gorgio Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 A brief summary of my situation: 2 years or so ago I got out of an intense relationship. It was a horrible breakup (I initiated the breakup) but it was obvious that we couldn't get along. I went NC (up till this day) and never looked back, even though she did come back begging a couple of times until I made it clear that there was no chance for us. I moved to a new place, got a new job and met this cool girl. But because I was just out of my last relationship I decided to take things easy. I even told the new girl that I was just out of a crazy relationship and that I need some time. I did not commit much, dated around here and there and never got close to that girl. Eventually we had an argument and broke up. Got back together and things were better but I was still not ready to commit. She fell in love with me, I am not sure I loved her, maybe I did but was not letting it out because I didn't want to get hurt again. Eventually I ended breaking up with her since I felt this was getting serious and I wasn't ready for a commitment and I realized that I will hurt her more if I stay around. She took it rough but I realized that it is the best thing for her too. We went NC. Some weeks later I missed her terribly and decided to go back to being with her. However I guess by then it was too late. We did see each other again for some time but she started seeing someone else (at the same time, I kind of knew but maybe refused to pay attention). Eventually she dumped me and went for him. Logically it makes sense since he was there for her and I was still not willing to commit. When she left I was fine at first since I realized that she deserves someone who is there for her, but a few weeks later I was devastated (was dating other girls to try to move on but it didn't help) and I tried to get her back. We got back together for a week or two (she left other guy - or so she said) and then she went back to her other guy. I guess there was too much hurt feelings on both sides (mine and hers). Just as a side note, she never talked highly of other guy, the good thing about him was that he was always there for her (willing to wait for her till she broke up with me and taking her back after she left him to go back to me). I went NC - we broke it after a month with some emails but I reinstated it, so have been in NC since. Was too emotionally draining for me to read 'I miss you but not ready yet' type of emails, especially since I know she is with someone else. Since then I have been reading a lot trying to figure out why I didn’t let myself go with her and realizing that I hurt her badly. I have a ton of regrets, but I can’t go back in time. This is what I fail to understand and I hope that a few of you can shed some light on this: - Why is it taking me so long to get over her? Has been months now and I am still devastated, can’t sleep hard to work etc. Never had it that bad ever. This makes no sense to me since I didn't open up to her. -Why can’t I give up hope to her returning to me? I know that it is irrational to hope that she will come back even though she hinted in our last emails that one day we might give it a go again 'start fresh'. But I know that she is with someone that cares about her and she probably loves by now. We had an amazing connection / friendship but I never saw her as my girlfriend / wife until the very end. Is there any logical explanation to why I am taking it that hard? Was thinking of going LC but it will kill me emotionally. Any opinions appreciated
Ronni_W Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I agree with you -- LC is only going to make this more difficult in the short-term and won't help you to fully grieve/heal in the long-term, either. - Why is it taking me so long to get over her? -Why can’t I give up hope to her returning to me? The best place you are going to get your full answers to those questions is in individual therapy -- I'd strongly recommend that you consider that. Generally. There comes a 'tipping point' -- it is not necessarily that you are still grieving the loss of this one relationship but that you have started to grieve for ALL the losses and disappointments that you've experienced...starting in childhood. The mind wants to make it about the single loss because somehow that feels like it would be "easier" to deal with and get over. Generally. Nurturing false hope that you'll get back with her is also multi-purpose: [1] The unconscious mind believes "any hope is better than none" -- that is actually a self-sabotaging (faulty) belief but it seems 'attractive' because [2] again, you don't have to start feeling your deep sadness for all those other, more significant losses. You're pinning all your sadness and hope for the love that will "save" you onto the one thing...unconsciously, it's so that you don't have to dig any deeper into yourself. Consciously, please know that your emotional healing depends on you not using faulty beliefs to stop you from doing the work that you need to do, to feel truly and permanently "better". A therapist can be of great value in your journey to self-awareness and healing. Wishing you Courage and Wisdom, and sending hugs.
TheBigCow Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 -Why can’t I give up hope to her returning to me? When I broke up with my ex 4 months ago it took me a long time (even maybe not quite there.. as someone pointed out last night ) to accept that she wasn't coming back. One thing that I think was a major contributer to this was the fact that we'd had a split in the past that I initiated and then got back together pretty quickly. You probably feel as though since its happened a lot of times in the past its not that unlikely this time. Sometimes break ups are just that much harder, hang in there, stick with NC
Author gorgio Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Ronni : rationally I totally agree with you. There is something bigger since it doesn't make sense that right when she left me I started loving her. This entire relationship was messy to begin with on both sides and for a reason. I guess I will have to take your advice - even though I keep feeling that it is her, but I rationally understand that it is not just her. I wanted to go LC so that I could be there for her, cause I was not there for her in the past, but I need to heal first. It's as if I want to undo the way I was, even if it means just being friends.
Ronni_W Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 gorgio, As you are recognizing, you are not in any shape to have a HEALTHY friendship with her...right now. So, trying for that would be an unwise strategy for the long-term. You will be better equipped, after you start your own therapy [because] it's not about her at all (it never is, even though we tell ourselves that it is.) It's ALL about YOUR OWN beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, behaviours, actions...and healing. Besides, even if you do opt for what you already know will be an unhealthy friendship, you STILL are not going to undo anything about the way you used to be, think and do in your life. Stay wise, stay strong, stay strict NC.
Author gorgio Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 gorgio, As you are recognizing, you are not in any shape to have a HEALTHY friendship with her...right now. So, trying for that would be an unwise strategy for the long-term. You will be better equipped, after you start your own therapy [because] it's not about her at all (it never is, even though we tell ourselves that it is.) It's ALL about YOUR OWN beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, behaviours, actions...and healing. Besides, even if you do opt for what you already know will be an unhealthy friendship, you STILL are not going to undo anything about the way you used to be, think and do in your life. Stay wise, stay strong, stay strict NC. I must agree with you, even though I have come a long way during the past months, have attended therapy (even though your post has probably shed more light than he ever did on the situation, maybe should replace him) and have started changing my life, investing more time in what I like to do, working less and realizing that I want a healthy relationship. I also agree that NC is good now since I am still in pain. Once I am over the pain, I will probably be able to engage in contact, if I want to at all. Thanks for your post!
Author gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 One final question - while in NC, is it better that I declare to her that I am in NC? She emailed me last, tried LC but was too hard for me to stomach. I just don't want her to think that I am being mean.
TheBigCow Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Most people will say no, contacting her for ANYTHING is just an excuse to contact her and invoke a reaction. But, if she contacts you AGAIN (don't reply to this last email), then you could politely say "I'm sorry, it is too hurtful to be in contact at the moment, I'd appreciate if you didn't email me". or something like that. Personally, I don't think you should send anything, but if you really feel compelled, make it polite and short.
Ronni_W Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 while in NC, is it better that I declare to her that I am in NC? Whether it is "better" for you to let her know depends on how you feel about just ignoring all her attempts to communicate. Some people find that difficult; feel guilty; think it is "rude". I wouldn't suggest for you to do anything that'll make you feel guilty, etc. If you do feel that the "polite" thing would be to let her know, then TBC's suggestion is a good one. Or you can say, "My therapist has advised me to go NC and, for my own healing, I've decided to trust him/her on that." It doesn't matter WHAT you say, as long as you make sure that YOU feel good about it, and that you're giving yourself what you want and need in order to heal. A reason to NOT bother telling that you've gone NC is that sometimes the other person will take that as some kind of personal challenge, and will start bombarding you with even more stupid texts and crap. To me, NC is a healing tool undertaken for the Self. Would you feel obligated to tell people every time you took a headache or antacid tablet? To me, "declaring" NC for your emotional ailment is similar to "declaring" what medication you've decided to take for a physical ailment -- you can, but you do not have to.
BearPower Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Im confused here... You broke up with someone and refused them back you met another girl? Or are you talking about the one you left with the bad breakup?
Author gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 I broke out of a bad relationship over 2 years ago, and never contacted the girl since. The new relationship is the one I am talking about, it started a few months after the first one. I don't want to ever see the girl from the first breakup since it was a bad relationship for both of us. On the other hand my last relationship was good but I failed to commit until it was too late. Hope this clarifies.
Author gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Are there any good books out there that can help me comprehend what I am going through? This is very foreign to me since I have never had something last this long this hard. I agree with Ronni - this is probably something far deeper than just the breakup and I want to try and figure this out for once. Thanks.
Author gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Any suggestions: I have never had it this bad, it's affecting my work, life ect. This is very strange since I have been over many relationships and it was never that bad. Is there some 'system' of coping with this? Maybe I should be doing more... if there is anybody out there that has been though this and managed to get over it using some sort of plan, please let me know. Thanks!!!
TheBigCow Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Unfortunately dude the plan is simple and difficult - NC + time Its hard when you're feeling like this but try to get out and do things with mates, or work on improving yourself in some way, work out or learn a language something like that. The key is to keep positive and when you have low moment to just remember that they are just that 'moments', they will pass. Post here whenever you feel the need to have an outlet or even contact one of us personally (my email is in one of the other threads - although apparently I'm not supposed to post it, its there now anyway).
Ronni_W Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Is there some 'system' of coping with this? There is no single "strategy" and there isn't even one "plan" that consolidates a set of strategies, no. It requires you to actually do a LOT of work, which can be super-challenging...as well as fun. It's taking responsibility for how you're letting it affect you; using your own desire and determination to not let it ruin the other areas of your life that are (still) working; getting yourself to the self-help section of your library or bookstore and seeing what is available; taking a meditation or stress management class; practicing the meditation or stress management techniques that you learn; getting yourself to the gym, or jogging, or walking. Enlisting professional support can be really helpful. Especially if you feel kind of aimless and "don't know where to begin", it is good to have a guide who can show you some options that are tailored to your own needs and personality. Bottom line is you have to take action to achieve your own goals to move forward. Healing is rewarding work...and it is sometimes hard work.
TheBigCow Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Another thing I've found immensely helpful (and still do ) is posting here, relating to other people, sharing my experiences, the lessons I learned along the way. Hope to hear more from you gorgio
Author gorgio Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Another thing I've found immensely helpful (and still do ) is posting here, relating to other people, sharing my experiences, the lessons I learned along the way. Hope to hear more from you gorgio I have been here 24/7 last few days. Check your email.
hopefulInFuture Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Gorgio, I don't want to sound less romantic but the best thing you can do for yourself to make yourself happier and get over this feeling of hurt is working on yourself and doing constantly what makes you happy. You make me think that you're dwelling on her 24x7. You even said you're attached to this website 24x7, well, guess what, it's not going to help you. Ever since I was born, I've been imbued this idea to look for the one to love, I was a hopeless romantic and it took many years and much reading to understand that there's no such thing as "the one" and the "perfect love" and you don't neet anyone to be happy. Your happiness comes from within yourself. She may be the right girl for you but she's not the one and before you can make anyone else happy and before you can construct a wonderful long-term relationship, YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY YOURSELF. Get out there, take up the hobbies, subscribe to courses that enhance you intellectually, emotionally and as an individual, develop stronger friendships, do things you like: travel, sport, whatever. Understand what makes you happy and become a happy person. Understand that she can't save you. You are the only one who can help yourself. Once you are strong and happy, then you can decide whether you want to let her know that you want her back. But you should not want to do this only because you are desperate. And who knows, maybe, once you are so strong and happy, she will die for you ... or you'll meet a fresh new person who will be happy to be with you and whom you will love.
Author gorgio Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 HopefulInFuture : I totally agree with you, I am a very happy person and have lots of hobbies / passions etc. My life is usually focused around me and this breakup has taught me to start letting someone else in. It has also made me focus more on what I like doing, but the thing that's really killing me in this break up is that I messed up what could have been a great relationship. I think that it just hurts to know that I destroyed something without intending to. I know many people here would tell me not to take the blame, but overall she was ready and I wasn't. Maybe it's just timing. I am much better today and this website has helped me a ton
hopefulInFuture Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 then... send her a letter telling her that you are sorry for having her caused all that pain. That you thank her for giving you the time you needed to recover and understand what is important for you. That several months without her made you understand that she's what you want and that you're ready to commit. That you respect the fact that she is in another relationship and probably very happy. But if she ever needs you you will be there for her as a friend and even more if this is what she will ever want.
Author gorgio Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 then... send her a letter telling her that you are sorry for having her caused all that pain. That you thank her for giving you the time you needed to recover and understand what is important for you. That several months without her made you understand that she's what you want and that you're ready to commit. That you respect the fact that she is in another relationship and probably very happy. But if she ever needs you you will be there for her as a friend and even more if this is what she will ever want. I am in NC now - this will have to wait till I get better, still too weak.
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