centenial Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 1st post here and I've been doing a lot of searching the last 3 weeks. My story: My wife and I have been together for 6 years and have two children. We separated 6 months ago and it has been very tough trying to communicate in a nice friendly manner during this time. I'm a jealous type person and never really accepted that until recently. I have always loved her and I was in shock when she said she was moving out. I've tried to move on during this time and most of our contact was for the kids and sometimes we could enjoy each others conversations. I was under the impression that she was wanting nothing to do w/ me and seeing where things went with her new "friend" About 4 weeks ago I asked if they were a couple and she said they were just good friends. I told her I'd fight like hell if there ever was any hope and left it at that. A week later I get a text saying I'm ruining any chance for any hope. This is when I started talking about 2nd thoughts with her and all I got was "if I told you, that would mean you'd win". It's went from that, to maybe, to stop pushing, to right now I don't see it ever working. I am the pushy type, I'm working on trying to take care of that. I'm also the jealous type and have admited my faults. We've talked about counseling, right now she doesn't want to open up until she see's one, solo. That was two weeks ago, still no counselor. I'm being more friendly, trying to be the best friend I can be, and trying not to push. I just don't get the mind games. I'm confused now, I thought it was over and now I see an opening. Our divorce is finalized in Sept and I know it isn't what I want, and I really don't think it's what she wants but I have no clue. This is long, it could of been a lot longer :-)
BCCA Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Here is one of the very few things I've been able to decipher in my experience from dealing with women: if its not 'yes/sure/ok', the answer is no. 'Not right now/maybe later/stop pushing/etc' are all ways to say no without being mean or putting all their cards on the table. Here are a couple reasons women do this: 1. Your whole attitude towards her will change if you know 100% sure that you two arent getting back together. Youre not going to be helpful or very friendly, and youre not going to be there for her if she needs anything. 2. She may very well never find that greener grass, and therefore, doesnt want to burn the bridge entirely. Youre easy, comfortable, and she knows what to expect from you - thats not something you can ever get from a stranger. What you should do is consider it over for good, work on moving on, and only be in contact with her when you need to because of your children. You simply cant be your normal 'husband' self, because shes not your wife right now, and its just not fair.
Author centenial Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 what sucks is I was moving on and trying to enjoy life as much as I could. I would go to friends for the weekends when I didn't have the kids and not contact her for that time. I think it started getting to her. When I asked why she brought all this up and not give me an answer she did say to see if I turned mean again. She's always been like this and she's always bottled things up, we talked about this a week ago. I won't just get back together without some serious changes in both of our attitudes and some sort of counseling. We've talked about counseling some but then she bottles everything up and shuts down. We've talked about postponing the divorce after we try things out this summer. At least we're talking now, being friends, joking, and spending some time together. Gotta be civil to each other through this and most importantly for the kids. I won't just give up because I know how she is, but I won't bend over backwards when I have plans just because she wants me there. We'll see how it goes, I'm seeing a counselor next week to see what they have to say and to hash out my issues/problems.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 The problem is, your joint attitudes and behaviours have set a pattern for her. She has been used to a specific 'you' for 6+ years (I expect you had a period of dating before marrying) and is now adjusting to life without you. Which is the way it is going to be, but she is in the process of "un-learning' responses in ways she used to respond WITH you. So basically, if you're saying you're trying to change - she's testing you. But in all honesty, I agree with BCCA. She's not about to come back, and is using platitudes to mask the words 'No way'..... The 4th consideration in addition to BCCA's reasons for her doing this is 'previous programming'...If she's trodden on eggshells around you up to now, she's going to carry on doing so, because she may not either believe, or see, the changes you are trying to implement. Who exactly are you trying to change for - her, or you? If it's for her benefit, forget it. ONE: She's not coming back. TWO: never change for anybody else. Always - and only - ever change for yourself, because you really want to.....
Author centenial Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 just found out today from a friend of mine that she slept with another man. I went to her house to talk about it because I got a "no it didn't happen" on the phone. 10 min after my phone call my friend calls me to tell me it did happen because "the guy" just called to ask if he told me cause she texted him. I told her I knew but remained as calm as possible. We talked and I obviously was in shock and wanted to know why. She cried, told me she is so mixed up right now, and doesn't know why but she's made a huge mistake. I didn't demand anything, I said I didn't know if we could work through this. She's setting up a counselor on Mon. cause she can't talk w/o speaking to one first. All she did was promise me she wouldn't do anything to hurt me until we make a desicion on what paths we go. This all happend before we started talking again but this just puts a wrench in everything. I know I need to walk away and do what's best for me but why is it so hard to want hope to work on things? Part of me is saying we can get through this if that's the decision, part of me is just crippled with pain and doesn't have a clue on what to do.
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 So now you know: She's not coming back, and actually, had no intention of coming back. She's not confused. She's guilty because you found out. Tell her it's over. The sooner you go No Contact, the sooner you can move on. You need to. For you. Everything you do from now on, is for you.
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