Trying to get over co-worker

[Dexter Morgan]

I have been trying to channel all my energy to my husband but for some reason, I'm still lusting after my co-worker.

 

you need to send out resumes, applications, and start looking for another job. Whether or not your H knows or finds out, it is now inappropriate for you to be around the OM.

 

So if you aren't willing to seek a job elsewhere, and don't give me the bad state of the economy bull, then you aren't deserving of being married. The economy may be bad, but you still keep applying elsewhere until you find something. you keep your job until then, but you keep trying. otherwise your H and marriage aren't that important to you.

 

Or maybe you need to tell your husband and he can make the decisions for you.

 

 

He is on my thoughts often and I don't know how to stop this or get over him. We both want to leave our positions and we both have been applying for various positions. Short of quitting my job, I am not sure what to do.

 

applying for other positions within the same company isn't a solution. one or both need to find another place to work. Since this is your story, I'd say you need to apply at different companies.

[Chrome Barracuda]

"The therapist that I saw was not just a regular counselor. When I called to find someone who can work with marriage issues, she was recommended. What was even weirder was that she was in the same position that I was in. She cheated on her husband, married the man, and later they divorced. I have asked her on numerous occasions if I should confess, and she thought that it would not do any help. She asked what I hope to achieve, and I guess my main reason was to show my husband that we seriously need help"

 

And this is the person who your seriously considering taking advice from?

 

That's like a former crackhead teaching a fellow pipesmoker to love her addictions. Clearly your councilor has no definition of the idea of right and wrong!

 

What's wrong is that your doing the wrong thing, and you know it!!!

 

There's nothing wrong with your marriage per se, other than your husband being a little oblivious and a workaholic! the affair is 100% your fault.

 

You are unhappy for you being lonely, your husband didnt force you to have the affair, you did.

 

and personally speaking your councilor's an idiot. Your marriage will not stand a chance if you are NOT truthful with your spouse! without trust you have nothing.

 

Make a choice!

[jany]

Dexter: If you have read my earlier posts, you would have read that we are both trying to leave our positions. I have been actively searching and applying and the economy IS a legitimate reason. I'm tired of hearing how if I don't leave my job, it means that my marriage is not important. I read this in other threads too and it seems to me people don't realize that some of us have mortgages and bills to pay and we can't just say, yes, we screwed up and want to work on our marriages and I'll just quit my job even if I have nothing else.

 

I'm saying, yes my marriage is important, and yes, I am working extremely hard to leave my job but I can't leave until I have another one line up. In the mean time, I'm depressed whenever I see him, and I guess it's something that I have to deal with.

[lkjh]

you had a absolutely horrible counselor. Telling is not self serving, its doing the right thing. How can you rebuild a relationship on a lie? Its like building a house on a broken foundations. Plus if you love and RESPECT your h you have to tell him. This is his life to, not just yours and he has the right to know what is going on.

 

The longer you wait to tell the worse it will get.

 

Lastly, do not take advice from someone that jumps from partner to partner. People who do this don't understand that marriage takes commitment and there will be times when you have to take the bad in order to get to the good.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter: If you have read my earlier posts, you would have read that we are both trying to leave our positions. I have been actively searching and applying and the economy IS a legitimate reason.

 

No, its not a legitimate reason. its a legitimate reason to not just up and quit your job without having another lined up. It is NOT a legit reason to not try to apply, and continuously try, to other companies. You are doing that, so that is good. but never do you give up trying.

 

 

I'm tired of hearing how if I don't leave my job, it means that my marriage is not important.

 

you didn't read what I said. I said: "The economy may be bad, but you still keep applying elsewhere until you find something. you keep your job until then, but you keep trying"

 

the fact that you are wanting to leave and are actively applying for jobs says something.

Now if you did not have an interest in trying to find another job, or just didn't want the hassle of looking for another one, THEN i'd say your marriage isn't that important to you.

 

 

I read this in other threads too and it seems to me people don't realize that some of us have mortgages and bills to pay and we can't just say, yes, we screwed up and want to work on our marriages and I'll just quit my job even if I have nothing else.

 

again, I said you keep your job UNTIL you find another.

 

 

I'm saying, yes my marriage is important, and yes, I am working extremely hard to leave my job but I can't leave until I have another one line up.

 

completely understandable, I wouldn't expect anything otherwise from anyone.

[jany]

Thanks Dexter. I did not read your post closely enough. Have not been very successful in looking for potential jobs. I heard that there is a position open in another department sometime this summer and I am thinking of applying. This would mean not working directly with OM but may still see him. I wonder if that would be good enough. Am I just deluding myself thinking that if I am in another department, things would be fine? Sigh. I am having such a hard time seeing him daily and sometimes it pisses me off that he is not having a hard time. (at least not that he shows). Now I know what they say about not dating (or in my case, having an affair) with people at work. It gets so complicated.

[fooled once]

Hi all. For almost a year now, I have been reading this forum, trying to get advice through the various questions that were asked. I had a "fling" with a married coworker that started last summer, and lasted for about six months. We did not have sexual intercourse but we certainly did things that would constitute as "sex." There is no doubt in my mind that my husband would consider this as cheating. I would not dispute that either. I started seeing a counselor about this and that helped in the sense that it provided an avenue for me to talk about this relationship. It has been six months since we "met" and I am still trying to get over him. I have been trying to channel all my energy to my husband but for some reason, I'm still lusting after my co-worker. He is on my thoughts often and I don't know how to stop this or get over him. We both want to leave our positions and we both have been applying for various positions. Short of quitting my job, I am not sure what to do. I should also mentioned that we knew what we did was wrong but still couldn't help ourselves. He was definitely the driver in the relationship, including putting a stop to it.

 

Also - please do not say that you two "couldn't help yourselves".

 

Yes you could.

 

Be honest with your husband and tell him of this.

[fooled once]

So the only reason why the affair ended is because basically, he dumped you.

 

Had he not, you probably would still be with him, correct?

 

Man, I am sorry, but your husband deserves so much better.

 

Your counselor sounds like an idiot.

 

Ya know what - there are TONS of jobs in this economy. I myself found a new job recently and there are jobs out there - you just have to find them and ACTIVELY seek them.

 

I think you don't want to leave and are using the economy as a reason because if you left your job, then you would not see this man every day and be such "good friends".

 

You can't be "good friends" with the man you are actively lusting after.

 

PLEASE tell your husband -- let him know what you did and how you are feeling. He deserves to trust you and he can't. He should be able to decide IF HE wants to continue the marriage knowing what you have done.

 

Yes, it isn't going to be easy to tell him; but it is actually a selfless thing and an honorable thing to do.

[u91746]

I've been through something similar. No quick fixes. Those feelings do not fade quickly, and last a long time.

 

I've tried for a long time to figure out why the OW isn't / didn't feel hurt as I did at the break-up. Hard to admit the feelings were more one sided than you expect.

 

Moving or changing jobs isn't a pancea, but out of sight is out of mind. It's hard to reestablish that professional appearance, but faking it is making it.

 

How are things going now?

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks Dexter. I did not read your post closely enough. Have not been very successful in looking for potential jobs.

 

its tough out there right now. but the people who get the jobs are the ones that pound the pavement and bust their hump.

 

And if you find a job/employer that you really would like to work for, you sent them a resume/application every month. Get your name in their head...hell, they just might hire you for tenacity alone.

 

But its tough in these times.

 

 

 

well, thats better than nothing but still a change of employers is what needs to be done at some point.

 

 

I wonder if that would be good enough. Am I just deluding myself thinking that if I am in another department, things would be fine?

 

yes, you would be deluding yourself, but at least one step in the right direction. The farther away the better, but really needs to be out of the building completely from this guy.

 

 

Sigh. I am having such a hard time seeing him daily and sometimes it pisses me off that he is not having a hard time. (at least not that he shows). Now I know what they say about not dating (or in my case, having an affair) with people at work. It gets so complicated.

 

I dated someone I worked with a long time ago....never again!!!

[Owl]

How about seeing a MARRIAGE counselor instead of just one who is solely focused on taking care of you?

 

And then coming clean in marriage counseling about your feelings for OM, and all that went on between you and him?

 

This gives you a chance to rebuild your marriage on a foundation of TRUTH, rather than existing on a foundation of lies by omission, which is where it's sitting at today.

 

Look for a counselor in your area who has a good track record of helping marriages recover from infidelity. You might even go to them once first...without your H...BUT...make sure that they understand you're going for MARRIAGE counseling and not IC...bring them up to speed on what's going on, and then bring in your H and get this all out in the open.

 

This will quickly snap your focus off of OM, and back onto fixing your marriage. Do this alongside actively looking for a new job.

[seibert253]

How about seeing a MARRIAGE counselor instead of just one who is solely focused on taking care of you?

 

And then coming clean in marriage counseling about your feelings for OM, and all that went on between you and him?

 

This gives you a chance to rebuild your marriage on a foundation of TRUTH, rather than existing on a foundation of lies by omission, which is where it's sitting at today.

 

Look for a counselor in your area who has a good track record of helping marriages recover from infidelity. You might even go to them once first...without your H...BUT...make sure that they understand you're going for MARRIAGE counseling and not IC...bring them up to speed on what's going on, and then bring in your H and get this all out in the open.

 

This will quickly snap your focus off of OM, and back onto fixing your marriage. Do this alongside actively looking for a new job.

 

 

Agree with OWL again 100%. You need a MC who will tell you what you need to hear, not tell you what you want to hear.

[u91746]

There is no quick "snapping" out of an A, especially one that is as romantically powerful as this was for you, Jany. This relationship met needs you either knew and didn't want to acknowledge, or made you realize you had and didn't know.

 

What was it about this person that made you feel this way? Or was it just the attention/secrecy?

 

Understanding what was going on for you is important to resolving how to fix this for the future.

 

It is hard to focus on yourself and your relationship; right now, you are feeling rejected and wanting to chase what you had. I've been chasing it a long time now.

 

None of this is reasonable. Continue the IC, and consider chatting more with people here, and your spouse.

[Athena]

 

I have another question regarding this and this will probably pissed off some of you because I still care about what OM thinks. He stopped the relationship and he seems to be over me, and us completely. He doesn't flirt anymore and it has been a relatively clean break. However, when we thought of doing something together which will lower his inhibition, he doesn't want to because he doesn't trust himself. If he is over me, why is he afraid of that. Yes, I know people would disapprove of me still thinking about this but really, it's not taking a lot of energy out of me and I need to know! *sigh*

 

Jany, the OM is a human being with emotions just like you, so of course he cannot just 'turn them off' and never reminisce or want to try one more time... he is trying to reset his boundaries.

 

For you -- it must hurt on top of missing him, that he apparently doesn't care for you anymore... but he must be just doing his level best to get over you as quickly as he can.

 

Honestly -- the fastest way to get over him is to sever contact with him... otherwise... you will be hurting and longing...

[Athena]

I am sorry. I do want to work on my marriage. Honestly, sometimes I do wonder what I want. I know I sound really stupid but I want my marriage and I want to continue the A. (Btw: does it constitute an A even - if all the things we did happen during work time and we never meet outside of work time?)

 

In any case, I know I can't have both. So, I need to focus on my marriage and clearly, I can't get over this guy and the only option is to leave work. Another question: If he leaves this position, do I still need to quit? Someone told me that even if he leaves, I should probably go too because I would be missing him and be miserable.

 

Jany, you are most likely 'addicted' to the positive feelings of the affair -- being attracted to a new person, sharing a secret, meeting in risky places, knowing that he likes you, etc... so it's understandable that you are feeling the need/pull to feel 'good' about yourself by continuing the affair... thing is, most affair partners don't do a very good job of ending an affair on their own, until/unless they get caught... because it IS so hard to cut off something that feels good in the moment.

 

However, affairs turn out to be messy for everyone, in the end. So, since you have officially ended this affair together, it is in your best interests to not pursue it.

I am thinking that if you do tell your husband the truth, it will 1) let him know what is really going on in his marriage and in his life (it's only fair) 2) give him a wake-up call as to the state of your mind/needs/ and your marriage. He will therefore be able to reassess whether he wishes to stay in the M and work at it, or leave.

 

At the very least, you do need to maintain a distance between you and OM so you can get over him.

[Athena]

 

BUT...if your choice is your marriage...you ARE going to face an even bigger challenge.

 

Telling your husband.

 

I know...your therapist said it wouldn't do any good. But, your therapist IS NOT your marriage counselor. In fact, individual therapy is often counter-productive to marriage counseling. An IC isn't going to tell you what to do to improve your marriage, they're going to solely focus on what they think will make YOU feel better...even if there's a way that might be good for BOTH marriage and individual.

 

If you want to work on your marriage...get marriage counseling, and be prepared to tell the whole TRUTH of the situation.

 

If you lie, even by ommission...you're wasting time and money in marriage counseling, and the effort will be doomed to fail. If you simply cannot tell the truth...file for divorce.

Jany, I second the above!

 

And -- it's true... if you intend on staying in the M, you must tell your H about the A.

If you are using the A as an 'exit affair' and you simply cannot bring yourself to tell your H, then leave -- divorce him (even though it will devastate him, not knowing WHY).

[willing]

But the past 2-3 weeks, I have been feeling horrible. I miss him so much and I have been having sleepless nights. No matter how much I try to not think about him, I can't seem to stop obsessing about him. It is so much easier said than done. For people who has never been in this position, they wouldn't understand the draw to the "drug." This past few days, my heart aches when I see him and it took every ounce of restraint of my part not to touch him.

 

I have been in this position, and my advice to you is to examine your life at the moment... in my situation, I obsessed more over OM when I was feeling lonely/sad/down in my own life.

When I was happy and upbeat, busy and social I didn't think of him in any kind of longing way... try improving your life so that you have happiness outside of OM... I think that will help reduce your obsession and longing.

[Athena]

 

The therapist that I saw was not just a regular counselor. When I called to find someone who can work with marriage issues, she was recommended. What was even weirder was that she was in the same position that I was in. She cheated on her husband, married the man, and later they divorced.

 

But, like my counselor said, it's quite self-serving. Esp. since it provides relief for me to get it off my chest.

 

Wait -- so your Marriage counselor is a woman who cheated on her H, divorced him, married her OM and divorced him too... and it's HER advice you are following on How To Save Your Marriage? hmmmm

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wait -- so your Marriage counselor is a woman who cheated on her H, divorced him, married her OM and divorced him too... and it's HER advice you are following on How To Save Your Marriage? hmmmm

 

 

LOL that's exactly what I said!!!

 

Anyone else see the madness of that situation??? in itself.

[jnj express]

You have been talking about your mood swings and problems with depression, since ending the A., has your H. not noticed this difference in the way you act and carry your self around the home., were you at all depressed prior to the A., basically is there a noticable change in your outward demeanor toward your H. family, and friends, that they could pick up on.

[jany]

u91746: You asked what was it about this person that makes me feel this way.. and if it is the secrecy. I think it is both. We have been working for almost a year together and we got close. He is very funny, witty, and charming and I was attracted to his personality. We bantered a lot which seems to increase the attraction. It is not really because he gave me attention because there were other men in the office whom I know is interested/attracted to me, but I am not interested in them at all. Somehow there is this intense chemistry between us. Clearly, when we started messing around, the secrecy intensifies the chemistry and attraction.

 

Athena: You are right. I am very addicted to the positive aspects of the affair. Thanks for understanding what I am going through. People who has not experience this would not understand the pull. It's hard to explain. The thing is, how is it possible that he was able to show such restraint NOW and why not at the beginning before this all starts? He was the one who made the first move! What is even more perplexing is that he was able to stop before we had sex. How is it a guy can show so much of restraint?

 

JNJ: Well, depression and anxieties is nothing new to me and my husband probably assumed that I am having a hard time at work. Which is true. It's very strange... through this whole thing, I have hinted and would have like him to grill me and get the truth out of me, and to be suspicious. Sort of like I wanted to be found out because this was killing me. But, he never suspected anything.

 

My counselor has really taken a beating in this forum. I think it's a little harsh as she realized what she did years ago was wrong and had been advising me to stop my harmful behavior. She actually used herself as an example of how she ruined her first marriage, and married the person she cheated with and how she couldn't stayed with the OM. Contrary to what others think, she was one who has experience in this whole infidelity stuff. She has gone through it and she was able to show great understanding of what I am going through. How is she any worse than a MC who has never experience an affair or been a victim and was just a textbook-based counselor?

[tweldy]

No, I have not told my husband yet. I spoke to my counselor about this, and she said she understand some people may think it is necessary, but for my situation, she doesn't think it's going to help. Plus, she thinks telling him would be self-serving.

 

I am not putting all the blame on OM. I have doubt that I am just as guilty. When I said he is the driver, I meant to say that he has the control of our relationship - as in when we met, chat, or stopped. Not at all implying in any way that I was the "victim" here. Because, clearly I am not.

 

 

Secrets will kill your marriage, get another counselor. Self serving? Yeah, it will serve as an opportunity to be honest and get it all out in the open. I'm not judging you or anything, everyone makes mistakes and considering the forum a lot of people have made a lot worse mistakes than you have. Whereas being open and working through this with your spouse will be a good way to ensure it never happens again, keeping it as a dark little secret will simply open the door to more secrecy and invite this sort of thing to happen again.

[Bryanp]

I find your comment that you would like your husband to be suspicious and grill you so you could tell him the truth amazing. Maybe the reason he does not question you and suspect anything is because he has respect for you and would never believe you would be capable of betraying him this way. Your comment makes it seem like it is almost your husband's faulth for not questioning you because if he did you would tell him the truth. You are shifting the blame to him for not asking and questioning you. What is wrong with this picture? If you have any respect left for your husband you will tell him the truth, otherwise you are playing him for a complete fool. Does he really deserve your failure to tell him the truth? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[Owl]

u91746: You asked what was it about this person that makes me feel this way.. and if it is the secrecy. I think it is both. We have been working for almost a year together and we got close. He is very funny, witty, and charming and I was attracted to his personality. We bantered a lot which seems to increase the attraction. It is not really because he gave me attention because there were other men in the office whom I know is interested/attracted to me, but I am not interested in them at all. Somehow there is this intense chemistry between us. Clearly, when we started messing around, the secrecy intensifies the chemistry and attraction.

 

Athena: You are right. I am very addicted to the positive aspects of the affair. Thanks for understanding what I am going through. People who has not experience this would not understand the pull. It's hard to explain. The thing is, how is it possible that he was able to show such restraint NOW and why not at the beginning before this all starts? He was the one who made the first move! What is even more perplexing is that he was able to stop before we had sex. How is it a guy can show so much of restraint?

 

JNJ: Well, depression and anxieties is nothing new to me and my husband probably assumed that I am having a hard time at work. Which is true. It's very strange... through this whole thing, I have hinted and would have like him to grill me and get the truth out of me, and to be suspicious. Sort of like I wanted to be found out because this was killing me. But, he never suspected anything.

 

My counselor has really taken a beating in this forum. I think it's a little harsh as she realized what she did years ago was wrong and had been advising me to stop my harmful behavior. She actually used herself as an example of how she ruined her first marriage, and married the person she cheated with and how she couldn't stayed with the OM. Contrary to what others think, she was one who has experience in this whole infidelity stuff. She has gone through it and she was able to show great understanding of what I am going through. How is she any worse than a MC who has never experience an affair or been a victim and was just a textbook-based counselor?

 

I'd say that your counselor set a great example...of what not to do.

 

But, the REAL question is, did she learn from what she did? Does she now advocate cheating/exit affairs/etc...? Or does she work to save the MARRIAGE?

 

That's the key you're still missing...she's not in this to save your marriage...she's ONLY in it for "you".

 

A marriage counselor is focused on saving/reconciling/or ending if need be the marriage. An IC is focused solely on the individual.

 

An IC's advice, being SOLELY geared for the individual, will often be detrimental to the marriage. An MC is working for BOTH partners, and therefore will give guidance that is in the interests of EVERYONE involved...not just an individual.

 

If you wish/wished that your H would get suspiscious/grill you about the affair so that the truth came out...why don't you simply step up to the plate, and do the right thing ON YOUR OWN FREE WILL?

 

Doesn't he deserve the truth? Even if it makes you uncomfortable...doesn't he deserve it? Do you simply not care enough about him to put what he needs ahead of your wants long enough to get the truth out there and let him have his chance to do whatever he needs in this whole situation?

[In Like Flynn]

About still working with the cheating partner. I have seen this on every site I have gone to that it never works long term to still work anywhere near the other person!!! The saying fits......cheaters who work together will cheat together!! They all say and actually believe that they won't and they are the exception but all it takes is your OM having problems with his marriage then he will be back.

 

The sad part is your husband doesn't know whats going on with you. He probably thinks he is doing something wrong every time you have withdrawal symptoms!! Either get another job or tell your husband whats going on so it will help keep you away from the OM.