BearPower Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I guess I am just looking to know that people do care, and do have hearts. After you left your SO, and they pushed you to come back...they begged you. How did you feel rejecting them? Did you put on a strong front and make out like you werent bothered, and just wanted them to go away? It could be a cruel to be kind method. But after such a long time together, I think you owe it to your ex to explain yourself and at least show some compassion. Im confused and hurt by how someone can be like this after a breakup. My ex of 4.5 years together, has been totally unemotional towards me, cold and distant. I dont blame her in a way, i was begging and pleading for 2 months. I pretty much blew away any 2nd chance from NOT GOING NC when I should have done. I begged and pleaded to the point she just got pissed that I couldnt take NO for an answer. Let this be a lesson to others...GO NC when things are still OK between you....otherwise it gets worse and you end up destroying even a friendship. How did you feel? Did you feel bad? Did you make out it was their fault, without looking at your own problems?
carhill Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 IMO, it depends on the emotional setpoint of the person. At one extreme, if they are normally detached and generally uncaring, it's life as usual. At the other extreme, if they are sensitive and outwardly caring in general, it takes a lot of resolve to be 'mean'. I trend towards the sensitive side of the scale and must say that the single biggest positive about marriage counseling was achieving clarity of understanding about such things and how to process them in my psyche. I was able to recognize my detachment and alter my behaviors to match the emotional setpoint, whereas prior I was always too 'nice' and formed an internal disconnect which was damaging. So, now, much more healthfully than prior, I can confront people in public when necessary and, in relationships, set boundaries more firmly and walk away when appropriate. With my wife, I was able to look her in the eye, tell her what I wasn't getting from the M, accept my responsibilities, and say it's time we part, something that would have been devastatingly difficult prior. I think accepting responsibility for one's own actions, one's 'fault', is key to this process. It validates the dynamic and, at least for me, gave me more confidence. Did I feel 'bad'? Somewhat, yes. But, also, it felt refreshing. Accuracy and honesty of emotion can be a liberating feeling as well, even with tinges of 'bad'. If your ex-fiance was always warm and loving and you now see a different 'side' of her, you're likely experiencing what my wife has experienced with my behavior changes, except she doesn't 'want' me back. She's just shocked by the change.
Author BearPower Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Thankyou Carhill for that. That was very in depth. Trust you to give me such a great answer!! Yes she was normally caring and loving. Thats why Im so shocked to see a different side of her..... I know I shouldnt be trying to second guess her feelings, but it's nice to get some insight into how different people feel and react. I guess I am just looking for some comfort in the fact she is being as such
norajane Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 At the other extreme, if they are sensitive and outwardly caring in general, it takes a lot of resolve to be 'mean'. I agree. But sometimes you get pushed to the breaking point, and you overcome the natural urge to be nice. When I left my ex-fiance and moved out, I was compassionate and nice to him. We were together for six years, and I didn't hate him. However, he would take my "niceness" as a reason to hope we'd get back together. And that was not going to happen. So he'd keep calling and coming over unexpectedly and bringing flowers and whatnot. And I felt bad for him so I'd try to be nice and let him down gently. But it made me feel horrible and and it felt like emotional blackmail - I'd let him put me through the emotional wringer because I felt bad for him, even though I so very badly just wanted it to be done and not see him anymore. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and became more and more "mean" about it. It meant I had detached enough that I could allow myself to be blunt and "mean" with him.
Author BearPower Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 wow...that makes a lot of sense to me.Thankyou Oh well, i only have myself to blame i guess. Although I was never let down 'gently' It has all be crash bang wallop for me.Again- only myself to blame, but i didnt have the same mentality at the begining as I do today....
m00nstone Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I've never been in this situation with someone I really cared about, but in terms of one person who I did not care about much, when I cut him off, things were fine for a few months, and then I got a text out of the blue asking about it. Keep in mind that I really didn't care about anything going on in his life at this point, so I just ignored it. To me, that's mean, but maybe it's not on other people's standards. It bothered me for a few minutes, but then I shrugged and reminded myself that before the text, I didn't care what he was doing at all. I hate being mean to people, but I certainly didn't lose any sleep over this. Now if this were someone I cared about, I'm such a pushover that I would probably be completely unable to be mean to them and thereby become an enabler for their begging and pleading, which is bad. Luckily, I haven't been in this situation. Unless a person is truly cold-hearted, I really think that everyone feels at least a little bit bad in the beginning. After it becomes a nuisance via the begging and pleading (not to put that down... I've definitely been there myself many times), it becomes easier and easier to be mean.
Exit Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 My ex is being extremely cold to me yet she keeps putting off giving me my things back. I told her a long time ago that it was going to give me hope that this could work out if I saw her hesitating, and that's exactly what she's doing. Finally I confronted her the other day and got some of my things out of her car, but she said she had to get to work and again said we would take care of it another day. So she's being mean yet SHE'S the reason we have to keep talking and seeing each other. I wish she would pick 1 and stick to it.
Author BearPower Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 I know she cares and wont cut contact for ever. But i see how my behaviour has effected how she treats me. We share friends and she has never said we will never see each other again, she wouldnt like for that to happen, wants to be friends..bla bla bla She just asked me to leave her alone and stop trying to get back with her. And I didnt listen. It was pretty selfish of me to not respect her wishes, and to not listen the advice of others on here. So i blew it for now. In hindsight, CARHILL TOLD ME TO BACK OFF, and at that point things were good....and I wish I had been strong enough to listen. Things might be different. Ill learn
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I don't think you can paint every situation the same way. I will say that for most people, no one enjoys being mean to an ex, unless it was a horrendous break up. For normal break ups, the person dumping you, will most often experience pain themselves. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
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