Superdude87 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I'd been dating this girl for 7 months and up until a month ago things were just about as perfect as could be. The ONLY problem was that I always thought she was still hiding some feelings for her ex, seeing as how they only broke up for good 3 months before she met me. I KNOW that it was dumb of me to get involved with her and not expect to be the rebound, but SHE pursued me and eventually we started a serious relationship. Within a few months she already dropped the "I could see myself marrying you" card, and assured me she was happier with me than she was with her ex even though her lifestyle with me was much more calm (school, work, etc...) than her ex (just work and play...no school). I don't party much, she likes to go downtown/dancing/etc...but is really smart, responsible, and down to earth. I usually don't like party girls, but she never let it get out of hand or control her life, something I admired. Anyway, 3 weeks ago she began talking to her ex again and I got a little upset. I told her several times to stop because it was out of hand and disrespectful. One night she lied about going out with friends, I found out about it, confronted her and she told me she went to see her ex to figure out why she couldn't completely let go. I had to drag all the details out of her and eventually found out she cheated on me. At that point I broke it off, which was about a week ago. 2 days later we talked a bit, went out to lunch and discussed EVERYTHING about the situation and our future. I KNOW I shouldn't trust a cheater/liar, but I LOVE this girl and honestly wanted to marry her. After the talk I considered possibly mending our relationship, but now she really doesn't know if she wants me or not, and is obviously fighting feelings for her ex. That night, she called me, crying, saying she just COMPLETELY ended things with her ex. I should mention that is kind of a loser (no steady job, no career goals, major alcoholic, selfish, and hurt her emotionally when they were together). So the next day we spent together, and she was still receiving texts from her ex, stating that he "wanted her back, couldn't deal with losing her, etc...". She still seemed confused about what she truly wanted. Today I told her that I couldn't see her, talk to her, or be a part of her life until she figures her **** out. Again, I KNOW I shouldn't trust this girl, but deep down she is a good person and I love her. I could see myself marrying her no doubt. I might just be blind with love to see the severity of this situation, but a big part of me wants her to take a few months to figure things out and decide that YES she wants to be with me. However, I won't crawl, I won't beg, and I sure as hell won't wait around for her to decide. I won't be a part of her life until she decides, and as far as I'm concerned I'm starting to move on and get over her. But part of me knows that if she ever decides to come back, I'm sure that my heart will have a hard time saying no. So what do I do? It's hard to let go of something so good, even though it was only 7 months we got really close and were even talking about moving in together before all this bull**** happened. I'm pretty sure I can forgive her for what happened, but it will take time to rebuild that trust and I need her to be able to commit to me 110%. Any advice welcome. Thanks and sorry for the huge post!
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Read this thread, stick to it absolutely 100% otherwise you'll find yourself changing your forum name to 'superdoormat87'.....
westrock Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 a big part of me wants her to take a few months to figure things out and decide that YES she wants to be with me. However, I won't crawl, I won't beg, and I sure as hell won't wait around for her to decide. I won't be a part of her life until she decides, and as far as I'm concerned I'm starting to move on and get over her. But part of me knows that if she ever decides to come back, I'm sure that my heart will have a hard time saying no. The bolded parts above show your internal conflict. On one hand you want her to take time to decide, but on the other hand by saying you're not willing to wait around it seems you don't really want her to take her time. What's it going to be?
SweetyBear Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Why do we try to convince ourselves that deep down they're good people when their actions are proving otherwise? Is it that we want to be the person to excavate that good person they are deep down, pat ourselves on the back, and live happily ever after? Or is it that we don't want to own up to that we were just fooled in the beginning so we can't admit they aren't as great as we once thought? I dunno, but that statement from you about how you know you shouldn't trust her, but you know deep down she is a good person really stuck out to me. How do you know? When you've been together a short time, less than a year, and her actions have been pretty much not good with getting in contact with her ex, etc., why do you think that deep down she's good? It's not unusual, i guess. I know I do it and I've read a lot of other posts with the same kind of theme.
Author Superdude87 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Thanks you guys. Yeah after I read what I wrote, it was pretty clear I'm being a chump. I can't honestly say "I'm moving on, done, etc.." when I want her back and expect her to come running back. That's a contradiction. Also, it's easy for me to say she's a good person because the 99.9% of everything else she did, what she wants to be in life, and just HOW she is as a person was exactly the type of person I wanted to be with and possibly marry. It's hard to come to terms with the lying and cheating because I don't want to see that perfect person isn't as a perfect as I thought. The weird thing is that I don't hate her, I'm not mad at her, I understand she is confused about everything. One minute she wants me, one minute she doesn't. Well I made the choice for her. One quote stuck with me through my last breakup: "The best revenge is living well". As petty as it is, I want to make my life so perfect and amazing that it will hurt her to see me doing so well and wants to be back a part of my life but by that time I will have moved on. I just want her to understand the pain of wanting something that doesn't want you back.
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