Sideburns Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I have been having a hard time communicating with my girlfriend. It appears to me that when I try to express a concern to her, about something that is bothering me regarding my life, our life or her life, or the world ... She attempts to turn it around on me as if she is going without or is a victim. Not long ago I approached her and said that I was unhappy with our living arrangement because I feel like I don't have a place of my own within our apartment. Instead of listening and being supportive she immediately snaps back with "Where's my own place in the apartment?". Whether she has one or not I would say that it is not a fair response and that when someone expresses concerns it is their concern and not to be trumped by any other force. Then as I explain this to her I'm in a whole other heap of trouble where she storms off and acts like a total child. (Her childishness is something I've addressed in another post). I'm afraid that there is no more living with this person. I find the whole apartment is decorated by her and that I have little to no say in where things go or how they are done. I'm just expected to work, pay the rent, buy the groceries, drive her around and take her out but because I get to spend the day at work - meaning I get out of the house that means that I'm having a good time without her? 14 hours a day on a tractor or doing some other godforsaken job for a pittance of a paycheck. G'ah! Why can't something be about me and me alone for once? ... The worst part of everything is that a large part of why I don't end things is financial. I'm trying to straighten all that out before making life much more difficult for both of us.
HsMomma Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Not long ago I approached her and said that I was unhappy with our living arrangement because I feel like I don't have a place of my own within our apartment. Instead of listening and being supportive she immediately snaps back with "Where's my own place in the apartment?". Whether she has one or not I would say that it is not a fair response and that when someone expresses concerns it is their concern and not to be trumped by any other force. Then as I explain this to her I'm in a whole other heap of trouble where she storms off and acts like a total child. (Her childishness is something I've addressed in another post). I'm afraid that there is no more living with this person. G'ah! Why can't something be about me and me alone for once? ... The worst part of everything is that a large part of why I don't end things is financial. I'm trying to straighten all that out before making life much more difficult for both of us. Sideburns, maybe it's the way you're bringing things up? I don't know - I don't know enough about your situation to answer that. What I DO know is that men & women hear things differently. If you're unhappy about something & make a statement about it (i.e. not being happy with the living arrangement because you don't feel you have your own space), she may be taking this as a direct criticism of her. Sounds like she's put some effort into decorating your place together & your making a statement like that may be seen by her as her having "failed" at making a nice home. Sometimes a better approach is..."Honey, you've done a terrific job of making our place a home. I need some help with something - I kind of feel like I don't have my own space here & since you're so good at this kind of thing, I was hoping you could help me figure out how to make a "me" place." Same feelings getting expressed, but in a manner that shouldn't make her defensive. You say you don't know if you can live with "this person" any more - I have to say that, reading that, it doesn't sound as if you have much respect for her. What do you think would change that? Does she not work outside the home? You said you feel like she thinks you're out having fun all day while you're working & it sounded like she's at home during that time. If she's not working outside the home, do you think she might want to? Maybe if she gets out & is dealing with other people/situations, it would make things more balanced in the relationship, as well as financially.
aidanhh Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 The one thing I've learned through my relationships is that every person needs to be asked the same question differently to respond in their best way. My mother sounds a lot like your girlfriend, snappy, childish, its not my fault attitude (I can only assume this is how she is from your post), and with my mother my father has to be careful how he asks things, making sure its all praise and no negetivity can be sucked in anyway from his question. Frankly, it's exhausting to watch. It took me a long time to learn how to approach my husband, and he me, about something for the best possible result. Luckily, I found (and I hope he could say the same) that once we figured one another out in that way (what makes us tick, what baggage we hold), communicating grew much easier and even became second nature. Like you're talking to yourself. But it took time and understanding to figure each other out. If the relationship is worth it to you, I think that's you're first step. Try different approaches. Don't get stuck asking for things the same way and getting the flare-up in response. However the frusteration you feel already in your relationship, just from your post, kinda suggests there may be more issues than simple questions... just observing though.
Author Sideburns Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 thanks for sharing with me, I appreciate your input. I think you are right insofar as different methods of asking etc... And you are also right about there being other issues. But I am trying to work things out and it's one problem at a time, heh. I just don't know any other way to approach things. Maybe I'm too thick headed but I try my best at a positively reinforced method, I try the ultra-rational a-motional approach or the negative ultimatum approach. I'm not sure what else there is. I feel like if I have to carefully suggest things and be all snake like in getting what I want then the getting is tainted before it is got. If you have any suggestions on how I can better go about communicating I'd really like to know them. I love my girlfriend very much but I am losing my mind over her.
HsMomma Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 If you have any suggestions on how I can better go about communicating I'd really like to know them. That's what we've been trying to do:o
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