JanuaryNK Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 So, I just joined this foum, so forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong place. I know that this post is a bit long, but I truly feel like I'm falling apart inside, so, if you have the time, please do give me input, advice, words of encouragement, anything...I honestly don't have any kind of a support system, and I feel like my world is unraveling from beneath my feet. My husband and I got married on September 1, 2007, and had an amazing relationship from day 1. We have a wonderful little girl, Ella, who turned 1 in April, and she has been the light of our lives. However, for various reasons, things in our relationship had become a struggle, and my husband announced that he wanted to separate in mid-February. Even though we'd been struggling, I was still blown away by the news. However, it sounded as though it was going to be a temporary situation. He said that he just "needed some space for a few days", and I respected that, and said I'd give him the space he needed. However, this temporary situation quickly turned into something much less temporary, and he ended up moving into his own apartment. Because I loved him so much and still wanted to respect his wishes, I continued to give him all the space he asked for, but asked if he'd be willing to spend a couple hours per month with me, to sort of get together and spend some time with each other to go over where things were and see each other without Ella around. He said that he'd be more than willing to do that. However, weeks went by without any mention of the plans that we'd made to spend time together, so I asked him about it. I didn't want to nag, as wounds were still so fresh, and things were still pretty painful. I didn't want to push anything, I wanted it to be something that he actually wanted to do, not something that he was doing because I was requesting it. He said that he was just busy and didn't have time, so I just said that I understood and to please let me know when he had some free time. Weeks continued to go by, and still no word. Eventually, I started to think to myself, "Well, if this really was important to him, he'd make the time...This isn't just about him being busy anymore. Something else must be up that he isn't talking to me about". So, I gave him a call. He finally fessed up. He said, "I just don't have the desire to spend time with you anymore. I haven't been in love with you for a long time now. I wouldn't have been able to leave if I still had been". That really hit hard. I don't think I stopped crying for a good 24 hours after that. I've had a lot of ups and downs since then, but things have been getting a little better. I went to a wedding today. It was bittersweet. On one hand, it was the first thing I've really gotten out of the house to do since my husband and I separated. On the other, it was a wedding. Seeing the couple being so happy took me back to my own wedding day, and remembering how happy my husband and I were on that day. It was me think about what the heck had happened between then and now to make everything fall apart. There's a part of me that's disappointed in myself for the part of me that's at fault for this, the part of me that's disappointed in him for walking away from this, and the biggest part of me that's deeply saddened by how all of this has turned out. I feel so out of control in this situation, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling so lost and sad. I miss him so much.
Athena Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Hi JanNK, welcome, and yes, I am sure you are posting on the correct board. Sorry to hear you are dealing with such a big stressor in your life. I am surprised to hear that your marriage appears to be over so soon -- you'd only been married a year and a half and your H moved out? He wanted space? Hmmm... forgive me for asking, but because I have heard these phrases before, and it seems like the typical clichés of a man involved in an affair... have you considered this scenario as a possibility? In case you are thinking that his moving out is a natural conclusion to However, for various reasons, things in our relationship had become a struggle, his distaste for your M becoming a 'struggle', I can suggest that it might be the other way around... that the reason your marriage got to be a struggle, is that he got involved with someone else! When one spouse has an affair, they naturally put in emotional energy, love, time, attention and affection into their new partner and therefore the spouse at home gets denied the normal share... this leads to problems in the marriage... and the spouse being cheated on is usually completely unaware of what the REAL problems are being caused by... You might want to investigate this possibility, by checking cell phone records over the past year (go online and look, or request copies of old bills), check bank statements for withdrawals in odd places, or credit card bills for restaurants, hotels, gifts (Xmas, Valentines) etc... Ask friends and relatives if they can help with the marriage, and if they know of anything... All I can say from first-hand experience is that you have to find out what you are really dealing with, because it is so very highly unlikely that your H would have moved out of your home so early in the M when you had love, and a young child, and the move was so unexpected to you that you were "blown away by the news"... seems like a more usual & likely explanation is that he had someone in the wings... What do you think?
Gunny376 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 What one will abuse? Another can use! Forget the @zzhat! Lets get to working on you feeling good about yourself and your life without him! First off? You need him like a fish needs a freaking bicycle! Assignement No. #1 Get up early tommorw morning? And go for a good brisk morining walk! At least a mile! Listen to birds singing! Rub some sunshine on your face! Sweat a little! I want to see you sweat a little! While your doing so? I want you to think about all the 'good' you've got in your life, all the people that's in your life! All the 'good' you've brought to their lifes by you being a part of their lives? And all the good the've brought to your life! Think about all the good things you've done with and in your life! Think about how you've made a "Damn" in someone's life! A difference in someone's life! Live your life for yourself! Not someone else! Wheather he comes or goes? Makes not a difference! Your not living this life for him! Your living it for YOU! Live life to its top! Live life large! But damnit! Live your life for yourself! Not someone else! Get yourself busy living! Or get busy dying!
Author JanuaryNK Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 All I can say from first-hand experience is that you have to find out what you are really dealing with, because it is so very highly unlikely that your H would have moved out of your home so early in the M when you had love, and a young child, and the move was so unexpected to you that you were "blown away by the news"... seems like a more usual & likely explanation is that he had someone in the wings... What do you think? I definitely know that he wasn't cheating, though it surely wasn't a much better situation. I had a few things going on with me, medically. I've dealt with psychological disorders throughout my whole life, and I've had constant ups and downs. I let Lee, my husband, know about these from Day 1, and he said that he not only understood, but that we'd deal with these issues together. I was in the middle of a major relapse that was brought on by a recent cervical cancer diagnosis (at the time that Lee announced he wanted to separate, I was about 2 or 3 weeks away from my 9th surgery in a 5 month period of time). The relapse came on so quickly that I didn't realize I needed help until it was too late, and by that time, the help that I got was too little too late. I ended up doing things that were uncharacteristic of me, such as developing a shoplifting addiction that eventually landed me in a pair of handcuffs. Getting arrested was a HUGE wake-up call for me, and I immediately got myself the help that I needed, but, as I said, it was too little too late for Lee. I ended up depressed and alone. I still feel very much at fault for a lot of what's happened.
Author JanuaryNK Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Lets get to working on you feeling good about yourself and your life without him! Yeah, I've been working on trying to do that, though it's not easy to get myself into that mindset. I've found that it's been far easier to instead distract myself with things like caring for my children and forget about the "Me Time", but I know that it's not a healthy habit to get into. I'm working on it, though. Taking this little vacation to go to this wedding was a big first step, though it was sort of an off one...
Athena Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Okay, I see... you are dealing with a lot... a very young toddler, a husband who walked out on you, serious health issues, and a problem with the Law. Since you cannot make anyone else do what you want, you simply have to focus on yourself and your child, and do the best you can for the two of you. I like Gunny's post above, and I hope you follow his suggestions. You need to begin to build up a support network for yourself -- try to re-establish connections with family and friends... did you drift away from them because you got married? Make new friends by joining support groups. Begin a clean fresh life for yourself, one that you can be proud of... start building this new life step by step.
Author JanuaryNK Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 did you drift away from them because you got married? Yes and no. I had some close friends a while back, but they turned out not to be true friends after all for various reasons (one of them, a male friend that I'd be very, very close to for many years raped me and ended up in prison), and we parted ways. Lee ended up being my only support system (another unhealthy symptom in our marriage) eventually, and that put a lot of stress on him. Also, it made it so that I had no one to turn to once we parted ways. I'm working on trying to find a support group around here, but it's unfortunately a small enough area that it's tough to find such things. I've been in touch a therapist, however, and I'm hoping to start therapy soon. I'm hoping that, through therapy, he'll be able to help by also putting me in touch with some sort of therapy group.
Gunny376 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Keep posting! We're here for you! I may be a 'fool'? But I'm old fool! And the best advice you can get? Is from an old fool!
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