Author pandagirl Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 I thought you guys didn't have sex before The Talk. Oh sorry, that was a typo! I'll go back and edit. This all happened AFTER the talk.
Jilly Bean Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm also glad to see some who claim they'd run the other way - like JB - have a change of heart, and be happy for you. If you're talking about me - please don't speak FOR me. I'd still NOT date someone with herpes - doesn't mean I'm not happy it is working out for PG.
neowulf Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Much respect Pandagirl. It's refreshing to see someone take responsiblity and be respectful to her partner the way you have. It's never an easy thing. I've taken to getting a full STD screen after each of my relationships so I can be reasonably sure of a clean slate before starting again.
Author pandagirl Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 I think it's really nice that people think I've done a great thing, but really, I haven't done anything extraordinary. I've always been an honest person and tried to do what's right. Telling this guy that I have herpes was, never in my mind, something I wouldn't do.
DarkestDreams Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 It might not be extraordinary, but it's admirable nonetheless. His reaction speaks volumes about what kind of person he is. I'm glad you have a good thing going on there As far as the sleeping over is concerned, maybe it's because he was supposed to be at work the next morning and would prefer to do his normal morning routine at his own place? I know I'm that way.
Author pandagirl Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Nah, he just said it's something he isn't comfortable with yet. He said he didn't know me very well yet and he'd be worried about waking me up and he wouldn't be able to sleep. I'm the same way though! It's great that he is accepting of me, but it doesn't indicate that our relationship will be successful! haha.
Jilly Bean Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Two thing happened before The Talk, that I was a little surprised by: 1. This guy orgasms VERY, VERY LOUDLY. Like, to the point that I was taken aback. Most guys I've been with barely make a sound or very little noise. This guy was yelling, grunting, moaning, convulsing -- I mean, he was really putting on a show. I didn't know when he was going to stop! I didn't know a guy could even come like that. 2. He is very cuddly and affectionate, but as we were laying in bed and it was getting late, I was tired so I asked him if he was going to sleepover. And he was like, "No, I'm going to go." I was a bit off out, but not a lot, and he said: "honestly, sleeping over is something that occurs for me at a later stage of dating." Fair enough. But I feel like a 33-year-old man who says this has some emotional intimacy issues??? I don't see the big deal in sleeping over. Oh, I am so loud in bed, that when I'm done, the whole neighborhood smokes a cigarette, so to me, a guy who is loud is HOT. But I hear ya - porno loud can be funny and a wee distracting. I do find his lack of desire to sleep over a little odd, but also not that unusual for a guy at this stage of dating. If anything, it would make me feel like maybe establishing that if you start having sex, then the expectation is that he spends the night.
Author pandagirl Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Oh, I am so loud in bed, that when I'm done, the whole neighborhood smokes a cigarette, so to me, a guy who is loud is HOT. But I hear ya - porno loud can be funny and a wee distracting. I do find his lack of desire to sleep over a little odd, but also not that unusual for a guy at this stage of dating. If anything, it would make me feel like maybe establishing that if you start having sex, then the expectation is that he spends the night. HA! Loud is good, but man -- I thought there was a dying animal in my bed at some points! The fact that he didn't sleep over is fine. But he did add, that if it were a weekend night, then he would probably stay over. Just remembered that bit. One more thing, there was a lot of unprotected contact. In the back of my head, I told myself this wasn't really safe and that I should stop it, but we both got carried away. I woke up this morning feeling a bit bad about it, but at the same time, I told him about all the risks prior. Am I in the wrong? Or is he an adult who can make his own risky decisions?
boldjack Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 PG, many guys are ready for sexual intimacy before they are ready for emotional intimacy. I know, it's crazy. To stay the night is to be a "couple", maybe your guy isnt' there yet.
Cherished Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Yah, I agree with Boldjack, you slept with him too soon. 4th date really is too soon if you see him as relationship material. You're already feeling insecure about it and he's already telling you "it's too soon" meaning "I'm not in yet" If you had waited to have sexual intimacy and gotten to know each other better (you admit that 'you don't know each other that well') and formed a relationship, he would want to stay the night and would have no doubts. But now you have given it up to him before anything was developed and it's going to burn out quickly.
Jilly Bean Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 HA! Loud is good, but man -- I thought there was a dying animal in my bed at some points! The fact that he didn't sleep over is fine. But he did add, that if it were a weekend night, then he would probably stay over. Just remembered that bit. One more thing, there was a lot of unprotected contact. In the back of my head, I told myself this wasn't really safe and that I should stop it, but we both got carried away. I woke up this morning feeling a bit bad about it, but at the same time, I told him about all the risks prior. Am I in the wrong? Or is he an adult who can make his own risky decisions? Oh, that's funny. I once had sex with an Italian dancer who was SO loud, I thought he cracked my crystal. lol Well, the weekend night addition changes it. I understand that. He probably needed a good nights sleep on a school night. As for the last question, gosh, tough one. You DID tell him, he IS aware of the situation, he DOES know the risks. So, you are covered certainly. I would have a conversation about it with him next time you chat, and get his feelings on it. I would let him know it made you uncomfortable, as you don't want to feel responsible for anything potentially happening to him...
dunstable Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Herpes wouldn't bother me too much. Most people have it whether they show symptoms or not. I think you said he gets cold sores so he has HSV1 at least and that will give complete immunity if you have HSV1 and maybe some cross immunity if you have HSV2 (do you know what type you have?). Even if you have HSV2 and he only has HSV1, the risk for him is small if you don't have sex during an outbreak. I guess the risks one will take depend on how much one loves someone. I find him not spending the night after sex worrisome. Whenever I have sex, the most delicious thing is to fall asleep with my woman. He sounds a great guy but maybe not as serious as you about the relationship? Heck, I would sleep over even if not in love as it's such a delightful thing to do. I just don't understand him wanting to get up and leave.
brokenglass Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 pandagirl, so awesome to hear that he took it well and doesn't seem to be bothered by it, especially after all the dating you've done thus far. I do have a question for you and if you mentioned this above I apologize. How many men have you told that you've dated, and how many of them were accepting/not accepting? The only reason I ask is...I'm finding that for a woman, (at least with my experiences with my ex and I) that when a good looking woman tells this to a man, he treats it as if she has a cold or an ugly scar on her face and everything is all hunky dory. However, when a man admits it to a woman, she treats him as if he has AIDS and sometimes will literally look at you in horror and run for the front door screaming something about you being a diseased human being, even girls you've dated for a little bit that seem to have their heads on straight. Sometimes they'll even message your female friends on MySpace and Facebook to tell them all about your little secret.... But yeah I was just curious if you've found any trouble in that department. Other than that, I really am happy to hear that he took it so well and apparently was very informed.
Author pandagirl Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Yah, I agree with Boldjack, you slept with him too soon. 4th date really is too soon if you see him as relationship material. You're already feeling insecure about it and he's already telling you "it's too soon" meaning "I'm not in yet" If you had waited to have sexual intimacy and gotten to know each other better (you admit that 'you don't know each other that well') and formed a relationship, he would want to stay the night and would have no doubts. But now you have given it up to him before anything was developed and it's going to burn out quickly. Hold the phone -- I did NOT have sex with him. Well, we had oral sex, but not intercourse. I meant that there was a lot of "rubbing" going on.
Author pandagirl Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Well, the weekend night addition changes it. I understand that. He probably needed a good nights sleep on a school night. I think he actually had a Dr's appt in the morning and had to wake-up early. But really, the main point is he said he doesn't sleepover until a "later phase" of dating. I'm not bothered by it anymore. Herpes wouldn't bother me too much. Most people have it whether they show symptoms or not. I think you said he gets cold sores so he has HSV1 at least and that will give complete immunity if you have HSV1 and maybe some cross immunity if you have HSV2 (do you know what type you have?). Even if you have HSV2 and he only has HSV1, the risk for him is small if you don't have sex during an outbreak. I guess the risks one will take depend on how much one loves someone. I have HSV2 and did not test of HSV1. He did say he got coldsores as a kid, so that will probably provide some immunity to HSV2. I do have a question for you and if you mentioned this above I apologize. How many men have you told that you've dated, and how many of them were accepting/not accepting? I've only ever told two people I've dated. Both have been totally fine with it. I also told an ex-boyfriend of mine I had it (there was no risk of him having contracted it from me, but I wanted his advice on the situation), and he said: "A 1% chance of getting it? Hell, that's nothing. No big deal." In addition to that, I'm very open about having it to my friends. Most of my friends know I have it, and they're extremely supportive and tell me how it's not a big deal at all. The key is just to be educated about it.
Cherished Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 You are not really knowledgeable on the topic and it is a big deal. Pandagirl herself already has the association with it being "bad" because she justifies it by the fact that she got it from a "cheater." Herpes wouldn't bother me too much. Most people have it whether they show symptoms or not. I think you said he gets cold sores so he has HSV1 at least and that will give complete immunity if you have HSV1 and maybe some cross immunity if you have HSV2 (do you know what type you have?). Even if you have HSV2 and he only has HSV1, the risk for him is small if you don't have sex during an outbreak. I guess the risks one will take depend on how much one loves someone. I find him not spending the night after sex worrisome. Whenever I have sex, the most delicious thing is to fall asleep with my woman. He sounds a great guy but maybe not as serious as you about the relationship? Heck, I would sleep over even if not in love as it's such a delightful thing to do. I just don't understand him wanting to get up and leave.
Author pandagirl Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 You are not really knowledgeable on the topic and it is a big deal. Pandagirl herself already has the association with it being "bad" because she justifies it by the fact that she got it from a "cheater." Er... I'm not trying to justify anything -- it's just what happened. And I don't think view herpes as a good OR bad thing. It just is what it is. It's what I make of it.
Trialbyfire Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 pandagirl, I'm glad that you told him and he told you about himself. Now that this uncomfortable issue is out of the way, let's see how this progresses. My fingers are crossed for you!
Cherished Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Well, you yourself are "justifying" it by saying "Oh I'm NOT bad, but my boyfriend was....he was a cheater." So you do have a stigma attached to it in your head.
Author pandagirl Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Well, you yourself are "justifying" it by saying "Oh I'm NOT bad, but my boyfriend was....he was a cheater." So you do have a stigma attached to it in your head. This is what happened. It is a fact. That's how I got it. I don't see why you are trying to make it something it isn't. *shrugs* TBF -- thanks!
zicke Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Well, you yourself are "justifying" it by saying "Oh I'm NOT bad, but my boyfriend was....he was a cheater." So you do have a stigma attached to it in your head. Cherished, get a life and stop trying to make Pandagirl feel bad about herself. Seriously. And, there is always a stigma attached to an STD, regardless of how someone got it. And they always got it from someone else. It's not like Panda invented it and is intent on spreading it to the rest of the population. Panda, I am proud of you, it must have been hard to bring something like that up with someone you just started dating, I admire your courage and morals.
Cherished Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Why did you think that you knew this guy so well enough to give him a blow job? That is the same as having sex, it is even more intimate. He is not going to have respect for you because you feel like you have to pleasure him in order to keep interest, and he doesn't have to do much for you to do that and cater to him. I would think about this. Don't give it away, like I said. It won't work.
boldjack Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Cherished, I don't think that PG gave anything away that the guy didn't reciprocate. She gave him a BJ and he ate her Pu**Y, sounds like an even trade to me. And if they have had four dates perhaps the mood was on them. That they didn't have intercourse, shows that they had control.
Author pandagirl Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Cherished: I agree that sex should entail mutual respect, but you're making it seem like I'm some sort of stupid whore??? Also, since that night, he's been contacting me everyday. So, I'd say he is still interested. I don't use sex as a bartering tool for "respect," most people give that to me once they know me any way. I earn it by simply being myself and the way I live my life in actions and words -- not blow jobs.
dunstable Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 You are not really knowledgeable on the topic and it is a big deal. Cherished, I didn't say it wasn't a big deal. You are putting words in my mouth. Whether it's a big deal or not depends on the frequency and severity of the symptoms and on mental attitudes (self and partners) to it. You are wrong to say I am not really knowledgeable on the subject because I have HSV myself (type 1) and have also read extensively about it. I only ever had one outbreak and that was one small painless sore on the penis 15 years ago shortly after receiving oral sex in a new relationship -- for me it has not been a big deal, for others it may be. Pandagirl herself already has the association with it being "bad" because she justifies it by the fact that she got it from a "cheater." I suppose by "bad" you again mean "a big deal". I think you are reading too much into that one word "cheater". PG has already said she doesn't see the disease as either bad or good. The most faithful of persons can catch an STD and pass it to someone else. So let's not apply emotive labels either to the disease or the people who have it. Herpes is very common and what with the prevalence of chlamydia and HPV, I bet there is hardly a sexually active person around who doesn't catch something or other at some time in their life. People are subject to many misfortunes in their lives and an STD is not necessarily the worst that can happen.
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