alg24 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I ended it a couple weeks ago with my MM. It ended VERY ugly. Ended on both ends (In his mind he prob. thinks he ended it) Anyway, we were living in the same town but now are in different states for the next four/five months. He called me when he left clearly stating it is over and he is done with me. Thinks I am crazy etc. Doesn't want to see my face again... TWO days later he called to just say hi! Didn't want to have a conversation, just wanted to make sure I was I was okay. Mentioned its still over and he doesn't miss me. Then he called me again four days later... I ignored his phone call... He called twice that day (Two different numbers) and ten sent a text on his real phone (The phone I am not allowed to call because of his wife...) The next day he called again.. Why do they do that?
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Continue to ignore him. He's fishing and seeing if you're still interested. Call it an ego feed, or an addiction feed (Meaning, he misses you and the affair dynamtic). Don't give in! You don't want to be the OW anymore? Then stay in NC mode and use this time to start grieving and healing.
Meaplus3 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I ended it a couple weeks ago with my MM. It ended VERY ugly. Ended on both ends (In his mind he prob. thinks he ended it) Anyway, we were living in the same town but now are in different states for the next four/five months. He called me when he left clearly stating it is over and he is done with me. Thinks I am crazy etc. Doesn't want to see my face again... TWO days later he called to just say hi! Didn't want to have a conversation, just wanted to make sure I was I was okay. Mentioned its still over and he doesn't miss me. Then he called me again four days later... I ignored his phone call... He called twice that day (Two different numbers) and ten sent a text on his real phone (The phone I am not allowed to call because of his wife...) The next day he called again.. Why do they do that? And he's calling you crazy? Shame on him. He sounds like a player and IMO these types of men are the crazy ones. His poor little ego needs a boost. Don't answer his calls and play his game.. that's how you put a stop to it. Best of luck. Mea:)
White Flower Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 He may have been lying to himself. I met a woman last summer who confided she was having an A with a MM. She said during their first sexual encounter he told her nasty things such as, 'I don't care for you so don't think about getting attached'. He didn't even hug her or kiss her goodbye. Then he came around the next few nights expecting more but she just sat there crying because of his hurtful words. He explained that since he knew he wasn't going to leave his W he needed to be harsh so she didn't get hurt. This noob playa hadn't sharpened his Affair Pencil and didn't know any smooth lines or how to use innuendo to keep her at bay. He was cruel, yet honest in a weird way. At least she knew where she stood. After their 'heart to heart' talk, she understood the ground rules and they proceeded. He didn't feel the need to be kurt after that. Your MM will keep calling you because he's found out that he's addicted to what you had (sex). If that's what you're up for, cool. If not do not take his calls.
jj33 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 They call because they want to know that we will still talk to them. That its not really over even if they told broke it off on no uncertain terms. Hang tough. Its meaningless If they called and said they left etc etc now that would be meaninngful
tami-chan Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 This is the time that you will put him in his place. Pick up the call and tell him-"YOU are not welcome to call or send texts to my number. I do not EVER want to hear from you. I think that is not a difficult concept to understand. I know your life is less meaningful now that I am not with you but you will just have to learn to live with it. Goodbye." Click. Do not wait for him to respond. Then block his number. They call because they are afraid that the OW has moved on and THAT is not acceptable for their fragile egos.
JMC Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 You know what...when I was in the throes of my affair, I would have answered OP's question with, or thought to myself re: my affair "maybe he just can't stay from you because he loves and cares and misses you so much". Only after so much time has gone by that I know it isn't love and care. It really is either missing the sex, or the drama, or the thrill, or the secrecy, or being wanted by someone besides the wife. I understand it now. And sadly, it gives some OW hope. Sick and sad ughh.
White Flower Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 You know what...when I was in the throes of my affair, I would have answered OP's question with, or thought to myself re: my affair "maybe he just can't stay from you because he loves and cares and misses you so much". Only after so much time has gone by that I know it isn't love and care. It really is either missing the sex, or the drama, or the thrill, or the secrecy, or being wanted by someone besides the wife. I understand it now. And sadly, it gives some OW hope. Sick and sad ughh. You know, they are probably both true. It really depends on whether the MM actually loves you or is just addicted to the sex, illicitness, thrill, etc. with you. Either way, they don't want to lose a good thing. The choice is yours. What do you get out of it if you answer the call?
JMC Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 You know, they are probably both true. It really depends on whether the MM actually loves you or is just addicted to the sex, illicitness, thrill, etc. with you. Either way, they don't want to lose a good thing. The choice is yours. What do you get out of it if you answer the call? Uh oh...I just got a little tingle of hope there!!! LOLLL Nah it's long over, but part of me hopes he really did love me.
NoIDidn't Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 They call because they are afraid that the OW has moved on and THAT is not acceptable for their fragile egos. Ding! Ding! Ding!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I also agree with Tami-Chan... he's calling to make sure you're not ok. Calling you crazy is clearly projection. I say answer his call but tell him right away that you can't talk because your date just showed up and act happy as a lark.
White Flower Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Uh oh...I just got a little tingle of hope there!!! LOLLL Nah it's long over, but part of me hopes he really did love me. Who says they're only using YOU for sex??? LOL
Author alg24 Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 thank you for all the replies!! I clearly don't think it is because he loves me etc. When we first started the affair a 1 1/2 ago he told me it was just sex... I was 19 and he was 36 (Much older right! Maybe creepy? I lived on my own though... Parents support but out of the states...) Anyway, middle of the affair he told me he loved me, missed me, etc. Call me all the time. Visited me during the day/night(Even if we weren't having sex) I found out from the wife when we ended it end of May that they hadn't had sex since November. (Not to mention mid Feb. I got herpes... I was clean before him and only had one other partner) It ended SOOO nasty I don't understand why he calls. Maybe he does miss the drama, sex, etc. Perhaps I shouldn't even try to understand. I answered the first time and the conversation was, "I think your crazy and I don't miss you or even want to talk to you, but I wanted to just see how you were." He told me he would call me when he wants!!! Two days later he called me... June 5th we got into a fight on the phone... I promised myself June 6th to start NC... June 9th,10th, & 11th he has tried to contact me.
Author alg24 Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Forgot to mention he doesn't have a cell phone for me anymore.. Broke it when we officially ended it... But he is away from the family until mid October. So when he calls me its from different numbers but the wife isn't around.
NoIDidn't Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 thank you for all the replies!! I clearly don't think it is because he loves me etc. When we first started the affair a 1 1/2 ago he told me it was just sex... I was 19 and he was 36 (Much older right! Maybe creepy? I lived on my own though... Parents support but out of the states...) Anyway, middle of the affair he told me he loved me, missed me, etc. Call me all the time. Visited me during the day/night(Even if we weren't having sex) I found out from the wife when we ended it end of May that they hadn't had sex since November. (Not to mention mid Feb. I got herpes... I was clean before him and only had one other partner) It ended SOOO nasty I don't understand why he calls. Maybe he does miss the drama, sex, etc. Perhaps I shouldn't even try to understand. I answered the first time and the conversation was, "I think your crazy and I don't miss you or even want to talk to you, but I wanted to just see how you were." He told me he would call me when he wants!!! Two days later he called me... June 5th we got into a fight on the phone... I promised myself June 6th to start NC... June 9th,10th, & 11th he has tried to contact me. After you posted this, I definitely think its to stroke his ego now. And yeah, 36 yo with a 19 yo, qualifies as creepy in my book. On his part. Not yours.
JMC Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Who says they're only using YOU for sex??? LOL A notion right after my heart, SIGH!!! At least nowadays it is, thanks to being hurt so many times and not givin' a dang anymore. Oops I read this so wrong. I thought you meant that we could be using them for sex. But yah I wouldn't be surprised if they were using others.
White Flower Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 A notion right after my heart, SIGH!!! At least nowadays it is, thanks to being hurt so many times and not givin' a dang anymore. Oops I read this so wrong. I thought you meant that we could be using them for sex. But yah I wouldn't be surprised if they were using others. You got me right the first time. And the second time...I think:o LOL. Yeah, we're using them to when you really think about it. I think all people use all people. We just mask our intentions by calling it 'love', 'committment', etc. We still expect people to 'be there' for us whether it is for sex, help around the house, whatever. All people use each other but I could go on and on... sorry for the t/j
torranceshipman Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 He's a creepy freak. Avoid him. He sounds so messed up. Take this fab opportunity to tell him that you are completely uninterested in him, and that he can deal with his sad mid life crisis alone and leave you in peace, so that you can be free to date cute, young, well adjusted, normal guys with no baggage (i.e. the opposite of him).
StoptheDrama Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I wish I had an answer or could give you some insight but I'm wondering the same thing myself... My xMM just showed up at my door last night when I was going out. I literally opened my door to leave and there he was with the screen door open and in he walked... Then after I left, he called and kept texting... He doesn't love me; he's admitted that but he comes to me with his problems and then the calls and texts...is it ego? Control? More games? I'm just at a loss...
Author alg24 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 I wish I had an answer or could give you some insight but I'm wondering the same thing myself... My xMM just showed up at my door last night when I was going out. I literally opened my door to leave and there he was with the screen door open and in he walked... Then after I left, he called and kept texting... He doesn't love me; he's admitted that but he comes to me with his problems and then the calls and texts...is it ego? Control? More games? I'm just at a loss... StoptheDrama... I remember once when my MM was going away for a couple days... We were fighting a lot that week but I asked him if he would stop by and say good-bye... He did, but told me to meet him outside because he didn't want to go into my apartment... Longer story shortened he made me cry... He was so heartless... Told me he only came over because he didn't want to be a bad guy... I tried not to cry in front of him but I started having a slight panic attack in front of him! He reached out and tried to relax me, telling me he would call me when he was away... After he left I went upstair and turned a movie on... Three hours later he showed up at my doorstep!! I opened it stupidly... He walked in, took his shoes off, walking into my room and fell asleep. When I went back into the room he pulled me really close to him and we fell asleep. The next morning he left around 4:30am... He kept calling me that WHOLE day!! MM are crazy... Getting back to my NC... Its sooo hard and I am struggling everyday... He keeps calling!! And you would think it would decrease... NOPE! He called tuesday,wednesday, thursday, and five times friday!! Today he texted me "Hey. Where are you?" And six minutes later called and left a voicemail! And the voicemail he almost sounded "normal." Doesn't he remember the previous phone calls? How this is over and done? Doesn't he remember how badly he hurt me?
Author alg24 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 I have realized that you can't try to understand the MM. The best thing to do is ignore and keep away. I like to think at one point in time my MM cared for me... I remember all the times we spent together... Out of the bedroom... And it hurts... Thinking was that ALL fake? Did he ever care? He use to tell me he loved me, it was impossible but he loved me a lot and that was the problem. I told he to please never tell me that. At the end he told me he never loved me, could never love me, and would never love me. Regardless I think about the past year and a half I spent with my MM... How much time I wasted... How many sleepless nights... The panic attacks and tears wasted on this person. I really think that the OW isn't a horrible person... She just gets lost into something... When your really deep into a situation its hard to jump out of it... But at the end of the day its best to walk away and don't speak to the person. They will only continue to hurt you worse and drag you down. To live a double life they are clearly missing something... I was single... Of course I had the guilt of knowing that he was married... But for me I was only sleeping with him... When I was alone at night I was lonely, but I wasn't next to someone else living the lie...
Mino Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 StoptheDrama... I remember once when my MM was going away for a couple days... We were fighting a lot that week but I asked him if he would stop by and say good-bye... He did, but told me to meet him outside because he didn't want to go into my apartment... Longer story shortened he made me cry... He was so heartless... Told me he only came over because he didn't want to be a bad guy... I tried not to cry in front of him but I started having a slight panic attack in front of him! He reached out and tried to relax me, telling me he would call me when he was away... After he left I went upstair and turned a movie on... Three hours later he showed up at my doorstep!! I opened it stupidly... He walked in, took his shoes off, walking into my room and fell asleep. When I went back into the room he pulled me really close to him and we fell asleep. The next morning he left around 4:30am... He kept calling me that WHOLE day!! MM are crazy... Getting back to my NC... Its sooo hard and I am struggling everyday... He keeps calling!! And you would think it would decrease... NOPE! He called tuesday,wednesday, thursday, and five times friday!! Today he texted me "Hey. Where are you?" And six minutes later called and left a voicemail! And the voicemail he almost sounded "normal." Doesn't he remember the previous phone calls? How this is over and done? Doesn't he remember how badly he hurt me? you need to buy the book " How to break your addiction to a person" This book is great, with lots of great tips. Buy yourself some notecards. Write on each one a few things he has done in the past that hurt you and how you felt at the time. When you miss him, pull out your deck to read. Have a support system of friends you can call when you are feeling weak. Jounal everyday and write the feelings of how he has hurt you, read this often, the shift will begin. Its the child in you that wants him in your life, not the mature adult.... there are deeper issues from your past that has allowed you to put up with this crap. read the book, it will set you free. Set boundries for yourself, and dont accept anything less then a 100%
me003 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Does MM know he gave you Herpes? does BS know she might have herpes?
Author alg24 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 MM does know I have herpes. I got really sick in Feb. and couldn't figure out what it was... He was with me the whole time... It was clearly a first outbreak, and the virus didn't even show up on my blood results... When I got the test results back he was with me... I don't think he ever told the wife... At the end of May when we were over and I was heading for another state I texted the wife. Perhaps I was wrong to do so. I told her I was very sorry for everything, etc. I mentioned the herpes and apologized again... Anyway, the MM keeps calling me now... I never admitted to him that I talked to the wife... He knew she had tried to call be before. Living in a small town she isn't stupid either... Anyway, I told him that she wasn't stupid and knows everything.. The affair who I am... He told me he loved me etc. and was confused because he loves me so much. Wanted to pay for a plane ticket this week and send me out to come see him. Bla bla. The wife told me thank-you, and she hasn't been having sex with him since November.
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