Nikki Sahagin Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I've been ill lately; had a lot of time to think....and feel. I feel like I desperately want to get over my ex, well I don't 'want' to, but I have to. I don't want to be stuck wanting and loving him for the rest of my life, if we cant be together so basically I feel 'forced' to have to get over somebody that I don't truly WANT to. Why should I HAVE to put myself off of the smile I loved? The body I loved? etc. It all feels so fake. The necessity is that you have to 'put yourself' off of that person to move on but I just feel that my heart is hardwired to love him and find him attractive and its so hard to undo what feels natural to me, just so that I can be happy, just because HE made the decision to break up. Also I feel stuck because I don't want him to get over me. Maybe this is a temporary selfish feeling, but I don't want him to be attracted to anyone else, fall in love again, I want him to be screwed over or not given as much by a girl so that he will see I was perfect for him. I was looking through my pc pictures and I came across some I wish I hadn't seen; we used to make each other pictures on paint and he made a couple saying things like 'when i'm lost in the dark you are the star that lights the way and finds me' and 'some things last forever' and a picture of us together, and the pain hit me immediately. It just hurt so much that one day he loved me so madly and wanted me forever and a combination of my insecurities and issues with men, and issues of his own, brought about our downfall. I just feel angry, angry at myself, angry at him, angry at fate, circumstance whatever, that I had to fall in love with him when I was so f-ed up. That I helped ruin something beautiful and pure. Why couldn't I have met him later when I wouldn't have spoiled everything? I'm scared i'll always hold onto us as special and he will move on and let us go. He says i'll always be special to him etc, but not special enough to come back to Maybe today is a bad day but it is really painful today. It doesn't seem fair. I'm scared i'll become even more bitter about love now, I can already feel it. He was all I wanted and now I can't have him at all.
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Nikki- I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have one question tho.... You cant go from Lovers to friends, but you can go from friends to lovers.... Reading your other posts a while back, he wanted to be 'friends' with you... If you want this guy back, then by all means be his 'friend'...go and do something together.....see what happens.... If you do just want to get over him, then cut all contact. Im scared to hold onto my ex and me as always special too..... Sorry if this doesnt help much. Its a tough card SoulBear
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Nikki- I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have one question tho.... You cant go from Lovers to friends, but you can go from friends to lovers.... Reading your other posts a while back, he wanted to be 'friends' with you... If you want this guy back, then by all means be his 'friend'...go and do something together.....see what happens.... If you do just want to get over him, then cut all contact. Im scared to hold onto my ex and me as always special too..... Sorry if this doesnt help much. Its a tough card SoulBear Thanks SoulBear. I don't want to get over him, but he hasn't said he wants me back, so if I tried to be his friend with the aim of getting back together in mind, i'd be setting myself up for a fall. I couldn't be his friend if I still had romantic feelings for him. It would be impossible. A few of my friends have done it straight away. A couple broke up after 3 years and he was at her birthday the next week. I had to uninvite my ex to my birthday because I couldn't have him there as 'my friend' when I wanted him there as 'my baby'. I want to be with him I think, but this is the second time he has broken up with me, even if he did want me back (which I don't think he will), my trust in him has gone, I would always be looking over my shoulder wondering when he will get rid of me again. The security has gone. Its just....the feelings I had/have for him, were just so strong and intense and beautiful, and I find it really hard to let that go. I honestly don't think I will feel something that compares to that again - I only wanted him forever...and just like that he's gone...and all the pain and all the memories and all the laughter, the tears, the stress, the emotion, the hugs, the affection, my first kiss, my first time - just like that it's all gone.
drummerprince81 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Nikki - I think I feel exactly like you. Sorry, I haven't replied to any of your posts before. The fact that there could never be a love as strong or precious just rips my/your heart out everyday. My dreams are getting worse and worse (we are back together each time, laughing, smiling, kissing). The memories - so many happy, so little bad. It just makes no sense how they can just walk away. But you are doing well I think. You are obviously aware that you need more signs from him but the fact you are talking is a good thing. Me and my ex are currently talking, but not as much as you and your ex seem to be. Just see how it goes this week. I do believe that me and you are going to be spending a long time getting over our exs unless, of course, the tables turn and they come back. Good luck.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Nikki - I think I feel exactly like you. Sorry, I haven't replied to any of your posts before. The fact that there could never be a love as strong or precious just rips my/your heart out everyday. My dreams are getting worse and worse (we are back together each time, laughing, smiling, kissing). The memories - so many happy, so little bad. It just makes no sense how they can just walk away. But you are doing well I think. You are obviously aware that you need more signs from him but the fact you are talking is a good thing. Me and my ex are currently talking, but not as much as you and your ex seem to be. Just see how it goes this week. I do believe that me and you are going to be spending a long time getting over our exs unless, of course, the tables turn and they come back. Good luck. Thanks drummerprince. The fact that we are talking is helpful in that it is helping me understand a lot more. But I don't think he wants to get back together, even if he did, i'm not sure that would be the best decision. Its just confusing, confusing, confusing. I was less confused being NC but I feel the contact is necessary so things can be said and sorted before we have time apart....and then maybe friendship in the future. Its just the agony of losing my first love. He has to go from my everything, to just being my friend. I don't know if it will be harder to lose him completely or keep him around as a future friend.....either way he is less than what I want.
drummerprince81 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Some of the things my ex said to me during our 2 years are things like she has never been more happy in all her life, that I was everything she ever wanted, that she couldn't live without me in her life. She often got upset (happy tears) whenever I did or said something amazing to her and she even cried along to a song once because the lyrics reminded her of me. Hmph - well 3 months have gone by and I haven't seen her once. So yeah, it is one of the worst feelings in the world losing your everything. But I think you are doing well. Were you his first love too? We were each others first love. There is something EXTRA EXTRA special about that. I just want to win her back but don't know. Sorry to hijack your thread. I don't know if it will be harder to lose him completely or keep him around as a future friend.....either way he is less than what I want. I think perhaps you should or could tell him exactly how you feel and go NC. That way he will come to realise what a mistake he is making. But you are doing well like I said, and know what you really want.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Some of the things my ex said to me during our 2 years are things like she has never been more happy in all her life, that I was everything she ever wanted, that she couldn't live without me in her life. She often got upset (happy tears) whenever I did or said something amazing to her and she even cried along to a song once because the lyrics reminded her of me. Hmph - well 3 months have gone by and I haven't seen her once. So yeah, it is one of the worst feelings in the world losing your everything. But I think you are doing well. Were you his first love too? We were each others first love. There is something EXTRA EXTRA special about that. I just want to win her back but don't know. Sorry to hijack your thread. I don't know if it will be harder to lose him completely or keep him around as a future friend.....either way he is less than what I want. I think perhaps you should or could tell him exactly how you feel and go NC. That way he will come to realise what a mistake he is making. But you are doing well like I said, and know what you really want. Don't be silly, you aren't highjacking at all I think one of the most helpful things is relating to people who share your experiences. He was my first love, first kiss, first everything, so that makes him extra special. I feel like even if I fall in love again, they won't be that first kiss, that first time....we were each others only sexual partner and there was something really special about that to us, and I feel anyone else I be with....well we won't share that with each other. God maybe my expectations are just too high but it really, really hurts. Like I said I would be back with him if I could (for my heart) but my heart tells me the damage is done. I don't know if its possible to have a friendship.
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I know what you mean about the birthdays...... If you remember when I first came on here, and I told my story, I pretty much gave her the worst birthday ever.....her 25th and what did I do? I spent my day in the garage with my head under the landrover Its my birthday in a month and a half. Know what Im going to do? Im going to do to myself exactly what I did to her. Im going to take a tent and go and spend the 24 hours at a loch, all on my own. Im not going to accept any calls, im not going to take anyone with me. I will be alone. Im so ashamed of myself. I will experience the pain of what I must have put her through that day. As she said in her last email ''it was a simple as open the cage door, and out I fly'' That birthday, that was cage door opening. Its just a shame that she felt like she was trapped, I didnt think our relationship was a cage...Wish she had communicated with me... Either way, Im selfish. I have lessons to learn. Sorry, I hijacked.... Nikki, I feel for you so much. I can see what pain you are going through. I know that pain.... Trust can come back....but not before a long while.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Whats hard as well is in July, its all our friends birthdays, well quite a few...and I think back over the last couple of years when we went to all their birthdays as a couple and there would be a whole summer of birthdays for us to go to together. And now - if I go, i'll be there on my own. So I either miss everyones birthdays because he will be there or I go and take the risk to see how I feel....god this is so hard.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Also bearpower, I don't know what you did to 'ruin' your exes birthday, but don't take it out on yourself by ruining your own. This time has to be about acceptance of the self, forgivness of the self and love of the self, and if you punish yourself you will hinder your recovery. We will always be stuck with ourselves no matter what friendships or relationships may end, so we have to learn to forgive ourselves for our flaws and mistakes.
Woggle Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I hate to be harsh but he probably will get over you and if you want a happy life you have to get over him. Relationships end all the time and hopefully you can use this as a learning experience. Life goes on without him.
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I can honestly relate to all you and SoulBear are saying. Which leaves me with pretty much nothing to say. So excuse my 'lack of text' And the good dreams (that in a way are bad), yeah... those SUCK. I'm pretty strong when it comes to NC and that's the only thing that has f*cked me up. You know what I noticed, though? At least we're not in the agonizing, suicidal stage anymore. We have learned by now that this recovery/healing sh*t is an emotional rollercoaster. And that even though we might feel like crap right now, tomorrow might be different. And that's the only thing that really keeps us going. Until hopefully someday we're completely healed and moved on and happy with everything that has happened and excited for what's to come (though this seems literally impossible to us right now). Put aside all the pain we're going through, and this is actually a very interesting process...
hopefulInFuture Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Nikki, you should let go if you want to heal. I once read somewhere that if somebody leaves a relationship, it's them who are not happy and it's none of your fault. Now, I am not talking about the relationships full of abuse, cheating, lying, egoism. I am talking about the normal, loving relationships like the one you had. I am sure he left because he was unhappy. But it was not because of you. People are unhappy because of themselves and when somebody is unhappy, they can't make anyone else happy. I am sure that he's doing rather badly especially after reading most of your posts. This guy is struggling. He needs to find himself in his life. Yes, you would have given a lot to make him happier, but the thing is that he's so lost, he does not even know what he wants in order to be happy. This is the worst place to be in. You, at least, know who you are and what you want. So, instead of dwelling over him, move on. Work on your happiness. If your relationship was so good as you described in your previous posts, he knows that it was good but he just simply could not make it. This has nothing to do with you. It's all his "fault". He's the one who's unhappy. I can relate to him because I've been through situations in my life when I was so unhappy that having people around me, even the ones who just wanted to help me, made me feel worse. I just wanted to be alone and figure out alone what I needed to feel less bad. On my side it took a lot of thinking and working on myself before I reached my serenity. He's probably trying to find his road right now. Well, you can't wait around for him to understand what he wants and needs. Life is too short and guess what, he might never get there. Do you want to be with a person who's unstable for the whole life or do you want to be with a strong, independent and caring person? I would go with the latter. So, darling, stop thinking about him. Wish him all the best in his search for the happiness and concentrate on yourself.
monkeys Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I feel exactly the same as you, Nikki. My bf broke up with me over the weekend and I really feel like such an emotional wreck at the moment I can't see straight. We both cried, we are both still in love, he thinks it is for 'the best'...I don't see how being without the person you love can be 'the best'. You never know how the other person is coping but I don't think we should ever make assumptions about that. We never know what the future will bring either so I don't think it's a good idea to make any definitive statements about that. But I wish you love and light, and I think HopefulInFuture wrote an excellent post. Time is the greatest healer. I have been through one horrendous breakup before, and this is one thing that I have learnt. Other things? Friends, family, talking, DVDs, going out, doing new things.... Hang in there. Things WILL get better. x
Recommended Posts