Tired, so tired...

[beanzmom]

Hi everyone:

I happened upon this website completely by accident and saw some of the great advice that's been given here. I'm hoping you can help me with my situation and offer an objective point of view. I will be as objective as I can be and leave my personal feelings out of it as much as I can.

 

My husband and I have been married 12 years. We have two beautiful children, ages 8 and 2. My oldest was born when we lived miles away from our hometown, moved there so that I could start my career. He did not have a degree, and I did, and it was a mutual decision that I should start my career. He was a police officer and believed he could find work in that nearly anywhere. When we moved to our new city, he found the requirements were not the same (bachelor's degree required) and he found himself working construction. I started my career and worked a lot of hours. My father was diagnosed with Melanoma during our first year in our new city and progressively got worse, despite treatment. We were nearly 300 miles from home with no family or friends and my father was very ill. Stress...

 

DH and I decided to have a baby to honor my father's request to see his grandchild before he passes. We got pregnant right away and everything was great. That is, until morning sickness. I was hormonal, SICK 24 hours a day and very very scared. I guess I snapped at my DH a lot, never realized I did it. Not an excuse, I know. As my pregnancy progressed, my DH pulled away from me. He said I was bitchy, rude, ignorant. We did not have sex my entire pregnancy with my DD as he said it was gross. 9 months without intimacy. I begged, pleaded, even strode into the room naked. Nothing worked. He was tuned into his computer games and beers. As time went on, I noticed he would get calls from one of his co-workers, an 18 year old girl who my DH said was a friend. She would call and he would get up and leave home (even on his days off) and pick her up at work and supposedly take her home. She lived with her parents, worked full time and yet did not have a car of her own? I began to suspect he was having an affair, though he denied it. One time I found a small hair clip in my car that I KNEW was not mine. It could have fallen off of her inadvertantly, but it was one of those "alligator" clips that stick in your hair well. I ignored it.

 

After our DD was born, things didn't get any better. I took a layoff at work so that we could move home. We did and DH went back to school while I looked for a job. It was during that time that we lived with my parents. Stressful, yes. We had no privacy and co-slept with my DD (HIS CHOICE). Sex was when we could have it in the family room in the basement. little intimacy. After a year of looking for jobs we finally moved out and into our own apartment. DH purchased a computer (laptop) and left it out on the table one day when he left for work. I was in the process of looking for a house for us and went on to start that day's search. I went into the history file and saw that he had visited several porn sites, including Adult Friend Finder.com. I went onto the site and saw that he had created an account for himself and that he was looking for someone for a one-night stand as his wife was cold and wanted nothing of him. I was sick. I confronted him when he returned home and he denied any wrongdoing, saying he went on it just to see what it was all about and that he had to create an account to access the site. True, as I needed to create one to get on, but why did he have to say the things he did about our marriage? I asked for counseling (he said our problem was he wasn't getting enough sex) and he said no. So I forgave him, thinking that would be the last of it.

 

Life went on. We bought a house and I had what could be equated to a nervous breakdown. Stress at work, at home and from all angles just took a toll on me and I cracked. At the worst of it, I developed phobias. My DH ignored what I was going through and told me it was nothing a little sex couldn't fix. I went to counseling and overcame my irrational fears and now am 100% better. No meds or anything like that. :-) So during that time, I noticed DH was going online. A lot. He was drinking a lot, too. He would close down pages when I entered the room, trying to hide what he was doing. He would stay up until all hours of the night, chatting on online chat rooms. I never did uncover any of them, but I did see one day when accessing the family e-mail that he had exchanged pix with another woman. She was in China, but was real. I sent the pix to my work e-mail and confronted him. He said that it was all fantasy and that it wasn't hurting anyone. There was evidence that he was masturbating (he left the lotion/lube on the table!) and that he was taking this chatting to a new level. I asked him a second time for counseling and he said no, that the problem could be fixed with more sex. I agreed to try and be "sexier" for him. Basically to keep him from cheating online. At this time, I was basically appalled by him. He drank every night, to the point of vomiting 2-3 times per week. He would wake me up in the night from a sound sleep to the sound of his being sick in the bathroom. I was assaulted when I was in college by a drunken guy, so the smell of alcohol while being "intimate" is a real turnoff, to the point of my going into fight or flight mode.

 

Things didn't get any better. My SIL decided that she and my DH needed to go to real estate school together. So my DH quit his job and started school. This was back when real estate was ultra hot. He signed up with a realtor and everything was looking up. He was excited about the new career path. I told him that we would be okay, my salary could cover the bills for a few months while he was in school (only 8 weeks) and that anything he brought home would go to food and clothing. We found out shortly afterward that I was expecting my DS. I was worried about money, but thought DH's career would get moving and we would be okay. He graduated from real estate school and went to training at the agency. He came home from that one day training, plunked himself down in front of the computer and didn't move (except to take his family around town) for nearly a year. He didn't answer the calls from the agency, didn't work, didn't do anything but play computer games and chauffer his family for a year. I went to work every day, worked extra hours, was pregnant and paid all bills, shopped, cleaned house, etc. by myself. we were not making ends meet, so I had to use the credit cards to buy food for the family. Every time his father would "help us out" by slipping him a $20 my DH would spend it on alcohol. I tried to point out to him that the $20 he received could have bought food for us for a few days, he ignored me. After about 6 months of this and my continual nagging, he finally went through a succession of crappy mall jobs, each one making him more and more depressed. He took his frustration out on me and our daughter. He was verbally abusive and neglected us entirely.

 

My blood pressure was high and they suspected pre-eclampsia. I was having problems. My DH wanted to hear nothing of what was happening and tuned us out completely. He came to the hospital with me the day my DS was born (emergency cesarean), continually complaining that he didn't want to be there. LIKE I DID!!! After having DS I was in the hospital four nights. On the second day, he left for nearly 9 hours to install a window air conditioner in my parent's window. 9 hours????? I called home and was told that he was sleeping. I was on meds, couldn't hold the baby by myself and was separated from him because of this. DH knew this, yet went home to take a shower and nap.

 

Okay. so things progressed at home. We brought DS home and it seemed as if we would be happy again. We co-slept with our DS (again, HIS choice), so there was no intimacy in the bedroom, still. I was going through a lot at that time, handling basically two full-time jobs at work (my boss was fired and I was asked to step in and do her work, plus mine). That, combined with the financial situation, a new baby in the house, his aunt (aged 70) now living with us and a husband drifting towards alcoholism I was not exactly wanting intimacy. nearly a month went by without any sex. DH stopped talking to me, stopped acknowledging my presence. It was horrible. He would leave the room when I would enter, address me only when absolutely necessary and with one-word answers.

 

One day I went on the family e-mail account to clear it out when I saw e-mails from Craig's List. Not quite sure what that was, I clicked on one of the e-mails. He had been propositioning women for one-night stands and answering personals for the same! He gave details of where he worked, asking if a hookup could take place there. I decided to watch the situation and sent the e-mails to my work computer. I watched it for nearly two weeks, each night's e-mails sent to my work e-mail address. In two weeks he propositioned nearly 20 women. He caught me on the computer one morning (luckily I was on my work calendar) and he yelled "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I answered, "I'm checking to see if I have a meeting this morning...aren't I allowed?" and he stormed off. That day I contacted an attorney. After the initial meeting, the attorney told me what to say to DH, to tell him I wanted a separation. I went home and told DH. He listened to what I had to say and then said, "so where am I supposed to go?" I told him that was his problem. He then said, "Can we please try counseling?" I agreed and made the appointment the next day. We found an excellent counselor, went once per week. Things were looking up. He understood my problem with alcohol, how it affects me (revulsion in intimate settings) and what I was feeling. I also understood what he was thinking. At least, I think I did.

 

Very long story short, our entire married problems stem from the idea that he isn't getting enough sex. When I don't "put out" enough, he ignores me. I consider that emotional abuse. He won't look me in the eyes, won't touch me. In fact, he won't touch me unless he knows he's "getting some" that night. Most of the times, it's a quick grope of the breasts or buttocks when I'm busy with something, like dishes or taking care of one of the kids. When I tell him to knock it off, he gets angry.

 

I am at my wit's end. He has become very brooding of late. He drinks a considerable amount (a fifth of whiskey and a case of beer in two days) and smokes like a chimney. He won't touch me unless it's with the promise of sex. I did an experiment last week..I acted as if I were a vixen. I seduced him three nights in a row. He was very open and commented on how awesome it was that I was acting all "sexy" and even went so far as to touch me on the shoulder the one day in a friendly way. Wow. The fourth night my neice and MIL came to stay overnight. I had a huge project to handle and was going to be working on it all weekend. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly cheery about it. DH, in his usual manner, started telling me how I needed to complete the project. I told him that I would take care of it, that it was something my boss was supposed to do for the president and that my name was on the file as the person who completed it. DH then (rather nastily) said, "Are you going to do it the way I tell you, or are you going to do it your normal rat-ass way?" HUH? I told him I would handle it and he said "I don't want to hear about it when your boss takes credit for the work". Since then, he has been rude, ignorant and intolerable to live with. He is on the computer again late into the night and erases the history and cache when he's done. He changed the password on the family e-mail and has not given it to me. He has been late coming home three hours on two occasions in two weeks and is now ignoring me again. He tried to institute sex the other night, but I had an itchy rash on my legs (I get this from the sun) and he got angry and stormed off to bed because I was scratching while he was trying to "turn me on" by running his fingers lightly up and down my legs (making them itchier!).

 

I come to work and think about telling him to leave. I think I want him to leave. I feel I'm being taken advantage of and my kids are seeing things that aren't appropriate. He plays video games a lot on the computer and (in the silence in the room with the kids sleeping) yells out "WHAT THE F*CK!" at the top of his lungs and other profanity. He does this at night when the kids and I are trying to sleep or I'm relaxing and watching a TV show or reading (I am lucky I get an hour's time to myself per day and he ruins it with this behavior). I'm constantly on edge and am finding it harder to go home at night. I get all tense inside. He makes it obvious that he is looking at another woman's 'assets' and my daughter has picked up on it. I tried to institute sex last night and he turned me down and passed out on the sofa.

 

The only thing holding me back from telling him to leave is his aunt. She is elderly, lives with us and has no family. We're it. And she is very good to us, helping with the kids, the chores and financially. I think that they (DH and auntie) could find a place together in the area, but I keep thinking they couldn't afford it without my help. DH works part-time.

 

Advice please! Thanks for reading this diatribe.

[2sure]

He doesnt want a wife, he needs a supervisor.

Honey, there is more to life than this.

He isnt your job. He isnt your child.

You are not nuts, he is driving you crazy. How much faster do you want to get there and do you really want to take your kids on that ride??

 

OUT. Keep the Aunt.

[beanzmom]

First off, thanks for reading that whole thing. At first I thought it was me. Now I"m starting to see the manipulative things he's doing. I just found out (from Auntie, nonetheless) that he spent a week in the psych ward of our local hospital when he was a kid. I believe his parents would have drove him insane. They are completely abusive people. DH never told me about this experience. Isn't that something that you would share with your spouse? Criminy knows I told him everything about me, even the completely embarrassing stuff.

 

The thing that boils my butter is the fact that he's always commenting on how I always have a scowl on my face, I never smile anymore. He always asks me why I'm such a bitch. REALLY? Could the fact that I"m living under a cloud of CRAP have anything to do with that? I love how it's all meeeee and nothing HIMMMMMM...

 

I see him with the kids and think how great a dad he is, playing with them and spending time with them. Then he gets more alcohol in him and starts swearing and acting like a jerk. I know the kids love him, but I see the hurt in their eyes when he turns them away when he is on the computer and doesn't want to be bothered.

[DNU1]

beanzmom: sorry you are here. I hate to be the one to say this, but your H is having some sort of an affair. Be it EA or PA, something smells rotten in denmark!

 

Start by keyloggin his computer. Spectorsoft.com has some great keyloggers that will record every keystroke and show you screen shots from sites he visits. No cache / washer will be able to erase where he goes...you will see it ALL! And you will get e-mails accounts and passwords.

 

Guard this information with your life. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR SOURCES IF INTEL!

 

Put a voice activated recorder in his car. GPS his car. clone his phone so you can see incoming and outgoing text messages. Check credit card bills and phone bills carefully. If he's got a smartphone (blackberry, iphone, windows mobile) check out flexispy.com. Great software!

 

You need to see what he's doing in order to make a sound decision about your marriage. All signs point to an affair of some sorts.

 

If he's not having an affair, I'd seriously consider throwing his tail out based on verbal abuse, alcoholism, etc. Talk to your attorney.

 

I'd start with snooping him and gathering information first. See what he's doing on-line. Get information. Get proof.

 

Then think long and hard about what you want to do in your marriage.

 

My STBxWW cheated on my twice 15 years ago when she was in med school. She came clean, we counseled and we worked on things...life was good, or so I thought. In Dec I found out about an affair with one of my hunting buddies! I was petrified cause I was stay-at-home-dad, no job, no income..and she a doc. I researched, found this and marriagebuilders.com and researched my tail off. I wanted to recover the marriage...and worked hard to do so. But I followed others advice and snooped her tail off!

 

All along she kept saying there was no one else...ever. Told me to my face many times there was no other skeletons in closet.

 

And in early May my snooping paid off...there was another man. A doc she worked with. She tried to lie her way out of that one, but I just said we would polygraph...she finally came clean (and I didn't give up my sources of spying), saying she slept with him two years ago! Said it was over between them...but she sees him every day.

 

And the texts I saw doesn't make it look like things are over between then.

 

Anyway, it was straight to Plan Divorce!

 

Hang in there...snoop. Find out information. You need to know.

[beanzmom]

Thanks, DNU1. I'm sorry I'm here, too. I have suspected an affair for quite a while, especially considering the emphasis he puts on sex. It goes back to that 18 year old girl he worked with. He denied it emphatically, but I still suspected.

 

I had a crying conversation with a guy I've been friends with since high school. He is happily married and I'm good friends with his wife. In fact, we have plans (she and I) to take our collective kids to the park on Sunday so we can talk. I spoke with "Ted" for about an hour, most of that spent incoherently bawling. Ted is a sympathetic ear, so it helped.

 

I am so hurt. DH gave me a kiss when I came home from work (the usual peck), had dinner made (SURPRISE!) and ate. I started telling him that I was thinking of going with Ted's wife to the Arts Festival this weekend and he proceeded to say it's a "fag fest" and he "hopes it thunderstorms so badly it's cancelled". I show interest in something and want to take the kids and he has to squash it. flat. so I made alternate plans with Ted's wife to take the kids to the park the following day. I just want to keep the peace.

 

I wanted to tell you all about another instance that really scared me about him. The kids and I came home from my DD's dance class one evening and it was still sunny out. The forecast called for frost, so I wanted to go out into the garden and cover the new plants. I told DH (who was on the computer, near the front door, back to it) that I was going out back and got no response, as usual. So I went out back. I heard something on the other side of our wood fence and looked inbetween the slats. It was our 2 almost 3-year-old, running the length of the fence, outside in the neighbor's yard. I ran into the house and out the door. DH said, "what's going on" and I said "our son" and ran after him. We don't live on a busy streeet at all, but it's the idea... So he ran out after me and started calling me an asshOl3, yelling at me in front of our home for the neighbors to hear. I got defensive and started telling him anything to stop yelling at me. In fact, I told him that it was his fault our son was outside, as he was right there by the door and I had told him to watch him. He screamed at me, denied hearing me and accused me of being a bad parent and it wound up with me grabbing my purse and trying to leave. Anything to make the screaming stop. He called me a drama queen and Auntie barred me from leaving. I told him to stop, he continued yelling at me, pointing in my face and screaming at me. So I apologized, his only stopping his crazed yelling when I started crying and admitted it was all my fault. With anyone else it would have been a scary moment and "let's be more careful next time". But these things with him are drawn out to the emotional extreme. He's done this one other time, when he instigated a fight with me when I was only a few months pregnant. He threw away my dinner because of some crazy idea that I was not happy with what he made. Um, never was. He wound up punching himself in the head screaming, "SHUT UP!!!" "I"M THE ASSH0l3" "FU". I took my DD, who was 4 at the time, and we went to my SIL's house. I was scared for our safety, i'd never seen anyone freak out like that before. Big mistake involving them, but I had no other place to go. They kept me and DD at the house for hours until I had calmed down. MIL called DD, who said, "I just wanted her to shut up". Yeah. I defended myself and denied the claims he made that I didnt appreciate him and he freaked out. I asked my MIL to talk to DH after that, and of course she never did. His family is freaking useless...

[z1850]

Have you tried going to church together?

[beanzmom]

Ha, that's funny. Not to be rude, but I attend church weekly and take the kids. DH is some cross between an athiest and an agnostic. He grew up Catholic and lost his way when he was a young teenager. I'm active in my church and my DH ridicules me for it. He forebade my children to be baptized, which I did anyway, against his wishes. they are my kids, too! He even threatened a legal injunction against me to bar me from taking them to church with me. What a joke. I'm raising them in my faith and he has since backed down. But I still hear him telling them that it's all a bunch of Hooey.

 

What I don't understand is, every time there is a show on religion on The History Channel or TLC, he's all into it. He reads books on religion all the time. It makes no sense.

[z1850]

Pray for him. The Spirit may be calling him, but he's resisting. Get other people to pray for him. Don't give up.

[Gunny376]

Sex is a great way to start out a day, and great way to end one, but what are you going to do with the other 23-1/2 hours?

 

There's more to marraige than sex?

 

There's more to marriage than getting blind drunk each day.

 

Or stoned out of your mind.

 

Sounds to me as though your bringing more to the table than he is.

 

Why are you still with this @zzhat?

 

Greyhound has buses leaving out of every town ~ everyday!

 

U-Haul? They're renting moving vans each and every single day!

 

Time to catch the bus to Mexico ~ and get busy living your Life!

 

Tine to rub a little sunshine on your face!

 

Time to get busy living your life!

 

Internet Porn?

 

Just crazy people chasing after crazy people!

 

Yea that's real life?

 

I do believe in "threesomes" though!

 

Me, her, and a MD! Along with some blood work up!

[MotoMan]

Sounds like your H has serious self esteem issues, and that he's figured out how to manipulate you. If he's a big enough jerk to scare the crap out of you, you give him what he wants to make him stop. It's his "winning formula", and he won't stop until it doesn't get him the results he wants.

 

Your #1 focus as a mother is probably your children's safety, and if your H hurt your kids, you'd never forgive yourself because you'd know you could've prevented it by getting them out of the situation. Get out and let your H grow up. He's not forced to get out and do something productive with his life when his W and aunt take care of him and tacitly enable his behavior. Get some IC for you, and possibly the kids too.

[Gunny376]

Agreed with!

[beanzmom]

Thanks, everybody. You are absolutely right. I need to "man up" or, in my case, "woman up" and do what needs to be done. You all have been so patient and kind to read my novel and offer some great advice. :-)

 

My friends (the ones I have left after he belittled them to me to the point of giving them up to stop the constant stress) and my family both have told me time and time again that he is killing me. My brother told me that I'm nothing like what i used to be and it makes him sad (I used to be so happy, full of life and love for everyone and everything). Now I'm cynical, sad, I can't let go to have fun. I'm constantly on guard and watching my back for something I may do or he may interpret wrong and "start on me". I get stress at work, stress at home and feel guilty when I DO take time out for myself. I haven't had a haircut since November because I can't justify the expense. Luckily I have long, straight hair that I can trim myself, LOL! And I cut the kids' hair myself (I've gotten quite good, if I do say so myself! LOL) I don't buy new clothes because of our financial situation. I spend what money we do have on the kids, buying them new shoes, clothes, putting food on the table. YET he can justify $60 per week on alcohol and, at a pack a day, $40 per week. That's $400 per month on cigarettes and alcohol! And he brings home $600 per month! We are nearly $17,000 in debt in credit cards because he "shut down" and didn't work and I had to feed the family somehow.

[beanzmom]

Gunny,

Sex is a great way to start out a day, and great way to end one, but what are you going to do with the other 23-1/2 hours?

In his eyes, brood because he's not getting any. And complain about the people in the world and tell me repeatedly how we need a natural disaster like a super flu to wipe out half the world's population so he can go and shoot people for fun. He talks about anarchy and end-of-the-world scenarios all the time. It gets downright scary at times. Normally I hear as much as I can stomach and walk away.

 

There's more to marraige than sex?

Yes there is. There is emotional attachment, there is loving kindness. There is doing things as a couple and as a family. We went out for our anniversary and he did nothing but complain about my friends (who are "theatre people" and therefore, beneath him. He went as far as to say that he hated "theatre people". I told him he married one and his daughter was becoming one and that shut him up!). He didn't look me in the eye throughout our dinner, because my MIL was at the house staying over and he wasn't going to get any sex that evening. We took our first family vacation last year to Disney (his aunt paid for the trip as a gift to us). It was a wreck. I was constantly worried about him "going off" because fo the crowds, the kids, etc. He got mad at the stroller and threw it around so much he broke it. HE has no patience for anything. We were stuck in the hotel room because Hurricane Fay hit that week. We had one day that we were inside and couldn't do anything. The kids were quietly watching TV (kids shows) and DH said he couldn't stand it anymore and changed the channel. The kids went ape crazy and started making a ruckus. He got mad and went down to the gift shop and bought a bottle of whiskey. I was never so happy to leave my favorite place in the world than I was then!

There's more to marriage than getting blind drunk each day.

Amen to that!!!

 

Or stoned out of your mind.

 

Sounds to me as though your bringing more to the table than he is.

I am! I carry health insurance for the family. I work 8.5 to 9 hours per day with a 2-hour commute round trip to "bring home the bacon" (he works three days a week to fit his school schedule). I handle all legal stuff including preparing stuff for taxes, pay bills, make and keep appointments (he just needs to show up). I handle all the kids school stuff, family social calendars (birthdays, weddings, graduations), I do all the grocery shopping, take the kids to church, shop for their clothes. I spend Saturdays at theatre classes, Monday nights at Dance class. Oh, and I work for a college, so DH's tuition is free. So you can count that into the mix, as well because I fill out all his paperwork, including his grant applications to help pay for the fees that my work contract does not cover. I pulled some strings to get him into his major because I'm on good terms with the Dean. I do all of this because he's seemingly incapable of doing it without a blowup or a meltdown. The F word is yelled a lot when he has to actually DO anything. So I just take over.

 

Why are you still with this @zzhat?

Sir, that is the million-dollar question. Maybe it's because it's what I'm used to. Maybe it's because I still love him (or what he USED to be) and think that he will turn things around. But it's been YEARS since he has been fun or even had an interest in me. I talk about my friends all the time and he will say "WHO?" when I mention a name. My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and he spent the entire viewing (both of them) in the back room, except when he went out to smoke. She was very special to me and I was heartbroken to begin with. He complained to me that he had to go to the funeral. When she was in the hospital, I had the kids with me and wanted to take them home and come back. He asked why, she's there, dying, and there's nothing you can do about it. Um, how about be there for my family? So I went home to shut him up and missed my grandmother's passing. I didn't get to say goodbye to her and it's something I'll never forget.

 

Greyhound has buses leaving out of every town ~ everyday!

 

U-Haul? They're renting moving vans each and every single day!

 

Time to catch the bus to Mexico ~ and get busy living your Life!

 

Tine to rub a little sunshine on your face!

I'm starting to, believe me! I'm seeing friends again, talking to people and making plans to go out like a normal human being. My friends all have kids, so they are becoming friends and it's great! I never EVER in a million years thought I would be friendliess and sad. NEVER. It's so nice to have them back in my life. DH isn't happy about it, but nurts to him...

 

Time to get busy living your life!

 

Internet Porn?

 

Just crazy people chasing after crazy people!

 

Yea that's real life?

 

I do believe in "threesomes" though!

 

Me, her, and a MD! Along with some blood work up!

[beanzmom]

Okay, here's an update. DH, who was once so gung-ho with sex has turned me down twice in two days. We haven't had sex in nearly two weeks. Reason? too tired. Very atypical of him, considering he typically can't go more than two days without it. At least he's acknowledging my presence in the room now, so that's a bright spot. LOL

 

I had a "grown up" talk with my daughter, who is 8. She understands and is being very adult about the whole situation. I also asked her not to tell anyone about our conversation, that it was just between us and that I was proud of her for being so grown about it. I also told her that she would see her daddy probably every day, so that was a relief to her.

 

I also talked to "Auntie" (his aunt who lives with us) and her advice is to break it off. Flat out. She said we tried a few years ago to fix things and it's just not working. He has just as many frustrations about me as I do about him. I told her that I would be willing to see if he would quit the drinking, that may be a major driving factor in his behavior. She wants to talk to him about it as well.

 

I have my suspicions, but I think that he is hooking up with someone. He is not one to turn down sex for any reason and to turn me down twice in two days is cause for suspicion...The odd thing is, I would be relieved if that were the case. I don't think I would have any animosity towards him for it, would just want my freedom. And it would be very important for us to at least get along for the kids' sake.