Queen of Hearts Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 It's long. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read it. Met a man, got pregnant 5 months later, and got married (Feb 2005) because of the pregnancy. In the beginning things were good, eventually grew to be horrible. By horrible, I mean, lots of fighting, lots of misery, and a general feeling of severe dislike bordering on hate on my part towards him for the way he acted; which could be classified as selfish, mean and lazy. I am sure he could say I was a nag and controlling. I admit we both had a hand in making things miserable, though I would say it came about initially because his actions. I would always try to be the good wife, but nothing I ever did made him happy. He was always in a miserable mood and took it out on me and the kids. I am not the type to take crap lying down, and when he started to be mean, I fought back. I eventually returned to night school (August 2005) for two reasons. 1) I knew I could not expect my kids to graduate college if I hadn’t and 2) my XH was a hardworking blue collar man who I wanted to help out by getting a degree in a business field to help earn as much money as possible. Regardless of my reasons for going to school, he resented me for getting my education and things got worse. He never got his degree and didn’t like that I would have more earning power than him. I spent many nights trying to talk to him about how our relationship was not healthy, that we needed to work together to make things good, that I didn’t want to end up resenting and hating him. He, essentially, told me nothing was wrong, that he didn’t know what I was talking about. I came to realize I could not stay in that situation and wanted to make sure I could support the kids no matter what he ended up doing. School became more than a motivator for my kids, it became my way out, so I dug in and started going fulltime. That pissed him off more. His insecurity was overwhelming. In Dec 2006 I told him I wanted a divorce. He told me that he didn’t want to and that I should finish school first before I made any other decisions about it. I stayed. I told him again sometime in 2007 I wanted out and again he said wait until I was done with my Bachelors degree, and then we would talk about it. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and divorced him in May of 2008. He didn’t move out until August 2008 due to him losing his job. I didn’t want to kick him out since he had nowhere to go. When he finally got a job, he moved into a place less than a block away. I didn’t want to be one of those wives you hear horror stories about, so I asked for no child support. I make twice what he does. I knew that if I ever really needed it for the kids, he would do whatever he had to in order to help. Also, I asked him if we could possibly continue to have dinner together as a family; which we did and still do, so as to minimize the impact of the break on the children. As soon as he moved out it was like a weight had been lifted off of me. He totally changed. I don’t think that he ever really thought I was going to divorce him and make him move out, and when I did, it had a big impact on how he treated me. Eventually the nightly dinners grew into us spending the weekends together as a family and now he is at my house almost every night for the past month. We have talked about moving back in together and trying again, but I get scared. I worry that he is going to fall back into his same habits, and I am going to end up miserable again when he gets comfortable. I cannot take another bout of the misery I experienced while we were married. I am willing to consider reconciliation with him for the sake of the kids if he is willing to continue to put forth an effort to make things work better. The thing is…. I don’t know that I can say I am in love with him. I care for him. On his birthdays, Christmas and father’s day I always buy him nice things, I help him financially when he is in trouble, I do his laundry when he is busy, I cook for him, I try to reciprocate for the time he has given me to go to night school. I enjoy his company for the most part. We have great sex. All of which leads me to wonder if I even know what love is or, if I have been so emotionally removed from him for so long that I have lost all hopes of ever having that loving feeling with him. I know that the fact that we have not kissed in the last 5 years has a huge part in the lack of feelings I have. I refuse to kiss him until he becomes better about his dental hygiene, sees a dentist and gets that smell out of his mouth. Yes, I have expressed many times that this is the reason I will not kiss him. He stopped trying to kiss me many years ago. Also, the fact that we do not have the same interest, motivators, and passions in life, play a huge role. We are totally different people, which we never really had the chance to find out before we got pregnant and married. I know it was a huge blunder, but I would not trade my kids for anything in the world. However, I honestly feel that if we did not have children, I would move back to Chicago and never see him again. I refuse to ever leave this state that I hate so unbearably much and move away from him because I could not do that to the kids. His entire family is here which is good for them, too. My family is scattered all over the U.S. I am not the type to date random men, nor bring them around my kids. I am funny about stuff like that and just don’t think it’s right. If I were to ever even consider dating someone it would have to take a very long time before I would ever consider introducing him to my kids, and then much longer before I told the kids we were seeing each other more than friends. This is what tells me that I should just settle, and be happy that the father of my kids is a decent man, not an alcoholic/drug addict, works hard, would never cheat, would never hit me, and does care for me greatly as I do him. I am not sure that he knows what love is either. So, any advice or questions you may have to provoke me to think more deeply on this would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Author Queen of Hearts Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Wow, 20 views and not one person has a comment, thought, or opinion.....
giotto Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I think you really have to ask yourself: do I love this man? Do I want him back in my life? From what you say, I doubt it and if you have have doubts too, then don't, because it wouldn't be fair on him and on your children - and on you.
wuggle Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 You may not think you love this man , but you might without realising it, or it could just be that things are 'comfortable' with him. The comfortable thing is ok, there are worse ways to spend your life, especially if you have children together. Maybe a way to think about this is if you didn't have kids together would you still want him ? Kids are resilient, yes they can get messed up if parents split , but they are IMHO just as likeley to get messed up if the parents stay together and things aren't great (I know they are ok at the moment but as you worry he might drift back into past behaviours maybe they won't stay that way). Kids aside, can you see yourself being happy with this guy, just the two of you in say 20 years time ? or would you think that you had wasted your life with someone you didn't love? I suspect your kids will be fine whatever you decide, he doesn't sound like the sort to make life cr*p, so forget them for a while, what do you want out of life ? At the end of the day it's your life
JayJ Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Despite the brainwashing we all go through, at least those of us in North America and Western Europe, growing up with Hollywood romances and other myths about love, love is really what you make it. There are so many miserable marriages out there because people, having a romanticized version of love in their heads, expect way too much. It's also why people are so quick to divorce. Not living up to the notions of love in the popular culture?...off we go to the lawyers! Kids be damned. People also expect spectacular sex until the day they drop dead, never thinking that just maybe sex with the same person for decade after decade might just become a little bit boring and that one's libido might just settle into neutral after the heady days of being in overdrive at the beginning of the relationship. If you can meet someone who you can stand to be around for 30 or 40 years. Who is responsible, honest and caring (but not necessarily head over heels in love) then you're lucky. If the hot and heavy romance isn't there and/or the sex is a chore, well, you can't have it all. Besides all that fades pretty fast in most marriages anyway and by hanging on to that notion you are leaving yourself open to a whole heap of misery.
luvstarved Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Well, it does not sound like you are all that "divorced" in the first place. I am not sure what is motivating the change in status quo, really. You are effectively existing as a couple. Neither of you are seeing other people, are you? It sounds like the main problem is that he took you for granted and you resented it. If the status quo is working fine, I am not sure you should change it... But...if you want to then you can read books, lay ground rules, etc...to keep the respect and communication alive. You've already proven that you'll only take so much s**t so you're probably ahead of the game. My rule of thumb for the "lasting love" issue is: if you never had "it" you never will. If you ever did have it, you can get it back. Lasting love has peaks and valleys. It might not be as passionate as in the first heady days, but it can be equally good, with a sublime comforting familiar feeling that comes with true intimacy. Having different interests is to me, if anything, a plus. Taking interest in each other's interests should give you lots to talk about it...you don't have to share the passion, but having on ongoing curiosity and something to feed it with is a good thing, in my book. I definitely think you've got a lot to work with that is positive. If you really want to move back in together officially though, I would only do it after considering and negotiating terms. I don't mean it to sound like a legal arrangement, I mean it to sound like open, mutually respectful communication. Best wishes.
Author Queen of Hearts Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I have lived on my own for excatly one year. It was the best decision I ever made.
Miss Olivia Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 The fact that he has bad hygiene and wouldn't go to the dentist would be hard for me to deal with too! It's one thing if he couldn't kiss you because of something out of his control, but he chose not to do something about it! What was his excuse?
BetheButterfly Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Wow, 20 views and not one person has a comment, thought, or opinion..... Sometimes it's hard to know what to write. I don't know what would be good advice. My hubby and I are recently married... actually, this September it will be a year!!! One thing you addressed is fighting. I think it's important to discuss issues without using words that hurt other people. Using one's sense of humor in a way that makes communication fun helps my hubby and me. Is there anything you and him do that is fun, like going walking or going to play basketball together or things like that? It would be great to do something together with the kids. I think love is putting the other person's welfare/happiness before one's own. That is hard to do sometimes, but very easy to do when the person you love puts your welfare/happiness before his/her own. Having fun together and enjoying the simple things in life, the beauty of nature, and making precious moments really help. So as you consider reconciliation, I do think it's good that you outline your expectations and ask him about his. I hope that his dental hygiene improves... that is important to get that taken care of. Hopefully his dental health is not bad... sometimes mouth smells come from health issues as well. It would be good for him to go to the dentist if possible.
Recommended Posts