Carolyn Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Hi all. Wasnt sure where to put this, because there is no category for Ex bf/gf troubles, lol...but anyway: I and the ex split 3 months back and because of some harsh things I'd said to him. He cut me off and totally out of his life...even my apology a couple of weeks later, went ignored. Fast forward two months later and I was moving on really well. Then I recieve a call from a witheld number and it was him. Said he'd been thinking about me and wondered how I was. I was hoping to hear he had missed me, wanted us to get back together...but no mention of reconcilinG. In fact said he was enjoying his singledom and Id thought 'fair enough' and assumed this would be a one off call and I wouldnt hear from him again. Anyway and since then, he's called three times and I'm kinda unsure why he's calling, when it's obvious he doesnt want me back. He knows I still have feelings and would have him back in a flash because I've asked him if he's ever coming back to see me and he said he didnt know.....that kinda told me everything I needed to know. So I thought Id try friends with him and see what happened. During his calls however, he has a habit of belittling me.....of saying hurtful things in regard to my looks, my life, my home, accuses me of still sleeping with my ex... and then he mentions some woman in my hometown who he chats to on a dating site, that hed like to meet and bed! Needless to say and after his recent phone call, Id told him not to call me anymore and I'd hung on up him. Then he calls back and says hes joking and merely winding me up....but I dont view jokes at my expense, as being funny. It's like he's trying to bring down my self esteem and hurt me and Im unsure why? If Im that bad, why even call at all? Almost like hes trying to get me jealous by mentioning this other woman.....but why try to make me jealous, when he doesnt care about me? Just wondering what his motive may be in keeping me around, because despite his hurtful remarks, he also doesnt seem to want to let me go.....because he always calls immediatley back if I hang up on him, is all sweet....then a few minutes later he's belittling again.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 He's dangling you on a string.... playing with your emoptions: Tell you what, the next time he calls (and of course he will because he knows he can), say, straight away: "Unless you've called me to tell me we should try again - I don't want to know. I'm about to go No Contact. Please don't contact me again. I don't want to talk to you, and putting the 'phone down on somebody is a rude thing to do, don't you think?" ...And put the phone down. Plus: Read the thread in Caliguy's signature...... And stick to it, 100%.
Author Carolyn Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Go NC and even if the calls are becoming more frequent....as in daily? He acts and talks like we are still together, but then he will come out with crap also....like how hes better looking than me LOL...and then mentioning women he likes. Like hes trying to get me jealous or one over on me all of the time. I can handle him calling, he just talks bull at times and Im wondering why Im sat listening to it all ????
norajane Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 You stay listening because of the misguided hope that if you keep talking to him, eventually, he will want to get back together. You're trying to regain his approval, and taking his abuse in the hope that if he dishes out enough of it, he'll have exacted enough revenge and will want to start fresh. It doesn't work that way. You're far better off telling him that you don't want to hear from him again. Not only will that help you move on, but if he has to face the fact that he REALLY does not have you around whenever he wants as a back-up, he might actually give some thought to whether he wants to genuinely give it a try again. However, even if he does decide that at some point, by that time, you may not care because you have moved on and are dating someone who doesn't play games with you and treat you with such disrespect. He's rubbing your nose in it - stay away from a guy like that! Even if he wants you back, why would you want a guy who is capable of treating you like a dog who has made a mess in the house and must be taught to behave in order to regain master's favor???
Author Carolyn Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Thanks NJ and I hear what you are saying and it makes sense. I don't think Im so much taking his abuse, because when he starts with the 'put downs' or mention of another woman, I automatically hang up on him anyway, so he's well aware I take no crap and am prepared to take no crap. He is also aware that I never and would not, initiate contact first.....so he knows that if he doesnt make a move to phone me, he would never hear from me again. It's him that seems afraid of losing me, hence he calls back as soon as I hang up..... and I dont pick up his first attempt at calling either. I let him ring a few times before I will answer again, then I say I'm not to happy with his remarks and he says he's joking and he's sorry.....till the next time But yes, a good idea would be to give him a taste of life, without me in it...although I'm not much in it anyway because 2 hours seperates us and all communication for the past year and a half has been by phone, apart from the few times we have met in real life. He phoned an hour ago and I didnt pick up anyway Thanks Ladies
norajane Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Thanks NJ and I hear what you are saying and it makes sense. I don't think Im so much taking his abuse, because when he starts with the 'put downs' or mention of another woman, I automatically hang up on him anyway, so he's well aware I take no crap and am prepared to take no crap. He is also aware that I never and would not, initiate contact first.....so he knows that if he doesnt make a move to phone me, he would never hear from me again. It's him that seems afraid of losing me, hence he calls back as soon as I hang up..... and I dont pick up his first attempt at calling either. I let him ring a few times before I will answer again, then I say I'm not to happy with his remarks and he says he's joking and he's sorry.....till the next time As long as you keep picking up, you are taking his abuse. You know he's not sorry and he's not joking, and he knows he's not sorry and he's not joking, and you both know he's going to keep doing it, so by picking up the phone, you are accepting his abuse. You should take better care of yourself. Let him go.
Author Carolyn Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 OK, he's not being abusive, as in having a bad temper and saying things angrily to me, nor does he use profanity. He is laughing when he says most things, but they are things which are a bit hurtful and its hard to tell if he's joking or not. Thing is and despite the stuff he says, we shared an ongoing thing for a year and a half, met a few times and throughout that time he'd bombard me with phone calls and daily. And he's still calling. I didnt and dont initiate a thing, he did and does it all.....so I cant be all that bad, otherwise he'd have been off like a shot, long ago. Because we are long distance, not a lot has changed between us, because all that was happening for the majority last time around was phone calls and that is what is happening now. I was the cause of the break up and 2 months later, he was the one to make the move back to me, which Id figured he would do, if he started to miss me. The more Im thinking about it, Im unsure whether this is the best time to go No Contact and because he seems to be moving closer. When he first called, the calls were once a week. and for three weeks. But now his calls are coming more frequent....hes called 3 times today already. Im thinking maybe I should give it another week or so...see what happens. I always thought NC was used, in bleak instances, where it was looking unlikely the ex would return, with an ex who wasnt communicating......not in instances where they do return and they start moving closer. The fact he even phones me, tells me Im on his mind. I will understand if you give me up as a lost cause, but I appreciated all advice
thegoodlife Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 He may be on your mind but it's not for the right reasons. Years back, I went through a really tough break up of an LTR. I was cheated on, and for the first few months after the break up I still called and hung out with my ex nearly everyday and did the same thing your ex BF is doing. I belittled, and took cheap shots about my ex's looks, family, friends, anything. I sort of felt like, since I was the one who got hurt I had the upper hand and my ex owed me in some way, so they had to just sit there and take it. After a couple months, one day my ex called me out on it, hung up on me and stopped speaking to me. And that's what it took to realize how immature I was behaving. We never spoke again after that, and I'm not saying this is what should happen with you and your ex, but that's what was fitting for me and mine. Point is, a little bit of no contact will help you keep moving on like you were until you received his calls, and might help him realize what he's doing is wrong. Good luck! Also, if you and the ex are going to get back together, make sure he truly does forgive you. It will never work if he feels like he's above you or better than you in some way because you hurt him before. If he chooses to forgive you and let you back in, then he needs to follow through with that and let it go. Grudges are unhealthy for any relationship.
Author Carolyn Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 I've been in that situation too......where I was the one wronged, had the ex who wronged me return and I've assumed I could call all the shots and I did for a while, only to have the ex walk out again and for good. You can only push people so far. But in this situation, it was the wronged who returned.....I didnt go crawling back to him....so Im unsure why he thinks he can call all the shots. Quite simply I guess, its the fact that he came back and Im still here waiting on him, as to why he thinks he can and it places him in control, when he knows I am where he wants me. He seems to sharp get worried, when I hang up though or if I dont answer my phone....so hes not that confident of being able to get away in having everything his way. He knows I will only be pushed so far also and I wont be wating around forever for him to decide what he really wants.
Author Carolyn Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Thing is, I have tried in the past to cut him out of my life, but he's a persistent guy and continues to ring me until I pick up. I always end up picking up, because I feel guilty for ignoring him. He told me last night, that he wouldnt call me again if I didnt want him too and when I said that I saw no point in his phone calls, he hung up. He obviously regretted his decision to say that immediatley, because two minutes later he was back on the phone. He is afraid to lose me....or it would seem that way.
thegoodlife Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I agree with the poster above who said that you should tell him that unless he is ready to give it another try, not to contact you. You know what you want and stand clear on that, but he's the one toying with your emotions and he needs to figure out what he wants. Seems like he's just being greedy and not wanting to be with you, but not wanting you to be with someone else.
Author Carolyn Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Its the part I'm not getting......why stiill call, if they don't want the relationship back? Why not just leave us alone, to get on with our lives? Like I said above though, because this relationship was a long distance one and all we have is communication the majority of time, nothing much has changed for the communication is still there, only not as frequent as before, but its picking up.... We have only met a few times in real life and I had asked him during a call and shortly after he returned, if he had intention of ever coming to see me again and he'd said he didnt know. That was 3 weeks back, but this comment had peed me off admittedly More recently, he has said he is coming back, then in his next call says Im too far away. I dont see 2 hours as being that big of a distance and if you like someone, you make the effort. I dunno, maybe he's just giving enough, that he thinks is gonna keep me around...
OpenBook Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Its the part I'm not getting......why stiill call, if they don't want the relationship back? Why not just leave us alone, to get on with our lives? I think a lot of times, they miss PARTS of the relationship with you, and it blindsides them. They broke up with you for specific reasons (something they didn't like about you), but now they're starting to remember the things about you that they DID like and perhaps what attracted them to you in the first place... and they unexpectedly start missing you.
Author Carolyn Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 I think a lot of times, they miss PARTS of the relationship with you, and it blindsides them. They broke up with you for specific reasons (something they didn't like about you), but now they're starting to remember the things about you that they DID like and perhaps what attracted them to you in the first place... and they unexpectedly start missing you. Yeah I guess so. There is obviously something they like, else they wouldnt return. But upon returning, they also give 'false hope'...and it's for that reason, that I would never contact an ex, no matter how much I missed them....unless I was decided about giving them a second chance. I just think it's odd, that it took him two and a half months to return.....why all that time? After two and a half months, I would have more thought he'd have forgotten about me.....not still be thinking about me. I tend to miss people who have gone from my life, almost immediatley....not two and a half months later.
sb129 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Its the part I'm not getting......why stiill call, if they don't want the relationship back? Why not just leave us alone, to get on with our lives? Probably because he has nothing or no-one better to do in the meantime. Like I said above though, because this relationship was a long distance one and all we have is communication the majority of time, nothing much has changed for the communication is still there, only not as frequent as before, but its picking up.... We have only met a few times in real life and I had asked him during a call and shortly after he returned, if he had intention of ever coming to see me again and he'd said he didnt know. That was 3 weeks back, but this comment had peed me off admittedly More recently, he has said he is coming back, then in his next call says Im too far away. I dont see 2 hours as being that big of a distance and if you like someone, you make the effort. So what would be the big deal if you cut him out of your life completely? He isn't enhancing it in any way, and he only wants contact on his terms, not yours. My last ex before my H kept calling and texting me with all kinds of abuse (and belittling is still abuse) and in the end I changed my number. It was much easier- I didn't want to have anything to do with him and that was that. And you are right- 2 hours isn't that big of a distance if you re into someone. My H and I lived 3.5 by train away from eachother when we first met, and it wasn't a problem at all. This guy doesn't want you, but its likely he wants to keep you from finding someone else with all his BS phone calls too... win-win for him, not for you though.
Author Carolyn Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 This guy doesn't want you, but its likely he wants to keep you from finding someone else with all his BS phone calls too... win-win for him, not for you though. See I dont get that either.....the 'he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want you to meet anyone else' either. Why? If he didn't care or have any kind of feeling, he wouldn't care who I was with surely? I sure don't care about where my exes are or who they may be with. Those who no longer matter, I dont give them a passing thought. But you are right....he is not enhancing my life in any way at all. Reality is, he is likely trying to enhance someone elses and keeping me hanging on, incase it doesnt happen!
sb129 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 You are thinking about this from your perspective, not his. Who knows what his exact motives are for calling you? Only he does truly- but it certainly doesn't sound like they are particularly pleasant or lovey dovey motives. I agree- he possibly is keeping you hanging on as a backup- all the more reason to cut him loose for good.
mikeymcee Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 same thing happened to me, as advice I wouldnt talk to him anymore, its not worth another heartache
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