gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I had 2 situations in my life where I was dating a girl for approx. 2 years, there was a lot of passion, we broke up, stayed friends and eventually she ended up with someone she was not that into (according to their stories). The first one got married to that guy. I was good friends with the first one for a few years after we broke up. I think she wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready at the time. She ended up marrying some guy who she claimed was not the smartest kid on the block, and that she wasn't passionate about him (at the time) but that his life revolved her and he really loved her. Same thing happened with the recent breakup I had, from the little I heard from her after we broke up, she left me for someone that is all about her and that she is not sure how long it will last, that he's not the smartest guy but that he's good for now. Very similar to my first girlfriend actually, they both ended up going out with someone who is the complete opposite of me in character and where there is no passion (during the early stages) according to their stories. Do they eventually fall in love? Do they just give up passion for the 'sure thing'? The reason I am asking is due to my last breakup, unlike the first one, we are right now in NC period but I miss her terribly and during our correspondence right after the breakup she tried to leave some hope out there that we might get together again in the future. Based on my past experience though, she will marry the guy like my old girlfriend. There are many more similarities: they were the same age when we broke up, guys are younger than them, guys are the same age etc. Kind of crazy... the only thin g that's different is that I am older ;-) Any thought? Would LC be better at some point? I really don't want to lose someone that I am passionate about.
lovekillsslowly Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I had 2 situations in my life where I was dating a girl for approx. 2 years, there was a lot of passion, we broke up, stayed friends and eventually she ended up with someone she was not that into (according to their stories). The first one got married to that guy. I was good friends with the first one for a few years after we broke up. I think she wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready at the time. She ended up marrying some guy who she claimed was not the smartest kid on the block, and that she wasn't passionate about him (at the time) but that his life revolved her and he really loved her. Same thing happened with the recent breakup I had, from the little I heard from her after we broke up, she left me for someone that is all about her and that she is not sure how long it will last, that he's not the smartest guy but that he's good for now. Very similar to my first girlfriend actually, they both ended up going out with someone who is the complete opposite of me in character and where there is no passion (during the early stages) according to their stories. Do they eventually fall in love? Do they just give up passion for the 'sure thing'? The reason I am asking is due to my last breakup, unlike the first one, we are right now in NC period but I miss her terribly and during our correspondence right after the breakup she tried to leave some hope out there that we might get together again in the future. Based on my past experience though, she will marry the guy like my old girlfriend. There are many more similarities: they were the same age when we broke up, guys are younger than them, guys are the same age etc. Kind of crazy... the only thin g that's different is that I am older ;-) Any thought? Would LC be better at some point? I really don't want to lose someone that I am passionate about. Hi Gorgio, Ok here is my personal experience for what it's worth. I dated a guy for 5 1/2 years. We had passion but he was a loser. A very bad person. I won't even go into all the details but I finally wisened up and dumped his sorry a**. Then I met my current husband. He was a nice guy. He could give me everything that I wanted. He wouldn't cheat on me. He would be a great husband. He was a hard worker. But most importantly he truly loved / loves me. However the passion was never that great. Nothing like it was with the first guy I was seriously invovled in. But after dating a jerk for 5 1/2 years I wasn't about to risk screwing up again. So I "settled". Yes, that's right. I "settled" for Mr. Nice Guy. I did the "right" thing. We have two children together and we have been married for almost 21 years. And last year I got invovled in an A with a MM who was a friend of mine. We had wanted each other for seven years but did nothing with each other because we were trying to be loyal to our marriages and our spouses. We even quit all communication with each other for 2 years. No talking to each other...no e-mails. Well it didn't work and eventually we gave into temptation. The A lasted for 10 months and the MM ended it due to stress and guilt. I know what I did was wrong. I know I was selfish and that I'm leading a life of lies in regards to my husband and my kids. But let me tell you...the passion between the MM and I was indescribable. The best I've ever had. I've never experienced anything like it. It was the stuff that love stories and romance movies are made of. So in regards to your 2 questions....do they eventually fall in love? From my personal experience... No. For whatever reason they settled. I don't know why they did...all I know is why I did. Do they just give up passion for the sure thing? From my personal experience....Yep. And you keep hoping it will get better...that you will be able to learn to live without that passion that you had in your past...but guess what....it doesn't happen. I have several girl friends who have experienced the same thing that I have in regards to falling for the "wrong guy" as your "first love" and then settleing for the "right guy" because you don't ever want to go through the hell that you went through with Mr. Wrong again. And you convince yourself that there are more jerks in the world than nice guys and if you finally got it right the second time around you better jump on that because the next one could be another loser. But in the end all settleing gets you is misery....and misery makes you do things that you never, ever, ever, thought you would do to yourself and your family members. Hope this helps. Good luck.
Author gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 lovekillsslowly: thanks for your reply. I am not a loser, am actually a very goal oriented person and have a lot going on in my life (hobbies, businesses etc). I think that both girls I was with required more attention and I was busy with my stuff. I never wanted to commit, guess I wasn't ready but things have changed this year since I have made a decision to change my life. By the time I made my decision it was too late. All I can do is hope that our paths will cross again since I really think in other circumstances we would have ended up marrying each other and we would have best of both worlds, the passion and the relationship. From your past experience, would it be wise to stay in touch with this girl? I don't know if I can last 7 years, but maybe if she knows I am there she will give it another chance... or am I 'labeled' the bad guy for good? Hi Gorgio, Ok here is my personal experience for what it's worth. I dated a guy for 5 1/2 years. We had passion but he was a loser. A very bad person. I won't even go into all the details but I finally wisened up and dumped his sorry a**. Then I met my current husband. He was a nice guy. He could give me everything that I wanted. He wouldn't cheat on me. He would be a great husband. He was a hard worker. But most importantly he truly loved / loves me. However the passion was never that great. Nothing like it was with the first guy I was seriously invovled in. But after dating a jerk for 5 1/2 years I wasn't about to risk screwing up again. So I "settled". Yes, that's right. I "settled" for Mr. Nice Guy. I did the "right" thing. We have two children together and we have been married for almost 21 years. And last year I got invovled in an A with a MM who was a friend of mine. We had wanted each other for seven years but did nothing with each other because we were trying to be loyal to our marriages and our spouses. We even quit all communication with each other for 2 years. No talking to each other...no e-mails. Well it didn't work and eventually we gave into temptation. The A lasted for 10 months and the MM ended it due to stress and guilt. I know what I did was wrong. I know I was selfish and that I'm leading a life of lies in regards to my husband and my kids. But let me tell you...the passion between the MM and I was indescribable. The best I've ever had. I've never experienced anything like it. It was the stuff that love stories and romance movies are made of. So in regards to your 2 questions....do they eventually fall in love? From my personal experience... No. For whatever reason they settled. I don't know why they did...all I know is why I did. Do they just give up passion for the sure thing? From my personal experience....Yep. And you keep hoping it will get better...that you will be able to learn to live without that passion that you had in your past...but guess what....it doesn't happen. I have several girl friends who have experienced the same thing that I have in regards to falling for the "wrong guy" as your "first love" and then settleing for the "right guy" because you don't ever want to go through the hell that you went through with Mr. Wrong again. And you convince yourself that there are more jerks in the world than nice guys and if you finally got it right the second time around you better jump on that because the next one could be another loser. But in the end all settleing gets you is misery....and misery makes you do things that you never, ever, ever, thought you would do to yourself and your family members. Hope this helps. Good luck.
HisSweetThing Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 And last year I got invovled in an A with a MM who was a friend of mine. We had wanted each other for seven years but did nothing with each other because we were trying to be loyal to our marriages and our spouses. We even quit all communication with each other for 2 years. No talking to each other...no e-mails. Well it didn't work and eventually we gave into temptation. The A lasted for 10 months and the MM ended it due to stress and guilt. I know what I did was wrong. I know I was selfish and that I'm leading a life of lies in regards to my husband and my kids. But let me tell you...the passion between the MM and I was indescribable. The best I've ever had. I've never experienced anything like it. It was the stuff that love stories and romance movies are made of. So in regards to your 2 questions....do they eventually fall in love? From my personal experience... No. For whatever reason they settled. I don't know why they did...all I know is why I did. Do they just give up passion for the sure thing? From my personal experience....Yep. And you keep hoping it will get better...that you will be able to learn to live without that passion that you had in your past...but guess what....it doesn't happen. But in the end all settleing gets you is misery....and misery makes you do things that you never, ever, ever, thought you would do to yourself and your family members. Wow! I didn't realize that your story was so similar to mine! I'm still hoping for my MM though. I agree with LKS.
lovekillsslowly Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 lovekillsslowly: thanks for your reply. I am not a loser, am actually a very goal oriented person and have a lot going on in my life (hobbies, businesses etc). I think that both girls I was with required more attention and I was busy with my stuff. I never wanted to commit, guess I wasn't ready but things have changed this year since I have made a decision to change my life. By the time I made my decision it was too late. All I can do is hope that our paths will cross again since I really think in other circumstances we would have ended up marrying each other and we would have best of both worlds, the passion and the relationship. From your past experience, would it be wise to stay in touch with this girl? I don't know if I can last 7 years, but maybe if she knows I am there she will give it another chance... or am I 'labeled' the bad guy for good? Gorgio, I never implied that you were a loser and I apologize if that is how you interpeted my post. What I posted is from my own personal experience. I have no idea if you have been 'labeled' the bad guy or not by your past girlfriend(s). I truly believe in my heart of hearts that it is better to do something, say something and know the outcome whether that be good or bad than to spend the rest of your life wondering what could of or would of happen. With that said if I was in your shoes I would let her know how you feel and then the rest is up to her. At least then you will know. There will be no more wondering. No more thinking "if only...." I hope you get what you are hoping for! I wish you the best!
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Based on their choices to leave you and find other men, for whatever reason, they preferred these guys to you. They did a cost/benefit analysis, and while you may have had more value in some areas, overall, as they saw it, the other guy was preferable. It's really pretty cut and dried, they made tradeoffs and you were less valuable to them overall. As for the continued contact and the assertions the the other guys were deficient as compared to you in other areas, it may be that they want you as a backup plan. How does that sit with you? You deserve better.
lovekillsslowly Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Wow! I didn't realize that your story was so similar to mine! I'm still hoping for my MM though. I agree with LKS. HST, Well I hope that everything works out the way you want it too! As for me....I'm going to just sit back and let my xMM make any future moves. If he wants to call me he's got my number. If he wants to e-mail me he's got my personal e-mail address. If not, then I guess we won't ever talk again and I will be alright and grateful for what we did have together if only for a brief while. I have no regrets. I would re-do those 10 months again in a heartbeat without a moment's hesitation. They were everything that I dreamed of for 7 years that they would be and more. Reality with him surpassed every fantasy that I had ever had for him and I together. Thank goodness for LS and close friends in life. It helps to know that you're not alone and other women can relate to everything you are going through and have also been in very similar situations. Love....
OldEurope Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 lovekillsslowly: thanks for your reply. I am not a loser, am actually a very goal oriented person and have a lot going on in my life (hobbies, businesses etc). I think that both girls I was with required more attention and I was busy with my stuff. I never wanted to commit, guess I wasn't ready but things have changed this year since I have made a decision to change my life. By the time I made my decision it was too late. All I can do is hope that our paths will cross again since I really think in other circumstances we would have ended up marrying each other and we would have best of both worlds, the passion and the relationship. From your past experience, would it be wise to stay in touch with this girl? I don't know if I can last 7 years, but maybe if she knows I am there she will give it another chance... or am I 'labeled' the bad guy for good? The above is the goal. I truly believe it does not have to be "one" or "the other". People need to have adoration, trust, security, etc. But life also needs the butterflies in the stomach, the waiting-and-wondering, the devil-in-his eyes...All of it.. My solution: never get toooooo comfortable, have your own separate spaces, keep life in its place ("bills, socks, laundry" and everything people nag about) and use humor as a weapon (not always possible I know). I cannot imagine a life without passion and many people to my mind underrate its importance. It is the fundamental energy of life. To the OP, rather than wishing paths to cross again, why not send out a signal (a well composed letter) to just state your feelings: i.e., that years ago you were not ready but now you have a different perspective. MOST women really do want to see a "step" from the man, before they let their own feelings show OE
Author gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 To the OP, rather than wishing paths to cross again, why not send out a signal (a well composed letter) to just state your feelings: i.e., that years ago you were not ready but now you have a different perspective. MOST women really do want to see a "step" from the man, before they let their own feelings show I already did that, she left him for me and then went back to him again. She said she was scared and not ready. She knows my feelings but I never had the chance to back them up with action.
tami-chan Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I had 2 situations in my life where I was dating a girl for approx. 2 years, there was a lot of passion, we broke up, stayed friends and eventually she ended up with someone she was not that into (according to their stories). The first one got married to that guy. I was good friends with the first one for a few years after we broke up. I think she wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready at the time. She ended up marrying some guy who she claimed was not the smartest kid on the block, and that she wasn't passionate about him (at the time) but that his life revolved her and he really loved her. Same thing happened with the recent breakup I had, from the little I heard from her after we broke up, she left me for someone that is all about her and that she is not sure how long it will last, that he's not the smartest guy but that he's good for now. Very similar to my first girlfriend actually, they both ended up going out with someone who is the complete opposite of me in character and where there is no passion (during the early stages) according to their stories. Do they eventually fall in love? Do they just give up passion for the 'sure thing'? The reason I am asking is due to my last breakup, unlike the first one, we are right now in NC period but I miss her terribly and during our correspondence right after the breakup she tried to leave some hope out there that we might get together again in the future. Based on my past experience though, she will marry the guy like my old girlfriend. There are many more similarities: they were the same age when we broke up, guys are younger than them, guys are the same age etc. Kind of crazy... the only thin g that's different is that I am older ;-) Any thought? Would LC be better at some point? I really don't want to lose someone that I am passionate about. 1) they might just be saying it to you in the belief that them marrying other people less than you, or less than how they felt about you,won't hurt you too much. 2)yes, people can learn to love each other. In cultures where arrange marriages still are practiced we see a lot of couple falling in love, after the fact.
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