Complicated, what can I do?

[nate]

Hey guys,

 

First off, I didn't know whether to post this in the coping section or the second chances section, or the break up section. I suppose that's a good signifier to where I'm at at the moment.

 

If anyone wants any background info, I have posted before in the break up section. I was just wondering whether anyone can help me...

 

Since my last posts I am more level headed and have been coping a lot better. I'm back eating and talking to people at work etc. And, like I said, I am more level headed about the situation, although not completely obviously!

 

Without going too far into what has happened, I basically dumped my girlfriend to come to regret it. Ive done this a few times, have my reasons (I have no excuses though) and have regretted everyone one. She has since told me she doesn't want to get back in a relationship with me. She has several reasons, but mostly because I've chipped away at her everytime I have done this. I completely understand and respect her decision and explanations.

 

I know now, after more rational and level headed thinking, that I am going to have to give the situation time. But I am in a really complicated situation, and want to know what you guys would do...

 

I love this girl. I'm not going to get soppy and bore you with details, but I really do. I always have. May seem funny splitting up with her so many times, but I think I've just had issues with myself that have inflicted themselves on our relationship. I used to take flight basically. Completely unfair on her, I know. But I don't want this post to be about self-loathing and dwelling on where I went wrong, thats for me to suss out!

 

I respect the decision that she has made. We met up on sunday for 'closure', but it was very emotional and hard for us both. She said she loved me still, and always will do, and said that she did still want me, but still didn't think we should go back out.

 

I want to know what to do. I'm split between begging for her back and going NC (even though I was the dumper etc). I know many of you might read this and think that I don't deserve her, I've got what ive asked for, and I should stop bothering her, but its not like that. I wasn't abusive or a bad boyfriend at all, I just made the wrong decisions a few times. She said she was happy with me, and she will miss that happiness more than anything. What I was thinking of doing was not contacting her, like phoning her or texting her etc for a while, and thus respecting her decision, but writing her a postcard when I go away. Not a heart-felt one, just letting her know what Ive been doing, but letting her know that I miss her. Does this make sense? I'm not hassling her to get back with me, but I'm just letting her know that I still think of her. I am also thinking that after a while, a few months or something, that I should write her a letter again, and then thats it. If she doesn't respond to it or I haven't heard anything from her, I really need to let her go. After all, I really do mean that I want her to be happy, with or without me. I just know she's still in love with me but she feels she needs to do this to be strong and protect herself, all of which I completely understand. But all this might change in a few months time, so I just kind of think I need to know what she feels after some time. I could go on forever, but what do you think?

 

Any questions just ask. This forum has helped me even though my post only got one response, I have been reading others. Its taught me that human suffering is universal. Thats an important thing to know in times like this, and is easy to lose sight of. I am coping with this better, and I think I'll be willing to accept this massive loss, although I'm not there yet. I suppose I just can't give up that easily on the one thing that I love the most in this world. Thats not a stalkerish thing to say, because if she really wants that then I will respect that. I just know shes confused about everything at the moment, as am I....OK need to stop rambling!

 

Thanks

[SweetyBear]

I feel for you and your situation sounds similar to mine except I broke up only once and my ex doesn't show any signs of taking me back. I know that it was my personal issues that made me give up on the relationship. I know I ran away because finally being with someone who really loved me scared me to death. I guess because (for a simple explanation) I feel unlovable. Tons of reasons for this. Even before I actually broke up with him and ran away from him, I had an appointment for counseling for these issues. It was a first-time appointment and it was to be my assessment. I have only had one actual appointment with my counselor so far because of scheduling, etc. I have another one coming up soon. Anyway, I can't tell you what to do in terms of what will work with your girl. You and I both know the hurt we caused our exes even if we didn't mean to and I have no way of knowing what we can do to ease that or assure them it won't happen again. My only suggestion to you is that for now you get into counseling for whatever your issues are if you haven't already. If they are serious enough for you to cause pain to someone you really love, they are serious enough for you to work on and overcome. For yourself first and then also so that you don't keep repeating this situation. It sounds like it repeated a couple of times with her already. It's such a roller coaster and it really stinks that I'm the one who put myself here kind of like you did, too. The one thing I've realized is that as overwhelming as the emotions are, whether they're love, anger, hurt or whatever, you don't have to act on them. Make decisions like contacting or whatever only when you feel calm and rational.

[Bezelbaker]

Just from the limited information you have posted it sounds very similar to my situation. My boyfriend has been lovely but we have broken up and got back together about 5 times now. Unless you can say 100% that you are healed and wont do this again you cant even ask her back. My Ex professed his undying love to me in Feb after a 6 month break and i wanted to believe he had changed so i took him back now 4 months down the line he has dumped me again because he just doesnt know what he wants. If he asked me back i know there is no way i can ever go back because of how he has been. I love him so much and the thought of him not being is my life is killing me but i have given him 4 years of my life for him to dump me 5 times. I now have to walk away as it destroys me everytime we split up and reconcile.

 

I know when she is not with you, you miss her and think you want her back, but seriously has anything changed this time, can you really take the chance with her heart? If you have then great and i really hope you get the chance but i think you need to do some deep soul searching into why you break up with her and whether that issue has been resolved (not just because you miss her) before you can even think about trying to win her back. Look long at hard within yourself before trying anything as i speak from experience and a little peice of me has died each time i have been messed around by my ex.

 

Good Luck

[gorgio]

I am in the same situation, though in my case she has a new guy which obviously helped her move on.

 

There are other issues behind this that we need to resolve, read my post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191597/

 

Especially the response by Ronni.

 

Maybe after we resolve these issues we can figure out if we really want to go back to them, or it was just something we have to fix with ourselves.

[nate]

SweetyBear, I empathise with you here a lot. The reasons I have broken up in the past I think is a lack of confidence and identity issues of who I am. I have always loved her, thats never been in question. Just other things have, mostly about myself. I tend to think negatively about things, can be quite judgemental, and lack the confidence to show my emotions properly as I have felt embarrassed (pathetic, I know now). These traits have had a profound impact on our relationship. I am determined to fix them, for myself first. I can already see a change in myself and who I really am. If I never have a relationship again with her, then at least I know I have learned from this experience, and will be a better person for it. I'm not saying I was a bad boyfriend at all, because I wasn't. She'll actually (and confusingly!) be the first person to back me up on that. I just could of done things better I suppose.

 

Bezelbaker, I completely understand where you are coming from. I know that I shouldn't just jump right in. I have always wanted her, its not a question of that (I know this sounds dumb, but when I say I have split up with her all those times, I've also realised they were mistakes all those times and wanted her back, if that makes sense!). But you seem to be in my girlfriends situation. Protecting yourself from heartbreak even if you do still love them. I can completely understand this, and would probably do the same thing. Its not like I'm being childish here and just wanting her back for the sake of it, because I'm jealous, or just missing her etc. I know that all these things are inevitable, but have to do whats right on my behalf and respect what she thinks is right on her behalf.

 

When you say 'a little piece of me has died each time I have been messed around', this is the reason she doesn't want me back, so kind of pulls a heart string Just wish she knew that I wouldn't mess her around again. I know this is going to sound pathetic, but after experiencing just a little slice of what she was going through each time has really opened my eyes. But I suppose its probably too late for her to see that now. She's given me enough chances as it is. I actually weirdly applaud her for all this lol

 

Any suggestions on what to do? Letter? postcard etc? contact? I don't know what your supposed to say, just if anyone has opinions I suppose. I'l do what my heart tells me is right at the end of the day, but opinions and other viewpoints will help me arrive there I suppose

[nate]

gorgio, I have read your post and can see similarities. Ronni's responses made sense. Even though I can't blatantly see them, there are obviously things that are making this harder for me, not just the loss of my girlfriend.I think I consciously know about a few as well. But like you, I feel that this is mostly about the relationship I had with her. Of course there are other issues, other losses that I have felt, and this may just be bringing back memories. There are also things about my girlfriend that I will miss that aren't about love that I am probably feeling loss about (her family, her good looks when we go to a club (ego boooost!), the comfort I feel with her just being there with me), but I think I'm doing right to confront these things and come to a conclusion that these things I think I could replace. I don't think that these are the burning issues. I actually told her when we saw each other for 'closure' that if I got someone else then they would never compare. This wasn't a soppy, unneccessarily romantic thing to say to win her back, it was true. I said to her that even if I get a girlfriend who I may get on with more and have less arguments with, who has more in common with me, who likes the same music as me etc it won't be the same. I had this overarching feeling when I was with her. I dunno...maybe that will just go. The more I explore, the more confusing everything is. But I'm determined to keep exploring, I'm not going to let it lie latent ready to bite me in the future!

[nate]

p.s. here's my original thread if you are interested in background stuff:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190850/

 

This was before I met her on Sunday. She didn't do anything with that guy, because she respected that she was seeing me on sunday and would have hurt me, although I think she made it clear she was doing it for me and not necessarily for herself (but who knows). Also, like I've said, she said a lot of things to me that day that made me feel a bit better. Like that she'll always love me, and that she was always there for me, and that she still wants me. But she didn't say anything like she thinks we should be back together, or she thinks she just needs time. Its still a 'for good' thing. Just letting you know if you're interested!

[boogieboy]

I dunno man, she already started sleeping with someone else. You could give her some time and try again, but it probably wont be the same because it isnt new.

 

You'd have to seem like a whole new person to be attractive to her. At the same time, if you wait too long, she might hook up with someone that she wants to stay with (even though it might be a rebound for her).

 

She will keep thinking that she cant trust you. Youre 22, I'd say move on and start fresh with a new girl. Seriously. Hard to hink that way, but you might wind up doing that anyway if you try to get back with your ex and she doesnt take the bait.

[nate]

I dunno man, she already started sleeping with someone else. You could give her some time and try again, but it probably wont be the same because it isnt new.

 

You'd have to seem like a whole new person to be attractive to her. At the same time, if you wait too long, she might hook up with someone that she wants to stay with (even though it might be a rebound for her).

 

She will keep thinking that she cant trust you. Youre 22, I'd say move on and start fresh with a new girl. Seriously. Hard to hink that way, but you might wind up doing that anyway if you try to get back with your ex and she doesnt take the bait.

 

I know its easy to think that just because she's slept with someone (once btw) that its over and stuff. But its not as simple as that. She hasn't fallen out of love with me or the feelings have gone etc. She did that because she wanted it to signal to herself that she was in control, and to tell me that she was in control. Like I said, she wasn't regretful that she did it (I think it was important for her to tell me that), but she did think it was the wrong way to go about her feelings. She said to me on sunday that she just missed intimacy and wanted that back, even though it kind of backfired on her because sleeping with someone isn't really intimate when you don't know them properly. She also said to me that she really isn't ready for a boyfriend at all. I know people might judge her for this action, but she honestly isn't like that. And thats another thing, I'm not judging her for that. I think that signals that I am actually changing because of this. I'd be quick to jump on the 'oh she's just a slut then' bandwagon before all this.

 

I know no one on here really knows what she's like, but I'm not just being blind here am I?! I do know her very well. I think she would of told me if she just didn't care about me anymore and wanted to that kind of stuff. I honestly believe that. She's told me everything else, even if when she knows it is hurtful to me. I mean, at the end of the day, she didn't even have to tell me that she slept with someone. We aren't together. We had been split up for a month, she didn't owe me any explanations or anything, but she still offered them.

 

And I honestly don't think she wants me to turn into a completely new person at all. She does still love me after all. I think she wants me to be more happy with myself yeah, and wants me to deal with things differently than from the past, but she doesn't want someone completely different. I'm actually certain of that (makes one thing!).

 

She's also said that it isn't about trust. She knows I wouldn't do that again because it was completely out of character for me. She actually told someone at work that I know he's more upset that he's done it to himself rather than he's done it to me. She's right, I was upset that i'd broke my morals as well as hurting her. I'd let myself down a lot. I'm not pretending that trust wouldn't be a bit shaky at first, but I don't believe that is the main issue.

[gorgio]

I ready your thread - we are in a very similar situation.

 

You have to go NC and move on (that's what I am doing). Mine even gave me more hope by saying that eventually we might give it a shot again and that she misses me etc. but it's not good for us to hold on to that hope.

 

Go NC, once the emotions have dissipated you can confront her. As I have said before, there are other reasons for how we feel that have nothing to do with our ex. I am figuring my life out from scratch now so this breakup was a good thing and it is good for you too.

 

Once we heal we will realize why we acted the way we did. There is a reason for all of this, and now that we are alone we are just clinging to the concept of them returning as our life support.

 

NC and wait some months.

[Bezelbaker]

I honestly dont know what to say for the best because although i am in your ex girlfriend's position my ex isnt coming back this time (well i am assuming not but we have only been split a week) I would love to give him another chance, quite frankly that would be my dream but at the same time i know there is no way i can give him another chance. I can never trust him not to do it again. By too and froing and showing disregard for our feelings you have made us put up a wall around our hearts. I know you thought at the time you were doing it for the best and i am really really sorry if this sounds overly harsh, but i think you have to let her go. Maybe in the future you can be friends but if your girlfriend is going through the same as me I have finally held up my hands in defeat and i have to walk away to protect myself. Utimatley i would have done anything for my ex and it seemed the more i tried to help him with his problems the more i lost sight of myself. I wish i could offer more help but being on the other side of it, it is painful and hurts more and more each time he does it. As you say you do love her and regret your decision, i truly believe my ex loves me and did regret his decision (whether he regrets it this time remains to be seen) but i have to protect myself now and i have had to admit to myself that the one man i love more than anything is the one person who has the ability to damage me and hurt me the most.

 

I hate to say this but i think you may have to let her go and learn from mistakes but dont beat yourself up about them.

 

Sorry i couldnt be more help.

[nate]

I can understand that Bezelbaker :'( Like I said, ive understood all this from day one, why she's done it and what pain this must be causing her as well. I really do want to make it up to her though. Is NC the way to go? I mean, will she feel better in a few months, to the point where we can both talk about things in a more rational manner?

[Gottabestrong]

Being as you dumped her and she was heartbroken because she still loves you, I don't think you should go NC, unless she asks you to. Did she?

 

It sounds to me that the main reason she doesn't want to get back together with you is because she is scared of getting hurt again. Which makes a lot of sense. So if you want her back, you will have to prove to her that you are serious about regretting the break-up and won't do it again. (Though you can't really promise that, after all who knows how they are going to feel about someone in the future? Most relationships do end, after all.)

 

So my advice to you is to show her that you are there for her, that you aren't going anywhere and that you really love her. How are you going to do this? Stay in touch with her, contact her regularly, but not too often. Stop though if she asks you to. Did you talk about whether you should stay in touch or not? I would give her a call once every few weeks and send emails or texts in between. Don't let too much time pass between contacts, though you should not contact her on a daily basis, maybe once a week or so. Ask her how she is doing, ask specific questions about people and things she cares about. Show her you really care about her as a person, even if she is no longer your girlfriend.

 

Here is my caveat though: Don't do any of that unless you are sure of two things:

 

1) You are SURE that you want her back because you love her and not because you are lonely or miserable. Don't get her back only to dump her after a few weeks or months. Please don't do that to her again. Be a better man than that.

 

2) Don't stay in touch with her unless you are sure you can stand the pain of hearing about her being with another man and not wanting you anymore. No need to torture yourself. If you can't do this, I would suggest sending her a letter or email in which you tell her how you feel, that you want her back, but you don't want to interfere with her new relationship and that's why you are going to stay away. Don't tell her you are going to wait for her. Just wish her the best and that you hope she is happy.

 

Just my 2 cents, hope I could help a little.

 

Good luck!

[Bezelbaker]

Maybe a good question to ask is how many times have you 2 broken up and why did you do it each time? How long did it take you to regret it?

[nate]

Gottabestrong, I think that this is the conclusion I have come to as well. I can't just forget about her and move on because i love her. I certainly would do this is she had fallen out of love with me, but I know she hasnt. It's just like you said, shes protecting herself from further heartbrake, she freely admits this. Why the hell wouldn't she. I also wouldn't be doing this if I knew I would do this again. I actually have a mate who has an ex who wants him back, and he feels tempted, but knows he will just do it again, so he stays away. I would do exactly the same. I know that I want to change for her. It would literally be the best thing that has happened to me to have another chance.

 

And I've already stood the pain of her being with someone else. Ive actually been quite proud of myself. It does cause me pain, but I've been very mature about it and I take the reasons she did it on board completely. I think it signals change in me as a person.

 

I have broken up 5 times now including this time Bezelbaker. I have varying reasons, some get personal and stuff so would rather not go in detail. Never cheating or anything, and like I said its always been me, and always been a problem with myself I think rather than her. Every time I have been very quick to regret it. It hasn't been like I need this 'she doesn't want me' or 'time to make me miss her' to realise it was a mistake. Even when she did want me back straight away I realised they were mistakes.

[nate]

sorry Gottabestrong, I forgot, about how we left it about contacting. We didn't agree on anything concrete like that. She did say though that she would always be here for me, whatever it was for, and I said the same. I said even if it was a shoulder to cry on about another boy or something at work anything, I was there for her. I actually really meant that as well, she was my best friend after all. She said as well that she was only half an hour drive away if I needed anything. We also promised that we would tell each other how we felt, even if she had a boyfriend, or if I had a girlfriend, it wouldn't matter. I didnt have to push this out of her or anything, she just said it.

 

Whether this was just basically telling me we should just be friends, or whether this was telling me that she doesn't want no contact I don't really know. She probably doesn't know as well. I mean, I know I'm really confused about all this, but just imagine how confused she is. I think I shouldn't do NC, but shudn't push it at the same time, and just see how it goes? And when you said if she tells you to stop this, then I really would. Again, I don't actually want to do anything she doesn't want to.

[nate]

has anyone got any more opinions on this?

 

Thanks for everyone's opinions so far guys. I'm finding it hard to cope today, need some more opinions! :')

[m00nstone]

I would say give it some time. You said you're usually quick to regret breaking up with her. This time, give the break some more time. I am kind of in the same boat as your girl. After my guy basically dumped me, I told him not to call me or try to see me in order to protect myself from the same heartbreak that I went through last year and times before. It broke my heart to do this because it's the exact opposite of what I want, but he needs time to figure himself out and maybe be single for a while or maybe just grow up, and I don't want to be jerked around anymore. The extra time will give you a better chance of changing, whether for better or for worse, and to consider what your options really are.

[nate]

I think you're right moonstone, time will tell how we feel I suppose. I spoke to her on the phone tonight because I wanted to speak to her before I went away for 5 days. For no apparent reason, just wanted to speak to her. This sounds stupid but it felt like I was leaving her? ridiculous I know! And tbh, I wouldn't have felt that if I was with her. But then again I would of known she was waiting for me when I get back!

 

I don't know what I was expecting from the phone call. I think I wanted her to say she'd changed her mind, but deep down knew that wasn't going to happen, and it didn't.

 

I asked her where we stood in terms of contact though. She said that we should contact each other, not loads but not too often. And she doesn't want me to read into it if she does contact me. I can't think 'oooo she wants me back :):)' because it wouldn't be like that. She said if she felt any different at any point she would tell me. And that's all there is to it isnt it! I can't actually do anything about this. Time will only tell. Its hard to accept that I have no control over the situation, but I don't! Time will only tell whether we get back together, I can't force the situation. I'm glad we settled on contact though, I don't think NC would of worked in my situation. Maybe our contact will gradually fall though and it will end like that. But maybe it will spark things up again. Who knows. I'm not living in false hope here, but think its important that i do have some hope, just not to dwell on it and let it steer me.

 

Moonstone, I hope things work out for you. I'm sure they will, with him or without him, you just need to be happy easier said than done (tell me about it!) but its true

[m00nstone]

Being in love is similar to being insane, I think. Nothing is ridiculous. My guy is going off for six weeks to the other end of the world in a few weeks, and as much as I'm trying to squash any thoughts of talking to him being as it was ME who wanted NC, I know me, and I know that I'll pick up that phone and wish him a safe flight, at the very least.

 

It's really good that you both agreed on contacting each other and agreed on the terms. I'm starting with NC now simply because we've tried the "we'll talk to each other, just less" thing, and it'll snowball, and the vicious cycle strikes again. I cannot even begin to express how much I hate NC, so I'm taking small steps and forcing myself not to break it until Monday, at which time I'll reevaluate and convince myself to maintain it for longer if that's how I feel at the time. I would really like to think that I have control of the situation right now, but I won't have any control of anything until I get control of myself.

 

For nate and everyone: Hang in there! No matter what, July will come, as will August, September, and October. Time won't stop, so why should we? No one knows what the future will bring, but we can hope that it is better than the past, and we can do everything we can so that it is.

[hanna1973]

i did it too, i dumped him 3 times in the space of the 2 months we were together. altho i have been single for 8 yrs lol iv lost touch with relationships in a way, but i really wanted it to work with this guy.

 

each time i dumped him, it was always a hasty decision, brought on by me over analising things that were goin on in the relationship that i either felt uncomfortable with or insecure about. to always regret it within 3 days then call him up and appologise and be taken back.

 

i think its my pride, or fear of being hurt myself, so i try to do onto them before they do onto me. if i felt that they were distancing themselves for a time or just not into me as much as im into them/him.

 

it took him to finally dump me for me to realise what iv been doing all these years, no wonder im single!! but its hard, when your insecure and dont want to come accross as needy or lonely. but why did i do the complete opposite! il never know. but im seeing a councellor now to deal with it.

 

he hasnt contacted me since he dumped me, its been 2 weeks since we split but only 5 days since i stopped contact with him. i wrote him an email and told him how i felt, and why i did what i did, that i was sorry and respect him enough to give him the space he needs, that i wasnt ready then, but with the help im getting now, someday i will be ready, that id hope someday that we could be freinds but to be honest i wouldnt want to be his friend id want to be his girlfriend.

 

i think, for us 'the dumpers' its only right that if we are doing the damage that we should be the ones to grovel lol say whats in your heart, but dont make yourself look desperate etc. and let them be. i think its really all we can do right now. we did deserve it after all, and they have their pride too! at least if we ever do get back with them, we will certainly think twice before ever ending it with them again wont we!!??? and next time handle it in a more mature even if you make yourself volnerable to them, its worth it, to have a good, strong, loving relationship. after all thats what we really want isnt it?