Lucky_One Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You saw him yesterday, and you slept with him again? After all of this time and no real efforts to get together with you, and after no efforts at all to treat you like a GF? Cora, WTF??
Author Cora Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I know....I messed up. He used me for sex and I was stupid. He basically lied to me and told me that he does not just hook up with girls. Well that is pretty much what he is doing with me it looks like. I fell for it. Silly, naive, me actually believed him when he told me he wanted to get to know me better and that he wasn't just about sex. I saw the way he was treating me and I stood by and allowed it. I pretty much deserve everything I got because I did nothing about it. I kept on talking to him and kept seeing him. I don't know....I wish I never would have met him now. If I hadn't then yes I may of been still in a state of depression over my stupid ex but at least I wouldn't feel so humiliated for doing the stupid things that I have done. It is now Tuesday and I haven't heard a word from him since I saw him on Sunday......he will not hear anything from me either. I plan on it staying that way. Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into these ridiculous situations!!
torranceshipman Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hey Cora, stop beating yourself up! It's very telling that this guy could know you were a virgin and thus that sex with him was a BIG deal, and that he'd still jerk you around after the fact. That takes a special type of lame ass, so rest assured, it isn't anything negative about you, or anything you did wrong - it's all about him and how he'd treat any girl the same and that just makes him a bit of a loser, really...just don't beat yourself up. Learn from it, and move on. In fact, why not just email or call him and tell him you're just not that into him, so you're ending it? Then walk away with head held high and find a man that really deserves you!
Lindarose84 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Cora remember that even if he contacts you, you need to NOT have sex with him. I was pretty surprised to read that you had sex with him on Sunday after he treated you like $hit on Saturday- you got dressed and made up and drove around for hours ultimately to go home alone, yet you "rewarded" him for that behavior the next day by sleeping with him?? You're basically telling him it's ok to treat you like dirt because he'll get sex without putting in much effort anyway. He is BOUND to contact you again (for sex) so it needs to not only be about not initiating contact with him, but it also needs to be you saying NO to him when he contacts you for a hookup. You like him- that much is clear. You need to let him know how you feel and how you need to know if this is more than a hookup to him. If it is, he should be willing to put time into contacting/seeing you- and when you guys do go out, take the sex out of the equation. If you can go on at least 3 dates without there being any form of sex at the end, then that should give you some sort of sign that MAYBE he sees you as more than a booty call.
dreamergrl Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I can speak from recent experience. If he wanted to see you, he would. He would not continue to bail on you. He would not make up lies (assuming he really was gone). This is not how a guy who is interested in you acts. Don't do what I did, and continue to excuse his behavior and actions, only to find out he's with someone else.
Mary3 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 This should shut him up : The next time he calls and asks if you want to hang out just say : "Are you asking me out on a date ?" If he says "Oh yea well I want to know if you want to come over" . Just say :" Listen the next time you want to take me out on a REAL date let me know , I've done some changing since our last get together and I deserve BETTER than you , okay "
DarkestDreams Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You need to let him know how you feel and how you need to know if this is more than a hookup to him. If it is, he should be willing to put time into contacting/seeing you- and when you guys do go out, take the sex out of the equation. I think that ship has sailed. He already knows she wanted to pursue something more meaninful, but he's obviously not stepping up. Talking about it again is just going to make her look pathetic. Hey Cora, stop beating yourself up! It's very telling that this guy could know you were a virgin and thus that sex with him was a BIG deal, and that he'd still jerk you around after the fact. That takes a special type of lame ass, so rest assured, it isn't anything negative about you, or anything you did wrong - it's all about him and how he'd treat any girl the same and that just makes him a bit of a loser, really...just don't beat yourself up. Learn from it, and move on. In fact, why not just email or call him and tell him you're just not that into him, so you're ending it? Then walk away with head held high and find a man that really deserves you! I agree 100%. Don't beat yourself up over this! He's the jerk here..he knew you were a virgin and fed you the "not looking for hookups" crap and had no problem jerking you around. He WILL contact you again, that's certain. But I think you need to have the last saying here, otherwise you're gonna regret it when you'll be looking back on this situation, years from now. Keep it light and don't pour your heart out to him. Since he was a bit insecure about his performance, might as well hurt him where it hurts. I'd go with "I've given it some thought after our last encounter and I don't think we're sexually compatible, so it's probably best if we don't see each other anymore. Anyway, it was fun while it lasted!". If you feel particularly b*tchy, you can say that you faked it because you felt bad for him and you don't think it's fair to start a relationship based on lies. Or even better "I might be inexperienced, but even I know a d*ck isn't supposed to be that small!"
Author Cora Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Well, I would love to have the talk with him again about how I want more than just a hook up with him.....this time in person. But what's the point when it's pretty obvious already that he doesn't want anymore? I mean you guys have said yourself that he has treated me pretty ****ty and I have simply just excused his behavior and allowed it to continue. I know what I need to do. I just need to give this one up. If he does contact me again I'm going to tell him that I'm sorry but I have been doing some thinking and I want more than just sex with you whenever you feel like it. I want a man who will take me out on actual dates and who will treat me with respect. I want someone who wont cancel on me at the last minute whenever something or someone better comes available. I want someone who wont oversleep on me. I want someone who is interested in me enough to actually want to go out with me and who will make plans and actually keep those plans. I want to be able to feel special and wanted instead of used and strung along. I want to know how it feels to be a priority to someone rather than just an option. I don't want to be called up whenever you are horny just for a quick fix and I am sorry if I gave you that impression. I thought I made it clear to you in the beginning that I wasn't that type of girl but I realize that I have probably given you a lot of mixed signals and for that I am sorry. I think I deserve to find that person someday who will want to date me and spend time with me. I am sorry if I have wasted your time but this kind of arrangement just isn't working for me and not what I'm looking for. So I'm just going to lay it all out for him when/if he contacts me again. If I don't then I know I'm only going to keep hurting myself. My standards ARE higher than this so I'm not sure why I'm allowing myself to be treated this way. Thank you all for your advice and DarkestDreams: I really like your comments but I just can't bring myself to say that to someone. I can't be that cruel whether he deserves it or not. Ughh.....guess I'm just too much of a softy lol. Anyway, time to pick myself up and move on.
stephy Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks for the responses. I'm a little more cooled down now....just disappointed is all. I am now wondering why he did not respond to my texts if he was really out or whatever? He has always responded quickly to my texts before wherever he was....even at work. Which makes me think....could he really have been sleeping and just woke up? That still doesn't explain the whereabouts of his car unless I overlooked it or someone borrowed it etc... No I'm not making excuses for him and am still quite mad. I'm not contacting him tomorrow at all and if he still wants to go out he can text me or whatever. Things were starting to get better so if he wasn't lying to me tonight I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt even though oversleeping is a pretty crappy thing to do and shows that he doesn't have much interest in me. Just doesn't make any sense why he was so excited talking about seeing me and all this week....but those are just words and I know it's the actions that count. Sigh....I'm trying so desperately hard to get to a point where I can just let him go....I really am. not to hurt your feelings but to me this sounds kind of stalkerish.driving by his house driving 30 minutes so uld be near him in case he contacted you and wanted to go.back off and if he wants to do something later make him come to you.
Author Cora Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 not to hurt your feelings but to me this sounds kind of stalkerish.driving by his house driving 30 minutes so uld be near him in case he contacted you and wanted to go.back off and if he wants to do something later make him come to you. No you are not hurting my feelings and I know how that must sound. First of all I was not in his area just for the sole purpose of being near him. I had some shopping to do and all the major malls just happen to be in the same area where he lives. Yes, I did however dress appropriately for the date since I was expecting him to contact me while I was out and it was convenient to be in his area so it wouldn't take forever for me to get to his place. I agree that it makes me sound like a stalker driving by his place to see if his car was really there but I had a gut feeling after I did not hear from him and then he did not answer me when I texted him. I have been lied to before and I do not want to be used like that again. The point is I'm through with this guy. I will say my piece to him when/if he contacts me again and then it will be over.
Mary3 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Well, I would love to have the talk with him again about how I want more than just a hook up with him.....this time in person. But what's the point when it's pretty obvious already that he doesn't want anymore? I mean you guys have said yourself that he has treated me pretty ****ty and I have simply just excused his behavior and allowed it to continue. I know what I need to do. I just need to give this one up. If he does contact me again I'm going to tell him that I'm sorry but I have been doing some thinking and I want more than just sex with you whenever you feel like it. I want a man who will take me out on actual dates and who will treat me with respect. I want someone who wont cancel on me at the last minute whenever something or someone better comes available. I want someone who wont oversleep on me. I want someone who is interested in me enough to actually want to go out with me and who will make plans and actually keep those plans. I want to be able to feel special and wanted instead of used and strung along. I want to know how it feels to be a priority to someone rather than just an option. I don't want to be called up whenever you are horny just for a quick fix and I am sorry if I gave you that impression. I thought I made it clear to you in the beginning that I wasn't that type of girl but I realize that I have probably given you a lot of mixed signals and for that I am sorry. I think I deserve to find that person someday who will want to date me and spend time with me. I am sorry if I have wasted your time but this kind of arrangement just isn't working for me and not what I'm looking for. So I'm just going to lay it all out for him when/if he contacts me again. If I don't then I know I'm only going to keep hurting myself. My standards ARE higher than this so I'm not sure why I'm allowing myself to be treated this way. Thank you all for your advice and DarkestDreams: I really like your comments but I just can't bring myself to say that to someone. I can't be that cruel whether he deserves it or not. Ughh.....guess I'm just too much of a softy lol. Anyway, time to pick myself up and move on. This is very well said... I used to have a similar problem about 4 years ago. The FIRST thing to recognize is the * difference * between a Hook Up and REAL DATE. Hook Up Clues : Late night calls where they want to come over. They always say they dont make plans. You don't hear from them everyday They come over and soon hands are on you . You NEVER have the long serious talks. You likely have not met his family He is very non commital to most things You are NOT his number one priority Real Date After talking for awhile on the phone he asks you fically like the day of the week and what you will be doing. Your date does not end up in bed . Unless he's your bf. You reall GO on a date with dinner , movie , bowling , ect.
DarkestDreams Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Lol. I didn't think you would. You are a very sweet girl. Me..I'm just bitter Like I said, don't beat yourself up over this. We all have our weak moments and do things that make us cringe afterwards. You live, you learn, you grow. I'm glad that you decided to stand up for yourself and explain your boundaries. Truth be told, all the forum advice is great, but you have to reach your boiling point on your own and make sure you don't get hurt too much in the process. Good luck!
Author Cora Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Mary: Thank you for that bit of advice....I'll remember that next time so I wont fall into the same trap of being just another hook up. DarkestDreams: Sometimes I think I need to be a little less sweet and a bit more bitter! Thank you though!
Mary3 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Just so you know : Please don't beat yourself up about this ! You were a virgin and you trusted this guy to handle you with care. Yes its normal to develop a * bond * . We women do that biologically. Yes it could happen to you again * but * be on the lookout for a guy who TALKS about sex while he is getting to know you. Or pressuring you once you are out on a date to get a little too chummy. he sends you naughty text ( thats reserved for a real bf ) , He wants naughty pictures of you ...anything * naughty * is reserved ONLY for a BF. No-one else gets that privilage. Your body is a sacred temple. Let all men know you love yourself and they wont be using YOU. \ And great chemistry and great sex do NOT equal a Relationship. That is something where you are so amazing a guy is crazy about you and he makes SURE you want to be exclusive. I worry about you. Did he use protection with you ?
Author Cora Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Thank you! I def wont fall for this again! I'm not beating myself up over it but damnit I knew better!! Yes, protection was used! Just so you know : Please don't beat yourself up about this ! You were a virgin and you trusted this guy to handle you with care. Yes its normal to develop a * bond * . We women do that biologically. Yes it could happen to you again * but * be on the lookout for a guy who TALKS about sex while he is getting to know you. Or pressuring you once you are out on a date to get a little too chummy. he sends you naughty text ( thats reserved for a real bf ) , He wants naughty pictures of you ...anything * naughty * is reserved ONLY for a BF. No-one else gets that privilage. Your body is a sacred temple. Let all men know you love yourself and they wont be using YOU. \ And great chemistry and great sex do NOT equal a Relationship. That is something where you are so amazing a guy is crazy about you and he makes SURE you want to be exclusive. I worry about you. Did he use protection with you ?
loveslife Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Thank you! I def wont fall for this again! I'm not beating myself up over it but damnit I knew better!! Yes, protection was used! Hi Cora, I really like you just the way you are. Don't become bitter. Just be discerning. You deserve it!
Author Cora Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Hi Cora, I really like you just the way you are. Don't become bitter. Just be discerning. You deserve it! Thank you! I have learned a lot from this experience and maybe I just should take a break from dating like I had originally planned to do. I don't think I can handle going through something like this again anytime soon. I am definitely going to be more guarded with my heart and way more careful next time. Mistakes were made and hopefully I have learned from them!
lizzylizliz Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Girl, that guy sounds like a DICK. i was seeing a guy last year and he wouldn't commit to me, but at the same time, he didn't want me seeing anyone else...he'd call me up at night wanting me to come over, we'd talk and have sex, but he'd refuse to go to restaurents with me, because he said it was too 'relationshippy'. All the time I thought, the longer I stick around, the mor elikely he will fall in love with me, and things will be fine. It never happened. He used me, and then it ended when he'd done shagging me. Don't let that be you!!!! Never hold on to the ifs, buts, and maybe's. Only now am I really thinkking that m o/h, who is actually my bf, says and does things I don't like, and will probably never change, or put me first. You're worth more than being treated like that! Better off single. It's not that bad!
Author Cora Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Girl, that guy sounds like a DICK. i was seeing a guy last year and he wouldn't commit to me, but at the same time, he didn't want me seeing anyone else...he'd call me up at night wanting me to come over, we'd talk and have sex, but he'd refuse to go to restaurents with me, because he said it was too 'relationshippy'. All the time I thought, the longer I stick around, the mor elikely he will fall in love with me, and things will be fine. It never happened. He used me, and then it ended when he'd done shagging me. Don't let that be you!!!! Never hold on to the ifs, buts, and maybe's. Only now am I really thinkking that m o/h, who is actually my bf, says and does things I don't like, and will probably never change, or put me first. You're worth more than being treated like that! Better off single. It's not that bad! Yeah, I'm done with being stupid and I'm done with guys who only want to f*** me!!
Lucky_One Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Cora - be patient, and it will happen. Trust me, you will know the difference between a guy who just wants to f*ck you and a man who wants to make love to you and with you. There is NO comparison in this world. Treasure yourself and your body, so that others can see the intrinsic value of it and will want to protect and treasure it, too.
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