asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I've been dating a girl for 3 months, the situation is driving me absolutely ape-**** crazy, and the simple reason is that I've begun falling for her while I know the feeling isn't mutual. Question: How do I scale things back, or am I doomed? She definitely likes me, as she's gone out on several dates with me, we always have a really good time, we have good physical chemistry (no sex; lots of making out and holding hands), etc. But we are not boyfriend-girlfriend, and it is definitely not a "relationship". I assume she is dating other people, and I certainly am dating other girls... except I'm only doing that in my desperate attempt to scale my feelings back. The fact is that I want her. I don't know if she wants me as badly, but let's just assume that she's simply "interested" and isn't in the "want him badly" stage. I am totally ruined by the anxiety as of right now. I never know if she will go out with me again, and am elated when I ask her out and she says yes. I will send her a casual email to say hi, and if she takes a few days to write me back, I go absolutely crazy with the stress of wondering if she's blowing me off. I've been able to play it cool on our dates so far, so she has no idea that I feel this way. But how long can I sustain this act? I am determined to do so, because I know that's what I NEED to do if I'm to eventually wind up with her. But how!?
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm not sure how you can dial back your own feelings. But after 3 months, I'm wondering - have you considered talking to her about how she feels? It seem natural after 3 months of dating, that you might be want to have a discussion about being exclusive etc.
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 If you want to date her exclusively, tell her. If she's not on the same page, move on. Three months is plenty of time to know this person well enough to know if there is mutual attraction, interest and chemistry. Do not deny your feelings.
Samari Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm personally kind of a straight-forward kind of guy. After a while I want to established whether I'm with the girl or not. If the girl doesn't feel like getting into a relationship fine, but I would just have to move on at that point. I know these kind of things can be complicated, but I really think establishing what your bond you have with this girl is important just so you don't set yourself up for disappointment later on and/or no one's feelings get burned in the process. I mean I don't have anything against the "friends with benefits" routine, but if you really like this person, you should tell her where you stand.
colosseum Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm not sure how you can dial back your own feelings. But after 3 months, I'm wondering - have you considered talking to her about how she feels? It seem natural after 3 months of dating, that you might be want to have a discussion about being exclusive etc. If you want to date her exclusively, tell her. If she's not on the same page, move on. Three months is plenty of time to know this person well enough to know if there is mutual attraction, interest and chemistry. Do not deny your feelings. Yeah, 3 months? How often do you see her? I say you listen to carhill and Girlygirl both, and just be honest with her. Say what you want to say; you don't ever want to end up wondering "what if". Update us, and good luck!
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 I don't see her that often (sometimes once a week; sometimes every 2 weeks or so), and she's kept her distance from me when we're not actually on dates. She's kind of a strange cat and has directly told me that she takes a long time to commit to people, due in part to being burned in a relationship many years ago, so I told her then that I understood and would be patient with the situation. I would have no problem telling her exactly how I feel, but in my judgement she will simply get scared off and it will not work. I wish now I had just been more guarded in my feelings as I think she has been in hers.
Samari Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I don't see her that often (sometimes once a week; sometimes every 2 weeks or so), and she's kept her distance from me when we're not actually on dates. She's kind of a strange cat and has directly told me that she takes a long time to commit to people, due in part to being burned in a relationship many years ago, so I told her then that I understood and would be patient with the situation. I would have no problem telling her exactly how I feel, but in my judgement she will simply get scared off and it will not work. I wish now I had just been more guarded in my feelings as I think she has been in hers. Wow you are really bending over backwards for this girl. I mean I'm patient too, but there is a limit. I've been in the same situation before and I just had to end it because she was too indecisive on whether we were going to move forward or not.
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Wow you are really bending over backwards for this girl. I mean I'm patient too, but there is a limit. I've been in the same situation before and I just had to end it because she was too indecisive on whether we were going to move forward or not. Yes. I am. Like I said, I want her. I am a (probably unjustifiably) very picky guy and have not been truly interested in any girl I've dated in 3 years of singledom. And I've gone out on a moderate number of dates during that time. This one caught my attention from the beginning.
BlueEyedGirl Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Yes. I am. Like I said, I want her. I am a (probably unjustifiably) very picky guy and have not been truly interested in any girl I've dated in 3 years of singledom. And I've gone out on a moderate number of dates during that time. This one caught my attention from the beginning. Is she very attractive? What it is about her that you like?
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Yes, she's very attractive. But unlike other merely attractive girls I've dated, she's also intelligent, has a stable career of her own, has a lot in common with me, and just has her life very much in order. She has all the right characteristics that I look for in a woman. But on top of that, she just turns me on.
lino Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I don't think it's possible to do. She probably already knows how you feel too, I reckon girls can sense that.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Yes, she's very attractive. But unlike other merely attractive girls I've dated, she's also intelligent, has a stable career of her own, has a lot in common with me, and just has her life very much in order. She has all the right characteristics that I look for in a woman. But on top of that, she just turns me on. Those are all wonderful things, but the ultimate problem is she may not feel the same. It seems that may be the case - which would then translate into a no-go. You would need to let go - but have an honest talk. 3 months and 1x a week to every 2 weeks doesn't suggest much interest on her part. I'm sorry to say that but I also think you should do a discussion and then prepare to let go. Any girl who is really interested would have come around by now and naturally escalated the response time to your contact and meetings.
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Those are all wonderful things, but the ultimate problem is she may not feel the same. It seems that may be the case - which would then translate into a no-go. You would need to let go - but have an honest talk. 3 months and 1x a week to every 2 weeks doesn't suggest much interest on her part. I'm sorry to say that but I also think you should do a discussion and then prepare to let go. Any girl who is really interested would have come around by now and naturally escalated the response time to your contact and meetings. I'm preparing to let her go. I may call her tonight and have come to Jesus talk that ends it all. I am majorly bummed.
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 IMO, better to have that 'talk' in person Then I'll have to wait for about a week to do so, as she's out of town this weekend, and I'm out of town this week and am not flying into town until tonight. Either way, this sucks. it seemed to go so well on our dates. Our kisses were spine tingling.
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 This is why it's so much healthier to discuss important relationship (platonic or romantic) issues in person. Regardless of the outcome, the impression and discourse will be global, with all lines of communication (speech, eye contact, body language, expression, etc) in play. It's an impression which is burned into emotional memory. It indicates the value of your interest and the seriousness of your intent. It is the opposite of casual. I assume that accurately reflects your feelings here.
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 This is why it's so much healthier to discuss important relationship (platonic or romantic) issues in person. Regardless of the outcome, the impression and discourse will be global, with all lines of communication (speech, eye contact, body language, expression, etc) in play. It's an impression which is burned into emotional memory. It indicates the value of your interest and the seriousness of your intent. It is the opposite of casual. I assume that accurately reflects your feelings here. The last time we talked was in person on a date, 2 weeks ago. We had a pretty good, intense, open conversation about relationships and ours in particular, and I came away from it feeling really good about how open we were with another. Are you guys sure I need to call this off? I am torn.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 The last time we talked was in person on a date, 2 weeks ago. We had a pretty good, intense, open conversation about relationships and ours in particular, and I came away from it feeling really good about how open we were with another. Are you guys sure I need to call this off? I am torn. Well we are saying you need to have a candid talk about where this is going. You had a date 2 weeks ago and best chance you have is another date in 2 weeks. These are the facts - after 3 months of dating, you are barely dating. You need to have a frank talk as generally thinks should be picking up as far as frequence etc.
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Your OP indicates you appear to not be satisfied with the current dynamic. Do you want more intimacy and exclusivity than you currently experience? Does she know that, and the consequences for those desires not being met? Remember, everything in life, other than death, is a choice. What does she choose? You? Food for talk
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Your OP indicates you appear to not be satisfied with the current dynamic. Do you want more intimacy and exclusivity than you currently experience? Does she know that, and the consequences for those desires not being met? Remember, everything in life, other than death, is a choice. What does she choose? You? Food for talk All good points. I don't even want exclusivity from her yet. I just want to be on a path to it, by knowing that she actually is interested in me. It's not being sure of that fundamental question that's driving me crazy. I can deal with giving her space and keeping my own space too. I am in no rush. I just... Want her, eventually, as long-term material. And she's said she's dating for that same purpose also.
Samari Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Yes. I am. Like I said, I want her. I am a (probably unjustifiably) very picky guy and have not been truly interested in any girl I've dated in 3 years of singledom. And I've gone out on a moderate number of dates during that time. This one caught my attention from the beginning. So you are just going to wait around forever? Well in any case, I just hope you are making yourself available to other girls. You might find someone just like this person who will actually be more decisive in terms of what she wants and not keep you in limbo.
BCCA Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Here are the two biggest red flags I see: 1. After 3 months, no sex. I know we as guys would like to believe that all women are catholic school girls who never think of sex or have urges, but thats not the case. I know many, many single girls at work and near my house, and they need to get laid almost as much as we do. I'm guessing she's either gotten her fix elsewhere, or has a booty call. 2. After 3 months, your relationship seems to have remained the same. See her a few times a month, she keeps her distance otherwise. Honestly, I think youre her 'Im bored' outlet. Women usually get very interested in what youre doing, where you are, etc after dating that long, while this girl doesnt seem to care if youre out having orgies and smoking meth when shes not around. I would ask her for a straight forward answer, but be prepared for bad news. You are teetering on the edge of the friendzone (if not in it) IMHO. No sex after 3 months? Just doesnt seem good.
Author asuman Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Here are the two biggest red flags I see: 1. After 3 months, no sex. I know we as guys would like to believe that all women are catholic school girls who never think of sex or have urges, but thats not the case. I know many, many single girls at work and near my house, and they need to get laid almost as much as we do. I'm guessing she's either gotten her fix elsewhere, or has a booty call. 2. After 3 months, your relationship seems to have remained the same. See her a few times a month, she keeps her distance otherwise. Honestly, I think youre her 'Im bored' outlet. Women usually get very interested in what youre doing, where you are, etc after dating that long, while this girl doesnt seem to care if youre out having orgies and smoking meth when shes not around. I would ask her for a straight forward answer, but be prepared for bad news. You are teetering on the edge of the friendzone (if not in it) IMHO. No sex after 3 months? Just doesnt seem good. Disagree on 2 points, agree on the others. The best relationships I've had started slowly. I'm not one to push for sex ASAP unless all I really want to do is have sex with her. I don't have sex with people I don't have some emotional connection to (unless the girl really wants to rape me, in which case I'm happy to oblige). Also pretty confident I'm not in the friend zone. Our make out sessions are too hot for that. Something else is going on, and it may simply be lack of interest.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 The dynamic is very imbalanced where you will do anything it seems to make her happy but I don't get the sense of the opposite. It sounds like you are at her mercy. Anyway - have a chat and I really recommend in person. Why does it only have to be on the weekend?
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