stuckinoz Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm curious. I've been reading in several posts & I wonder why so many are for telling any family member, joe on the street, boss that will listen, HR department - about their spouse's affair? What purpose would it serve the marriage (whether it can be repaired or not) - - to "air your dirty laundry to the entire world" so to speak. Just curious.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm curious. I've been reading in several posts & I wonder why so many are for telling any family member, joe on the street, boss that will listen, HR department - about their spouse's affair? What purpose would it serve the marriage (whether it can be repaired or not) - - to "air your dirty laundry to the entire world" so to speak. Just curious. Because it's the truth, it's not about solely airing dirty laundry, WS's tend to cheat and lie, they will lie to cover up what they done. The truth will let people know of the fact. No Wayward spouse solely accepts that cheating is the way people will see them, in fact they will go to extreme lengths to put themselves in the best light as possible. They will play the victim and blame you for their cheating as evidenced time and again. Hey if you dont want your stuff exposed all over front street just dont do it. dont cheat. I'm sure my ex told her friends I was the reason we broke up because she doesnt want to be portrayed as the bad guy. but I made sure people knew what she did.
anne1707 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I am actually against the idea of telling others if you are trying to make the marriage work (unless it is someone who will offer genuine support to both parties). The reason I am against it (as is Wuggle) is that you have enough going against you whilst you try to work on your marriage without others pointing their fingers, casting judgements etc and knowing that they will always be asking how you are doing when really you just want to deal with it between you.
norajane Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I would tell my friends and family for the support they would offer, which I'd sorely need, I'm sure. And I'd tell his family because they are the people who raised him and theoretically know him and understand him. They could either offer some insight as to why he'd be such a sneaking, cheating coward or rip him a new one for being a cheating, lying ass. Even if they offer nothing to help, exposing the affair makes it less exciting for the cheater. Sneaking around and getting away with it heightens the excitement. Having his mom know what he's up to, well, it takes the affair out of the fantasy realm and brings it down to the ugly reality.
Author stuckinoz Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 But what happens if the marriage does survive? Now you've aired your personal marital issues for everyone to know. Guess I just don't believe in airing my dirty laundry for the whole world to see & to judge me or my spouse. Personal business IMO is personal business.
norajane Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I sure as hell wouldn't want to go through something like that without the support of my sister and parents and close friends. Why should I have to tough it out through the heartbreak and anger and hurt and disappointment alone? And the cheater is the one who should be worried about airing dirty laundry. If he wanted everyone to believe the marriage was all rosy and happy happy joy joy, and he was a paragon of virtue, then he shouldn't have betrayed his marriage vows. If it's such personal business, then he shouldn't have brought another woman into the marriage.
Owl Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 But what happens if the marriage does survive? Now you've aired your personal marital issues for everyone to know. Guess I just don't believe in airing my dirty laundry for the whole world to see & to judge me or my spouse. Personal business IMO is personal business. I DID tell everyone and their brother. My family (brothers and sisters), her family (sister), our friends, etc... And the reason behind it was simple. I wanted them to talk to her, to get her to stop and THINK rather than just react, which is EXACTLY all she did from the moment she was "busted". I asked for their support, asked them to help me fight for my marriage. They did. She called some, some called her...they all gave her the exact same advice. It worked. Between that and my last "visit" with her before she was supposed to get on the plane to go live with OM, she had doubts. And talking about those doubts with me during that visit led to OM getting ticked off and telling her not to come. It all resulted in the collapse of her affair. They all put tons of pressure on her to end contact with him when they kept on emailing/calling/IM'ing afterwards. It all worked...the affair ended, and no contact was established. As far as how did it effect our recovery? Well, everyone forgave her, with the very minor exception of a couple of friends...who are all long since EX-friends. Anyone who couldn't handle the situation, and accept that we decided to reconcile was on their own...our focus was rebuilding the marriage. Interestingly enough, some of the best advice she got was from one of my sisters...who it turned out had been involved in an EA of her own at one point...that no one had known about. Yep, I'm a firm advocate of exposure...I've seen it work just like it's supposed to.
HsMomma Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I was one of the BS's who did not choose to tell everyone & their brother about my exH's affairs. I can see both sides of this - Owl, you make a very persuasive argument, but in my case, I had no intention of fighting for the marriage any longer (had already done that after discovery of A#1 & A#2). My family knew about his affairs, because I did indeed need their support, but I never told his family. I also didn't tell "our" friends - "my" friends knew, because again, I needed their support as well. Because our daughter was so young when we split up (she was 4), and because I made a vow NOT to let her know the true reason we split up (I believe it needs to be between the spouses, not involving the kids, especially very young children - I've told her over the years only, "Your Daddy & I just couldn't live together and be happy, and we both wanted better for you."), I also did not involve my in-laws. Just as I believe that each marriage is different, I believe that each situation is different & so there isn't a 'stock' response to "Do you "out" someone's affair?".
seibert253 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I DID tell everyone and their brother. My family (brothers and sisters), her family (sister), our friends, etc... And the reason behind it was simple. I wanted them to talk to her, to get her to stop and THINK rather than just react, which is EXACTLY all she did from the moment she was "busted". I asked for their support, asked them to help me fight for my marriage. They did. She called some, some called her...they all gave her the exact same advice. It worked. Between that and my last "visit" with her before she was supposed to get on the plane to go live with OM, she had doubts. And talking about those doubts with me during that visit led to OM getting ticked off and telling her not to come. It all resulted in the collapse of her affair. They all put tons of pressure on her to end contact with him when they kept on emailing/calling/IM'ing afterwards. It all worked...the affair ended, and no contact was established. As far as how did it effect our recovery? Well, everyone forgave her, with the very minor exception of a couple of friends...who are all long since EX-friends. Anyone who couldn't handle the situation, and accept that we decided to reconcile was on their own...our focus was rebuilding the marriage. Interestingly enough, some of the best advice she got was from one of my sisters...who it turned out had been involved in an EA of her own at one point...that no one had known about. Yep, I'm a firm advocate of exposure...I've seen it work just like it's supposed to. With Owl on this one. Did the same, had the same results. It was a fog buster.
jwi71 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm curious. I've been reading in several posts & I wonder why so many are for telling any family member, joe on the street, boss that will listen, HR department - about their spouse's affair? For everything Owl has said. You tell all family members (yours, hers, the OM/OW's) to kill the A. No...I wouldn't tell Joe on the street...none of his damn business (he has not ties to the involved parties). Yes...tell the boss. I want to know why your performance sunk like a rock and why you look like a disheveled zombie. It certainly affects work performance and this is to help protect your job. The same here goes for HR...many companies may offer time off for undo mental stress such as D or an A. What purpose would it serve the marriage (whether it can be repaired or not) - - to "air your dirty laundry to the entire world" so to speak. Just curious. And its not YOUR dirty laundry. Its about a M in crisis fighting to survive. I simply believe that in times of crisis you gather your friends and family around you for support. That's what they're for...to me it seems as if yo would pay medical insurance yet when you need...not use it and pay cash.
LakesideDream Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I had my suspicions for a decade. I kept my mouth shut, didn't ask, didn't want to have "that talk". I had two young children that depended on me being a full time father. Me now ex was "a little" disenguaged. She wasn't as active in the kids lives and needs as I was, or so I believed. My marriage continued for those ten years or so. I was probably better for it. I loved her. I wanted to be together forever. It didn't happen, as soon as the kids were up and out, so was she with her long term affair partner. I have no regrets that outweigh the satisfaction or raising my children in a two parent home. Tread carefully when children are involved. It's not always about You!
tami-chan Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I did not tell anyone-not my family nor my friends. My husband and I got married by ourselves (we eloped), if my friends and family were not there at that time, why would I burden them with my marital problems? Besides,if I need that many people to make my husband realize I am worth keeping, I would rather not stay.
username24 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I did not tell anyone-not my family nor my friends. My husband and I got married by ourselves (we eloped), if my friends and family were not there at that time, why would I burden them with my marital problems? Besides,if I need that many people to make my husband realize I am worth keeping, I would rather not stay. By this logic if your husband thought you were worth keeping, why would he cheat on you? (The answer of course being, most wayward spouses are deep in a fog). Like Owl said, this is more about busting the fog than trying to reason or convince the wayward spouse.
DNU1 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I'm curious. I've been reading in several posts & I wonder why so many are for telling any family member, joe on the street, boss that will listen, HR department - about their spouse's affair? What purpose would it serve the marriage (whether it can be repaired or not) - - to "air your dirty laundry to the entire world" so to speak. Just curious. You "expose the affair" to help end the affiar. That's the primary reason. Not for revenge, but to end the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy. When you expose, you do so quickly and completely. You tell everyone who has an impact that you want to recover your marriage and ask them to help end this affair. Exposure is the best way to end an affair.
tami-chan Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 By this logic if your husband thought you were worth keeping, why would he cheat on you? (The answer of course being, most wayward spouses are deep in a fog). Like Owl said, this is more about busting the fog than trying to reason or convince the wayward spouse. Where have you been? have you not read how many WS do not really leave their wives for the OP? Many times when the BS finds out, the fog is lifted. If it didn't then you have a bigger problem-and probably need to just let the WS go. In my case, it did, but I didnt want to work on the marriage, the way it should have been worked on.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 First, in this painfult time, a BS may need the support of loved ones. So, teliing family mayprovide that support. Second, by telling, if there is reconcilliation, there are more pairs of eyes scrutinizing the Ws's future behavior and a Bs might be alerted earlier.
seibert253 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 You "expose the affair" to help end the affiar. That's the primary reason. Not for revenge, but to end the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy. When you expose, you do so quickly and completely. You tell everyone who has an impact that you want to recover your marriage and ask them to help end this affair. Exposure is the best way to end an affair. Part of the 2X4 of reality. Sometimes has a better effect swung by multiple people at various times and places.
norajane Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Where have you been? have you not read how many WS do not really leave their wives for the OP? Many times when the BS finds out, the fog is lifted. If it didn't then you have a bigger problem-and probably need to just let the WS go. In my case, it did, but I didnt want to work on the marriage, the way it should have been worked on. Have you not read how many WS's wait until the heat dies down at home and go back to their OW's/OM's, all the while telling their spouses that they're working on the marriage and even going to counseling? And then there is another d-day? Even then they still don't leave for the OP, nor do they end the affair, yet they tell both the OP and their spouse they love them. The fog doesn't always lift automatically upon discovery of the affair.
tami-chan Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Have you not read how many WS's wait until the heat dies down at home and go back to their OW's/OM's, all the while telling their spouses that they're working on the marriage and even going to counseling? And then there is another d-day? Even then they still don't leave for the OP, nor do they end the affair, yet they tell both the OP and their spouse they love them. The fog doesn't always lift automatically upon discovery of the affair. so...? what's your argument? I said that many WS do not leave their BS for the OP....and you are saying what? That yes, they do not leave? That does not make sense. I am saying, many times at D-day the fog is lifted...and you are saying...."it doesn't always lift automatically"....did i say it ALWAYS LIFT AUTOMATICALLY????? your just trying to find something to be contrary. I even said, if it doesn't lift (at d-day) then there is a bigger problem.
norajane Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Calm down, tami. I'm saying, you can't work on a marriage if the WS is still in the fog. So if you're a BS who wants to work on the marriage, yes, you are willing to do whatever it takes and get whatever support you can get to help the WS get out of the fog.
tami-chan Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Calm down, tami. LOL....! I'm saying, you can't work on a marriage if the WS is still in the fog this goes without saying. So if you're a BS who wants to work on the marriage, yes, you are willing to do whatever it takes and get whatever support you can get to help the WS get out of the fog. <Shrug> I don't know...it just seem like a BS who does that is trying to humiliate the WS into staying in the marriage and /or leaving the OP-humiliating the WS into submission by a group of people. If it works for other people, then good for them, I guess. I can tell you that I have less respect for anybody who goes about telling everybody who cares to listen crap about their spouses-there are facts and then there are unnecessary side comments, most of the time. It just does not sit well with me. I feel like saying " Mr ( or Ms.), have some pride and handle your marital problems, privately."
norajane Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I can respect your position about handling marital affairs privately. However, I don't agree with it myself. I would want the support of my family and close friends, and I would want the support of his family as well. If I'd built a life with someone, in my view it's adding insult to injury for me to have to hide my pain from our family. Nor would I be able to pretend everything is happy when we are with our families - not only would I feel like I was party to deceiving people I'm very close to and who love me, but I just wouldn't be able to hide my distress from those people. But I'm very close to my family, so perhaps that's why I cannot imagine shutting them out of something so serious that it changed my life, regardless of the ultimate outcome.
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I am all for telling whoever you feel like telling. Pride is meaningless to me, a quality that I have never found attractive.Self respect is good, though, IMO. One of the nice things I found from telling others is the realization that so many other peole had gone through this. I can't remeber the last time I was in a foursome on the course where at least one of the other members had not had a cheating wife. Many were further along in the healing process and their advice and seeing how they had recovered was beneficial to my healing.
tami-chan Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 What separates pride and self-respect sometimes is a thin line. I am curious though for those who continue to talk about their WS to anybody who cares to listen, is the healing faster? and if so, do you think that talking about it would diminish in time? Maybe part of "letting go' is to stop talking about it at some point, no?
Owl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 <Shrug> I don't know...it just seem like a BS who does that is trying to humiliate the WS into staying in the marriage and /or leaving the OP-humiliating the WS into submission by a group of people. Here's the disconnect. You're focused on the humiliation possibility...and not considering the solid INPUT that all these other people can give the WS. The fact that they may actually LISTEN to other people that they care for and respect, when their heart and mind are (normally temporarily) blocked for the BS by that "fog". This is the same on the snooping thread...people are focused on how THEY would feel humiliated if it happened to them, rather than actually trying to see how it works to RECOVER the marriage. If it works for other people, then good for them, I guess. I can tell you that I have less respect for anybody who goes about telling everybody who cares to listen crap about their spouses-there are facts and then there are unnecessary side comments, most of the time. It just does not sit well with me. I feel like saying " Mr ( or Ms.), have some pride and handle your marital problems, privately." Here's the thing...no one is doing this to earn respect. They probably don't care if you respect them or not...their fighting to save their marriage. It's got nothing to do with saving pride...if you're more worried about pride than fighting for your marriage...well...there ya go...it's likely a major source of the problems to begin with.
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