Trying to get over co-worker

[Untouchable_Fire]

My counselor has really taken a beating in this forum. I think it's a little harsh as she realized what she did years ago was wrong and had been advising me to stop my harmful behavior. She actually used herself as an example of how she ruined her first marriage, and married the person she cheated with and how she couldn't stayed with the OM. Contrary to what others think, she was one who has experience in this whole infidelity stuff. She has gone through it and she was able to show great understanding of what I am going through. How is she any worse than a MC who has never experience an affair or been a victim and was just a textbook-based counselor?

 

Who do you take advice from, someone who is successful, or someone who is a failure.

 

Your counselor clearly didn't do the right thing in her personal life. She ruined her marriage, and then jumped into a relationship destined to fail.

 

Not all experience is equal. A person like Owl... who has made a marriage work is worth 10 times the advice of someone who has failed at this. I know it makes you feel comfortable to have someone that has also experienced this. I understand that, I've been through it.

 

I took the path your walking now... It won't take you where you want to go. I can promise this will end in heartache if you don't start making good choices soon.

 

In conclusion... Listen to those who have won the fight... because the advice of losers is foolish.

[jany]

In Like Flynn: You are right. It is extremely difficult. I'm just so angry at myself right now. He was away from work for a week and I was doing so well.. no anxieties, etc. But he is back today, and once again, those feelings, etc are back. I'm so angry that I can't seem to let him go. I mean, COME ON, he has moved on, I should do.

[TroyNJ]

Jany, the problem with this is YOU have continued to be worried about how the OM can just turn it off, this shows your main concern is NOT bettering your marriage. Your clearly still in a fog and frankly your Husband is the victim here. I will leave my opinions at that, I can't have any pity for a spouse that betrays the other. Do the adult thing and tell your poor husband for God's sake.

[Reggie]

No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.

 

I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.

 

 

I would think this being in the drivers position would get rather tedious after a while. Nothing more boring than being in a relationship with an automaton.

[Reggie]

Thank you once again for the advice.

Dobler33: You are absolutely right. The longing is there, and it's still very strong. I am just perplexed that the longing is still there since it has been six months ago that we met.

 

seibert253: There are so many things that attracted me to the OM and I have tried addressing them with my husband without actually saying hey I've cheated on you. I will definitely think about what you said in terms of fixing the marriage. I definitely want to fix this and I'm trying my hardest to leave this job. I have applied for various positions and yet to hear back from any. I truly think that there is no way to get over him until I leave this job.

 

I have another question regarding this and this will probably pissed off some of you because I still care about what OM thinks. He stopped the relationship and he seems to be over me, and us completely. He doesn't flirt anymore and it has been a relatively clean break. However, when we thought of doing something together which will lower his inhibition, he doesn't want to because he doesn't trust himself. If he is over me, why is he afraid of that. Yes, I know people would disapprove of me still thinking about this but really, it's not taking a lot of energy out of me and I need to know! *sigh*

 

Buy yourself a slew of Harlequin Romance Novels and a couple Fabio posters along with an industrial strength vibrator. Should re-energize you.

[NoIDidn't]

It doesn't sound like you have children. It sounds like the MM co-worker stopped the A because of his two year old.

 

He still has feelings, but he is being an adult about them. The feelings are inappropriate for the family he wants to have and you are not a part of that family.

 

Maybe you should tell your H you would like to attend MC with him. Then you can tell him about the "fling" with the co-worker and that you want to work on the marriage with him. Obviously you aren't getting what you want from the marriage, but maybe he isn't either and that's why you sense some lacking somewhere.

[HsMomma]

Buy yourself a slew of Harlequin Romance Novels and a couple Fabio posters along with an industrial strength vibrator. Should re-energize you.

 

Dang, Reg - you crack me up!!!

[beesue]

ok don't you think that A. you should never get involved with a co-worker? And B. get involved with a co-worker whose married and your married also? I'm just wondering if any of that may have crossed your mind. That's when you get a hold of yourself and display a little maturity and self-control. And if you weren't that happy with your husband to begin with maybe you should leave him first before you start fooling around with someone else.

[stuckinoz]

ok don't you think that A. you should never get involved with a co-worker? And B. get involved with a co-worker whose married and your married also? I'm just wondering if any of that may have crossed your mind. That's when you get a hold of yourself and display a little maturity and self-control. And if you weren't that happy with your husband to begin with maybe you should leave him first before you start fooling around with someone else.

 

 

beesue - always a good idea in theory - but reality & theory don't always match up in situations such as these.

 

 

Yeah - Having an affair in the first place is NEVER a good idea - but you have doubled the no-no's by doing it with a co-worker. That's tough! I understand how it can happen - we spend more time with our co-workers than we do with our family. Hope it all works out for you. Whichever way this goes.

[Dexter Morgan]

Athena: You are right. I am very addicted to the positive aspects of the affair.

 

sorry, but if you think there are positive aspects to your affair, or any other, then you have no business being married.

 

 

Thanks for understanding what I am going through. People who has not experience this would not understand the pull.

 

there are people that don't have experience with this because they won't put themselves in that position.

 

If the excuse was not feeling attractive, not getting every little need met in the marriage....well join the club.

 

When I was married, I sure as hell didn't get all my needs met. But you didn't see me going out and doing the horizontal mambo with other women, or even simply developing some emotional and semi-physical relationship with another woman.

 

 

It's hard to explain. The thing is, how is it possible that he was able to show such restraint NOW and why not at the beginning before this all starts?

 

if you don't want to leave your husband, and want to keep your marriage.....why do you care?

 

 

My counselor has really taken a beating in this forum.

 

and for good reason. she speaks from the standpoint of a cheater, and doesn't seem to know what is best for the BS.

 

and you said your counselor has told you that to tell would be "self-serving"?? how so? To unload guilt? puuuuulease.

 

NOT to tell would be self-serving. That way you spare yourself the REAL consequences and embarrassment. The guilt I'm sure will be short lived for you.

 

 

I think it's a little harsh as she realized what she did years ago was wrong and had been advising me to stop my harmful behavior. She actually used herself as an example of how she ruined her first marriage, and married the person she cheated with and how she couldn't stayed with the OM. Contrary to what others think, she was one who has experience in this whole infidelity stuff.

 

from the standpoint of the cheater.

 

 

She has gone through it and she was able to show great understanding of what I am going through. How is she any worse than a MC who has never experience an affair or been a victim and was just a textbook-based counselor?

 

of course she is showing you understanding, you and her are similar.

 

thinking otherwise would be silly. it would be like me telling a BS, "well, sorry, its your own fault you were cheated on". Thats something a cheater, or an OW/OM would say....not me as a fellow x-BS.

 

but it seems that you are more concerned with how your OM is handling things, the criticism your cheating therapist is getting....rather than your husband.

 

just a suggestion, but maybe thats where your efforts ought to go.....eh?

[Reggie]

Dex makes a good point. Your concern over his ability to end this without showing what you thik is the proper amount of pain, shows that this is an ego thing for you. This happens all the time in breakups with the dumpee having to get over the assault on the ego. Most of us have been through this, although maybe not in an affair situation.

You need to seperate your self worth from the issue of whether someone else desires you. This is probably a big factor in what led you to cheat, this need for outside validation. You will never really get that secure feeling of feeling good about yourself, as long as you rely on other people to provide it. Look how you have attached yourself to the stupid advice from your counselor. Realize that therapists and counselors are, many times, not the brightest bulbs on the planet and are often dumber than rocks. You need to find a smart one.

[jany]

Boy, it is really hard trying to explain everything in a forum. I am not telling my husband because of what my counselor said. I am merely mentioning what she says. I have already explained why I have doubts about telling him. Please read previous posts.

 

When I explained my troubles here in terms of still trying to get over OM, it doesn't mean that's ALL I am doing. Clearly, people don't mention things that going well here since they are asking for advice for problem. How do you know that I am not concentrating/focusing on my husband? You don't. But, of course I only bring up the issue that is bothering me. Don't forget that I spent 8 hours at work, and so there is constant contact with OM in that 8 hours spent. So, it is not that surprising that I still have attraction for him and have issues with that. It's not as though.. hmmmm, "I will stop thinking of how to focus on marriage right now, and think about other OM." For some people, it is hard to control these unwanted thoughts. Does it ever occur to you that I am trying so hard to get over OM? That I am channeling all my energy on my husband and on our marriage and it seems so hopeless at times because I am still attracted to OM and I realized the only way to stop this is for one of us to change jobs and we both want to change jobs but we are not hearing back from places that we have applied to?

 

Beesue: Please read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Great book on infidelity and the part about cheating with co-workers. She described very well exactly what happened.

[NoIDidn't]

Beesue: Please read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Great book on infidelity and the part about cheating with co-workers. She described very well exactly what happened.

 

That is a great book. Its also a good book to use to get over your feelings for him. Have you used it for that?

 

I love the story about the co-workers that hooked up. She got a divorce and he didn't want one. She apparently thought he felt the same way for her that she felt for him (willing to end his marriage for; he didn't) You remember how that turned out? His W found out. He threw himself back into his marriage. His feelings for the OP dissipated.

 

Your former MM isn't interested in an A. He turned it off. He is truly making a very valliant attempt at forgetting the affair and returning to his marriage. Maybe you should think about why you are having such difficulty doing the same.

[jany]

It doesn't sound like you have children. It sounds like the MM co-worker stopped the A because of his two year old.

 

He still has feelings, but he is being an adult about them. The feelings are inappropriate for the family he wants to have and you are not a part of that family.

 

I don't think it is because of that. We have talked about this several times and his exact words were continue liaison with a co-worker is a bad idea. He is extremely practical and he knows this will complicate things if we continue this relationship. He also mentioned before that he is scared that if we do have sex, we would continue having sex, and there would be more lies, and sneaking around. I guess he doesn't want to go down that road. Neither do I, but he has more self-control that I do.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think it is because of that. We have talked about this several times and his exact words were continue liaison with a co-worker is a bad idea. He is extremely practical and he knows this will complicate things if we continue this relationship. He also mentioned before that he is scared that if we do have sex, we would continue having sex, and there would be more lies, and sneaking around. I guess he doesn't want to go down that road. Neither do I, but he has more self-control that I do.

 

So you agree that he was being practical. He obviously is not interested in lying to his W further, so he ended it before it went too far (for him, mabe already too far to his W).

 

Why can't you accept his reaction and move on for yourself? Why do you feel you have poor self-control? Isn't that a problem for/to you? The first sign of maturity is self-control (not calling you immature).

[travelgirl]

Jumping in here to say that thru these 5 pages of you claiming to be working your hardest to work on your marriage and get over this guy, you spend more time talking about OM than your husband. It seems that you would have most certainly went down the complete physical affair road and now that OM wants to move on and be a faithful husband and father, your lust for him has INCREASED, not decreased. Who really cares how practical or how much control your OM has or what his reasons are? You are so hung up on the "what happened?" that you are not accepting it and moving on. Who cares what the reasons are and as a matter of fact be grateful he did end it because otherwise both of your marriages would have ended in divorce and I guarantee, he would still want nothing to do with you and you would be all alone.

 

OM's reasons for the initial get together probably came from him not getting enough attention from his wife after the birth of their child. Some men can't deal with all the changes when a child comes along. It isn't like he fell in love with you. He was using you to build up his self-esteem and to get attention that made him feel wanted. Now that he found self-control and realized he could have ruined his marriage, he no longer wants you. Let him and his family be. Would you want another women pawning over your H just after you have a child and started a family? Stop thinking of just yourself. And speaking of just thinking of yourself.....

 

I agree with most people here. You can't work on your marriage alone with your husband in the dark. Would you want him keeping this type of secret from you? How do you expect him to improve on a marriage he doesn't even know is broken? Your lack of respect for him shows when you think more about yourself then him during this crisis. You are better off going into MC and going thru your issues together. Sure he might leave you but if you are open and honest and take 100% responsibility for all of this, he will probably try and work on things. This kind of lie will never let a marriage move forward and it is obvious from your posts, you are not able to move forward on your own, even with IC. And to be honest with you, if you don't get yourself and this marriage fixed, I see you in a full blown rebound physical affair with another co-worker or friend. You NEED your husband to work on this together and he deserves to know.

 

Also, what if OM feels so guilty he decides to tell his wife and she gets your H on the phone and tells all? I guarantee his reaction will be a lot different then if you come forward and talk to him. You are gambling with your own marriage right now and it will never improve unless you both are on board to fight for it.

[seibert253]

Said it before, and I'll say it again, it makes a big difference to your husband if he hears it from you, as opposed to hearing it from someone else. If your TRUELY want to fix your marriage, you will do what you know is right.

1. Tell him

2. Ask for his forgiveness

3. MC

4. Quit your job.

But, after reading through everything a 2nd time, I'm not sure you want to fix your marriage. Sounds like your "settling" for your husband because the OM kicked you to the curb. If that's the case then let your husband go. He deserves a wife that will give him 100%. Right now you're not in that catagory. Maybe with time and effort you will, but right now you're not.

[Dexter Morgan]

Boy, it is really hard trying to explain everything in a forum. I am not telling my husband because of what my counselor said. I am merely mentioning what she says.

 

no, you are doing more than merely mentioning what she says. You are defending her and qualifying her based on what she has done to justify the reason to not tell.

 

 

When I explained my troubles here in terms of still trying to get over OM, it doesn't mean that's ALL I am doing. Clearly, people don't mention things that going well here since they are asking for advice for problem. How do you know that I am not concentrating/focusing on my husband?

 

you can't be if you are preoccupied with the other man's state of mind.

 

that and the fact that your H doesn't get much mention in your posts, and all the focus is on OM.

 

 

Does it ever occur to you that I am trying so hard to get over OM?

 

Trying to get over him is one thing. I understand that. But you are dwelling on why it is so easy for him to move on. Who cares??? If anything, his ability to easily retreat from the affair should be the catalyst for you to say, "well to hell with him".

 

and in any case, even though your husband doesn't know, if he did, its not your husband's problem that you are trying to get over him.

 

 

That I am channeling all my energy on my husband and on our marriage

 

*sigh*...no, you are not channeling all your energy on your husband. I have no doubt that you are trying and that you are putting in a good effort.

 

But if you are still worried about stupid things like what is in your OMs mind that he can retreat so easily, then you are not putting ALL into your husband.

 

 

and it seems so hopeless at times because I am still attracted to OM and I realized the only way to stop this is for one of us to change jobs and we both want to change jobs but we are not hearing back from places that we have applied to?

 

then you keep trying, apply at one new company every week. I don't care if it gets old or if you think it may be a pain in the ass. Its what you need to do. You keep trying constantly until you DO find something else. I don't care what the state of the economy is, you keep trying.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think it is because of that. We have talked about this several times and his exact words were continue liaison with a co-worker is a bad idea.

 

ah, but cheating on one's spouse with someone that ISN'T a coworker is alright??

 

 

He is extremely practical and he knows this will complicate things if we continue this relationship. He also mentioned before that he is scared that if we do have sex, we would continue having sex, and there would be more lies, and sneaking around. I guess he doesn't want to go down that road. Neither do I, but he has more self-control that I do.

 

so what you are saying is that if he offered up sex, you'd take it?

 

question, have you ever considered divorcing your husband?

[jnj express]

Hey Jany---your whole issue now is continued contact----Why can't you go NC with this guy----Out of sight, out of mind----Can't you change jobs w/in your company, and get to another work station----there must be something you can do----Can the job you do, be done for any other companies----take early retirement, and work for another company----or figure out how to get your self laid off and take unemployement, till another job comes along-----

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't think it is because of that. We have talked about this several times and his exact words were continue liaison with a co-worker is a bad idea. He is extremely practical and he knows this will complicate things if we continue this relationship. He also mentioned before that he is scared that if we do have sex, we would continue having sex, and there would be more lies, and sneaking around. I guess he doesn't want to go down that road. Neither do I, but he has more self-control that I do.

 

I am just left wondering what is going wrong in your marriage?

 

What is the problem with your husband? Is he ugly? Mean?

 

Honestly... your feelings for this co-worker won't really go away until you fix your marriage, or even if it does, your going to just wind up chasing another guy.

 

So, where is your marriage at? What challenges do you face at home?

[prettziel]

I would say her counselor's advice is spot on. Mostly because he/she is an IC whose goal is to help jany and NOT the M. An MC would have VERY different advice.

 

Now while I wholeheartedly agree with IC it really does NOTHING for your M as you have experienced. In my eyes, your M is still very much in a crisis mode.

 

The tried and true formula for detoxing from this is:

 

NC with your lover. This means you quit now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now. Because every contact continues the A. Every sight, every word, every email and every knowing smile. Its hard to quit smoking by hanging out in the smoking lounge.

 

I also espouse sitting your H down and telling the truth. There are 1000 reasons and we can debate them (and we have...so lets not start) and it comes down to valuing your H. Notice I didnt say valuing your M...but your H as a person. HE simply deserves to know how badly damaged his M is. How can he or your M recover w/o first knowing how badly wounded it is? And its in critical condition. You CANT save it on your own. You can't save it in IC. You save it TOGETHER.

 

And yes, your H may decide its not worth saving and file for D. Honestly...who would blame him? But I bet he tries.

 

I did. I tried to save my M. And it did NOT fail because of her A...but rather her lies and deciet and refusing to face herself. If I recall, and I do, some of the more anti-WS's even tried at first to save their M's too.

 

I personally think you will be given that chance by your H. Use it wisely.

 

Of course...you can continue this path. Continue to lie and see an IC for the addiction to your lover and generally be stuck (from a marital perspective). Honestly jany...if your M doesn't get better where does that leave you? Answer: susceptible to another A.

 

To directly answer your question of how to move on and "forget" your OM. You do this by having a healthy M which overshadows the memory of the OM. Right now, your M hasn't changed (I bet its worse) and as such the OM again represents escape. Fix your M, fix yourself. Then the OM fades.

If you don't, imo, another man will simply fill the void down the road.

 

Oh...one last thing...you and your OM are each 50% culpable...knock off the "victim" mentality...you knew exactly what was happening and where it was going and happily went along.

 

This is a great post.

[lkjh]

Look, you really are not doing anything to save your marriage. You keep saying that you are channeling all of your energy towards your H but that is a lie. You continue to disrespect him by lying. Every one sentence about your H you have ten about the OM. If you can't be honest with your H, then divorce him and let him find someone who can actually love him.

 

I know this sounds cruel but it is the truth. Earlier you posted that everyone is being too hard on your therapist and you are wrong. Your therapist is not good at her job. She tried to give you a quick fix.

 

If you do the right thing then your marriage will stand a shot, if you don't you guys may not get divorce but all you will have is a empty shell. Plus if you have children what are you going to do when they come to you for advice on relationships? Will you be able to look them in the eye when talking to them about marriage and family? The choice you make now will affect the rest of your life