LovieDove24 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I am starting to have feelings for the father of my child again. He and I have been spending a lot of time together over the last few weeks and the love I buried so deep has re-emerged. I'm not the only one acting like feelings are re-emerging either. He flirts, calls me over to watch movies at his house, took me out for breakfast one morning, and surprised me with my fave kind of ice cream today when he dropped off our daughter. All this after nine months of nothing. We haven't spoken about anything more than our daughter since I gave him an ultimatum nine months ago. Anyways, thus far it has all been mostly casual, friendly date-type stuff. Nothing physical. My problem is both yesterday and today he said two really ballsy statements, especially considering all the flirt he's been dishing out. The first ballsy statement was "That blonde girl you work with is really cute, is she single?" and the second was "You were never really my 'type' per se." AND HERE I AM all in la-la lovers land again, seeing some light at the end of the tunnel and he goes and says this s.h.i.t. I believe he says these things for one of two reasons: 1) He truly has no feelings for me or 2) He does have re-surfacing feelings but is covering them up because thats what he does best. He's called the king of poker face. Any first impressions, LS?
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Does no one have anything to add to this?
carhill Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Rubber bands everywhere this morning.... He's doing what works. He knows your emotional pattern and how to enter it. After all, you do have a child together. What do you want here?
Lyssa Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Could be that he did all those things cause you're the mother to his kid? It's hard to say, really. I'm sure you'll have more replies soon...
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Yeah I think I have heard your rubber band theory on here before carhill What do I want? I want him to approach me the RIGHT way. None of this contradictory stuff. I mean why start doing nice things all of a sudden yet still say rude comments? I was discussing this situation with a friend of mine over the phone last night. She had a girl friend who went through a similar song and dance w/the father of her child. Only in her situation, the father of her child always professed he loved her but would do sneaky, cheating things behind her back. My situation is slightly different in the fact that, past has shown me his ACTIONS always say he wants me, BUT his words say another story. And I just posted a copycat thread in the dating forum...getting frustrated over here, sorry. No need to feel obligated to reply to both if you see that one too.
sally4sara Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 He thinks that because you carried his seed, you're an easy pick up during the dry spells of his sex life. That old belief that women cannot say no to the father of their children because all women need the dad to stick around no matter how unreliable or lacking in integrity the he may be. He is hoping the biological ties will prevent him from having to put any work into bedding you again. Since you haven't caved yet, he is trying to bait you with jealousy (the comment about the blonde) and trigger insecurities within you (the comment about you being not really his type). This is all tips given to men on the pick-up artist sites. Don't fall for it. Your kid needs a strong role model in you and falling for this triflin' crap won't help you achieve this. Don't sleep with him; he will take off again. File for child support if you haven't already.
carhill Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Yep, that about sums it up. Sticking him with a nice child support garnishment will keep his d*ck right where it belongs, in his pants. Men are such amateurs at manipulation. I've been taught by the best
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Hey Sally4Sara, Thanks for posting twice As for the child support, he has paid since our daughter was born. No fights there, he never argued it, never asked for paternity or any of that crap. In fact we drew up the agreement mutually between the two of us without any courtroom. It was done legally of course, the paperwork is down at the courthouse, we just didn't duke it out or anything. I need a slap in the face, surely. But I do want to point out he isn't the type of deadbeat dad you may be picturing in your head. Certainly not the Jerry Springer type. And he has never ONCE made an attempt to get in my pants since we split while I was pregnant. He will barely put his arm around me for pictures. He's not the type to make the first move. So it is possible he is waiting for ME to jump his bones by pulling all this reverse psychology as you've suggested, but ahhh, I don't know. Maybe you guys are right.
carhill Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 1) We must have a soul-level relationship. Again hard to explain but I think I tried. 2) Kind hearted and Open minded is a MUST 3) A simple man in dress and want for material things. 4) Loves children 5) Affectionate both physically and verbally 6) Enjoys the outdoors over the TV 7) Is passionate about life 8) Is spiritual and would attend church with me. 9) Laughs at lifes misfortunes and smiles a lot (optimistic) 10) Someone who enjoys the more traditional roles in a marriage: wife stays home with kids, cooks dinner for him when he gets home from work type of thing. 11) Loves giving me surprises (because these are my absolute favorite, especially from a loved one). Does this man meet this criteria? It should sound familiar to you
sally4sara Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Hey Sally4Sara, Thanks for posting twice As for the child support, he has paid since our daughter was born. No fights there, he never argued it, never asked for paternity or any of that crap. In fact we drew up the agreement mutually between the two of us without any courtroom. It was done legally of course, the paperwork is down at the courthouse, we just didn't duke it out or anything. I need a slap in the face, surely. But I do want to point out he isn't the type of deadbeat dad you may be picturing in your head. Certainly not the Jerry Springer type. And he has never ONCE made an attempt to get in my pants since we split while I was pregnant. He will barely put his arm around me for pictures. He's not the type to make the first move. So it is possible he is waiting for ME to jump his bones by pulling all this reverse psychology as you've suggested, but ahhh, I don't know. Maybe you guys are right. I tell everyone to get the child support issues ironed out just in case. He probably IS waiting for you to jump him. That way if it all becomes more involved than he likes he can pin it on you on his way out the door. "I told you you were not my type." or even "I never put a ring on your finger did I?" I don't know the man, but you do. And you've said enough: He plays with your head. Says things that don't add up. Won't act like a couple for pictures (leave no proof!) He has not been involved with you romantically since your pregnancy till just recently and even that is inconsistent. Your kid is a girl so don't make excuses for someone you wouldn't want to see your child make. If the behavior of someone isn't what you would want in a relationship for your kid to have when they grow up, it shouldn't be good enough for you. They will see what you put up with. They will see what you settle for. How will you be able to advise them differently in their adult life if they've seen you settle for crumbs?
Trialbyfire Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I don't think he's done anything yet, to warrant being bashed. Just accept everything he's done so far, as being friendly and nothing more. That you want more, can't be made to be his burden. Until he makes any serious moves with his actions and words synchronized, keep viewing him as nothing more than an ex, who's currently your casual friend.
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Does this man meet this criteria? It should sound familiar to you Aw, crap! I was hoping no one would do their research and check my history! Now you know the truth about me whining over the same crap as a year ago! To answer your question, all but 5 and 6. He is NOT verbally affectionate at all. He has an extremely hard time with words of affirmation. The physical affection IS there...at least it was when we were actually a couple. As for #6, I know he is adventurous, but the TV is on at his house 24/7 I tell everyone to get the child support issues ironed out just in case. He probably IS waiting for you to jump him. That way if it all becomes more involved than he likes he can pin it on you on his way out the door. "I told you you were not my type." or even "I never put a ring on your finger did I?" I don't know the man, but you do. And you've said enough: He plays with your head. Says things that don't add up. Won't act like a couple for pictures (leave no proof!) He has not been involved with you romantically since your pregnancy till just recently and even that is inconsistent. Your kid is a girl so don't make excuses for someone you wouldn't want to see your child make. If the behavior of someone isn't what you would want in a relationship for your kid to have when they grow up, it shouldn't be good enough for you. They will see what you put up with. They will see what you settle for. How will you be able to advise them differently in their adult life if they've seen you settle for crumbs? Right I agree with what you said about him using the "not my type" thing as leverage in the instance he pulls the ol "backaroo" out of his back pocket and runs. I don't think he's done anything yet, to warrant being bashed. Just accept everything he's done so far, as being friendly and nothing more. That you want more, can't be made to be his burden. Until he makes any serious moves with his actions and words synchronized, keep viewing him as nothing more than an ex, who's currently your casual friend. This response, I see as the most accurate depiction of his POV. Im guessing for him, he sees me as a comfortable girl to flirt with, just for fun, nothing more. Adopting a "this isn't serious" attitude until I see lightening bolts is probably the best idea. However, I'm not gonna put up with the flirt anymore, we're gonna hafta stop spending time together...it may be harmless fun for him, but its a complete distraction for me and springboard into "what if" land.
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 However, I'm not gonna put up with the flirt anymore, we're gonna hafta stop spending time together...it may be harmless fun for him, but its a complete distraction for me and springboard into "what if" land.You have every right to take charge of the situation. I would shut it down too, if it bothered me.
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 You have every right to take charge of the situation. I would shut it down too, if it bothered me. It doesn't "bother me" per se...at least not in the sense like a little brother bothers his sister...it just makes my feelings resurface. It only becomes a bother when the feelings are there on both our ends but he isn't willing to pull out the lightening bolts of commitment I believe that is the biggest disparate we have. We like each other, get along with each other, but he's no good for me because he is unwilling to commit.
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 It doesn't "bother me" in the sense that a little brother bothers his sister...it just makes my feelings resurface. It only becomes a bother when the feelings are there but no lightening bolts You're under no obligation to be anything, other than, IMO, a civil co-parent, for the sake of your mutual child. Beyond that, you don't have to take anything further. You also can't hold him responsible for not reciprocating your feelings. He's doing nothing wrong. So, the easiest way to not turn this into more than it is, is to distance yourself, until you get to the point of civil co-parenting.
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