fabulous_chk Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I know my Soul Bear, he will be good with the NC from now on!
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Wow, Lucky. You're insightful. And no, that's not sarcasm. Are you sure you went through everything we all went through, though? Sometimes it's hard to see that but it makes sense. You're all happy and caught up on being completely over him and all. But did you really go through all those horrifying feelings we're going through? The instability? The intense suicidal thoughts? The feelings of loss, fear, EVERYTHING?
CaliGuy Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I dont know what has happened today, I have had this overwhelming urge to break NC, i have controlled myself for 13 hours, but I snapped at 1am. I sent an email, and I got a reply. Clearly you don't understand how absolutely serious I am about this. It's too late SoulBear. I've long since moved on. I had no freedom in our relationship. None at all. "I" had pretty much ceased to exist. I had become a "we" (at your insistence, might I add). Look I'm sure you have learned an awful lot but after all I've been through I just have no desire whatsoever to give things another go. I changed plenty over the course of our relationship, you barely changed at all. It was so easy for me, leaving you this time. As simple as open the cage door and out I fly. I have felt incredible ever since, rediscovering my precious freedom. I know you've heard all this before but feel it necessary to reiterate it cos you clearly don't understand that because of this I could not have those kind of feelings for you again. If this all sounds like I'm being harsh, then again its cos I feel I have to be in order for you to get the message. And cos it's the god honest truth. I do not want to be with you. Accept and move on. It's all you can do here. It's over, we're done. I'm gone. I guess I needed that. Its a shame she has to be so ****ing nasty about it. And there was me thinking 'Im so strong with my NC'',,,,what a joke. Take what i say with a pinch of salt Remember what I said? If they really want you, neither hell nor high water will stop them from finding you. She wasn't contacting you. That was a big hint... Sorry man. Sometimes we all need to break NC to get the message.
Steadfast Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 You'll be OK. So you caved? Big deal. You probably had to, and more than once too. So did I. More than twice! Again, that's OK because we're all different and each of us must find their own center. As hard as it might sound, a BIG part of moving forward is ACCEPTING. Once you're down with that, it is amazing how quickly you heal. CaliGuy's statement has become my new mantra: "If she wanted to be with me, she would." She doesn't. Now, I'm about three inches from being in the same place.
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 OP, it wasn't your best day. Tomorrow will be better Remember, one day at a time....
t0ri Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 It's alright Soul! We all break NC at some point or another. I'm sure her email killed any glimmer of hope you had left lingering around, which is a good thing. Hopefully it'll help you to never break NC again. The slap in the face hurts, but it's your reality check. I'm right there with you, friend! My ex gave me my last one by telling me he wanted me out of his life forever after I had only one (big) break in NC. That was shocking, but exactly what I needed to hear.
Author Soul Bear Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 /i have to say that today, i feel like crap. It was exactly what i needed to hear, but oh boy does it hurt like hell. I guess that its really over now, I can stop wishing and I can stop hoping as its clear as a bell that she is OVER me 100% with no regrets and is happy....totally happy. Really really sad..........
redy2 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I know its harsher and no one wants to hear or read something like that. thats so cold. but isnt it a measure of finality? i mean id rather hear that how unpleasant it is than for someone not to give you an answer or try and string you along and back burner you. where you feel like your in limbo unable to move on. my ex havent seen for 2 weeks she called once and texted me a few times. but she found time to call me when she ran out of gas and wanted money. so id prefer the slam in the face of something like you got to help me move on. than my wishy washy ex.
Author Soul Bear Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 I would preffer your wishy washy ex! A slam in the face is a huge insult to the 5 years we lived together... Its made me feel absolutely worthless
darksky Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I guess I needed that. Its a shame she has to be so ****ing nasty about it. Doesn't sound like she's being nasty to me.. shes being truthful, which is something that would help you out more than a sugar-coated email about how she misses you when she doesn't. Its harsh, im not denying that, but all the same it should make you feel better that you've being going no contact, at least you havn't been wasting your time on her when she has moved on. Either way a response like that is hard to take but as you said, you probably needed it! Keep strong, keep NC and stick to it this time, you dont want to know the truth until you no longer care about it. ~Darksky
Lucky555 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Wow, Lucky. You're insightful. And no, that's not sarcasm. Are you sure you went through everything we all went through, though? Sometimes it's hard to see that but it makes sense. You're all happy and caught up on being completely over him and all. But did you really go through all those horrifying feelings we're going through? The instability? The intense suicidal thoughts? The feelings of loss, fear, EVERYTHING? I never had suicidal thoughts. I always kept myself moving ahead, even though my feet felt like concrete. Even dating wise, I was scared to even go out on a date because that would mean "it was truly over" and I would have to acknowledge it. In the initial part I was sad about the fact I was moving on but i didn't want to. It was a tug of war, but i kept moving. The fear and loss were there. Like i said I had thought every guy that i would date would leave, because I thought I was not good enough (my self esteem fell). I thought if only i could do this or that ect. it would change things, nope it didn't. My friend told me this, "its not your fault and then she would tell me about her break up with her boyfriend...and i talked about stuff like this with friends." I'm actually the type of person who never likes to cry or show weakness. So, I really kept hurt emotions in me for a few months, till I decided to do something about it. It actually took me some time to trust people and confront my own feelings. Now, I'm totally ready for whatever is ahead. It is over a year since i have seen the guy and such so as you see getting rid of everything helps. I don't care if the girl or guy says lets be friends, it doesn't work out so well when one person still has feelings for the other. I don't have feelings for him now and I don't think i could be his friend because of what he did behind my back while with him. Seriously, I don't know how you trust someone who "keeps you around" so to speak. the fact is i didn't even know what was happening till I heard some things from a friend and I let it go, then one day i figured to ask him and that was the end. It helps that I also understand the human condition, my profession is in health and psychosocial aspects. I also can separate my emotions to step back take a look at what is going on. However, i can't do this when I am IN the actual situation. Now, i can because its a year later and its easy to talk about. I did cry for awhile and I can say i was depressed. As i said it takes time and KEEP MOVING AHEAD. Eventually you care less and less. I value myself more and I have so much more strength and belief in myself. I wish I understood how to "cope" when i was going through this. I also learned coping skills through my education and other various therapeutic techniques. If anyone has suicidal thoughts seeing a health professional is going to help the most. After experiencing loss, it means you have to be strong for yourself and take extra care of yourself.
Miguelrg Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Hey soul, this was your turning point, enough is enough now, i had mine a few weeks ago as you know!
SweetyBear Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I guess now there's no question. I loved your optimism when you were trying so hard to let her know you still cared and wanted her to be interested in how you've changed. It's interesting to me to see how different people respond, but I know you said you were happy with yourself that at least you gave it a shot. I hope you just continue to grow in yourself so maybe next time you'll attract someone who appreciates all that you are and can be. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's easy to get to thinking about it and decide this time when I call/email the response will be completely different even if there's no reason to believe it will be.
Nuala83 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Why the **** did I do this.... What. an. idiot. A selfish idiot. It was selfish. Im sad, really really sad. I guess i can know that it really IS over..... Hey don't beat yourself up Soul. You ARE making progress but with every step of progress you stumble a little...just like the rest of us!! After I decided to go I NC I broke it (in a typically needy desperate way) about 3 times but before that I went throught he whole rigmarole of not quite accepting it was over and really embarassing myself in the process. I pretended I was fine and for days I would be but then I would get the urge....you know what I'm talking about! The desire for answers and explinations which would then lead to him getting angry and me getting needy. It was only when I got my dignity back that my ex started to contact me and FINALLY after 3 months of acting like a complete tw**, I'm instead acting like a normal rational being who doesn't need the love of someone else to complete her. Good god I never thought I'd get there. You're gonna do fine. You just need more time to heal and get used to the idea. Who knows wether you and your ex will ever reconcile in the future (you mustn't make that your goal though). Maybe you will, maybe you won't but for now you're right it is definitely OVER. It's sooo wierd but your ex's email sounded like something my ex said to me. He said "I don't feel like myself, I just feel like one half of a couple" and "I want to be just me again". You can't deny anyone their bid for freedom. All you can do is make the most of your own. Good things will come out of it though, they really will! This is your golden opportunity to be completely and utterly selfish. Enjoy!
BearPower Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Thankyou all for your replys. Unfortunatly, I stupidly posted a semi joke advert in Dating about someone giving me a job overseas...lol Needless to say My account has been banned for a few weeks (suspended). So guys, a word of warning. READ THE T.O.S if you are unsure about posting something!!! -DUH- I am now free to do what I want when I want. something very interesting happened to me last night, and It painted such a mental picture in my head (some think in pictures some think in words, I find pictures to be more smack in the face kind of realisations...anyway) ''SoulBear- if she is willing to walk away from the R, you have to as well.'' I had this image in my head of me standing in a small shaded circle, standing in half of it, while I watched my ex walk away. Standing in the circle was doing me no good at all. Why should I stand in it if she is not willing to herself? Its not getting me anywhere and the circle is clearly made for 2 people, why should I as one person continue to stand there?....I dont. There is no point, in her mind it is over. Time to accept it for what it is, which is OVER, and break away from the circle myself. Another one- ''After your ex pulled the trigger, there is no way to take back the bullet''.... I had this image of my ex blowing me away with a silver revolver, in a very 'killBill' type camera angle, and the expression on her face was just blank. The gun smokes as she drops it turns to walk away. I dont want anyone thinking Im crazy here, but sometimes mental pictures can jolt us into action, where as words tend to swell about in our heads and can me deceptive to a certain extent, as we will allways pick apart those words and find what we like about them. When you have pictures like this, it really does 'blow you away' and make you see the situation from a different perspective......... Either way, its all good. Whats done is done. Obviously I was not strong enough yesterday, but at least I dont have ANY false hope now. Just got to keep positive about the future. Sure, we all have weak moments, and Im sure i had some kind of emotional tourettes yesterday. I had this nagging urge to break NC. 13 hours I wrestled that inner bear for, but i decided to throw him some salmon and off he went, leaving the emotional human free to BREAK NC!! I cant wait to meet the next person in my life, who Will COMMIT to the relationship, instead of stringing me along for 5 yeras. I cant wait to meet the next person who will COMMUNICATE in the R when there are problems. Something she CLEARLY did not do. That was always a big issue for me, her lack of comms, and her obvious need for freedom, which made me feel insecure at times, and quite rightly by the way she acted at time towards other members of the opposite sex. Happy Days Folks SoulBear
Lucky555 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Soulbear, I read your last post here. I'm glad your feeling better. POST AT LS we are here for you!!
wow123 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 SoulBear, As much as that response hurt you, we would all probably heal alot faster if our ex's would be as blatantly honest as yours. Feel better!
BearPower Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Thankyou Lucky ......I get ya WoW- I think your right, but sometimes brutal honesty can be more harming. If it was me, I would have done it with compassion and empathy. I would have done it gracefully and not been such as she has towards me. If for nothing else, my respect for the 5 years we spent together, and my respect for her and our relationship. It is the way it has been done, that I think can contribute to at least 40% of my clingy and desperate attempts to try and win her back, and my extreme shock in the way she dealt with it. In the process, I have ****ed up any chance of even a friendship in the near future. The pain I have dealt with, through my own selfishness and stupidity, of going back again and again, getting more and more of my shattered heart going into true meltdown, has been waaay to much, I just cant take it anymore. Now the door is closed. I tried my best, and I probably would be 10x further ahead in healing than I am now, if I had just gone NC when Carhill had told me too. Instead I went against everyones advice. No matter, I will be unbreakable upon my return to being 110% SoulBear again....I will never let anyone use me like that again. I was used to grow- It was even an argument between us at one point, I felt like I was being used, getting m,y power drained out of me slowly by her as time went on. No ones fault but my own. Anyway, I hope you guys can learn something from this, from me, from my mistakes, or even from just who I am. Im pretty sad this evening, Its really sad to know its over for ever. Never another chance, ever again. All good things must come to an end, my friends. I look fwd to looking back on all this at some point in my life, and laughing at myself for it. SoulBear AKA BearPower
Lucky_One Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 OK, now I see why you haven't responded to the PM!! LOLOL!! I just KNEW that I had ticked you off again and that you were in a huff. No PM privileges during this suspension time, though - although you COULD still be in a huff but at least I know that you can't respond. Well, you did it anyway, against Auntie LO's advice. Next time you want to do something that goes totally against what everyone in your life is saying, give it a 24 hour resting period. Write it and save it in drafts. Go back and edit it every so often. But don't send it for at least 24 hours, to see if the urge passes and to see if your need to get those words out is still valid. For what it's worth, she wasn't being cruel or hateful. But she was being blunt, and I suspect she thinks she has to be in order to get you to hear. A curiousity question - engaged for 4.5 years? Why so long? Which one of you was against finalizing the marriage?
BearPower Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 No Im not in huff But she was being blunt, and I suspect she thinks she has to be in order to get you to hear. This is very very true... I guess we were both stalling the marriage at times. It was meant to be next year tho.....
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