Badlovespell Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 VERY LONG….but necessary…first post… Hello all, I lurk on this board ALOT, but this will be my first post. I have tried to find anything, something that I can relate to my situation, but I have yet to come accross anything quite as crazy. I just need some advice on sorting through this mess and really don't need judgement passed, as I pretty much punish my self every day. What have I done? I am going to try and make this brief, it will be difficult and I think detail is neccesary to fully understand. A few summers ago, I was in a bind with my current babysitter. I am a divorced Mother and was in desperate need of a babysitter, as my current one was suffering from post-partum depression. Her husband made arrangements for me to meet the woman up the street who was willing to watch my children for the summer. Thus it began. As the summer went on, I could see that my new sitter was very clingy. She always wanted me to stay and visit after work and I knew her whole personal life story. She was unhappy in her marriage, stayed home with her 4 children and was having a sexual affair with the 16 year old boy accross the street. She became very needy of me emotionally, calling me late at night when her husband was not home, showing up with young boyfriend at odd hours. All of this time, I was very concerned for her well bieng, tried to get her to straighten up and stop the affiair. I knew her husband from my teenage years. Not that we were close friends, but we had mutual friends and things in common in our youth and I really felt that he was not this horrible Monster she portrayed him to be. During this time, when I would be there, we would all socialize together while the children played. Her husband and I got along well, and he would often ask for advice about what to do...as she would please ask me to speak to him for her, or text him and talk to him about how she was feeling. It was truly innocent at first. After months of communicating back and forth, all with her knowledge, of course....we found that we enjoyed chatting and that we had much in common. We began to talk or text, call just because we were bored or lonely. It was at this point that I should have stopped, but part of me felt like he was just reaching out to me and I was stuck in the middle. I guess I didn’t realize what was really transpiring at the time. I continued to hang out with them, and even in her presence, we talked and laughed and she did not seem to mind. I felt something for him, but kept a distance initially. One night when we had a gathering at their house, him and I stayed up all night just talking. This is when we first admitted our feelings for each other. I left very confused and emotionally I decided it was best for me to stay away, as she had confided in me the issues she was having, he had no idea about her affair and quite frankly, I did not want to betray her. That didn’t work. He contacted me and we continued to communicate, where he was asking me to come see him, or to hang out and telling me he loved me but he was in a tough spot and so was I. I held back for a long while, continued to be her friend (I know, I know…what kind of friend am I). One night I was out and he wanted me to go for a ride. Long story short, I knew this night she was out with her teenage boyfriend, so I took a chance and met him. Well, she found out. It was ugly. She tried to stab him and of course….I went on my way. I apologized to her, but really I was wondering how sorry I was. This began the whole MySpace bashing against me. Everyone knew before we even knew what was actually going on. I found out he was staying at a hotel. He asked me to come and see him, he was distraught. That is when I told him of her affair, as I felt he was being way too hard on himself. He went to stay with a friend, her anger at me, although justified continued in the form of slander as she went everywhere in our town slandering me, telling people I was the one sleeping with her neighbor…anything you could think of, to my friends, my ex-husband, his girlfriend, my family. At this point, his friend gave up his lease (a few weeks later) and he asked me if he could come stay with me. I did not want him to, as I felt that if he had a chance to make his marriage work, I would stay out of the picture. I did not know what to tell my children, or his as our children were close. It was ugly. He came to stay with me against my better judgement. We did truly love each other and regardless of the mess, discussed it and felt we could work through it. It is almost two years later. I am now living in the home that he once shared with her. The drama continues. My ex-husband, his girlfriend and her, his ex-wife have all conspired to ruin us at all costs. I am now fighting my ex- over custody of my children, my 13 year old daughter refused to move with me, he has not seen his children for a year, due to a protective order she placed on him. She will not agree to let his children be around me, and that is the only way she will stop the drama and let him have visitation with his children. The one child, that his ex-wife had to his best friend, while they were together and he raised from birth as his own, he will never be able to see again because his ex is now wanting her real father to be in her life. Everyone is hurt. It is a huge mess. I have literally cried myself to sleep at night, begging him to go back to her just so this will end. He does not want to, but feels hopeless guilt towards his children. The stress of all of this has taken its toll on us and the kids and affected every aspect of our lives. I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much, but I can not see anyone else ever getting over this. He won’t go back and has been fighting in court for his kids all this time. I am now facing to do the same. Do I leave? I am struggling with just letting it go, moving on, starting fresh with my children. I worry so much about what will happen to him. I worry so much about the hurt that has been caused. He would have left, no doubt, but if not for me…it may have been a lot easier on everyone. My heart aches every day knowing that we can not ever have a normal life together. I feel like we were somehow thrown together in this cosmic, messy salad…. Oh well, thank you for reading, if you even had the patience…and please someone tell me, what can ever make this better for anyone? Oh, I am usually a very rational, kind, and caring person. I feel so much pain for her, and it was really never about me getting any personal gain. When I mess up, boy do I really mess up. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Ronni_W Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Everything that happened in the past -- all of it, the good, the bad, the obscene and the beautiful, ALL OF IT -- is in the past. As I'm interpreting it, what is keeping you focused on the past is mostly your own guilt (lack of acceptance and surrender to what CURRENTLY exists.) And because you just keep looking at the past, you cannot see your way clear as to what to do in the present to create a happy and successful future. Basically, your guilt is keeping you stuck in a Catch-22 of your own making. You've arrived at a conclusion that you two "cannot ever have a normal life together" -- who told you that, and why are you believing him/her/them? Yes, you are both facing some major hurdles. Yes, there are amends to be made, especially as far as both sets of children are concerned. But, who said that you cannot face, deal with and overcome these challenges? Who told you that you are a weak, powerless and ineffective force in your own life? And WHY are you believing him/her/them? Here is your truth that you would be wise to connect with, IMO: You are strong, powerful, important, significant, worthy, deserving, lovable and acceptable EXACTLY where you are in life right now. Live UP to that! Do NOT believe it when you hear that you are NOT all of those things. You are. You just need to connect with it so that you can demonstrate it to all who care to see. Wishing you Wisdom, Guidance, Love, Happiness and Success...you CAN create these things, you ARE a powerful enough force in your own life. Yes?
Author Badlovespell Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Thank You for the positive feedback. I try so hard not to dwell on the past, but it keeps popping up. We are now both facing court cases, where our ex-s have befriended each other and stating that neither one of of them wants our kids around either one of us. Mine has gone so far as to ask the court to remove my bf from my home. They want to ruin us and it is working. I am torn up. I feel like I can't live without my kids or my bf. Why should I have to choose. They have made it their goal to inflict all the misery and pain they can on us and will not be happy until we split.
Ronni_W Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hugs. I do understand the pain and anguish. What kind of stress management and individual therapy are you doing to help keep up your energy, self-confidence and self-esteem? They have made it their goal to inflict all the misery and pain they can on us and will not be happy until we split. That is on "them" -- YOU do not have to lay down and let them "win" so easily and achieve their goal without any fight and struggle! You and your partner are facing some brutal times ahead. Absolutely. It is impossible for you (both) to receive the kind of support, understanding and guidance that you deserve and need, from an on-line community -- no matter how loving and insightful are the people here at LS. Couples' counseling would be helpful so that you can learn, together, how to weather this storm, and be the 'rocks' for each other that you do both need to be...and have. Sorry I can't offer you more.
Recommended Posts