kirikat Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I have been dating a guy since last summer. He is wonderful, and in some ways this is the healthiest, sanest, most loving relationship I have ever had. So, what's the problem you ask? When we began, I was just coming out of a bad bad bad breakup - and still seeing the b*stard in question. Davi (my new guy) was kind of lost and wandering in his life, and not ready for a big R relationship. Plus, he said "You're not the one, I dont think I will probably fall in love with you. I'm looking for someone else, you don't smell right (this is a metaphor, of course....". And, I will admit, on a chemistry scale, we are probably about an 80 out of a 100. (Of course, with the ex, the chemistry was a 100 - but we were incompatible in every other way - so I dont count sexual chemistry for everything anymore....). Despite these reservations, the relationship has grown to this: He is my constant companion. We are building a life together - we are building a company together, we work on each others many projects - he manages my productions, I edit his screenplays, he works for my company as a free-lancer, and we are raising my child together. People ask us, almost daily "so, are you guys married" - because we look married, we act married - we have formed a life and a family together - and we have both been very content on a day to day basis. So - the problem? He has a script in his head that involves the end of the relationship. We are here together for a limited time, and then we part. I dont want to be the actress in this play. The other day, he informed me that he'd really like to **** one of the girls in my present play (not that he would ---); the next day he flirted like mad with her, and ignored me - then forgot to kiss me goodbye. I am not a jealous person, but I went ballistic. At which point, he informed me that though he would never endager our relationship, because it is far far too important to him, and he would never hurt me nor abandon me, he has been "clear" about his feelings for me. What the *****???????? You build a LIFE with and around someone, they become the CENTER of your WORLD (him, not me - he doesnt give me any space at all, I swear ---) - but your "feelings" are clear because if you dont say it, youre not doing it???????? Im confused. Really really really deeply confused. If he doesnt love me, why has he built a world and a life around mine? This makes no sense to me, none at all.
sailing Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I feel for you, and fully understand your anger and confusion. I can't see where you would be in the wrong. Perhaps he really believes that yours is a companionship that can encompass this sort of revelation (and I may be wrong but it seems to me men are more able to carry on a 99% relationship yet still hold on to that last, vital, get out clause) but I don't see how a normal, caring person would not realise that your feelings are taking a beating here. If he's ok with that, it's worrying. I really don't know what to advise, apart from the easier said than done: leave! But I wish you luck - and courage.
dunstable Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 We are building a life together - we are building a company together, we work on each others many projects - he manages my productions, I edit his screenplays, he works for my company as a free-lancer, and we are raising my child together. People ask us, almost daily "so, are you guys married" - because we look married, we act married - we have formed a life and a family together - and we have both been very content on a day to day basis. So - the problem? He has a script in his head that involves the end of the relationship.. I'm very sorry. You are a talented couple - sounds like you are a producer/actress and he is a screenwriter. It is always very dangerous to go into a business with someone with whom you re having a relationship. When the relationship fails, the business may do so also. I wonder though whether you are being too theatrical in believing that failure is written into the script? He may have said that to avoid going too fast while keeping his options open. I would see a glimmer of hope.
Author kirikat Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Ha! Its actually MORE dangerous. He is a film director, and I am a theater director. So, we have two very sensitive people; with massively busy lives. And you might be right, he may just want to keep it slow emotionally, while enjoying all the many artistic, creative, and comforting benefits of a really stable secure family life. But I really dont particularly like conflicts about relationship to go to "But I have always been clear that I am not REALLY your boyfriend - etc etc etc....), as I think its kind of disingenuous, and from a female perspective at least - more than a little insane. I mean what the heck are you supposed to call a monogomous, sexually active, nearly live in releationship with someone who clearly loves you and is loved back by you?
carhill Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 So - the problem? He has a script in his head that involves the end of the relationship. We are here together for a limited time, and then we part. I dont want to be the actress in this play. The other day, he informed me that he'd really like to **** one of the girls in my present play (not that he would ---); the next day he flirted like mad with her, and ignored me - then forgot to kiss me goodbye. I am not a jealous person, but I went ballistic. At which point, he informed me that though he would never endanger our relationship, because it is far far too important to him, and he would never hurt me nor abandon me, he has been "clear" about his feelings for me. I call this snapping the rubber band. It keeps you on edge and engaged. Classic emotional manipulation. I hope his good qualities overwhelmingly balance out this very bad one. Good luck
Island Girl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 The other day, he informed me that he'd really like to **** one of the girls in my present play (not that he would ---); the next day he flirted like mad with her, and ignored me - then forgot to kiss me goodbye. At which point, he informed me that though he would never endager our relationship, because it is far far too important to him, and he would never hurt me nor abandon me, he has been "clear" about his feelings for me. Please see your quote above. He DID hurt you. First by his comment about his blatant comment of "attraction" to the girl -- then by acting out in front of you --- then by conveniently "forgetting" to kiss you good bye afterward. He endangered the relationship by his actions. But as he surmised you are still there taking what he dishes out. (Including those little comments that withhold any sort of commitment from you -- sucky behavior to say the least.) He clearly sees an end and has told you so. He has an "out" anytime he wants one. He'll just probably give you advanced notice so that way he isn't "abandoning" you. Why you have swallowed all of this and set up such ties with a person that continually tells you he is not in it for the long haul and has no intention of making your relationship permanent EVER is beyond me. You are just getting more and more entrenched and entangled with business, etc. I feel for you sweetie but damn you need to get the hell OUT.
prettybaby Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Yeah, this relationship is clearly not gonna last. Sorry to be blunt, but he's not in love with you. He's got a comfy situation with you right now, he has your company so he doesn't have to feel alone, he gets laid, and all this while looking for something better. The day he finds what he feels is a better match for him, he'll drop you like an old sock. There will probably be some dramatic conversation involved, which will include "I don't want to hurt you", "I always cared about you", blah blah. Truth is that it's crystal clear where he's heading to, and he has made it pretty clear to you as well from the very beginning. So you should probably just face it for what it is, and move on. Because he will.
Author kirikat Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 David and I had a long heart to heart, it was difficult for me - and for him. I feel all the voices in me very very active and loud and noisy; it feels a little like being picked on on the playground. To the very best of my ability I am going to do nothing at the moment, and certainly not make any decisions about anything until after Macbeth has come and gone. First, no decisions are necessary at this time: second, I do not trust decsions I make when all the broken little peices in my brain are fighting so hard for my attention. Finally - it can wait, I have more important things to attend to at the moment. As I understand what David says, it is this: He is absolutely committed to me, and to my life, and to this relationship. He doesn't see that this relationship HAS an ending. He feels that this relationship is desitnal and necessary for the both of us - that this is a gift from somewhere - and that the 'outcome' - such as it is, is that we both get back to the path that leads to our calling - and that this is why we are together, and that we are absolutely essential for each other. He loves me very deeply, he respects me, admires me and is absolutely on my side - and will do everything within his power to make sure that I am doing with my life what I am supposed to be doing, and from me he feels the same thing. Where we have a breakdown / problem is this: He doesn't have the kind of love for me that one would have for a wife/girlfriend. Its not that it is less deep or important, it is just that it is different. Sex, while pleasant, is just not the center it would be if he had those feelings. He doesn't feel the powerfully possessive want to tear my clothes off and get me pregnant feelings that he would want to have with a romantic life partner. Now, I will warrant this: I have had far better sexual chemistry with other partners too. With Ale, I ignored every single other thing that wasnt right about the relationship simply due to the fact that sexually we were so well partnered. I know the feeling he is talking about, and I wish - with all my heart - that I could change this for the both of us. I don't need to tear his clothes off when he comes in the room, and my knees dont get weak when he touches me either. But - with all other things being equal - and I NEVER thought I would say this; that could be ok with me. But, I dont think it could be OK with David, and honestly, over the long term - its hard to say how my ego would deal with a love relationship that is missing that element .... my last relationship had ONLY that, this relationship has EVERYTHING except that - and I believe that this is something that is so chemically based that maybe it cannot change. I told David that Im indeed, falling in love bit by bit, and that withholding intimacy / building walls will probably be utterly useless in "protecting" me from anything, and indeed will just probably frustrate me. To not be able to say "I love you" and needing to "control" my heart or my feelings is a prison like kind of rule for me, and hurts me by causing a sort of cognitive dissonance. (I have no tolerance for frustration). I said that most of the time, when I am with him, I feel like I am home. He acknowledged that this is very nice thing. I told him that as it stands right now, as long as we are together and nearly living together, I see myself as "his girl" - and have no inclination (nor time, nor space in my life) to be seeking other relationships --- and that we cannot really HAVE the relationship we have if I am out looking for another life partner. He asked if I could be 'his girl' without him being "my boy" - and honestly, I told him I think that would be fine with me. He said that would be fine with him. I double checked that with him - and was clear that he didnt need to make any agreements right now. He said he doesnt agree to anything he doesnt want to. Needless to say, I still have plenty of feelings about this. The princess inside me wants happily ever after, and is frequently bursting into tears. The judge inside is telling me I am being stupid and am going to get creamed. Several voices are screaming "whats wrong with me, why doesnt anyone want me ---- why wont anyone ever love me. I'm going to DIE alone"..... and a small rational voice is telling me to seriously consider whether I can do this or not. But - David might be right, this might be destinal and I dont think I have ever FELT this loved and supported and admired nor well cared for in my whole life. I am confused, frightened, hopeful, excited, resigned, hopeless - and this emotions move from moment to moment to moment. I WANT to just run away right now, but there is a voice of wisdom that tells me to just hold still, love is love in whatever form it takes, and is not something to be disregarded ever. Thats all the news thats fit to print!
Bejita463 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 He asked if I could be 'his girl' without him being "my boy" That alone makes this guy sound like a raging **** head to me.
AlektraClementine Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 From what you've said so far (your words), this guy makes my skin crawl. I'll bet he's super passive-aggressive. I'll bet he's a shameless flirt and probably not a good one. And I'll bet he LOVES to talk about himself to anyone who'll listen. *shiver* I'd leave if I were you. I predict that he'll do one of 2 things for sure. 1 - He'll leave you for someone younger/prettier/ditsier/influential - pick an adjective 2 - He'll cheat on you unmercifully. Good luck. You sound like an alright gal.
carhill Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 OP, read my journals. You've described my friend's current BF almost like you were her. Early on, when we first came in contact again, she called this a "convenient relationship", which I later came to understand allowed her to remain somewhat detached, but to have security and the sense of feeling wanted sometimes. She focuses on other parts of her life and tolerates those aspects she finds annoying. By loving less, it's evidently satisfying and works. Alektra described his behavior perfectly. Does that sound like your BF? Anyway, if it works for you, there ya go. It's evidently worked for my friend for nearly 10 years. I caught on in about 10 minutes. Guess I need more patience
prettybaby Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 You're writing a novel here. Just face it: the guy is a selfish prick and no good will come from a relationship with him.
Island Girl Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 So he clarified it. The danger is that he will meet a woman he DOES feel that magic with. Because if he does I can assure you he will be off in a heartbeat. Forget the promises of always caring for you, etc. Anything he said will be null and void because when a man feels that connection with a woman she is his focus. Expect to be tossed aside like an old dishrag and at that point cared for just as much. Remember how you felt when he was flirting with that woman he is SOOOO attracted to? That was just flirting honey. If you are going to stay (maybe he will never meet that love of his life - or maybe he is incapable of that kind of love - one can only hope, right?) then take the extra step of making sure you protect yourself - that you'll be okay. In business make sure there are no verbal agreements and that EVERYTHING is spelled out in writing, put money aside so if parts of your life went into upheaval you'd be okay, etc. More power to you sweetie. I would never stay in such a situation but my inner princess rules absolutely. I want, deserve, and get the whole enchilada.
paddington bear Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 What I have learned from similar situations is this: When a man says 'I'm not ready for a relationship' 'I really like and admire you, but I don't think you're the one' He Means It, he is not joking, he is unlikely to change his mind. When you agree to his terms 'I will be with you even knowing that for you it's never going to be the 100% deal' the man thinks 'Phew, that's all cleared up, she knows where I stand and is ok with it, we will go forward with those rules in place' and even when you seem to be getting closer and closer and more tied-up in each other's lives for him, those rules still apply, nothing has changed for him, while everything has changed for you. I'm guessing here that you thought that his feelings might change given time, would grow further. Him flirting with someone else is simply him following exactly what he said 'this is not a relationship with a big R'. He still feels free to flirt with others and not fully commit to you because that's what he told you he wanted and you agreed to it. I agree with the previous poster who said that when he does get the right chemical mix from someone else, he will be gone. Having said that, so might you. You're giving him all the power here. He is totally necessary for your happiness, but you are not totally necessary to his. I would advise that you tell him that you need and deserve more than this and that you are going to start dating other men. You may not start dating other men, you might only have eyes for him, but it might jolt him out of the comfortable position you've allowed him to get into, if it doesn't make him realise that he's losing a very important person from his life, then you know exactly where you stand with him, and best to know sooner rather than later. Right now he has you in his life in exactly the position he wants, total adoration and support from you in all aspects of his life, while he is free to leave at any time due to the fact that he said that this would never end up as a big love relationship. That's not a very nice position for you at all. So, do you continue to give him what he wants, what makes him happy? Or do you start thinking about what you want from the main man in your life? If he's not willing or able to give you what you want, ever, you might have to make the hard decision to move on. You saying that you would be ok with being the right girl for him but him not being the right guy for you is...well, it's just setting yourself up for further heartbreak. You are now tied up financially, emotionally, with your child and in your career with this person, you share everything with him, you feel like you are married to him, but you are not married to him. You are in an imaginary marriage. And you never will be married to him from the sounds of it (sorry to sound harsh, tough love here). Tell him you need a little time out to think, that you might want to reassess your view "I could be 'his girl' without him being "my boy" - and honestly, I told him I think that would be fine with me". Would you really be fine with that? Really and truly? Fine with watching him flirt with others, fine with knowing that he will never love you 100%, fine with always feeling second best? Be really honest with yourself here. At some point that 'being fine' may turn into total resentment and you will no longer be fine with it at all, and you will start hating him for not loving you in the way that you want. Love and good wishes
stepka Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 One thing you could do after you get this production all squared away is to make plans to leave and then do it. If he cares about you enough, he will realize what he has lost. If he doesn't care enough to woo you back, you'll know you made the right move. I know that sounds like a big project right now, but if he leaves you, you'll have just as big of a project and be heartbroken at the same time.
Author kirikat Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Lots of responses here, and I thank all of you. First on the selfish prick part - no. Thats not it. The guy is a straight up and up good guy. I have met his friends, I have met his family. They are few, but very serious and very wonderful people, and he is seriously well loved and well respected by the people who are close to him. My friends who have watched me go through nearly 3 years with someone who really did play me, adore this guy. They like how he treats me, how he behaves towards me, and they like the changes they see in my life now that he is in it. He is kind, consistant, gentle, and that he loves me I do not doubt. It isnt like he shows up to make sure his bitch is at home, and then goes out with his friends. He is HERE, solidly, consistantly present, and he isnt out looking for anything else. And yes, if he were to fall in love, chances are pretty sure he'd be gone. However, and this was clear in the conversation too - he isnt looking, neither actively nor passively - (David doesn't tell lies. He doesnt say things he doesnt mean. He is impeccable with his word. If he says he will do something it is done. If he says he will be there at 5 pm, he is there at 4.59) Now - the sex thing. Ah. The sex thing. Its good. But, we re not in tune. And ultimately, unless somehow that were to magically change, well.... honestly, we want the same thing. I want someone who makes my knees weak. As much as I love and admire and respect him, and am grateful for him in my life.... and could see a life long partnership, I do want butterflies in my stomach too. Paddington, you had some really good insights - and I thank you. Does that baseline sexual chemistry EVER change? Can it change? I mean, I would have thrown my entire life on someone once for that transcendatal magical sexual chemistry --- (thats something damn rare), and now I have someone who is simply GOOD for me - and that energy is just missing - for both of us. So, honestly, I might just be as likely to move on as he is - unless there is some way under gods green earth to change that lack of sexual passion. (Lifes just not fair!)
Island Girl Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 And yes, if he were to fall in love, chances are pretty sure he'd be gone. However, and this was clear in the conversation too - he isnt looking, neither actively nor passively - I don't think he is lying. The funny thing is falling in love happens when you LEAST expect it. It happens when you AREN'T looking. Life isn't fair. You are right. But I find those who are most unhappy with their results are those that settle.
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Look kirikat, he's being straight with you. You've become his security but not his romantic love. In you being "his girl", even though he doesn't consider himself "your boy", he will step out on you and it won't be cheating, because he's already told you this. I don't think he's a bad guy. He's just not the one for you. Wrap up this project and keep him as a close friend, even someone to meet some basic needs when your dating life is in a lull, but plse don't invest any further romantic emotions on him unless you're willing to share in the future. We teach people how to treat us. You're telling him you'll take whatever scraps he has to offer.
paddington bear Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Paddington, you had some really good insights - and I thank you. Does that baseline sexual chemistry EVER change? Can it change? I mean, I would have thrown my entire life on someone once for that transcendatal magical sexual chemistry --- (thats something damn rare), and now I have someone who is simply GOOD for me - and that energy is just missing - for both of us. So, honestly, I might just be as likely to move on as he is - unless there is some way under gods green earth to change that lack of sexual passion. (Lifes just not fair!) Ok, I've been thinking about the chemistry thing...and honestly, I don't know if that sexual chemistry can change from being not the right mix to being the right mix. I had the knee trembly thing with a guy who was not right for me, I've had the total in love feelings but total bad mix in the bedroom with another guy and you end up wishing you could take the sexual chemistry from one and put it into the other. For me anyway, you can't make that chemistry happen. The thing is, if you were both totally ok with that, then you could go on as you are indefinately, but he's definitely not, and you yourself are not either (leaving aside all your other feelings for this man), you can live with it, but it sounds like a small niggle that will always be there. I don't know where you are in terms of what you see as morally bad or good - could you live with yourself if you went out and tried to find a man that did have that knee-trembling factor for you? And have sex with him and then after that re-evaluate whether that pow, wow, I feel like a woman when I'm with this man is something that you can live without. Also remember, you don't have to make a decision about this guy right now, it's not all black and white, leave him immediately, or decide to stay forever, you can decide that at any time. Give yourself some time to observe your feelings, your thoughts etc (not his, not what he wants, not how your actions affect him, but your own feelings and wants), be selfish for the next weeks/months and quietly use that time figure out your own thoughts on this whole situation and then make the decision to stay in this relationship the way it is now or not. Not to be all doom and gloom, but I've been in a couple of situations where nearly everything was there, except the love that I wanted, the love I gave wasn't fully returned, and I, like you really thought I could live with it, that it was enough for me, but in every occassion, it turned out not to be enough for me and my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth got crushed further and further down, which doesn't do you any good and doesn't help you meet a man that would be willing to be 'the one'.
Author kirikat Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Paddington, Thank you. And yes folks, I actually AM ok with being someones girl who is not my "boy". Monogomy is not really the ditch I fall in and die. Spiritual and emotional monogomy is important to me, sexual monogomy - as long as we are talking safe sex --- thats negotiable. If I were to meet someone who I fancied, I would discuss it first, but --- if it weren't to have a deep and lasting impact on my primary partnership, I doubt it would be an issue. At this point, we are monogomous, because we are both invested in protecting our relationship at this moment; we are extraordinarily busy, and we are more interested in being with each other than with any one else. However, I KNOW my ego probably wont last through this. The last boy who I was sprung over looked at me as if I were a piece of candy to be unwrapped: I miss it. It kept me with him for a long time, completely in absence of any real intellectual, spirtitual or life compatability issues. I have a feeling if either of us could take a magic pill that changed the sexual chemistry, we would. Its easier I think to find someone to be in love with than it is to find someone you genuinely like and admire. As I read through these posts, I also find it interesting what our culture tells me about love: if it is destined to perfection and happily ever after you should leave: monogomy is the only proof of love: only ONE kind of love is acceptable, and if a man won't promise this specific emotion he is a lying prick. How much do we set our selves up for heartbreak when we are rigid like this? If I agree to these things, of course I MUST split NOW - And even within my current relationship, David and I both have a vision of what happily ever after looks like. It doesnt match our vision, yet we are both wanting to keep this relationship because we are good for each others lives. (He was really freaked out when I told him if he didnt like it here, he was perfectly free to leave.) So, I guess I explore this as long as my ego lasts. And then, well - I exit, or change it -unless, some miracle occurs and the pheromone thing changes.
cyril's fan Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 However, I KNOW my ego probably wont last through this. So, I guess I explore this as long as my ego lasts. And then, well - I exit, or change it -unless, some miracle occurs and the pheromone thing changes. Are you sure you can really handle this at the end of your ego's ability to last? I'm asking because people usually think they can take it until they actually have to face it.
Bejita463 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Thank you. And yes folks, I actually AM ok with being someones girl who is not my "boy". Monogomy is not really the ditch I fall in and die. Spiritual and emotional monogomy is important to me, sexual monogomy - as long as we are talking safe sex --- thats negotiable. If I were to meet someone who I fancied, I would discuss it first, but --- if it weren't to have a deep and lasting impact on my primary partnership, I doubt it would be an issue. I used to think the same thing back when I had a partner I didn't feel I had a lot of sexual chemistry with. After that was over and I got a partner I did have that spark with, I realized that I was only thinking that because of the lack of spark. I would not have cared what the partner I didn't have the spark for did sexually, but that was not because monogamy was unimportant to me. It was because monogamy with THAT PERSON was unimportant to me. I'm just saying you might want to really consider whether you truly believe what you are saying or not, because I used to say the same thing. I was dead wrong. Its easier I think to find someone to be in love with than it is to find someone you genuinely like and admire.Undoubtedly, but are you settling? Sex alone does not seem to be enough for you. I respect that. If sex is a trivial detail to a relationship at ALL to you, I respect that too. I even understand it, since I used to feel the same way. That is, until I had a partner I felt the same way about sexually as you seem to be describing. With the experience I have, I believe I would (were I you) consider this situation to be something I'd be settling with. I don't think settling is something anyone should have to do. As I read through these posts, I also find it interesting what our culture tells me about love: if it is destined to perfection and happily ever after you should leave: monogomy is the only proof of love: only ONE kind of love is acceptable, and if a man won't promise this specific emotion he is a lying prick. How much do we set our selves up for heartbreak when we are rigid like this? If I agree to these things, of course I MUST split NOW - I think you misunderstood me. I should have explained further, and I have a habit of thinking what I mean is more obvious than it is. I was saying the guy sounded like a prick because it doesn't sound like he loves you at all. To me it sounds like you are a convenience to him, and a convenient piece of booty until he finds something more to his liking. I could be totally wrong, but your descriptions of the situation do not make this guy out to sound like a good guy. So, I guess I explore this as long as my ego lasts. And then, well - I exit, or change it -unless, some miracle occurs and the pheromone thing changes.That you have to worry about your ego at all is partially why I feel this guy is not treating you as well as he could be. This is a valid reason for that rigidity you spoke of earlier. For reference, I am not arguing with you. Just offering my insight. You explain things in a manner that I can relate to, and I don't wish the experience I relate your story to on anyone.
loveslife Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I think, like most people who post here that are involved with Others who aren't in love with them, you're looking for someone to convince you it's okay to stay with him. And like others who post here who are told some cold, hard truths, you're now trying to convince yourself and us that it's okay. But the truth is, if it were okay you would not have been here wondering if it's okay to begin with. Your situation reminds me so much of situations I've been in and those I've seem others in, too. And it never ends happily. This guy might care about you, but he is not IN LOVE with you. And because your last relationship was all passion and little caring you think it's okay. But it's not. And he will crush your heart. Because he's looking and he has your permission. And when he leaves and you're "surprised" and devastated, he will just say, "I told you this could happen." A good man, a caring man, wouldn't be putting you in this situation. He knows you love him more than he loves you. And he knows you're "okay" with him not being in love with you. And he probably enjoys having someone so devoted helping him with his career. But I'd lay good money that if he hasn't already cheated, he will. I think you deserve a man who adores you. And it does exist. He is out there. And if you allow yourself to find him, and not settle for second bast, you will be so happy and content that there will be no questions. But you have no chance for that happiness as long as you're with this jerk. Your friends and family may like the way he treats you, but are they aware of your deal with him? Do they know that you're his girl but he's not your guy? That there is no sexual chemistry and he has told you he does not love you romantically? Tell them that and see how quickly they tell you to dump the guy. See how quickly they assure you that you deserve better.
Bejita463 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I think, like most people who post here that are involved with Others who aren't in love with them, you're looking for someone to convince you it's okay to stay with him. And like others who post here who are told some cold, hard truths, you're now trying to convince yourself and us that it's okay. But the truth is, if it were okay you would not have been here wondering if it's okay to begin with. Your situation reminds me so much of situations I've been in and those I've seem others in, too. And it never ends happily. This guy might care about you, but he is not IN LOVE with you. And because your last relationship was all passion and little caring you think it's okay. But it's not. And he will crush your heart. Because he's looking and he has your permission. And when he leaves and you're "surprised" and devastated, he will just say, "I told you this could happen." A good man, a caring man, wouldn't be putting you in this situation. He knows you love him more than he loves you. And he knows you're "okay" with him not being in love with you. And he probably enjoys having someone so devoted helping him with his career. But I'd lay good money that if he hasn't already cheated, he will. I think you deserve a man who adores you. And it does exist. He is out there. And if you allow yourself to find him, and not settle for second bast, you will be so happy and content that there will be no questions. But you have no chance for that happiness as long as you're with this jerk. Your friends and family may like the way he treats you, but are they aware of your deal with him? Do they know that you're his girl but he's not your guy? That there is no sexual chemistry and he has told you he does not love you romantically? Tell them that and see how quickly they tell you to dump the guy. See how quickly they assure you that you deserve better. If this forum had the "post of the day" feature, I would nominate this one for it. This post, is fantastic.
loveslife Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I really lucked out with a guy I was in love with years ago. He did not feel as strongly for me as I felt for him. He cared a lot but just wasn't in love with me. When it came down to it, he straight up said to me, "I will never feel about you in a way that will make you happy." I was really pissed at him because I didn't want to "lose" him but after that wore off I knew he was right, and wise, and kind. And I've never forgotten. Today he is my best friend. I have long since stopped desiring a romantic relationship with him and am really happy that he did find a woman he adores and they have two lovely children. I don't know what I would have done without him during some hard times I've had. He's priceless to me, like a brother, and I will never give him up. He showed me that it's the jerks who "let you" stay when they know your feelings are not reciprocated.
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