Author stuckinoz Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 <Shrug> I don't know...it just seem like a BS who does that is trying to humiliate the WS into staying in the marriage and /or leaving the OP-humiliating the WS into submission by a group of people. If it works for other people, then good for them, I guess. I can tell you that I have less respect for anybody who goes about telling everybody who cares to listen crap about their spouses-there are facts and then there are unnecessary side comments, most of the time. It just does not sit well with me. I feel like saying " Mr ( or Ms.), have some pride and handle your marital problems, privately." Tami - This is the way I've always thought of ANYTHING that is within the confines of the 4 walls of a marriage. Besides,if I need that many people to make my husband realize I am worth keeping, I would rather not stay.- And this as well -
Author stuckinoz Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 I still don't see that by "lifting a fog" or "ratting out the WS" ~~ how that HELPS anything. IF the WS is going to leave the marriage, they're going to leave. Even if it isn't for the affair partner. IF they are going to have an affair - they are going to have an affair. Even if "ratted out" there are ways to continue one. Many here have said that even after D-Day they find out that there is still contact with the affair partner. Some even hang on tighter to their affair partner after D-day. Telling the whole town & putting a scarlet A on anyones shirt - Can't possibly HELP a situation. I personally would look at that as a hinderance - on either side - not a help.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Yes, talking about it definitely diminishes in time. I had no interest in lifting the fog. I just wanted to get some feedback and support. I also wanted to pre-emptively stop her trashing me, which she had been doing. Letting her family know also helped get the OM out of my kids lives. The guy is a true lowlife and her family made it clear that he would never be accepted. My XWW was trying to sell the story that he was new on the scene, connecting after she moved out. This story was dispelled by getting the truth out there.
Author stuckinoz Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Reggie - I SO see your point - when you put it that way. IF someone is slamming you all over town - defending yourself & perhaps telling is a way to stop that from happening. Although - stooping to someone's level that is trashing you all around town - Would friends & family think you were just "trying to get back at her?" Whether what you are telling them is true - or not.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 What separates pride and self-respect sometimes is a thin line. I am curious though for those who continue to talk about their WS to anybody who cares to listen, is the healing faster? and if so, do you think that talking about it would diminish in time? Maybe part of "letting go' is to stop talking about it at some point, no? I'm not sure how one would know if the healing is faster, unless, for a period of time, he or she remained silent, then started talking. Even then, the comparison would not be accurate, as the silent time would be closer temporally to the intial trauma. I think it is okay to talk about it for as long as one needs to, as long as you are not bugging people. You need to be aware that some folks are not interested. After a time, you just get over it and have a scar. Hopefully, you learned something about yourself and your gullibility, and that there is a lot of cheating going on. Then, you have to make a decision. Do you want to get back into the dating/romance thing with the attendant risks? It's a riisk/reward , cost/ benefit analysis. For me, so far, I'm pretty happy/relieved not to have to deal with all that. I watch my son, who has a lot of interest in dating/girls and I just cannot imagine devoting all the time and energy he does to this interest. Of course, at 20, he is a slave to his testosterone.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Reggie - I SO see your point - when you put it that way. IF someone is slamming you all over town - defending yourself & perhaps telling is a way to stop that from happening. Although - stooping to someone's level that is trashing you all around town - Would friends & family think you were just "trying to get back at her?" Whether what you are telling them is true - or not. I think one has to go about it in a manner designed to make youself look good, which was not hard , in my case. her family really likes me and. with all this training at keeping my cool in court, I came across pretty well. I think you do run the risk of looking nuts, thus lending credibility to any allegations being made about you, if you cannot pull this off. I handled it this way: At first, I was just looking for info on what was going on, and I inquired of her dad and brothers, my golf buddies, if they knew anything. Then, I showed them what I had found, thinking they would think I had it wrong. But, they all, apparently, knew her much better than I did and, to my surprise, told me that, most likely she was cheating. I remember talking to her brother over a beer and showing him a narrative I had written outlining the evidence I had compiled. I said"Dan, I am 95% sure I have this right". After reading it, he said "Reg, why don't you crank that up about 5%." The, they started watching her, and reporting the lies they had found her telling them. Once, her mom asked me how the kids had enjoyed sledding on a day when I had taken them alone. She told me her daughter had reported we had all gone sledding together. When , in fact, she had declined coming and said she had to run errands on the side of town where the OM lived. We found lots of lies. She could not keep her stories straight. I was advised by her mom and dad to divorce her, and told repeatedly by them that their daughter is a habitual liar without a conscience and i would be much better off without her. I realte this to some of my friends going through this. They are in much tougher situations with the in-laws aligning themselves with the WS. Thye have it much harder than I did, as the self doubt was dispelled by all the support I got.
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I thought he was leaving me for another woman. I was devastated and needed support. Unlike many others on DDAy, I chose to confide in only those trusted family members and friends who had loved us both equally. Personally, the last thing I wanted to hear during that time of pain and confusion were those who would tell me to "throw the bastard out!" Why? Because it wouldn't have helped me heal to have my anger continually lit. I had all the pain and anger I could deal with. Many, many friends, (now ex) learned of my situation and gossiped about it, which was another hurt I had to deal with. People give advice based on their own preconceived judgements and fears. All advice must be taken with a grain of salt until you figure out what you do want to do with the realtionship-- fight for it, or walk away? The minute the affair was exposed, it died a natural death. Still in a fog, my WS tryed to justify it by blaming me. It wasn't until he saw the pain in all his loved ones eyes, did he even begin to understand the ramifications of his actions. I have do doubt, it would have continued had it not been exposed to the light of day. They had both convinced themselves that I too, must have a lover (hugely laughable for anyone who remotely knows me.) That I didn't love him, that we never had sex. HAHAHAHA! It is the lies and the secrecy that fuels it. Exposing it ends it, or cements it and I was fine with either because I did not want anyone who did not want me. If nothing else, exposure forces all three people in the triangle to make choices, good or bad, and allows everyone to move on with their lives however they see fit.
Owl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I still don't see that by "lifting a fog" or "ratting out the WS" ~~ how that HELPS anything. IF the WS is going to leave the marriage, they're going to leave. Even if it isn't for the affair partner. IF they are going to have an affair - they are going to have an affair. Even if "ratted out" there are ways to continue one. Many here have said that even after D-Day they find out that there is still contact with the affair partner. Some even hang on tighter to their affair partner after D-day. Telling the whole town & putting a scarlet A on anyones shirt - Can't possibly HELP a situation. I personally would look at that as a hinderance - on either side - not a help. Here's what you're just not tracking. Typically, a WS doesn't KNOW what they're going to do. They don't know if they're going to leave the marriage or not. All they're focusing on is how good they've got it right now. They AVOID thinking about the future, or actually having to decide between one or the other. When the affair suddenly goes from being in fantasy mode...hidden, secret, and only between the affair partners....to a "reality mode"...out in the open, everyone knows, most aren't approving or supporting...that's when they suddenly realize that their fantasy world is NOT comparable to reality. They're suddenly forced to make real world decisions...pulled out of the fantasy. They're suddenly forced to deal with real world IMPACTS... You're right...if they're going to have an affair, they're going to have an affair...as long as it's satisfying for them. But suddenly realizing that your friends/family/etc... don't approve, won't support it, and you're going to pay real world costs for continuing it...it's a lot less satisfying. I'd agree...they are forced with the choice of continuing the affair or continuing the marriage...that's what exposure is supposed to accomplish....to set the stage to end the affair. It COULD end the marriage...but as I said, they typically don't WANT to end the marriage...they want to continue both affair AND marriage. I can't explain it any better than that. If you don't get it now, it's because you don't want to.
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Yes, talking about it definitely diminishes in time. I had no interest in lifting the fog. I just wanted to get some feedback and support. I also wanted to pre-emptively stop her trashing me, which she had been doing. Letting her family know also helped get the OM out of my kids lives. The guy is a true lowlife and her family made it clear that he would never be accepted. My XWW was trying to sell the story that he was new on the scene, connecting after she moved out. This story was dispelled by getting the truth out there. I felt the same way Reg. I told because I had been made to look like someone I wasn't. My children were given a view that wasn't accurate about either parent. I believe in telling the truth. If I was asked what he did, I said what he did. Details weren't necessary, but the fact is he cheated. If he committed a robbery everyone would know. If he got arrested for solicitation, everyone would know. If he had an accident that killed someone everyone would know, the difference is what? The fact that he stuck his penis in another man's wife. He assaulted me when he had sex with me after having sex with her. He exposed me to all her sexual partners, her BS's possible sexual partners and etc. I was assaulted, I had no intention of covering for him. I would tell if a stranger did that to me, he fathering my children didn't earn him any special privileges. Calling my children liars for telling me, made him unworthy of any compassion I might have had for the situation he found himself in. I believe that informing her BS was the right thing to do and would do it all over again if I had to. When his parents asked what the problem was, I told them. When my siblings asked, I told them. And as far as a scarlet letter, the only letters I would place on his back are JA= Jackazz.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Thank God we are out, Bent. I don't give a sheeet about my XWW's reputation or any consequences that have befallen her.She is a mean, hateful person and anyone contemplating a relationship with her should be warned. Not my job to do that, but the info on the serial cheating is pretty well known in our community(thanks to yours truly:cool:).
LifesontheUp Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 But what happens if the marriage does survive? Now you've aired your personal marital issues for everyone to know. Guess I just don't believe in airing my dirty laundry for the whole world to see & to judge me or my spouse. Personal business IMO is personal business. What if others already know? In my situation, we all 3 worked in the same office building. Everyone knew before I did Choice got taken out of my hands even if I wanted it kept quiet. Once I found out and threw him out, they began flaunting their affair more publicly. I do wish though that someone had told me instead of me finding out the way I did.
PhoenixRise Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I told my best friend within minutes of finding out about my H's affair. I felt like my whole world had exploded and I needed her support. I told my mom soon after. Getting this support was so valuable and so necessary. Telling let me know that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Telling also kept me from blaming myself for the affair. When I decided to leave I called His mom. I told her exactly where I was going and why. So now my mom and family, who my H has considered family for 17 years and His mom and family all know about OW. The exposure and the inability to act in secrecy absolutely killed the affair. It was the best thing for me to do. I have no regrets regarding the exposure.
OpenBook Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 What if others already know? Good point. In every single cheating scenario I've ever witnessed or heard of (including the one I was involved with, all those years ago!!), somebody in the vicinity of the marriage ALWAYS knew... the neighbors, friends, family members, co-workers... even when the BS apparently had their head stuck in the sand and refused to see anything. Somebody ALWAYS knows. And they usually don't say a word about it - because they don't want to get involved/interfere; it's none of their business; etc. I imagine that a BS going around and telling everyone they know that their S cheated on them, would be quite distasteful and uncomfortable for those who are forced to listen to them. How exactly would a BS break the news anyway? Would they invite everyone to the house and make an announcement while the shame-faced CS stands beside them? Do they call everybody they know? Do they hand out flyers on the street? Hire a sky-writing plane?
Snowflower Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I was with my BFF when my husband confessed. It was really the best thing, because I needed someone to lean on when I heard the news. I immediately told my SIL (husband's sister) because she also happened to be there shortly after he told me. So two people knew immediately. Here was the interesting part. My H confessed to me shortly before a major holiday, which equaled extended family gatherings. I had known something was seriously wrong with our marriage for quite awhile before this and had mentioned our difficulties to another family member of his. I had no concrete evidence about the A and didn't mention it at this point. I still don't know how it went down exactly but somehow my H confessed to his family during a family gathering. I was not present. I guess the fall-out wasn't pretty. His OWN family wasn't very nice to him. It was the start of his waking up to reality - even though NC was still a couple of weeks away. I didn't have to do anything, really. It kind of came together by itself. It made for an interesting holiday. So yes, exposure definitely does help--I think the BS needs to think about how the best way is to do this-for maximum effect. Just becoming vindictive and telling everyone who will listen is probably NOT effective.
Author stuckinoz Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 How exactly would a BS break the news anyway? Would they invite everyone to the house and make an announcement while the shame-faced CS stands beside them? Do they call everybody they know? Do they hand out flyers on the street? Hire a sky-writing plane? Good questions. I more picture a BS whining to anyone that will listen about the horrible wrong that's been done TO them (not making lite of a situation - I know it's not a good one to find yourself in - - but I'm just one that believes that the wrong isn't being done TO the BS) OK - So what if you want to salvage the marriage - Couldn't it hurt it to tell everyone within ear-shot? Because THEN you have to live with that the rest of your life - Both spouses.
Owl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Good point. In every single cheating scenario I've ever witnessed or heard of (including the one I was involved with, all those years ago!!), somebody in the vicinity of the marriage ALWAYS knew... the neighbors, friends, family members, co-workers... even when the BS apparently had their head stuck in the sand and refused to see anything. Somebody ALWAYS knows. And they usually don't say a word about it - because they don't want to get involved/interfere; it's none of their business; etc. In my case, no one on my side of the internet knew. She wasn't telling anyone, because she knew full well that word would get back to me. Apparently OM told his family about my wife, describing her as "a dear friend" was all. But that was it. I imagine that a BS going around and telling everyone they know that their S cheated on them, would be quite distasteful and uncomfortable for those who are forced to listen to them. Or, they're actually good friends, who want to help where they can. Friends of the couple, or friends of the BS only...they'd be there as a shoulder if nothing else, right? Strangers...yeah, can see where they'd feel the way you describe. But friends and family? Not unless they just didn't give a damn about the BS or WS. How exactly would a BS break the news anyway? Would they invite everyone to the house and make an announcement while the shame-faced CS stands beside them? Do they call everybody they know? Do they hand out flyers on the street? Hire a sky-writing plane? Nope, usually it's more like... "Hey, I'm sure you've noticed that something is going on with WS and I. Here's the thing...she's involved with OM, and it's escalated into an (EA, PA, whatever you wanna call it). I'm fighting hard to save my marriage right now. I need your help. I wanted to let you know what is going on, and I wanted to ask you if you'd help WS do the right thing here. She's infatuated with OM, and right now, she's not thinking right and it's destroying our marriage. If you really think that our marriage is good, that it's the right thing for her to try to work on it, I'd ask you to please talk with her about it, help her end the affair and work on our marriage. Realize, I'm not asking you to fight with her, or to do anything to hurt her...on the contrary, this has nothing to do with wanting revenge or hurting anyone...I'm just trying to do the best I can to save my marriage. If you're not comfortable with talking with her, that's fine...that's your choice. But at least this way, you know what's going on, you'll understand why she's acting the way that she is, and you can help us out the best way that you can. Thanks for being there for us." Again, stop focusing on the "shame"...start thinking about what it would be like for the WS to realize that no one supports their choice to cheat. It's not shame...but it is a sudden injection of reality into the fantasy bubble.
Author stuckinoz Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 I was with my BFF when my husband confessed. It was really the best thing, because I needed someone to lean on when I heard the news. I immediately told my SIL (husband's sister) because she also happened to be there shortly after he told me. So two people knew immediately. Here was the interesting part. My H confessed to me shortly before a major holiday, which equaled extended family gatherings. I had known something was seriously wrong with our marriage for quite awhile before this and had mentioned our difficulties to another family member of his. I had no concrete evidence about the A and didn't mention it at this point. I still don't know how it went down exactly but somehow my H confessed to his family during a family gathering. I was not present. I guess the fall-out wasn't pretty. His OWN family wasn't very nice to him. It was the start of his waking up to reality - even though NC was still a couple of weeks away. I didn't have to do anything, really. It kind of came together by itself. It made for an interesting holiday. So yes, exposure definitely does help--I think the BS needs to think about how the best way is to do this-for maximum effect. Just becoming vindictive and telling everyone who will listen is probably NOT effective. Yeah - But HE told -Not you - You didn't have to. Did the marriage survive?
Owl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Good questions. I more picture a BS whining to anyone that will listen about the horrible wrong that's been done TO them (not making lite of a situation - I know it's not a good one to find yourself in - - but I'm just one that believes that the wrong isn't being done TO the BS) OK - So what if you want to salvage the marriage - Couldn't it hurt it to tell everyone within ear-shot? Because THEN you have to live with that the rest of your life - Both spouses. What you usually find out is that everyone forgives the WS when they choose to reconcile. They're not dealing with any shame...on the contrary, people are usually happy to see them make a good choice in a tough situation. If they opt to end the marriage...well, their own family will likely forgive them anyway, and they won't have to deal with the BS's family, so the only people left to deal with are friends...whom they can keep or not, depending on how that friend deals with the situation. Again...EVERYONE rapidly "forgave and forgot" when it came to dealing with this in my wife's situation. If they didn't, the darn sure have NEVER been foolish enough to act otherwise...because THEY would be the ones "disowned" before my wife would be.
Snowflower Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Yeah - But HE told -Not you - You didn't have to. Did the marriage survive? Yes, we are successfully recovering our marriage. I'm glad HE was the one who told his family. He had to deal with their disapproval. It was probably more effective than if I had exposed his affair to his family myself. I would have told them if I had had the chance-but he told them first. I'm glad-he had to face the shame, embarrassment and their disapproval ALONE. By the time I saw everyone-the next day, they were supportive of me.
Author stuckinoz Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Yes, we are successfully recovering our marriage. I'm glad HE was the one who told his family. He had to deal with their disapproval. It was probably more effective than if I had exposed his affair to his family myself. I would have told them if I had had the chance-but he told them first. I'm glad-he had to face the shame, embarrassment and their disapproval ALONE. By the time I saw everyone-the next day, they were supportive of me. Good for you guys I think IF it's to be told it should be up to the WS to tell. Just like in your story. It's THEIR THING....not yours. THEY would be the ones that had the affair NOT YOU. Glad it all worked out for you.
Snowflower Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Good for you guys I think IF it's to be told it should be up to the WS to tell. Just like in your story. It's THEIR THING....not yours. THEY would be the ones that had the affair NOT YOU. Glad it all worked out for you. Thanks, sio. Now that I think back on it, I'm not sure how/when I would have told his family if he hadn't told them first. I hadn't thought that far ahead at that point. I guess when I told his sister I had already started that process. I just happened to see her 10 minutes after he confessed and I just "spilled it" you know, severe emotional distress on my part. It was the absolute worst week of my life and it probably always will be.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Good point. In every single cheating scenario I've ever witnessed or heard of (including the one I was involved with, all those years ago!!), somebody in the vicinity of the marriage ALWAYS knew... the neighbors, friends, family members, co-workers... even when the BS apparently had their head stuck in the sand and refused to see anything. Somebody ALWAYS knows. And they usually don't say a word about it - because they don't want to get involved/interfere; it's none of their business; etc. I imagine that a BS going around and telling everyone they know that their S cheated on them, would be quite distasteful and uncomfortable for those who are forced to listen to them. How exactly would a BS break the news anyway? Would they invite everyone to the house and make an announcement while the shame-faced CS stands beside them? Do they call everybody they know? Do they hand out flyers on the street? Hire a sky-writing plane? No, nobody seemed to find it distasteful. They were interested and supportive, actually asking questions and giving advice. The best way to do it is to simply work it into an otherwise normal conversation. Like when someone asks "how's the wife and kids,Reg?" You simply say, "Oh, not too bad. The wife is having an affair. How about "da Bears"? They take it form there, and start asking for info. Friends and family, generally, want to know about this stuff and provide support. You just don't want to come off as too angry or vindictive. Just sort of matter of fact. Then, you look like a reasonable, normal person who has been dealing with an a-hole. I had it down really well, after a while.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Good questions. I more picture a BS whining to anyone that will listen about the horrible wrong that's been done TO them (not making lite of a situation - I know it's not a good one to find yourself in - - but I'm just one that believes that the wrong isn't being done TO the BS) OK - So what if you want to salvage the marriage - Couldn't it hurt it to tell everyone within ear-shot? Because THEN you have to live with that the rest of your life - Both spouses. Well, clearly, the Bs is being wronged. I cannot imagine any reasonalbe argument on that. But, on the whining thing, I think you have it all wrong. The folks that have told me about their dealings with infidelity have been very thoughtful, articulate folks who have shown a lot of strength in dealing with this terrible abuse. Many are knowledgeable about all types of things associated with cheaters(personality disorders, investigative tips, legal advice.) No whining that I've seen. We are often laughing at the absurd behaviors exhibited by the WSs. I mean some of this stuff is hilarious and a good respite from the pain.
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Good point. In every single cheating scenario I've ever witnessed or heard of (including the one I was involved with, all those years ago!!), somebody in the vicinity of the marriage ALWAYS knew... the neighbors, friends, family members, co-workers... even when the BS apparently had their head stuck in the sand and refused to see anything. Somebody ALWAYS knows. And they usually don't say a word about it - because they don't want to get involved/interfere; it's none of their business; etc. I imagine that a BS going around and telling everyone they know that their S cheated on them, would be quite distasteful and uncomfortable for those who are forced to listen to them. How exactly would a BS break the news anyway? Would they invite everyone to the house and make an announcement while the shame-faced CS stands beside them? Do they call everybody they know? Do they hand out fliers on the street? Hire a sky-writing plane? It's funny and not at the same time. A few years ago, I woke up early one Sat. morning to go for a jog. My neighborhood was littered with fliers. They were taped to mailboxes, stabled to light poles and trees. Some were rolled in little plastic bags like newspapers in some driveways. They were all about a guy who cheated on his wife. His picture, vitals and cell number were on there. They were passed out by the ow and her friends. I didn't know the couple but met the wife a couple months later on a job. When she introduced herself, I asked her where she lived and she told me the name of our neighborhood. Then I stuck my foot in my mouth. I in my brilliance asked her if she had seen the fliers and who she thought the "jerk" was. She smiled with a pained expression and told me it was her H. I quickly apologized for making her uncomfortable. She told me that the ow was a scorned psycho(the story WS told her and oh so typical of a cake eating butt), and I let it drop. About 2 years later, she came home to changed locks and a note saying her WS and OW were getting married and the divorce papers would be sent to her mother's house. Sorry got of track, but the bolded statement made me think of the incident and her pain.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 My ex brother in law and I have had many a laugh when talking about his sister's behaviors. Once, I was driving past the OM's house on the way home from work , when I saw her car coming toward me, heading for his house. She spotted my car and began evasive maneuvers, signaling to turn left , then turning right and vice versa. It was hilarious. I kept thinking of Peter Falk in the "IN-Laws" yelling to Alan Arkin, "Serpentine, Shel. Serpentine." We laughed at this for a long time during the snooping phase.
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