OceanBlue Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 we've been best friends since the age of 14 - we jokingly call each other our "heterosexual life partners". i have a wedding ring from my husband on my left hand and, until recently, a "wedding" ring from her on my right, because we've always looked at this as a kind of marriage - hard work but a committment that's made to last. she's been in a pretty consistent downward spiral for the past 3 years or so; unemployed, terrible relationships with exploitative men, serious depression, heavy drinking. she lost job after job and apartment after apartment to the point where she is now, at the age of 33, living in her high school bedroom in her mother's house. when she moved in there her depression increased tremendously and she wanted help from me, but what she wanted was for me to come over and drink with her in her high school bedroom, like teenagers. i was unwilling to do this, as it seemed like it would only help to keep her in her depression. i offered to let her stay with me as long as she wanted, said we'd go for walks every day and eat well and sit and brainstorm together about how she could pull herself out of her funk - basically i was willing to give her anything she needed as long as it didn't prolong her depression. she got very upset with me and said i was being unsupportive and "trying to be her therapist" (i'm a therapist, so people like to throw this one at me a lot). at that point i took a more hands-off approach and continued to support her from afar but not actively offer help. so a couple of months ago some very, very, very bad stuff went down in my life, and i was utterly devastated - suicidal, unstable, totally without hope. i reached out to her for help and she responded with "i'm sorry you're sad, i'm sad too. i can't deal with your sh*t cause i have sh*t of my own to deal with." at that point we had a row and decided to be apart for awhile. i had felt for a very long time that things were pretty one-sided, that most of our collective energy was focused on her problems and that mine didn't seem to rate. i think she felt that because i am a married woman with a career my problems weren't all that serious or important, compared to her loneliness and lack of direction. and that was annoying but i was willing to put up with it, hoping that with time she'd pull herself together and be able to be a supportive and reciprocating partner again. when my life fell apart and i needed her i assumed that she would be there regardless of her own troubles, as we have always been for each other no matter what. it was a big painful shock that she wasn't. anyway, we spent a couple of weeks apart and when my trauma had stabilized i emailed her just to tell her i love her and i was there for her, that i was back on my feet and hoped she was doing ok with the stuff she was going through. she wrote back and said "i have nothing to say to you, our time together has ended, good luck with your marriage and your life." i am shocked and reeling with loss. i have no idea what happened. i have some theories but they tend toward the clinical and i don't want to collapse a very complex situation into diagnostic data. this woman has been the other half of my soul for two decades, and i can't begin to comprehend what has happened to make her want to throw that away. any advice/insight? thanks. I hate to be so negative, but the part I bolded concerns me. That doesn't sound like a "this friendship is over", but a "my life is over". It sounds suicidal to me. Regardless of any projection theories, the fact is, she is in a depression. That reads to me like she is pushing you away, and potentially absolving you from any responsibility for what she may be planning to do. I have suffered from depression for years, and honestly, what has always stopped me from ever seriously considering suicide are the people that would be left behind. The ones who would be angry that I didn't go to them. The length and strength of your friendsip would probably put you first on that list for her. If she is exploring that route, cutting you out of her life could make it easier for her. Not sure what I would advise. Maybe an email shot back telling her that you still love her and that she can not just write you out of her life with a simple "Good bye and good luck". Maybe a phone call first - then an email if she won't talk to you? Persistence in letting her know that you still care? Take care.
Author dobler33 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I hate to be so negative, but the part I bolded concerns me. That doesn't sound like a "this friendship is over", but a "my life is over". It sounds suicidal to me. Regardless of any projection theories, the fact is, she is in a depression. That reads to me like she is pushing you away, and potentially absolving you from any responsibility for what she may be planning to do. I have suffered from depression for years, and honestly, what has always stopped me from ever seriously considering suicide are the people that would be left behind. The ones who would be angry that I didn't go to them. The length and strength of your friendsip would probably put you first on that list for her. If she is exploring that route, cutting you out of her life could make it easier for her. Not sure what I would advise. Maybe an email shot back telling her that you still love her and that she can not just write you out of her life with a simple "Good bye and good luck". Maybe a phone call first - then an email if she won't talk to you? Persistence in letting her know that you still care? Take care. thanks for your insight and concern, ocean. she was indeed suicidal three years ago and i not only contracted with her but told her that if she didn't start therapy i'd call her mom and we'd have her committed. my senses have been attuned to her suicidality or nonsuicidality for the past 20 years, since we were 14, and that's not what i'm picking up right now. i'm still able to kind of stay aware of what's going on it her life through mutual friends, so i assume that if there were any great danger someone would bring me in regardless of her recent decision. i hope so, at least.
Trimmer Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 And silence speaks volumes..... Care to share just what it speaks to you, and why it makes you LYAO?
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