digitalwizard Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 To find out the other half of what I am talking about in this post, see the link below: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190609/ Being separated from my wife for nearly 5 weeks has been devastating. I have never felt more empty, but also, I have never been so 'awake'. I have had a LOT of time to think about why I am sleeping alone and not with my beautiful wife. Most of what I have discovered is that I was a pure monster. I have taken a fine-tooth comb and examined every detail of our marriage from the words "I do" to this very moment and discovered some terrible things about myself. I have an anger problem. Most of you will probably read this and tear me a new ******* and I need that so feel free. I met my wife online 9 yrs ago in a christian chat room (we have both progressed spiritually to our higher selves over the years - not christians anymore - but that's another story) and we hit it off immediately. She was funny, had a great personality, and talkative. Our first conversation lasted probably a good 5 or so hours. It was amazing the connection that we had. I was in the Army (Airborne!) and would come home every night and chat to her until the wee hours of the morning. She was married and had two kids and she was 5 years older than me. One thing you should know about me is that I never was good with kids. My parents weren't affectionate and I guess it rubbed off on me. I'm not as bad as them, but I could give a lot more hugs and I love yous. Anyway, we were just good friends at this point, and I was helping her with her problems. Her brother had just died from alcohol abuse on the streets of Jackson, MS (he actually was trying to stop drinking and that's what killed him) and she was in a very bad way. I later learned through talking with her that she cut her arms with razor blades and she had been molested by her cousin when she was about 7 or 8. She had a lot of problems and was very willing to talk about them with me. She said that her husband was a bum and never paid attention to her. She said that he told her on several occasions that he didn't love her anymore and they were just together for the kid's sake. Well, inevitably, I started falling in love with this woman. We eventually progressed our chats to the telephone and it got even more serious. We would talk for hours and have HUGE$$$$ bills at the end of the month, but did it again anyway. I felt like I had "met" my best friend. She was perfect. I lived in Ft. Bragg, NC and as I said she lived in Brandon, MS, about 850 or so miles. Once her husband and her got separated and started divorce proceedings I was allowed to go and see her. I flew down and it was instant fireworks! I mean, I had never felt such a feeling in my life. To me, she was perfection. Anyway, we stayed at a hotel b/c at the time she was living with her mom. We NEVER had sex b/c we wanted to wait until marriage, but we did fool around with each other. I didn't even hesitate; I knew I wanted her forever and I proposed that weekend. We got married about a month later and she moved to Ft. Bragg with me. This is where the s#it starts to reveal itself. It was my first taste of kids. She had a girl, 4, and a son, 2 and they loved me, but well, they were kids. They were loud and whiney. (Understand, I'm not saying that from the perspective of now, that is how I felt then.) One day she was at the store and I caught the girl smearing her feces all over the walls and I lost it. Maybe it was my military time that made me so hard or my parents, I don't know, but I basically grabbed the 'diaper' out of her hands and pushed her back from the wall. (I know; it was abuse and I am/was ashamed) Her head hit the wall and she started crying. On another instance, they would not stop fighting with each other so I took some duct tape and 'tied' them to the railing on the stairs. I wasn't actually mad at that time; I was just playing with them, but I didn't understand kids and it scared them a lot. My wife found out and she was pretty upset. Well I had other instances that I'm not gonna mention for times sake, but understand I was pretty mean. About a month before I left the Army, we had a daughter. It happened accidentally--but we knew the night that it had happened. Anyway, we moved back to her area and lived with her mom for a bit. I got a job and so did she and her mother basically 'made the decision' with the kids. I didn't like that and it caused a great deal of conflict. Now, with all this being said, our intimacy was never affected. We have always had a deep intimacy. It was almost never just about sex; it was about being together. We had a deep, strong connection. Sometimes we'd stay up all night JUST TALKING. Those are some great memories! Anyway, after 3 years, we couldn't make enough to get our own place and I got word of a job back in my hometown in Ohio at GM. So, I told her that I was going up there for a month to apply for the job and she was hesitant, but let me go anyway. A mile down the road, I missed her like mad. The job didn't pan out and I moved back down to MS and got a job as a locksmith with this shady peice of ****. I was on call 24/7 and would normally work from 5am to around 1am. It was hell, but I actually stuck with it b/c it seemed promising. However, I was too blind to see that it was destroying my marriage. After about 4 months on the job and no days off, I came home one night and my wife begged me, weeping and on her knees to quit the job and find something else. I was a heartless **** and I basically walked out of the room. I was brainwashed by this guy. LITERALLY. He had me believing that I was gonna' make a ton of money and I thought it would all be okay after I put my time in. Little did I know, he was a con peice of ****. One day, I came home and my stuff was outside the front door, all packed up. Well, that was my wake up call. I begged her to let me stay and she said that I needed to ask for a day off to spend some time with them. I said I would. We actually had a great night that night b/c I had come back down to earth and realized I had such a great wife. Long story short, I asked for the day off and he accused me of being lazy. I quit. He charged me all kinds of bull**** fees and my last check was like $4. A few months later I got a job at a factory and I worked my ass off. It was killer work and I hated it. The drive to work was about 40mins and it was 2nd shift. I ended up quitting the job b/c it was driving me nuts. (I know now that I was just lazy and selfish) Her mom said that if I didn't get a job that I had to leave. I moved to Ohio and stayed with my parents. I realized that I had made a terrible mistake, but it was too late. She felt like I had abandoned her and the kids. She lost all respect for me. I went to work weeping every night, wiping my eyes before going inside and trying to pretend like everything was fine, but she was all I thought about. She was my life. I even missed the kids and would often call and talk to them. I called and begged and pleaded and cried for her to give me another chance and she flat out said 'no'. She said I passed the point of no return. We still talked on the phone quite a bit, but the relationship side was pretty non-existant. At this time, I turned to God. I got my life right and got involved in the church and prayed every night for my anger to be contained and for my love to return to me. About 6 months or so later, she was driving home from a concert and witnessed a person being thrown from a car in a wreck. She called me that night and said that she took that as a sign from God to take me back. Well, she moved up there with me and our first night was so funny and memorable. We had an airmattress that was leaking and we taped it up and had to keep fooling with it all night long, but we were making the best of it and laughing. It was wonderful and so were the next 4 or so years. I don't remember too many problems. We did start seeking more spirituality than christianity and turned to enlightenment through finding yourself. Where the **** went bad is when we moved in an apartment in 2007. The place was oppressive. I can't even describe why, but we were always sick and everyone was always grumpy. My daughter got most of my wrath. I would literally cuss her up and down and call her worthless. God I hate that. (She is staying with me now and hug and let her know she's loved every day now. I feel terrible about my behavior). Her daughter refused to go to school at one point and I blew up about that too. On several occasions, I got so mad that I broke stuff. I had no idea how to control my temper. She got scared some nights and stayed in a hotel. Well, this pretty much brings us to the other link. We were still very much in love, but I was a scary person to be around. I found out last Sunday that several people (claiming to be Psychics) have told her that I will 'snap' one day and kill them all. My wife told me this on Monday and said that she was going to move on b/c she couldn't take that risk. This woke me up even more and I went and researched anger and depression. I found a condition that causes people to be more angry than others. I don't know if I have it or not, but I do have a pretty bad temper. I also found methods, drugs, and supplements that help control your anger. I printed out all this and took to her house and showed her that I could change. I told her that I wasn't gonna depend on me this time, that I would get real professional help. For three nights, she basically blew me off and then Thursday (last night) I spent the night. See the other thread for the details. What I want to know is based on what I just described, do you still think that NC will work? I think she's just afraid to take me back. I can feel and sense that she wants to. I can see it in her body language and in her eyes, but I don't know how to fix it. I asked her to let me stay for a few days and see how it goes. I told her at the first sign of me blowing up or anything that I'll leave. She hasn't answered; she just keeps saying, "I don't know". I know that I've dug this hole. I need HELP getting out of it. I love her and the kids. I spend every weekend with them. I never realized what I had until it was gone. I blew it once before, see, and made her the same promises as now. The only difference is that I am seeking professional help. I'm afraid that I used my last chance, though. I am 30 and I am not the same immature bastard that made the empty promises last time. I know that if she will take me back and give a chance, we will grow old together. I will NOT blow it again! I can't speak it to her, though. I have to SHOW her and I can only do that by living with her. So I don't know what to do!!! The reason that I wrote all of this to clarify is b/c in the other post I got the feeling that many of you thought she was the bad guy. She has her faults. Who doesn't? But, I drove her away. Other than her addiction to Rock Band, I don't really have any excuses to have treated her that way. She feels appreciated on Rock Band b/c she's good at it. People like to play with her b/c she's good. It makes HER feel good. I just wish it didn't possess her life so much.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 She was married and had two kids.... I stopped reading right there. She was married, you two started a relationship. Now she's doing the same thing again? Wow.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 They had decided to divorce before we started any serious relationship. It was just flirting mostly, which I know is bad in itself, but she said that they were definitely going to split. She just didn't know how to tell him. If you would have read a few sentences more, you would have saw that we were just friends at this point and I was helping her deal with her loss and other problems b/c he wouldn't.
NopeNah Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Divorce is not what brought me to this site. I've been through one before (7yr marrage w/ our child) and it was hell! But, I feel my most recent Breakup is very similar to a divorce 5yr w/her having a son(who i love as my own and me my daughter(from previous ex), thats what brought me here. This is a tuff sittuation ,guy. I wish the best for you. Just know that whatever happens you two obviously need some counseling to make it last. Listen to Gunny as he seems to be a VERY level headed,upfront,standup guy..stay strong for YOURSELF and most importantly YOUR DAUGHTER!
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 The first thing you need to do? Is "solidier up! You've done it once? You can do it again! You've no chance with her or anyone until you "man-up" I would do it for you, because I know you would do it for me! We've got to build you from the ground up!
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 ..stay strong for YOURSELF and most importantly YOUR DAUGHTER! Got that part right!
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