jwi71 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Good questions. I more picture a BS whining to anyone that will listen about the horrible wrong that's been done TO them (not making lite of a situation - I know it's not a good one to find yourself in - - but I'm just one that believes that the wrong isn't being done TO the BS) OK - So what if you want to salvage the marriage - Couldn't it hurt it to tell everyone within ear-shot? Because THEN you have to live with that the rest of your life - Both spouses. Maybe this will help SiO... My stbxw had an A with her boss at work. And I told the world. I told her boss, her boss's boss, clergy, family, friends...everyone. Now I didn't phrase it as well as Owl did..but the message was clear enough. And you bet my stbxw was highly displeased. And she said pretty much everything you have... I did it to shame and humilaite her. Not true...I was fighting for my M and "circling the wagons" so to speak. And after the word was out I received a world of support...even from people I had never met. Her boss' boss was a really good man to us. It was not at all a burden to these people. Not in the slightest. I can equally imagine/remember how cornered my W felt with even her own family was highly upset at her behavior. Bubble pop. Now we obviously didnt survive. I gave up on her (she really wasnt working on herself or us) and filed. I never encountered anyone who felt burdened by this situation with many, some I never felt too close with, calling for updates and offering help. Obviously each case is different...but I tend to think that friends and family would be hurt by NOT telling them. At least in my little world anyway. I NEVER did it to hurt or humiliate her. I was trying to save my family.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I think the above post demonstrates how skewed some peoples view of this betrayl is. The reaction of people to being told is nothing like being burdened. As the above poster mentions, people are sympathetic and supportive. For some folks, those that feel one should just suck it up and "have some pride" or whatever and suffer in silence, it's almost like they feel being cheated on is something to be ashamed of, something people find so "distasteful" that they do not want to discuss it. Fact is this happens to a lot of people and almost everyone either knows someone who has gone through it or expierienced it themselves. We have so many weird things in our lives that folks feel they cannot discuss. WTF this is not Victorian England. Spill it out and get support. A side benefit may be it does some damage to the one who cheated on you, damage that is much deserved.
tami-chan Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I am all for telling whoever you feel like telling. Pride is meaningless to me, a quality that I have never found attractive.Self respect is good, though, IMO. One of the nice things I found from telling others is the realization that so many other peole had gone through this. I can't remeber the last time I was in a foursome on the course where at least one of the other members had not had a cheating wife. Many were further along in the healing process and their advice and seeing how they had recovered was beneficial to my healing. I have read you described and called your XwiveS really bad names/descriptions. Are you saying you were the ONLY one who knew how they were? Didnt you say somewhere that one of your in-laws BEGGED you to leave her...so it looks like they know her and knew of her...so why the need to pre-empt? How you lived your life and dealt with the people important to you would have been enough for them to know you were a great guy. Did you not trust your reputation? Or is it because maybe, just maybe...you had a hand to the collapse of your marriage?
tami-chan Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Here's the disconnect. You're focused on the humiliation possibility...and not considering the solid INPUT that all these other people can give the WS. The fact that they may actually LISTEN to other people that they care for and respect, when their heart and mind are (normally temporarily) blocked for the BS by that "fog". Ok, I understand telling somebody she respects..like say,her dad or mom or a beloved great aunt, her pastor....but anybody who cares to listen? c'mon...that's just trying to humiliate and bully the WS/OP into submission. Here's the thing...no one is doing this to earn respect. They probably don't care if you respect them or not...their fighting to save their marriage. It's got nothing to do with saving pride...if you're more worried about pride than fighting for your marriage...well...there ya go...it's likely a major source of the problems to begin with.Well, I see that usually ONLY ONE is FIGHTING for the marriage, the other one actually is just there for the ride-beaten, humiliated, bullied and guilted....into giving the marriage another go... Am I more than worried about pride? I would choose to have somebody freely choose to be with me....otherwise, he is on his own and I am on my own....maybe one day he will realize I AM the person he loved most and would rather be with me..if he is lucky, and if my heart is still available--then good for us....there is no way, I am going to insist that somebody love me back (the way I love him)and stay with me because I know HIS feelings more than HE will ever realize and I am trying(very hard) to MAKE him realize that. That is just being arrogant.
Reggie Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I have read you described and called your XwiveS really bad names/descriptions. Are you saying you were the ONLY one who knew how they were? Didnt you say somewhere that one of your in-laws BEGGED you to leave her...so it looks like they know her and knew of her...so why the need to pre-empt? How you lived your life and dealt with the people important to you would have been enough for them to know you were a great guy. Did you not trust your reputation? Or is it because maybe, just maybe...you had a hand to the collapse of your marriage? Just wanted to insure they had the truth. One is pretty vulnerable when going through this and I must admit, it was very reassuring to get the family support for the X's folks and siblings. I had no idea if they would buy her stuff. Apparently, they knew what she was like but hoped she had changed. Her dad apologized for not telling me. But, we had a baby coming. I may have had a hand in the collapse, but, for the life of me, I would do nothing different except to have divorced earlier. I know I was not perfect, but, overall, I was a good husband and really good dad. How about you, TC? How'd that keeping mum, allowing your H to force you to have sex , and engaging in your own affair work out for you?
tami-chan Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Just wanted to insure they had the truth. One is pretty vulnerable when going through this and I must admit, it was very reassuring to get the family support for the X's folks and siblings. I had no idea if they would buy her stuff. Apparently, they knew what she was like but hoped she had changed. Her dad apologized for not telling me. But, we had a baby coming. I may have had a hand in the collapse, but, for the life of me, I would do nothing different except to have divorced earlier. I know I was not perfect, but, overall, I was a good husband and really good dad. How about you, TC? How'd that keeping mum, allowing your H to force you to have sex , and engaging in your own affair work out for you? I am ok with it...I am not bitter about it. It's my life...my choices...i bear the brunt of the responsibilities the went with my decisions. I do not need a whole community to rally with me.... it's just curious that you felt the need to trash her to her family even though they KNEW how she was....btw, something that YOU have talked openly here on the board. and it is humiliating to talk about what went on in my marriage in the past....so I choose not to talk about it...but now and then I have to deal with it, especially when i am reminded, like what you are doing here.
Reggie Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Well, I never editorialized on her activities. Did not have to as they spoke for themselves. I like the rallying bit. It helped me deal with a lot of doubt and reassured me that there was probably nothing I could have done to have saved the marriage. It was/is really quite amazing, the level of support and reassurance. I am so muvh luckier than some of my friends who are BSs in that regard. Usually, it seems, blood is thicker than water. I'm happy I talked and got support and the OM had to bail. I really had concerns about having a man who was willing to cheat and lie so much around my kids. And, before talking to them, I did not realize they knew how she was. They came forward with this post discovery and my talking to them.
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