Lonely Boy Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I am sure this is a worn out topic, but I need some advise. I've been married for almsot 6 years to a very intelligent woman who I love very dear. Together we have a wonderful 3yr old son who has made me a very happy man. Our marriage is fine and I would not even think of any other woman to call as my wife, however we lack intimacy. I love kissing, hugging and telling her i love her. I do not doubt that her love for me is equally as strong. But once again I feel we lack intimacy. I always believed that we would have a healthy sex life, but we also feel that sex would not define our marriage. I still feel that way, but as of late I feel rejected. We don't discuss it much because I feel like I will come out as a demanding man and I am far from that. What bothers me is that when we do have sex ... I feel that she wants to get it done and over with. She doesn't push me away, but I just feel like there is no passion there. I blame myself for alot of it as I have not been the husband she probably expected. On several occassions she has commented how it would be nice if I helped with our son more. Don't get me wrong I am not an absent father.. but I can do better. When it comes to sex she is always tired and I don't blame her.... but sometimes I think it is more than that. Before we were married.. we were very intimate short of having sex , but now it is just different. We love each other, but I think it has reached the point that we will not have much of a physical relationship. Even I have seemed to lose interest as I just don't want to be disappointed. There are times when I make subtle hints about having sex and she says.. ok... then i just go to bed frustrated as she fell asleep. I think i just need to be a better husband and take more responsibility in raising our son. Funny thing is that lack of sex should not bother me as I remained a virgin until marriage and I am now 44 married for 6 yrs. Does any one have any advise to bring intimacy back to our lives.
Thornton Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Tell me if I've got this right: she didn't even want sex with you before marriage, in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, and now you're questioning why she still doesn't want it six years down the road? Has she ever wanted to have sex with you? Did she want it when you first got married? Or are you trying to recapture something that you never had in the first place? The worrying thing is that when women don't want sex it usually doesn't mean they don't want it at all, just that they don't want it with YOU... and if you don't fix that she'll eventually tire of celibacy and start getting it somewhere else. One thing I can tell you for sure is that being a "better husband" and looking after your son more is unlikely to make your wife more sexually attracted to you. Since you only ever had one sexual partner, could the problem be your inexperience? Perhaps your wife just doesn't enjoy sex with you? Being more attentive to her needs and spicing up your sex life might make her more keen to engage with you, and working out at the gym and sprucing up your looks might help too.
MarkTwain Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Our marriage is fine and I would not even think of any other woman to call as my wife, however we lack intimacy. I love kissing, hugging and telling her i love her. I do not doubt that her love for me is equally as strong. But once again I feel we lack intimacy. Hi Lonely - A lot of thread on a lot of boards start with the line: "Out marriage is perfect in every way except for the sex". I think that perception, is part of your problem. If you want to fix the sex, it has to become a burning issue in your mind. When you can say "Our marriage is ruined by lack of sex", you will be closer to the solution. Anyway, semantics aside, I have done a lot of research into why women go off sex with their husband, and as Thornton says: The worrying thing is that when women don't want sex it usually doesn't mean they don't want it at all, just that they don't want it with YOU... and if you don't fix that she'll eventually tire of celibacy and start getting it somewhere else. If your wife was never much into sex from the start, your case may be a bit more unusual, but in at least 90% of marriages, this problem usually boils down to a build up of resentment. I published my findings here.
LoveNeverFails Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I am sure this is a worn out topic, but I need some advise. I've been married for almsot 6 years to a very intelligent woman who I love very dear. Together we have a wonderful 3yr old son who has made me a very happy man. Our marriage is fine and I would not even think of any other woman to call as my wife, however we lack intimacy. I love kissing, hugging and telling her i love her. I do not doubt that her love for me is equally as strong. But once again I feel we lack intimacy. I always believed that we would have a healthy sex life, but we also feel that sex would not define our marriage. I still feel that way, but as of late I feel rejected. We don't discuss it much because I feel like I will come out as a demanding man and I am far from that. What bothers me is that when we do have sex ... I feel that she wants to get it done and over with. She doesn't push me away, but I just feel like there is no passion there. I blame myself for alot of it as I have not been the husband she probably expected. On several occassions she has commented how it would be nice if I helped with our son more. Don't get me wrong I am not an absent father.. but I can do better. When it comes to sex she is always tired and I don't blame her.... but sometimes I think it is more than that. Before we were married.. we were very intimate short of having sex , but now it is just different. We love each other, but I think it has reached the point that we will not have much of a physical relationship. Even I have seemed to lose interest as I just don't want to be disappointed. There are times when I make subtle hints about having sex and she says.. ok... then i just go to bed frustrated as she fell asleep. I think i just need to be a better husband and take more responsibility in raising our son. Funny thing is that lack of sex should not bother me as I remained a virgin until marriage and I am now 44 married for 6 yrs. Does any one have any advise to bring intimacy back to our lives. I am getting married in a 6 weeks but I am preparing for marriage and the sexual aspect of it and a book that has done wonders for me is Fear of Intimacy by Robert Firestone. In it, he discusses sexuality and withholding techniques that many women do when they fear intimacy or when they do not feel comfortable with it. Very insightful and it has made me aware of how complex our unconscious can be with sexuality. Here is a recommended book to check out: http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245024842&sr=8-1
justxme Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I am sure this is a worn out topic, but I need some advise. I've been married for almsot 6 years to a very intelligent woman who I love very dear. Together we have a wonderful 3yr old son who has made me a very happy man. Our marriage is fine and I would not even think of any other woman to call as my wife, however we lack intimacy. I love kissing, hugging and telling her i love her. I do not doubt that her love for me is equally as strong. But once again I feel we lack intimacy. I always believed that we would have a healthy sex life, but we also feel that sex would not define our marriage. I still feel that way, but as of late I feel rejected. We don't discuss it much because I feel like I will come out as a demanding man and I am far from that. What bothers me is that when we do have sex ... I feel that she wants to get it done and over with. She doesn't push me away, but I just feel like there is no passion there. I blame myself for alot of it as I have not been the husband she probably expected. On several occassions she has commented how it would be nice if I helped with our son more. Don't get me wrong I am not an absent father.. but I can do better. When it comes to sex she is always tired and I don't blame her.... but sometimes I think it is more than that. Before we were married.. we were very intimate short of having sex , but now it is just different. We love each other, but I think it has reached the point that we will not have much of a physical relationship. Even I have seemed to lose interest as I just don't want to be disappointed. There are times when I make subtle hints about having sex and she says.. ok... then i just go to bed frustrated as she fell asleep. I think i just need to be a better husband and take more responsibility in raising our son. Funny thing is that lack of sex should not bother me as I remained a virgin until marriage and I am now 44 married for 6 yrs. Does any one have any advise to bring intimacy back to our lives. Sorry to hear about what you are going through, I only can tell you what turns me off, maybe it would help. 1. hubby showing no enthusiastic support in what I am interested in or what I do. (maybe raising of your son? and it could be more than that) 2. hubby refusing to talk plan etc for our future. 4. always talking about sex and nothing else. 5 pouting and anger and stress when I'm trying to be positive about each new day 6. refusing to talk (not yell and fight) about unresolved issues 7. not last, and very important, hubby taking for granite what God created me to be, and him keeping me down instead of supporting that. 8. not being by my side when I do projects and helping me but expects me to be by his side during all projects and helping him... which I do the best I can. huge turn off. that's just me, I especially get bored with constant sexual advances or constant talk about sex, I'm intelligent and enjoy stimulating (no pun intended) conversations that make me feel like we are on the same page, if my mind isn't fed and my heart not fulfilled then the rest of me just doesn't work well or more like I find his advances boring, undesirable, that doesn't mean that I desire someone else or don't love him, it just means that I don't think he respects me and that's a big turn off. hope I was clear in describing those things and something in my list is helpful. I wish you good luck ooh and another thing if you start doing those things just for sex, a woman can smell that a mile away, it really has to be something that comes from your heart, you help, because it is right and you respect her, you support her, for the same reasons etc etc.
OpenBook Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 We don't discuss it much because I feel like I will come out as a demanding man and I am far from that. Um, you need to "get over" that and talk to your W!! She knows you better than anyone else. And she's the one who needs to hear how you feel. Tell her exactly what you've posted here: What bothers me is that when we do have sex ... I feel that she wants to get it done and over with. She doesn't push me away, but I just feel like there is no passion there. And definitely emphasize how much you love her, like you did here: I've been married for almsot 6 years to a very intelligent woman who I love very dear. Together we have a wonderful 3yr old son who has made me a very happy man. Our marriage is fine and I would not even think of any other woman to call as my wife, however we lack intimacy. I love kissing, hugging and telling her i love her. I do not doubt that her love for me is equally as strong. But once again I feel we lack intimacy. Tell her you miss her. Tell her that being physically intimate and close to her is extremely important to you, it's one of the primary reasons why you married her, and you are worried that it will start to poison your marriage if it continues for much longer. Let her know you will do whatever it takes to work on the problem together with her. Suggest marriage counseling to her. She needs to understand that this is a serious problem that needs to be resolved, if she wants to have a happy and healthy marriage.
luvstarved Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 It sounds like she answered your question at least partially in saying that she wanted more help. You seem to agree with this. It is a real turnoff for most women when men seem to focus on what they are not getting, while casually dismissing what the women says she is not getting. It makes women feel devalued and disrespected...and gives an unflattering impression of selfishness on the part of the man. Try helping her more first for a while, if that does not change, then try talking about it...
Author Lonely Boy Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Thanks for all the advise everyone. Justxme... thank you especially for your input as it comes from a womans perspective. After ready all the responses It is humbling to see my short comings as a husband. I see that at times I am just thinking about what I want etc... Whether or not we can recapture what may be lost... is dependant on how much we want it.. all not just physical. It may be time for me to truly listen make our marriage as fullfilling as we want it to be.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Yes it is about sharing and pulling your own weight, but it is also about communication. What started as typical, often rehashed thread, took a turn when you said you were a 38 yo virgin when you married. How long did you date before marriage? I find it fascinating that you were a virgin, met a woman I imagine close to you in age and remained a virgin during your courtship. Have you talked about her needs and wants? We have read the bad job you have done in supporting/helping your wife and assisting in child rearing. But there is a lot to be learned in the bedroom (and trust me I am no expert). Do you know what she wants in bed? Do you know what you are doing? Does she? Marrying a 40 yo virgin (pardon the pun) probably brings it's own challenges. Just searching for more details as I always want to do.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Sorry to hear about what you are going through, I only can tell you what turns me off, maybe it would help. 1. hubby showing no enthusiastic support in what I am interested in or what I do. (maybe raising of your son? and it could be more than that) 2. hubby refusing to talk plan etc for our future. 4. always talking about sex and nothing else. 5 pouting and anger and stress when I'm trying to be positive about each new day 6. refusing to talk (not yell and fight) about unresolved issues 7. not last, and very important, hubby taking for granite what God created me to be, and him keeping me down instead of supporting that. 8. not being by my side when I do projects and helping me but expects me to be by his side during all projects and helping him... which I do the best I can. huge turn off. that's just me, I especially get bored with constant sexual advances or constant talk about sex, I'm intelligent and enjoy stimulating (no pun intended) conversations that make me feel like we are on the same page, if my mind isn't fed and my heart not fulfilled then the rest of me just doesn't work well or more like I find his advances boring, undesirable, that doesn't mean that I desire someone else or don't love him, it just means that I don't think he respects me and that's a big turn off. hope I was clear in describing those things and something in my list is helpful. I wish you good luck ooh and another thing if you start doing those things just for sex, a woman can smell that a mile away, it really has to be something that comes from your heart, you help, because it is right and you respect her, you support her, for the same reasons etc etc. How tired and old. Yes we know what turns women off and are told this over and over. Maybe the OP is displaying all those signs, seeing he was single and probably had very little female contact for 38 years. What you have or have listed is the signs of a bad/uncommunicative marriage/relationship. But this is a 2-way street, as you need to communicate the issues and do something about it. May be employ the carrot and stick approach to improve the situation. And if you withhold sex or don't discuss it, your issues or list will only grow. I'll let you in on a secret, have sex and see how many of the points on the list improve or can be crossed off... Your list sounds like the classic example of a power struggle.
HsMomma Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Yes it is about sharing and pulling your own weight, but it is also about communication. What started as typical, often rehashed thread, took a turn when you said you were a 38 yo virgin when you married. How long did you date before marriage? I find it fascinating that you were a virgin, met a woman I imagine close to you in age and remained a virgin during your courtship. Have you talked about her needs and wants? We have read the bad job you have done in supporting/helping your wife and assisting in child rearing. But there is a lot to be learned in the bedroom (and trust me I am no expert). Do you know what she wants in bed? Do you know what you are doing? Does she? Marrying a 40 yo virgin (pardon the pun) probably brings it's own challenges. Just searching for more details as I always want to do. From a wife's/mother's perspective...here we go. I don't think that "bad job" is necessarily accurate, OP. I think we all (men and women) want more help in our lives - it's just a fact of life that we're all busy, stressed, etc., and could use a few more hours in each day. I agree with TDP in that there is a lot to be learned in the bedroom if you were a virgin for so much of your life. Very intimate question here (so if you don't want to answer it on a board, that's ok) - was your wife also a virgin when you married? If so, or maybe even if not, communication here is the key. Has she given you any indication of what she likes/doesn't like? I know it can be uncomfortable for many people to discuss sex frankly with another, but I think it's imperative that you two do so. There are many ways to go about this - everything from buying a set of cards with different (some funny, to help relax everyone) sexual things to try - sort of a grown-up version of truth or dare, to talking with a therapist. There are a lot of in-betweens too. Maybe the way to start this would be something along the lines of "Honey, if there was one thing I could do to make you feel really good physically, what would it be?" And then do it. Once you begin this type of conversational intro, things should get easier to discuss. AND, I'm not putting this all on you - you'll need to be able to express what YOU'D like her to do as well (and you may want to start with something as small as a 30-second, non-sexual full body hug so she doesn't feel pressured to end it with sex). Just some ideas to hopefully get you started on the road to the intimacy you so obviously want/need. Hope this helps!
carhill Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I love kissing, hugging and telling her i love her. I do not doubt that her love for me is equally as strong. But once again I feel we lack intimacy.One old virgin to another, how often does non-sexual intimacy occur for you? Can she expect you to hug her and kiss her passionately and not have it lead to sex? Or is there an expectation that any response from her will lead to sex? To me, this is very important. There's a psychology to it. As someone who waited a long time for intercourse, I developed this aspect of affection to a greater degree and I've found my biggest obstacle has been that women are not used to it and replay the affection=sex tape in their mind and proceed or withdraw depending on whether they feel sexual or not. My wife often expressed disappointment when 'that was all' because I was feeling affectionate but not sexual. In her mind, and rightfully for her, there was no difference. Sure, help out more and and listen more, but pay careful attention to this aspect. If my experience is any guide, it's an area where any incompatibility will need work, and substantial work, to find a healthy balance. This is assuming you both have attraction and a relatively normal libido. Do you mutually masturbate? Solo? IOW, have healthy libidos but just need to get on the same page? This was an issue for my wife and I. Hope it works out!
manugeorge Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Another thing that people also discount when it comes to the lack of sex issue is that maybe she just doesn't want sex as much as you do. Many many women can take or leave sex, it doesn't matter if you are equal parts George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Ghandi, Superman, Obama and what have you. You could be God himself in human flesh and she will still not have that burning passion you are looking for. Familiarity breeds....well familiarity. Passion wanes for many of us after you've been with the same person for years. It's just an unfortunate fact of our biological make-up. Perhaps, the burning desire you still have for her after 6 years is driven more by testosterone than anything else. I bet you if men have the same amount of Estrogen and testosterone that women have, this lack of sex topic will not be an issue in marriages and relationships. Very very few couples retain that passion over time and disillusion sets in at various stages of the coupledom, and at different paces too. You said the love is there, and she still puts out, just not as intensely as you want her to. Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you find a way to make lemonade.
manugeorge Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Wait, I do have an advice I can share from my own experiences and that is you have to make yourself attractive to your SO and this goes for both men and women. When you were dating, you went the extra step to put on make up, cologne, wear nice clothes, and properly groom all so you can get laid. Please remember that all of that doesn't stop just because you are now married. Especially keeping yourself in good shape. A big part of attraction is visual and yes, women are visual creatures too, contrary to popular belief. Smell, for example, does something to a woman's senses. I love me the smell of a man and a dab of cologne for me is like hypnosis. I have an issue with my SO's breath, I am VERY sensitive to people's breath and it is a huge turnoff for me when someone has bad oral hygiene. I lovingly let him know that when he comes to come with minty fresh breath, he is guaranteed to go a long way than after eating onions or doritos, a bad habit that he cultivated for some time. And he's noticed that too, and has paid heed. No one is saying you should always be dolled up, you can be comfortable just don't get too comfortable.
Author Lonely Boy Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Yes.... I was a virgin til I was 38, but don't get me wrong I was no bumbling idiot with the women. I've had my fair of women who have shown alot of interest in me and desires to get physical, but I always wanted to wait until i got married.. old fashion but that was my choice. My wife like me was a virgin. We married late in life... me 38 and her 34. In honesty we have great relationship. We talk alot about everything else and our son (3yrs old) is our life. You have to know that prior to me my wife has not really had a boyfriend or any type of sexual relationship. We were each other "first". Early in our marriage sex was very good and she seemed to enjoy it very much. When we had our son 3yrs ago her sex drive slowed down alot and I can understand that. It is not easy work basically raising 2 kids... i put myself in that category. I think in our son's first year we had sex maybe 3x. It did not bother me as I had alot of stress to deal with leaving my work of 10yrs to try a new career. Bottom line is that in the last 2yrs.. she has shown no desire at all. I hate to say it, but Its become a wham bam thank you mam situation. What was once a long love making session has now been reduced to few hurried minutes leaving me with a feeling of selfishness(on my part), lonliness and confusion. I love my wife, but sometimes i feel like ... i just have a roomate who I can talk to. I may sound selfish for being bent out of shape for a lack of sex... but I always thought that sex was something that we can share that made it different from just being friends. At this point I do not know what comes next. I am feeling confused. My marriage is worth saving, but I really do not know if i can accept a marriage where we are not physical... selfish yes.. but to me it is important. I did some research about womens lack of libido and wanted to ask... can menopause come this early in age.. she just turned 40yrs old ?? Let's face it men have complained about lack of sex after marriage for ever and a day. Right now i feeling like Al Bundy and just hanging out at the nudi bar. If push comes to shove.. I'll just renew my magazine subscription to playboy and jerk off again like when i was 16.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Maybe it's a mental thing with her, but maybe she just used the ole bait and switch on you, where she knows your weakness and she has the power. You need to kindly tell her you wont have a loveless and sexless marriage, you want intimacy, closeness, you need love. Just tell her.
Author Lonely Boy Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Let's face it men have complained about lack of sex after marriage for ever and a day. Right now i feeling like Al Bundy and just hanging out at the nudi bar. If push comes to shove.. I'll just renew my magazine subscription to playboy and jerk off again like when i was 16. It is hard because I find my wife very desireable... looking at porn on the computer then choking the chicken just doesn't cut it anymore. I feel sad in some ways as I wish it was like it was before when we could just loved each other's touch. Now I feel at times she pulls away when I try to touch her.. but it may just be my imagination during my confused state. The most important thing came out of our physical closeness and that was our son. So for now I will try to adjust to a life without sex .. hell I held out for 38yrs.. I am sure I can manage. Sometimes I'd feel better if she told me she was no longer attracted to me.. at least i can accept that reason.
carhill Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Interesting that, as the only male here who has had your experience (lost virginity at 35 and married at 41), you didn't answer any of my questions. I've been through MC and there's a reason I asked them. Do you want help or not?
mymelody Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I've been lurking around loveshack for a while, but this is the first time I've ever registered and posted. I don't know if you and your wife have a church wedding or just a civil one, but I'm coming from a Christian marriage counseling point of view, so my response to your thread will have some Christian concepts in it. Please bear with me. You see, the difference between getting married in church versus civil marriage is that civil marriage is a contract between two people. If it's just a contract, then two people get into the marriage thinking "how would being with this person benefit me". Tax benefits, being taken care of, sex, etc. Once you don't get any of the things important to you, then you break the contract. Now, getting married in church, that's a different thing. It's not just a contract between two people, but a covenant that not only involves man and woman, but also God. In a Christian marriage, husband and wife do not legally stay together just for the benefits that they get from their significant others. Husband and wife stay together to take care of each other, to help each other grow emotionally and spiritually. Christian love demands a good deal more, at least if it is patterned on the love of Jesus, than just to be sexually faithful to each other. It demands the gift of the self. Commitment has to be more than a promise not to go away. It has to be a commitment to growth. Commitment to growth is a central Christian concern because the purpose of our lives as Christians is to learn how to love. Life is a project, a project of developing oneself into the fullness of one's personhood. Love for another is concern for that person's project of self-development and happiness. So commitment to growth in marital terms comes down to something like this: "In this marriage I want to grow as a person, I want to help you grow as a person, and I want to see our relationship of love companionship, and support grow deeper, larger and stronger." That is what Christian spirituality is in marriage. A marriage does not grow without a commitment to invest time, emotional energy and practical expression of love into its daily existence. Now, going back to your situation. Your biggest problem right now is lack of sex. And even if you have sex, it's the lack of fire in the sex. You said that you don't know if you can stay in a passionless marriage. (I'm not going to use the term "sexless" because you do have that. Your sex life just lacks the fire you once had.) That being the case, I'm thinking that you are contemplating on divorce. Here's the deal. In times of conflict in marriage (your marriage has a conflict, even if you don't discuss it with your wife), one spouse tends to see only his side of the story. At this point, you see the situation as how your wife has not done her side of the bargain of fulfilling your sexual needs, hence you are so concerned about how to make your wife get the steam back into your lovemaking. You yourself said that your marriage is good, except for the sex part, and because the sex part is not good, you are contemplating about divorcing your wife. So in your mind what makes or breaks a marriage is sex. That's your side of the story. My question is this. What's her side? You've painted a picture of your marriage and your wife from your point of view at this point in your life when you are feeling disappointed and rejected. Ask yourself the question, "How have I painted my marriage? How have I painted my wife? When couples are angry, people become too focused on the SELF. You said that you feel like you're just living with a roommate. Ask yourself the question, "How does my wife feel about me? About our marriage? About herself?" I've read posts in this thread, and other threads, from women, and many of them said that they sometimes feel like their husband treats them like prostitutes. Has your wife ever told you that she feels like you married her just for the sex? When you show affection towards your wife, does it involve words and gestures that imply you want sex? Ask yourself another question, how much do you care for your wife? Outside of sexual innuendos, how much do you hug her just because you love her, or because you think she is doing a good job in taking care of you and your children (son, in your case)? Are you able to provide emotional support for her and lift her spirits up when she's down? Do you complement her on other aspects of her personality (not just the fact that she's attractive, and you want to have sex with her)? Ask yourself the biggest question, "Does your wife mean anything more to you than just sex, or is that what your wife means to you?"
mymelody Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Sex IS an integral part of a marriage, but remember that it should be done as an act of love. You yourself said that you miss your lovemaking with your wife. Does your wife feel loved for her to engage in lovemaking with you? Sex in marriage is tied in to other aspects of loving the spouse. If the spouse doesn't feel loved in the other aspects, how can the spouse make love? Now, if you really love your wife, in the Christian sense of the word, then make her feel loved. Make her feel that you married her not just for the sex part, that you appreciate her and respect her as an individual, as the person whom God chose you to be with, and as the person whom God has chosen to be the mother of your child (children, if you will have more). I'm not going to tell you how you can show this. Start from what's inside you. Let your feelings of love lead you to how you will show your wife you love her. And believe me, the lovemaking will follow. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But in God's time, when you have both learned how to truly love, then the lovemaking will come. Just be patient. "Love is patient, love is kind" the bible says (1 Corinthians 4). If you love, you must be patient. Who knows, maybe your wife is waiting for you to show her that you really love and respect her. Maybe, like you, she's just afraid to say it because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
mymelody Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You feel lost right now because you feel that your marriage is falling apart. Perhaps, this is the first major conflict that you and your wife are having. Perhaps you find yourselves in a situation where the first luster of love has worn off, problems have arisen and you are wondering if the whole thig was a big mistake. Perhaps your marriage is going well in many respects, but less well in a few others. The first years of marriage are a crucial period (yes, 6 years of marriage is still early stages). They are foundational. It is usually difficult. Living closely with someone, even someone you love very much, is a great challenge and involves not a few surprises. Don't worry. Trust in the Lord. God will not give you this conflict if He feels that your marriage cannot survive this. God gives us conflict for us to be better people. The occurrence of conflict in marriage is a positive opportunity for the Christian. It is a call to generosity, to self-sacrifice for the other. When they heed it, a cycle of good will is created, each person's generous giving inviting reciprocation by the other. When they do not, a cycle of bad will is created, each person's selfishness and stubborness inviting reciprocation by the other. Now remember, you cannot get the other person to give. But the best chance you have of getting him/her to give is to be generous yourself. When a conflict arises, it is very helpful not to view it as a pwer struggle or as a question of who is right and who is wrong. It is rather a question of what I want versus what you want, the way I would do it, my convenience versus yours. It is helpful to talk about feelings rather than try to prove oneself right in principle, especially to talk about the feelings that underlie a particular difficulty either of you might experience about giving in. In a Christian marriage, love and conflict are inseparable. Conflict is a sign that a marriage is alive. Conflict is the arena where growth in a relationship takes place. If you are a Christian, PRAY. God wants your marriage to succeed. God wants both you and your wife to love and to be loved deeply. Ask God to make you understand why He gave your marriage that conflict. And when you pray, be humble. Don't force what you want to hear on God. Listen carefully and understand. Just remember, life will throw you more problems in the future. You are not just a husband but also a father, and nothing requires selfless love more than by being a father. Let me share with you a poem I just read. What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel thaty they are joined for life -- to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, and to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories... Hope I helped. God bless. +
mymelody Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Before I forget, you said Sometimes I'd feel better if she told me she was no longer attracted to me.. at least i can accept that reason. Why is it better for you to find out that your wife is not attracted to you? After you find that out, what next? Divorce? What then, you find another woman who will fulfill your sexual needs, and then the fire wanes again, and then you feel rejected again, and then you divorce, and then you remarry.... the cycle begins. (Makes me wonder why Mel Gibson divorced his wife) When you pray to God about your conflict, the most difficult thing to find out, and accept, is that what started out as a shortcoming against a spouse actually ends up being a discovery of self love. What do I want, what can I get, me, me, me, I, I, I. Forcing the issue that your wife is not attracted to you anymore removes the responsibility of looking at how God intends you to grow as a person in your relationship. Ok, she doesn't love me. Ok, goodbye then, divorce. The option of divorce in a society encourages the person to take the easy way out and not work hard to make the relationship work in the way God intended it to be. When you pray about your conflict, you must be prepared to find out many things about yourself, including the bad side. I'm not saying that your wife is not to blame. She needs to look into herself too. But you need to look into yourself and accept that there are some things that God wants you to improve on. And don't let your ego get in the way. As I have said earlier, the conflict you have with your wife right now should be taken as the best opportunity for your growth as a Christian. This is the best time for you to learn how to love in Christ and through Christ.
Stung Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It sounds like she answered your question at least partially in saying that she wanted more help. You seem to agree with this. It is a real turnoff for most women when men seem to focus on what they are not getting, while casually dismissing what the women says she is not getting. It makes women feel devalued and disrespected...and gives an unflattering impression of selfishness on the part of the man. Try helping her more first for a while, if that does not change, then try talking about it... OP, try reading the quoted post again, it's pretty good advice. Your wife used to be passionate with you. You have asked her what's the matter, and she has told you that she needs more help with your 3-year-old. Yet you don't say ANYTHING about actually doing anything to help her like she asks, instead you blithely admit you should help more, say you are like a second child to her, and then wonder why she doesn't f*ck you more and sulk about going back to porn. Reading all this, it looks to me like you've already answered your own question. 3-year-olds are highly physical and highly demanding, she might be exhausted, overdrawn physically and emotionally. If your wife is asking you for help, give it to her. You know what, help her more whether it gets you laid or not. He's your son too, he didn't appear from a vacuum. And give it some time, too...don't try to jump her bones just because you took over some of the kid stuff one day. If she resents you for making her be the sole responsible parent for a long time, it's going to take a while to start letting some of that go. Try being patient and working on your listening skills as well as your responsible parenting skills. As she becomes less tired and less resentful and starts to feel like her body is more her own again, she'll hopefully become more interested in sex again. If not, you can explore other avenues, maybe counseling, possibly look into a hormonal evaluation if it's purely a libido issue. In the meantime, you'll at least have started on the road to becoming a better dad.
MarkTwain Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 So for now I will try to adjust to a life without sex .. hell I held out for 38yrs.. I am sure I can manage. Sometimes I'd feel better if she told me she was no longer attracted to me.. at least i can accept that reason. Your willingness to roll over and just accept it is part of the reason you are not getting any - it's written all over you. Did you bother to read the link I put up in my last post? It was all explained in there. If you want to fix this (and you can), you have to get with the programme.
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