sounsure Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Hi, I am new here and looking for some advice. Here's my story in a nutshell. My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years. We have 2 children ages 5 and 7. We have so many issues to work through and are just now trying to due to a crisis in our marriage. Here are the main issues: He never wants to do anything with me unless it's with the kids. I suggest things, but he never does. When I ask him what he would like to do, he just can't answer. He would rather sit in the other room and watch t.v. and doesn't seen to ever want to spend time with me - I guess we have grown apart. He has always had a problem with responsibility and working. He never has taken the initiative to work hard at a job. Once owned his own company that would have done very well but just got lazy and basically stopped calling people back and then just gave up. He now got a job that he really enjoys. Along with the job, he has suddenly found an interest in friendship with many people who all happen to be female. I have always wanted him to have his own friends but had a hard time understanding how he can make plans with these friends, enjoys talking to them on a regular basis, always concerned that they are ok, but never seems to care about how I am or makes any effort to spend time with me. On another note, I also have a lot of friends that I am very close with. Talk to them all the time and always invite him to join us. He rarely does. Now the crisis: I had been suspecting something was going on as he acting differently. Suddenly very concerned with his looks, losing weight, and always texting. When he was alseep one night I found some text messages on his phone to one of the girls at work. They were very sexually explicit. I was blown away and immediately confronted him. He freaked out, apologized, said we need counseling, wants us to work this out as he can't live without me. I agreed to try and work on things but he has to immediately stop speaking with this girl ( who is also married ) and start working on our relationship. A couple of weeks go by - I go to counseling on my own, he never even makes an appointment to go to counseling. Then I find emails where he is still communicating with this girl and speaking bad about me and how he would rather be at work. I went through all the emotions, cried like I never cried before. He apologized, yet again and immediately made an appointment to see a counselor which he did last week. We will start a 7 week intense marriage counseling session together this week. Problem is, after I got over the hurt, I have realized I'm just not in love with him anymore. He still won't talk to me. He wants to wait until we are with the counselor. We are actually moving in 3 weeks to a new home. I would like to get separated, he does not as he thinks that will be the end of our marriage. I just can't live with him anymore as it has really put a strain on my children, especially the older one. She has seen me cry, and is so worried about me. Whenever he is around, I am a mess. When he is not around, I'm fine. I think it's best we don't move into the house together so the kids can get used to that. The move is a big enough change for the kids, but adding a separation into the mix a few weeks later, I just think they would be devastated. I think it's best to just seperate now and then try and work on the marriage. If it works, he can move in. So I guess I am looking for some advice, thoughts, words of wisdom. I am so confused and only want what is best for my kids. Has anyone ever stayed in a marriage for the kids? I just don't think it's the right thing to do. I want them to know that marriage is about 2 people that love eachother and enjoy eachothers company. Anyone had personal or know of successful stories of people separating and then getting back together? Or been to marriage counseling that it actually was the key to making a marriage work. Sorry to drag this on but wanted to include all the important pieces of this crazy life I am living right now. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!! Thanks!!!
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Well, I read your post, and re-read your post, and tried to consider the options, but in your shoes, I think I'd come to the same conclusion: Staying together 'for the sake of the children' is not a good reason at all. To my mind, it's important to do three things: What ails your marriage stays between you two, and the children need only know the facts, devoid of any emotional wrangling.You continue to take joint responsibility and decisions for the children (insofar as you have been doing up to now) and you make sure your decisions are unbiased and unilateral.You separate the Emotional from the Business/practical aspect of separation.In other words, any decisions made with regard to property, finances, goods & chattels should be based on logic and being sensible. They should not be fuelled or impulsed by how you feel emotionally about things. The reasons you are separating are emotional. The conclusion to the separation is logical. Don't mix the two. PS: In your shoes? He'd have gone long ago.....
Biggie25x Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Give yourself some time to figure things out. You can always split if it doesn't work out. You need to see if you BOTH can work on it and make your marriage survive. That is if you are the only one working on it than I think you know the answer to the question. I think any marriage can survive if both parties are willing to work on it, "being on love" not withstanding. At one time you loved each other enough to marry so all you need to do is find that again. This is easier said than done though because it takes hard work on both sides. If he continues to ignore the situation or talk with other women like he does than he is not focusing on YOUR marriage. You deserve a partner that can work on the marriage just as much as you do. So take a little while and figure it out. Make sure you are comfortable with the decision. Once made it can't be unmade. Make sure it is right for you. That you are okay with it and can live the rest of your life with the decision. If he tries hard he tries hard he can win you back. After all he won your love in the first place. Keep posting, it helps we are all here for you.
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