Should I get my ring back? Fiance called a break.. 2 months so far..=(

[Martian536]

Hi.. My fiance of 8 years left me blindsided and moved out after living together for 6 years... we got engaged in January, went on a eurotrip... until we had our first major fight in April.. I honestly blame myself for the way I've treated her because ive been poisoned with jealousy and insecurity about her from something in the beginning of our relationship (i guess when they say first impressions last a lifetime, they obviously do..).. I became emotionally unstable and whenever I felt down, I would open up painful memories of when we first met (she basically gave up her virginity to some dude that she had a fling with before me... she left her hometown and met me, we had something going on already past the friendship level all the way to 3rd base (almost full intimacy because I respected her decision to wait till she was ready) and i was head over heels for her.. i dropped her off to the airport a few weeks later on her way back home).. it wasn't until we first got intimate, i recalled asking her about her virginity and she told the truth that she had given it up when she went off for the weekend.. i don't remember if i really asked her or if she just had to tell me.. right at the heat of the moment.. it was devasting but at the same time i was getting intimate with her.. this is the first girl who ever did something like this to me and she wasn't even with the guy or ever goign to see him again so i felt like 2nd place at that time never realizing i would be with this girl for the next 8 years.. and then a few months later, I asked her politely to stop talking to some other guy she messed around with on instant messenger, she removed his name and then I noticed her account a few weeks later and the guy's name is back on... that right there severely broke my trust because it made it seem like she wasn't truly sorry for what she did initially... but I guess I thought I could live with it...).. fast forward 8 years later, she's been really loyal and learned from her mistakes but whenever anything reminds me of affairs or if I ever get depressed and feel like she's about to leave me (such as me losing my job, etc..), the painful past comes up and gets me angry and i lash at her... she's put up with it so many times and always swept it under the rug until this last fight, she left to work in the morning and never returned... she signed lease to her own apartment and has been gone for 2 months... i realized what ive done and i wish i saw this coming.. i was always blaming my insecurities on her when i knew that was wrong... however, i didn't realize she held so much resentment to walk out on me on the 1st fight after we got engaged.. i realized she probably was emotionally withdrawn months before that.. i even asked her "why did you even say yes to marry me if you were on the edge already?"..

 

i feel like i shattered her and caused so much anger and resentment in her... i let her go, i was panicing during the first week.. i emailed her a few times and said sorry..but then i realized it wasn't doing anything..

 

so its been 2 months that she left.. i saw her for 5 minutes on the 3rd week because she wanted to tell me in person that she was getting her own place.. and then she would email me periodically strictly about business (transferring utility bills, etc..)..

 

so its only been about 3 weeks of absolute no contact now.. the last we spoke was online, she said she was going to get the rest of her stuff out and wanted me out of the house while she did that.. i asked her if anything has changed and she said she didn't know and just needed time.. she even wanted to officially break it off with me and give me the ring back because she felt like she was stringing me along.. i told her that was her choice.. if she had the strength to dump me fully, then do it.. she couldn't... so we left it at that..

 

now what im concerned is, is it best for me to get my ring back and call it a full on breakup?? i really love this girl and im truly remorseful but she's so hurt and angry that and she doens't know how long its going to take for her to call me back.. ive been initiating some therapy on my jealousy issues and learning how to be less codependent on her for my self confidence.. its just ive been going thru so much lately and i never realized i would be this stressed out.. she left me at the absolute lowest point in my life ever...

 

now its so hard to continue my job search while im wondering if she'll ever come back into my life.. this is the girl i asked to marry and she said yes...

 

im trying my best to be patient and do no contact.. anyway, i went partyign with my guy friends and my friends posted up pictures on facebook, and her sister (who i keep in touch with once in awhile) told me that she saw a pic of me sitting next to and talking to some girl.. she was freaking out at that when it wasn't a big deal.. i can't hold my life back and not talk to females (its not like im trying to move on or anything.. just having my fun and getting my mind off her).. if anything, im more worried about her since she's been hanging around with single women.. and one girl in particular just had a divorce after a year and she seemed like a promiscuous girl.. i get so worried that these girls would brainwash her to think the grass is greener on the other side and if she messes up, i don't think i can take her back becuase it would haunt me all over again about her putting me on the back burner...

[Martian536]

forgot to mention that she could not agree to how long this break would be (which sucks for me) but i did tell that i hope we remain exclusive (especially since she still wears the ring on her finger).. and i also told her that "once it crosses your mind that ive become an option to you, then do me the favor and break it off completely)... another thing that worries me is that i hope she's not having a late 20s crisis.. im her first actual boyfriend and her first love (hopefully thats a good thing?)..but at the same time, all she knew is me and im her 2nd intimate partner after her losing it to that 1st guy (bad thing.. cuz she knows how it feels like to be with other men..but could also be good because soemtiems if all they know is you, then they have temptations to want to have other men as well..).. anyway, her sister says not to worry about her testing the waters during this break... i understand her need for space to get away from me being so emotionally overbearing... im willing to give her 3-5 months to decide or else im going to have to put some closure and ask for my ring back and move on with my life... i just hope this break doesn't leave any of us vulnerable to temptation or anything stupid that could break us completely.. we have a big set of mutual friends who never believed this would happen to us.. we were like the perfect couple to them.. sometimes i wish i married her alot sooner (but i guess we had to push each other thru college and i probably had commitment issues becuase of my lack of trust).. but if i married her sooner, then she would have a stronger foundation to hold onto but now it sucks becuase now she's questioning if she wants to proceed forth with marriage with me.. we already chose the date and the place and we were already on the verge of sending out our announcements.. thank god we didn't...

[CaliGuy]

That's a lot to read, but honestly if she called it off and it's been 2 months, get your ring back and move on with your life.

 

Sounds simplistic but that's what you need to do.

[BearPower]

yeah bro, 5 year engagement ended here. you and me have some similar issues too.

Get your ring back, and go NC on her a$$

 

YOU use those 3-5 months to work on your issues and move on as best you can.

Dont be her puppet, she is using you to grow herself.

[LucreziaBorgia]

is it best for me to get my ring back and call it a full on breakup??

 

Absolutely. There is no reason to drag this out any further.

[Trialbyfire]

I would end it. It's gone on for long enough.

 

As for the ring, it's best to check the laws of your state, as to whom the ring belongs to, especially if you gave it to her on a gift-giving day, like Christmas, B-day, V-Day, etc.

[Martian536]

Absolutely. There is no reason to drag this out any further.

 

wow.. even if we both understood it was a break for space (she was never a fighter and couldn't deal with my anger)? im sorry if im being stubborn but i made her live 8 years of misery by not giving her my full on trust and forgiveness when she deserved it and worked hard for it, the least i can do is wait a few months?... ive seen some couples take up to 5-6 months and reconciled and were stronger than ever.. but no longer than that.. Technically my no contact is only about 3 weeks.. but haven't seen her for "close to" 2 months.. i hated it because she would initiate contact via email or text to take care of "business only" and i was trying my best to move on but she would always contact me because she left her stuff at my house or she needed to transfer over the bills to my name, etc..

 

I'm going to give it a full 3 months (its actually 8 weeks next tuesday so thats not even 60 days yet.. more like 56..) and then I'm definately going to ask for my ring back... Im only giving her the benefit of the doubt because I take blame for the anger and resentment I put in her.. her sister even said she's almost ready to talk to me and she's starting to feel lonely.. the thing that pisses me off is she said "i need to get over this lonely feeling first before I get back with him becuase I don't want to get back for the wrong reasons.." .. I find that hard to swallow though because she obviously seems like she's waiting to get over me and love her independence... that means this wait can drag on too long... or on the other side, she just wants us to both learn how to be independent of each other's happiness... because i became codependent on her lately and she also realizes for herself that she lost herself from walking on eggshells around me all the time... she's a really smart woman and she's always done so much for me throughout our relationship... she basically lost herself trying to be the one for me but i failed to appreciate her enough... i really realized my mistake to push her away... but yea, the confusion is that we're engaged and she has my ring and she still wears it (is that a good sign?).. i hate false hope but i guess every situation is different and only i know how much faith i can put in this woman to come back... gosh this sucks...

 

another scary thing is that when she was little, her mom left her biological dad (i guess the dad cheated on her) and her mom had the strength to leave to a different state and end up with her stepdad, whom she has 3 younger half-sisters with... so i hope her childhood memory doesn't repeat itself with me... i didn't cheat on her or anything but i understood i was a bit emotionally abusive with her lately..

[Martian536]

*update* .. wow.. this girl contacted me via facebook chat for the first time.. she just said thanks for helping her sister out with her guy problems as well... hope she's just not trying to keep me on the back burner.. but she seemed pretty sincere in her chat... i kept my cool composure and sounded like im super happy that she's not with me.. we didn't talk about the relationship at all which is good.. basically, i have more time for myself and im the type of guy who probably needed the space more than she did.... so anyway, we chat a bit, kept everything casual and then i ended it.. no i love yous or anything but i said i had to go... gotta keep myself mysterious from here on... i guess i won't talk to her unless she talks to me and until shes serious that shes ready to be back together and finally invite me over to her new apt...

[BackonTrack2]

its over for you.

i feel sorry for you.

[mark982]

dude, it's over.BUT don't let her in the house to get her stuff w/out you being there,have a couple buddies w/ you.don't wanna get ripped of do you?

[Martian536]

wow.. u definately gotta take the advice u get on internet forums with a grain of salt.. im not sure why all of you say its over... the sister just told me she was planning on slowly bringing me back into her life next week.. she was going to ask me out on a date... so i dunno.. but yeah, i guess its just best to move on instead of being hopeless..

[CaliGuy]

wow.. u definately gotta take the advice u get on internet forums with a grain of salt.. im not sure why all of you say its over... the sister just told me she was planning on slowly bringing me back into her life next week.. she was going to ask me out on a date... so i dunno.. but yeah, i guess its just best to move on instead of being hopeless..

 

The fat lady hasn't sung yet my friend....

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess seeing it from an objective POV, I see it as insulting. If someone dumped me off with a "space" line, cut me off for a month, demoted a LTR down to a "date", and then insinuated that the only way they would want me back is if it were "slowly" then I'd have to dump them off and find someone who was a little less "unsure".

 

I hate being put in the position of being someone who isn't worth more than "unsure". I suppose when you are in love though, and infuse it with hope it seems more like a light at the end of the tunnel, but from where I am it looks like a train a'comin down that tunnel.

 

Just don't let go of what is left of your heart too soon.

[Martian536]

YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT.. this stupid dinner date that she initiated was false hope.. I went there all groomed expecting soemthing positive until I noticed the ring wasn't on her finger and then she dropped the bomb on me... her 2 month BREAK did nothing to her but make her become more distant.. she's been partying like crazy (drinking excessively every weekend) and hanging out with single ladies.. she basically didn't use it as she promised.. i did alot of reflecting.. our mutual friends would say that she was hoping to take things slow.. and guess what,

 

the day Michael Jackson died is the day she gave me back the ring.. She said her being engaged to me while she was apart didn't allow her to really disconnect from me and see if she can be fully happy on her own.. the same crap excuse they always give.. "its not you, its me.. i need to be happy on my own..".. she said she was willing to risk losing me forever if i didn't take her back.. becuase the damage she's doing is done... she runs away from her problems and seeks advice from other single miserable women who have had their own relationship drama....

 

and she said in the 8 years she doesn't know if she was really happy.. she felt we were codependent and she said she was busy making me happy but not making herself happy..

 

by her pictures on her facebook, she seems to be going thru a negative change.. she's just dressing up provocatively, going out drinking alot, meeting new dudes... i feel like my jealousy-anger really made her lose her identity and i ask god to forgive me for that.. i hope she finds her true happiness after all this settles...

 

i will move on.. its going to take alot of tiem.. i guess her so called BREAK didn't really give us the disconnection that we really need to see if we're truly can't live without each other.. she called the shots and made it worse for me by stringing me along and re-inflicting the wounds i felt when she moved out 2 months ago... how heartless..

[NopeNah]

Remove her from your facebook contacts

[Martian536]

Yup.. deleted her account off my friends... took off all our pics together.. changed my status (and announced it to the whole world for a few hours.. then I took it down cuz I don't want to spread so much negativity to our mutual friends but word is going to go around fast..).. alot of friends and family are going to be hurt becuase we had our friends and families already intertwined soo deeply... she started this whole game by calling a break, changing her passwords to her accounts which we shared... so now im giving her a taste of her own medicine.. i pray to god she heals... this vicious cycle of anger is so evil.. she hurt me in the beginning and i never knew how to forgive and forget.. then she left and hurt me back 10x.. i will pray for both of us everyday...

[ON MY OWN]

Hi.. My fiance of 8 years left me blindsided and moved out after living together for 6 years... we got engaged in January, went on a eurotrip... until we had our first major fight in April.. I honestly blame myself for the way I've treated her because ive been poisoned with jealousy and insecurity about her from something in the beginning of our relationship (i guess when they say first impressions last a lifetime, they obviously do..).. I became emotionally unstable and whenever I felt down, I would open up painful memories of when we first met (she basically gave up her virginity to some dude that she had a fling with before me... she left her hometown and met me, we had something going on already past the friendship level all the way to 3rd base (almost full intimacy because I respected her decision to wait till she was ready) and i was head over heels for her.. i dropped her off to the airport a few weeks later on her way back home).. it wasn't until we first got intimate, i recalled asking her about her virginity and she told the truth that she had given it up when she went off for the weekend.. i don't remember if i really asked her or if she just had to tell me.. right at the heat of the moment.. it was devasting but at the same time i was getting intimate with her.. this is the first girl who ever did something like this to me and she wasn't even with the guy or ever goign to see him again so i felt like 2nd place at that time never realizing i would be with this girl for the next 8 years.. and then a few months later, I asked her politely to stop talking to some other guy she messed around with on instant messenger, she removed his name and then I noticed her account a few weeks later and the guy's name is back on... that right there severely broke my trust because it made it seem like she wasn't truly sorry for what she did initially... but I guess I thought I could live with it...).. fast forward 8 years later, she's been really loyal and learned from her mistakes but whenever anything reminds me of affairs or if I ever get depressed and feel like she's about to leave me (such as me losing my job, etc..), the painful past comes up and gets me angry and i lash at her... she's put up with it so many times and always swept it under the rug until this last fight, she left to work in the morning and never returned... she signed lease to her own apartment and has been gone for 2 months... i realized what ive done and i wish i saw this coming.. i was always blaming my insecurities on her when i knew that was wrong... however, i didn't realize she held so much resentment to walk out on me on the 1st fight after we got engaged.. i realized she probably was emotionally withdrawn months before that.. i even asked her "why did you even say yes to marry me if you were on the edge already?"..

 

i feel like i shattered her and caused so much anger and resentment in her... i let her go, i was panicing during the first week.. i emailed her a few times and said sorry..but then i realized it wasn't doing anything..

 

so its been 2 months that she left.. i saw her for 5 minutes on the 3rd week because she wanted to tell me in person that she was getting her own place.. and then she would email me periodically strictly about business (transferring utility bills, etc..)..

 

so its only been about 3 weeks of absolute no contact now.. the last we spoke was online, she said she was going to get the rest of her stuff out and wanted me out of the house while she did that.. i asked her if anything has changed and she said she didn't know and just needed time.. she even wanted to officially break it off with me and give me the ring back because she felt like she was stringing me along.. i told her that was her choice.. if she had the strength to dump me fully, then do it.. she couldn't... so we left it at that..

 

now what im concerned is, is it best for me to get my ring back and call it a full on breakup?? i really love this girl and im truly remorseful but she's so hurt and angry that and she doens't know how long its going to take for her to call me back.. ive been initiating some therapy on my jealousy issues and learning how to be less codependent on her for my self confidence.. its just ive been going thru so much lately and i never realized i would be this stressed out.. she left me at the absolute lowest point in my life ever...

 

now its so hard to continue my job search while im wondering if she'll ever come back into my life.. this is the girl i asked to marry and she said yes...

 

im trying my best to be patient and do no contact.. anyway, i went partyign with my guy friends and my friends posted up pictures on facebook, and her sister (who i keep in touch with once in awhile) told me that she saw a pic of me sitting next to and talking to some girl.. she was freaking out at that when it wasn't a big deal.. i can't hold my life back and not talk to females (its not like im trying to move on or anything.. just having my fun and getting my mind off her).. if anything, im more worried about her since she's been hanging around with single women.. and one girl in particular just had a divorce after a year and she seemed like a promiscuous girl.. i get so worried that these girls would brainwash her to think the grass is greener on the other side and if she messes up, i don't think i can take her back becuase it would haunt me all over again about her putting me on the back burner...

First of all I want to give you every bit of empathy and smpathy that I have. My ex-fiance even went as far as to buy our wedding ring and broke up with me 2 weeks later. We decided to take a trial break and all it did was drive a wedge in btw us I have something posted in break ups that is "Trading one engagement for another " which explains alot of my situation.

 

It is ironic I come across your thread now, because I took a few minutes on here as I wait for my sister in law, we are driving to a different state tonight to retrieve the rest of my stuff out of "our" townhouse. I am tearfully going. I left April 14. Now this is the final end and it really hurts bad. I did write him a short note, more for my healing more than anything. My parents raised me a certain way and I have to do all of this with as much class as possible.

 

It aches my heart to have to go back to the place we called our home to clean up the final pieces of what was our life together. Most painful thing I think I have ever had to do other than burying both of my parents.

 

To answer your question, a woman is supposed to give the ring back. Dont quote me on this as I have never done any research, but I heard there is a law that says if you want it, its your right. In my case, he wanted me to keep the engagement ring and as far as the wedding ring it never made it of the jeweler, by the time it was back from being sized especially for me, we were split up. He is engaged to a woman he met about a month ago. He said he dont expect me to understand. She is 11 years younger than him and isnt enthused about kids, he has 3, 1 with severe behavioral/pshychological problems. I am not sure why people just give up on things like that, guess some people consider relationships/people as disposable, I dont know.

 

My heart really goes out to you!! I think you should ask for it back definitely considering what it represented isnt there. If you decide that, there is definitely nothing wrong with it. It was given with the promise of marriage, and if the promise is not kept, the ring should be rightfully returned to you if those are your wishes in the same condition you gave it to her in.

 

Good luck...hope all goes well...Ill be thinking about you. My prayers are with you!!

[samspade]

I didn't bother with your story (it's too long), but a similar story was what motivated me to register with LS, so that I could set the guy straight.

 

Get your ring back. You paid for it, and gave it to her under the condition of engagement to be married. She called it off. It's yours, get it back.

 

The fact that she didn't give it back to you already makes her an untrustworthy gold-digger who only has her interests at heart. So the good news is you dodged a bullet. Imagine if you had married her and had kids.

 

Get the ring back and cut contact.

[Martian536]

Hi guys.. If you read my response, she did ultimately give me the ring back.. She's the one who thought this BREAK that she called (stay engaged but no contact for 2 months) was going to help her find herself but it supposedly didn't.. so she needed a complete breakup.. I fell for her feelings in the beginning of the break seeming like we would take things slow.. and 1 month into the break, she also felt bad for stringing me along and suggested we breakup but I didn't agree and just told her if thats what she felt then to break it up.. she didn't... strang me along for another month and then called this dinner to do it in front of my face.. that she wants complete freedom... i am devastated and shocked as to how someone of 8.5 years (we cohabitated so we had more than a normal 8.5 years).. but i guess the BREAK didn't really make her miss me because she knew I was still there waiting...

[daithi]

Well at least she did it to your face, be grateful for that!