green apples Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 After a few hanging outs (I did not even think of them as dates), a guy told me he liked me. I might have grown to like him at a later stage but he was coming on too strong and that scared me. I made it quite clear that I did not feel the same way. He was disappointed but handled it quite well. We agreed to be friends. Then he disappeared. We never hung out anymore and it was like he was avoiding me. I am not sure if he was trying to protect himself by forgetting me? Or was he being one of the practicals, thinking NEXT since I did not want the same thing as he did? Do guys act this way? No friendship for them if no romance?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I am not sure if he was trying to protect himself by forgetting me? This would be my guess. Or at the very least, he felt it would be easier to get over you if he got you out of sight completely.
bac Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 My guess is that he was just a player who was looking for a short sexual experience.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Well there you go. Two replies from practically opposite ends of the spectrum... And the moral of this story is.... You can never second-guess anybody's reasons for doing anything. Of course, you could always ask him....!
yeex Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 A lot of guys do not want to just be friends with a girl that they are attracted to. That is like torture. Also it is rough to declare "feelings" for a girl and then her just say that she would rather be friends. Only "nice guys" would stay around waiting for her to change her mind. Yes, I am sure he is protecting himself and getting over you by not contacting you and I am sure he is trying to find a girl that does want him romantically. Smart move on his part really. He did kind of mess it up by telling you he likes you so early, so he is not perfect. He should have approached it differently and probably will for the next girl.
BobSacamento Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 The question is, do you want this guy to be your friend so you have him as a relationship option at an arms length? This is why I don't want to be friends with women. I want to date women. Women despise competition so really there isn't a reason to be friends with women. They never want to set you up with their friends because they always want you as a possible back up plan.
stillafool Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 [ QUOTE=yeex;2221220]A lot of guys do not want to just be friends with a girl that they are attracted to. That is like torture. Also it is rough to declare "feelings" for a girl and then her just say that she would rather be friends. Only "nice guys" would stay around waiting for her to change her mind. Yes, I am sure he is protecting himself and getting over you by not contacting you and I am sure he is trying to find a girl that does want him romantically. Smart move on his part really. He did kind of mess it up by telling you he likes you so early, so he is not perfect. He should have approached it differently and probably will for the next girl. Ditto!
carhill Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 They never want to set you up with their friends because they always want you as a possible back up plan. Yeah, it sucks, even when you're like a brother, that selfish XX chromosomal makeup just won't willingly turn you loose to another potential. For the OP, it's simple. Put yourself in his shoes, loosely..... you tell him you like him romantically and he's not interested and tells you straight out. Would you hang around? Do you think that's healthy?
You'reasian Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 After a few hanging outs (I did not even think of them as dates), a guy told me he liked me. I might have grown to like him at a later stage but he was coming on too strong and that scared me. Makes sense. He went straight to business. I made it quite clear that I did not feel the same way. He was disappointed but handled it quite well. We agreed to be friends. Then he disappeared. We never hung out anymore and it was like he was avoiding me. . Also makes sense. He moved on. I am not sure if he was trying to protect himself by forgetting me? Or was he being one of the practicals, thinking NEXT since I did not want the same thing as he did? Do guys act this way? No friendship for them if no romance? Other than friends from our past, guys don't want female friends (the exception being work colleagues) - heck, alot of women don't want female friends. He swooped in. Took a chance to see if there was a connection. Understood that women make decisions sooner rather than later and when you friend zoned him, he took a quick exit. Didn't waste his or your time. This guys intentions and your reaction did not match. Women generally do not take a guy from stranger -> friend -> date/bf. Its usually stranger -> date -> bf.
Author green apples Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 The question is, do you want this guy to be your friend so you have him as a relationship option at an arms length? This is why I don't want to be friends with women. I want to date women. Women despise competition so really there isn't a reason to be friends with women. They never want to set you up with their friends because they always want you as a possible back up plan. No, not at all. I felt bad for rejecting him just because I think he is a good man and he looked really disappointed when I told him I did not feel the same way. I would not want to treat him in any way I do not want to be treated. I just wanted to be a friend, as we both agreed. I thought he was okay with being a friend too. I was not trying to be selfish to keep him as a last option but I did not expect him to disappear after agreeing to be friends. If he had told me he could not be friends with me because he wanted all or nothing, I would have understood. It was telling me one thing and doing another that confused me. Now that I think I understand better why he does not want to continue being friends, I should just let him be.
Author green apples Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 I forgot to mention that I agree with yeex, that it's tough for him to tell me how he felt. That was why I appreciated it a lot more and felt even worse for having to reject him. Yeah, it sucks, even when you're like a brother, that selfish XX chromosomal makeup just won't willingly turn you loose to another potential. For the OP, it's simple. Put yourself in his shoes, loosely..... you tell him you like him romantically and he's not interested and tells you straight out. Would you hang around? Do you think that's healthy? Carhill, you are right. It would have been tough to hang around. I would not want him to hang around to be friends if he is not ready for it. But I have read quite a few threads on LS with people asking whether they should hang around to wait for someone to change their minds about them. It is not for this particular question of mine, but sometimes I wonder if those who do not hang around to change others' minds are genuinely interested in the first place, since they seem to be able to switch on and off so easily. But no, I will not force anyone to be my friend if he does not want to.
Gottabestrong Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Hi Green, I have been in similar situations before: met a cute guy, he came on strong, I felt pressured and told him I just wanted to be friends, he disappeared. This always made me wonder if he was interested in me in the first place or was just after sex. I think us girls like to take things slow and call early dating 'being friends' in order to not feel pressured. We hope that the guy will continue seeing us and try to change our minds by showing what a great guy he is and how much he cares about us, while guys seem to think they are being 'friendzoned' and move on to the next girl. Still have not found a way how to avoid this dilemma other than saying 'I think you are really nice, but for now I would like to take it slow and start as friends', which unfortunately still means that many guys will stop calling me. If anyone knows how to handle the situation better, let us know, please!
carhill Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Sure, It's actually pretty easy. Show clear romantic interest and downplay sexual progression. This would be consistent with what you want; that being developing intimacy and romance (I'm assuming here). If you can't delineate between sex and romance, I can't help you
Author green apples Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Hi Green, I have been in similar situations before: met a cute guy, he came on strong, I felt pressured and told him I just wanted to be friends, he disappeared. This always made me wonder if he was interested in me in the first place or was just after sex. I think us girls like to take things slow and call early dating 'being friends' in order to not feel pressured. We hope that the guy will continue seeing us and try to change our minds by showing what a great guy he is and how much he cares about us, while guys seem to think they are being 'friendzoned' and move on to the next girl. Yep, in my case I think that particular guy could have changed my mind eventually. So now I do wonder if he was really interested or only after sex. To the guys out there, if a girl you like doesn't immediately return the interest, don't give up yet! (But neither should you be a pest.)
Author green apples Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Beware the ego... Do you mean my ego or the guy's ego?
Trialbyfire Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Do you mean my ego or the guy's ego? Yours for certain. If you need me to expand on that, I will.
Author green apples Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Yours for certain. If you need me to expand on that, I will. I think I know what you meant. Perhaps a bit in the name of vanity but I would really have liked to be friends with the guy, ego or not. But I sure would not want to "hurt" him anymore if he did not want to be friends.
carhill Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Part of acquiring emotional intelligence (it's a life process) is discovering and affirming that everything isn't about you. Learning to care and empathize with others, even if this means an occasional sacrifice of self, teaches one how to be truly intimate. It sounds like you are on this path. Of course you'd like to have a guy who desires you as a friend. I'd love be surrounded by women who desire me. That doesn't mean it's healthy. That was where my suggestion to step into his shoes came from. It's his desire (now unrequited) which drives his interest in you, not shared activities or other external things. Those external things, combined with shared philosophies, start true platonic friendships. There is no additional element of sexual/romantic attraction. So, this guy saved face by agreeing to be friends and is processing his rejection privately. He will, if my experience is any guide, be doing this a lot in his lifetime. It's part of how men develop their unique emotional setpoint.
You'reasian Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Still have not found a way how to avoid this dilemma other than saying 'I think you are really nice, but for now I would like to take it slow and start as friends', which unfortunately still means that many guys will stop calling me. If anyone knows how to handle the situation better, let us know, please! When a woman says, "lets just be friends" after meeting we take that as "we're not that interested in you" - this action is described as the friend-zone. Why is this important? As boys grow up to be men, we watch women. We see early on when you tell one guy that you want to be friends... A) There's no sense of urgency to want us and thus no strong attraction. B) Many times, its because you want to focus on someone else whom you do find yourself attracted to.
WineCountry Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Yep, in my case I think that particular guy could have changed my mind eventually. So now I do wonder if he was really interested or only after sex. To the guys out there, if a girl you like doesn't immediately return the interest, don't give up yet! (But neither should you be a pest.) See, I'm a woman, but to me this seems like a damned if you do, and damned if you dont situation. If you tell the guy you dont feel the same way, and he DID stick around, and you STILL didnt want him later on down the road, then he would get called a stalker, or obsessive, etc. Yet, if you tell him you dont feel the same way, and he takes you at your word and leaves you alone, he gets accused of only wanting you for sex. Well..what the hell????? How do you win that?? Personally, If I let a guy know that i like him, and he tells me he doesnt feel the same way, i leave it alone. I mean, how often does it turn out that the person actually WILL like you maybe 3-4 months down the road?? Seriously? I mean you see people on here that hang on to dear life to people who have clearly showed them by their actions or their words that they are NOT interested, and yet they hang on. And nothing changes. Who wants to be THAT person?? Sure, some of you say that if given time, you might have dated the person. But, why should that person take that chance on perhaps offending you if you really DONT feel that way about him later?? I too would just go on about my business. Hey, if you tell someone you arent interested, then accept the fact that person may believe you, and move on.
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