beyondsad Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 At 9 months since discovering his A and a yr from when they started I have become indifferent. I faught so hard to make it work (he has too) and now I am just blah. Sometimes I feel I am trying to push him away. I have a hard time showing affection to him and I prefer my time alone to with him. I am starting to question if staying together was the right one. For someone who has always had a goal or a plan I seem to be just coasting at this point. Did any of you go thru this? I have been on a low dose of AD for the past 7 months and they have helped alot. When I tryed going off the anger and bitterness bubbled up so I restarted. I love being a wife and mother and feel that taking care of my family is the most important thing. I have a great job and my health but this entire infidelity episode has just worn me out!! I want that carefree peson back that always just felt so lucky in life!!!
Reggie Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I've heard this stage referred to as "the plain of lethal flatness". apparently, it is pretty common. Sometimes it ends and one gets enthused about continuing in the marriage. Other times, it is a way of getting oneself to a place where a less emotional decision can be made about future prospects. I think the stats on survivla post infidelity say about 30% remain married. My own counselor, who deals with this a lot, says it is more like 10%. So, maybe continuing is not the best option. The initial shock, panic and anger have abated some. Now, you need to start looking at whether your H is really right for you and whether he has denatured the marriage so much it cannot be recovered. If you are like most people, it is probably over.
Author beyondsad Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 He did. I was totally blindsided thinking that we had a great life etc. He wouldn't walk away and has had NC since and has done everything to recover. My indifference is coming from me. He asks what can he do and I just tell him I don't know. We do date night , spend quality time together and with the teenagers, MC - BUT there is just this wall up for me . I just don't trust him anymore and feel like I am on a hightened state of alert for something bad to happen again. It was so out of character for him to cheat - I really use to say to myself how lucky I was to have such a good husband and now I just feel like it was all a lie the past 14 yrs. These feelings of sadness are different than the past 9 months of emotions I have experienced. He tells me he loves me and I tell him back but it just feels different. I just don't know why he would want to stay married now when before when he was seeing her I was happy every day kissing his ass always up for anything and just so carefree. Now I think I am just blah- it is perplexing.
2sure Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 It has been a little over 2 years since I discovered my H's infidelity. We have come far and these days, I can honestly say that I never thought I would be really happy with the marriage again - but I am. We/He did everything right as far as recovery repair of our marriage. But still, many many days I would feel like I should trust him but I didnt 100% I still felt robbed. Many times I would check his communications, knowing I would find nothing, but still being unhappy that I felt the need to check. Eventually something changed. I realized that it was no longer HIM I didnt trust. It was me - I didnt trust my own judgment, of him. There wasn't any more he could do, the rest was up to me. I decided 6 months ago, to just kind of give it up. I decided to trust. Him and my judgment. When negative thoughts and feelings came up, I push them aside. My H and I have both learned plenty about ourselves from this crisis. I learned that I was pretty damn strong. That knowledge has given me confidence to know that no matter what happens in the future....I will be OK. That thought alone has relieved so much of my anxiety and fear. Nobody knows what the future may bring. Marriages suffer crisis. Will it happen again? Maybe. It could happen in any marriage. Regardless, the rug will not be pulled from beneath me. Anyway - sorry so long. The thing is, I feel like we are back to where we were before the infidelity, but now we are more prepared to care for our marriage.
65tr6 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I just don't know why he would want to stay married now . beyond, our timelines almost match...except my wife is the culprit in our case...she said the same thing as you did.. You think you are saying that because you feel you cannot change or move forward after what your husband has done to you and your family ? Have you forgiven him ?
Gamine Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 He did. I was totally blindsided thinking that we had a great life etc. He wouldn't walk away and has had NC since and has done everything to recover. My indifference is coming from me. He asks what can he do and I just tell him I don't know. We do date night , spend quality time together and with the teenagers, MC - BUT there is just this wall up for me . I just don't trust him anymore and feel like I am on a hightened state of alert for something bad to happen again. It was so out of character for him to cheat - I really use to say to myself how lucky I was to have such a good husband and now I just feel like it was all a lie the past 14 yrs. These feelings of sadness are different than the past 9 months of emotions I have experienced. He tells me he loves me and I tell him back but it just feels different. I just don't know why he would want to stay married now when before when he was seeing her I was happy every day kissing his ass always up for anything and just so carefree. Now I think I am just blah- it is perplexing. I could have written your post. You have summarized my entire state of being since the discovery of my husbands infidelity one year ago. Like you, there is this wall and the ever present feeling of being on guard to protect myself from the eventuality of learning something devastating. I am also dealing with strong feelings of enduring resentment that seem to grow towards him. He decided that screwing around meant more to him than us. In the simplest of terms he made a decision last year.... and now, wants to pretend that it wasn't a choice at all... just a 'mistake'. But was it? Was it really just a 'mistake'? I have anger and resentment towards him for disgracing our home and turning it into a sideshow. It has become dark and dirty when it used to be light and passionate. He begs me to stay, but soon I may not even be able to... even out of kindness and love. He jumps through hoops of burning fire to reach my heart and... quite frankly... I feel as if I've checked out. I have told him to go be with her... and wonder why he doesn't want to. After all, if it was such a tantalizing bit of sweetness sufficient for him to cheat on me and break his marriage vow then why the heck isn't she good enough to have a life with? It simply doesn't make sense at all. He tells me that he is repulsed by himself and what he did and that he wants nothing to do with her. Pretty strange. She was worth chucking our marriage out the door, but not worth making a life with? Now, no matter what he does I'm unreachable.
Snowflower Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I think this is common for BS to go through this stage. You are reevaluating your marriage, which is a good, healthy thing to do. It probably means that you are healing enough to look at your marriage more objectively. I have been doing some reading about this stage in the marital recovery process after infidelity or any major betrayal. Basically you have to examine your feelings and ask yourself three questions: 1. Do you feel better today than you did say, a month after d-day? Meaning, is the hurt at least a little less intense? Can you go for at least short periods of time where you don't think about what happened, and if you do think about it you can look at it with a calmer perspective. In other words, do you feel like you are healing at all as time passes? 2. Do you feel that you have it in you to slowly, eventually forgive your spouse? 3. Is your spouse actively working to regain your trust, and doing whatever he/she can to recommit to your marriage? None of these answers come easy and it will take a lot of time. But if you feel that time is slowly healing your wounds, then your marriage has a chance. Give it time and don't listen to the grim statistics that less than 30% of marriages successfully recover after infidelity. You know what they say, there are lies, damn lies and then there are statistics! Good luck!
Author beyondsad Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Time is what I keep saying to myself. His infidelity changed our entire life and I just haven't come to terms with how unfair it is. I just seem to have this nagging feeling in my gut that this can't be how my life is going to play out. I am feeling better, I am laughing again and on the outside I think I look like nothing bothers me but it is just there a part of me that wants to scratch his eyes out still. I love when I get a comment from one of the girls " I don't know how you can deal with this - I would kick his ass out". Because I was one of those girls and now I am just a wife whose husband cheated on her. WTF.
hopereys Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 At 9 months since discovering his A and a yr from when they started I have become indifferent. I faught so hard to make it work (he has too) and now I am just blah. Sometimes I feel I am trying to push him away. I have a hard time showing affection to him and I prefer my time alone to with him. I am starting to question if staying together was the right one. For someone who has always had a goal or a plan I seem to be just coasting at this point. Did any of you go thru this? I have been on a low dose of AD for the past 7 months and they have helped alot. When I tryed going off the anger and bitterness bubbled up so I restarted. I love being a wife and mother and feel that taking care of my family is the most important thing. I have a great job and my health but this entire infidelity episode has just worn me out!! I want that carefree peson back that always just felt so lucky in life!!! Wow does your story and how you are feeling sound very similiar to mine and how I feel. It too has been nine months since I found out about my husbands affair. My husband wants more then anything to make the marriage work and so do I but it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I see the world totally different then I did before his A. I to am on AD and if I have missed a few I have a constant stomach ache and get very angry. I wish I had some advice or answers but I don't. I can only agree with you and hope for you and I in time we will again be happy, full of life, and fulfilled. I wish you the very best.
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