lauren_ashliee Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I am 19 years old attending a small local community college and soon Ill be moving away to a University. I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for 1 year 6 months and I am considering breaking up with him. So here is the deal, this guy I am with is absolutely wonderful and we have an amazing relationship and he makes so genuinely happy like more than any one has ever done. So what’s the problem? In the beginning of our relationship I cheated on him on 2 occasions, I told him about one and it absolutely crushed him! I hurt me horribly to see him like that; he is such an amazing person. I have not told him about the second one and I just cant bring myself to tell him, watching him cry for hours is so unbearable and kills me to know that I am the reason he is upset. Thusly I have been contemplating breaking up with him, I know that if I was to tell him about the other occasion he would break up with me and would have such hate and anger for me, so I thought that if I broke up with him without telling him he would not have to go through that pain again. Granted I don’t even know how I would break up with him, again for the fact that he cries a lot and he is so ready to get married and such. Other than the cheating incident, his family is Hispanic and I am white, which is not a problem whatsoever in our family. However, his family does not speak English so I feel like if we were to get married, our families could never bond and we could not become “one” family. Which is important to me because I want my children one day to have a tightly knit, loving family. Also I am 19, about to go to college and join the military after I get my bachelor’s and he wants NOTHING to do with the military and says he will NEVER live on a military base. Joining the military is very important to me, I am an extremely patriotic person, and I will do whatever I can to protect and serve my country. He has no pride like that and does not understand my willingness to fight for this country and gets angry when military even gets mentioned, and cannot fathom why I would be willing to die for my country. Along with college will come meeting tons of new people and I feel like what if someone more suitable for me is out there and I pass them up because of my current boyfriend. Anyways the list goes on, and I know I am a strong person and I will be able to make it through the break up, however he is absolutely not. Sometimes he cries if he has a dream that I broke up with him! He even has said that he would drop out of college if I left him! Things like that make it harder. At the end of the day he is an amazing person and he has taught me so much and I absolutely adore him in every way, I feel like I have damaged the relationship beyond all repair and even if he was to accept my cheating, I’m not ok with it, he deserves someone who will never ever do that to him! Any ways I guess I’m looking for advice basically on how I should break up with him, I’ve never had a “good” guy so usually breaking up was easy, however breaking someone’s heart who has been nothing but amazing is harder.
Exit Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Well you're kind of making it easy on yourself by not having to admit to the 2nd cheating, but at the same time you are sparing him a little bit of pain. It's a tricky decision but I suppose you can try to end it without telling him about that. Just tell him your lives are going in different directions, the way you feel about family, etc.
m00nstone Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 My take - and I may be crucified for this - is that if the cheating happened a long time ago and you didn't contract a disease from it and you swore to yourself (harder to do than swearing to another person) that you wouldn't do it again, don't tell him. What's the point? It really does seem like you are going different places in life, and you're young, so the other reasons for breaking up are plentiful. If the cheating were the only reason, then I would question why you didn't just break up with him at that time rather than now, but it is by far not the only reason. I know he's a good guy, but I feel like he's manipulating you when he says that he'll drop out of college if you leave him. What does your relationship have anything to do with him being in college? If it takes such a toll on him, he should take a semester off and maybe see a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist. I know a few people who have done that because of broken relationships, and they've come out better people because they didn't slog through a semester moping and crying all the time. This is hard for me to say because I have not followed this advice on so many occasions, but no matter how many tears he cries or how many times he pleads with you, in the end, you need to do what is best for you. When you break up with him, stick to your guns. NC may be best in this situation. If you think he needs professional help, point him in that direction, but don't check up on him constantly. Breaking a good person's heart is difficult, and it'll take its toll on you, but always remember, you're at an age when opportunities abound, and the choices you make will influence the opportunities you have in the future. Gosh, I sound like my dad - "Think of your future." But looking back at some of the mistakes I made, I really wish that I had. Now I have the regrets and the "what-ifs".
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