Cora Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 The new guy I have been posting about on here wants to see me this weekend. I have decided to have the talk with him then about how he views me and where he sees this going. I made the mistake of sleeping with him the first night and ever since have been worried that he has already put me into the FWB category. I figured I could get past this but it is still bothering me so I have to know. I in no way want to scare him off by him thinking this conversation is about me wanting to become serious with him. I enjoy dating and just getting to know him better so that is fine for now. How do I bring up this conversation without him thinking I want something more? I just want to make it clear to him that I am not all about sex if that is what he is thinking. I just want to know if this is as far as this relationship is ever going to go with him so I wont be wasting my time any longer if that's is in fact what I'm doing. I know many of you have given me advice before on this that he has in fact already put me in this category which is why I'm about to find out for sure from him. He made the comment last night that he misses me and how he can't wait to see me this weekend. I couldn't help but think he only misses the sex and not ME. I don't want that type of relationship if that is what he is after. So what do I say to him? How do I bring this up? Any advice? I am choosing to tell him in person so that I can see his reaction and be able to tell better if he is giving me a straight answer or not. I am however scared to death! I am not good with words and I guess I'm just really afraid of the answer he is going to give me. Deep down I know that the answer could and may very well be what I am dreading. I know I gotta get this over with or It's just going to keep bothering me. It's just hard because I got too attached to him already and I really enjoy spending time with him. Any advice is much appreciated!!
Trialbyfire Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I wouldn't bring it up unless he starts pushing for sex and you're not willing.
BCCA Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Casually, let him know that youre interested in pursuing some sort of meaningful relationship, you dig him, and youre hoping he feels the same way. Then ask him what he thinks. His answer will tell you everything you need to know. As for how/when, just wait until youre having a good conversation, sharing a few laughs, and the mood is light. Make sure you bring this up before doing anything sexual though, because if you wait until afterward, you cant really take what he says at face value. We guys say a lot we dont mean after we just got laid. Good luck, you can do it! Just remember, answers are always good, even if they arent the ones you want
BCCA Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I wouldn't bring it up unless he starts pushing for sex and you're not willing. I just feel by doing that, youre just delaying the inevitable.
Trialbyfire Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I just feel by doing that, youre just delaying the inevitable.I don't know the backstory to this but it's kind of assumptive to bring it up, if he doesn't pursue sex on this date.
BCCA Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I don't know the backstory to this but it's kind of assumptive to bring it up, if he doesn't pursue sex on this date. Good point, and I tend to agree.
Author Cora Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Thanks for all the advice so far! So I should really only bring it up if he hints toward sex? I admit that it would indeed be a bit awkward if I just brought it up out of the blue. I do however want to know this early on before I get even more involved with him. Like you said BCCA....I don't want to bring it up in the heat of the moment either when he will pretty much tell me any and everything I want to hear.
BCCA Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Thanks for all the advice so far! So I should really only bring it up if he hints toward sex? I admit that it would indeed be a bit awkward if I just brought it up out of the blue. I do however want to know this early on before I get even more involved with him. Like you said BCCA....I don't want to bring it up in the heat of the moment either when he will pretty much tell me any and everything I want to hear. If it was me, I would just tell myself that some time during the night I was going to bring it up, and then kind of wait for the right moment. I dont know if I would personally waiting until hes trying to get you naked, not only would he say whatever it took, he might think youre holding it over his head before you give in. I would just tell him how you feel, and ask if he feels the same way.
Author Cora Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 If it was me, I would just tell myself that some time during the night I was going to bring it up, and then kind of wait for the right moment. I dont know if I would personally waiting until hes trying to get you naked, not only would he say whatever it took, he might think youre holding it over his head before you give in. I would just tell him how you feel, and ask if he feels the same way. Thank you....Yeah, I'm going to bring it up to him this weekend regardless. I have held off far too long now and it is just going to keep eating away at me if I don't get it off my chest. I think I'm just going to kind of casually ask him what he wants and where he feels this is going? I know when I first met him I asked him straight out if he was the type just to "hookup" because that's not what I'm after? Well I put it a bit more politely than that. Anyway, his response was "I don't just hookup and I'm trying to find a girl who is right for me." I took him for his word then but it doesn't hurt to ask how he feels now right? So I'm just going to try to bring it up as casually as possible. I'm gonna pray that I get over these nerves as well so I can actually get the words out to tell him lol. Thanks again!
DarkestDreams Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Well Cora, correct me if I'm wrong, but this weekend will be the first date since you stopped initiating contact and he's been texting you more, right? I remember something about you asking him if he wants to know you better and he said he would, but he's too busy with work and whatnot. I say go on the date, don't do anything sexually and just try to have a good time without bringing up the subject. Feel him out. If this guy is coming around, maybe the conversation regarding "where this is going" is going to put him off even more, no matter how "casual" you try to phrase it. If everything goes well, you can ask him on the next date...But if the uncertainty is driving you crazy, you got some good advice from the other posters The whole FWB situation...I don't know, it could come off that way, but then again he was your first and he knows it! I think that has a certain impact on the whole equation, one way or another.
Author Cora Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Well Cora, correct me if I'm wrong, but this weekend will be the first date since you stopped initiating contact and he's been texting you more, right? I remember something about you asking him if he wants to know you better and he said he would, but he's too busy with work and whatnot. I say go on the date, don't do anything sexually and just try to have a good time without bringing up the subject. Feel him out. If this guy is coming around, maybe the conversation regarding "where this is going" is going to put him off even more, no matter how "casual" you try to phrase it. If everything goes well, you can ask him on the next date...But if the uncertainty is driving you crazy, you got some good advice from the other posters The whole FWB situation...I don't know, it could come off that way, but then again he was your first and he knows it! I think that has a certain impact on the whole equation, one way or another. You are correct. He is definitely more talkative now. I do plan on feeling him out first. One way or another I'm going to ask him soon about this before it drives me crazy but I do like your point about seeing how this date goes first. If he does not push for sex at all then there may not be a problem. I don't want to push him away like I think I did the first time I had the whole are you interested in getting to know me better convo. Yeah, like I said before he was my first and he knows this. That could def have an effect on the situation. I guess what it comes down to is I really just want to know if either I'm already in a FWB situation or if it's headed that way and how to avoid it? Either way I want to make things clear to him so he does not get the wrong idea. Thanks for your input! There is a lot to consider here.
Calyapae Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I'm in a similar situation, in that I am trying to work out the right moment to have this exact same conversation! I have been trying to come out with it for a couple of weeks now, but I always bottle it to enjoy the time together instead as I am afraid I'll push him away. The next time I see him though, I think I'll make more of an effort to approach it, as there comes a stage where it is definitely important to know where you stand. If I were you, I would certainly not have it when he hints/initiates sex, as that is the worst possible moment! Not only will he be caught off guard, he would probably think that you won't have sex with him until he's said what you want to hear, and at this point, he will certainly just be thinking about you in a sexual way! Best to say it when the atmosphere is intimate, so you feel like you are both comfortable together, but not sexual in any way. Good Luck! Let us know how it goes.
dunstable Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I just want to make it clear to him that I am not all about sex if that is what he is thinking. I just want to know if this is as far as this relationship is ever going to go with him so I wont be wasting my time any longer if that's is in fact what I'm doing. You just have to have the courage to say exactly the above to him and see how he responds. You have nothing to lose.
Chocolat Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I don't recommend having the conversation. I understand you want to *know* what is going on, but it is too soon for this sort of conversation. Besides, it's not likely he is going to say, "I just want sex so if you're not interested, then it's off." He will more likely give you some sort of vague response, which you will not be able to interpret correctly (is he dodging the fact that he just wants sex? Or is he genuinely shy/flustered by my question?). Either way, you are not going to end up with a more definitive understanding than the one you have now, but you are far more likely to send him back to his cave (this girl is a lot of work! No matter what we do, she wants something different!). Behave as you want to be treated and see what he says/does.
Intricategirl Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Well, I don't necessarily recommend this approach for anyone else... I'm in a similar situation, and I've decided how I'm going to handle it. I'm afraid that it's become really nothing more than hookups with the guy I'm seeing. I'd love to actually date him and get to know him more, but if he's not in that place with me, then I can't really force it. So, after I realized that, I had to decide whether I was okay with the situation as it was. And the answer is, not really. I've got a lot going on, and I've got one really good night each week for hanging out with friends, dating, and working on some hobbies that are starting to take off. So why am I setting it aside for something this casual?? Next time we're together, I'm going to tell him that our time together is probably going to get a little more infrequent, and it's definitely moving to a different day. I'm going to tell him that it seems very casual between us, and that's my best time for friends and dating. So if he wants to stay FWB, fine. Shoot me a text Thursday night or something. If he wants to just completely break it off, I suppose that's fine too. But if he stops and says, "Wait a minute... is that how you think of this??" I'll be able to explain why I feel like that, and he'll have the opportunity to decide what he wants to do about it. The reason I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to anyone else is if you're going to let someone else kind of make the decision, you'd better be comfortable with any of the answers they give. Really, TRULY comfortable, and not just saying you are. For me, if he breaks it off, I had fun, but now it's time to meet somebody else and learn from my mistakes. If he wants to continue the way it is, I'm still having fun, and if I start seeing someone else, then he suddenly becomes unnecessary. But if he decides to date, then I get to date a guy that I already do enjoy spending time with, and though I'll have to teach him how I want to be dated, that's fairly easy. And I'm not doing it to play games or issue ultimatums with him. It's just the most honest way of dealing with it that I can think of.
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