temptris33 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 This is going to be very brief but it bugs me every day. My bf and I have been together for 7 years. We live together. I need help on this before I confront him and it all goes to heck. THree years ago I had found questionable text msgs on his cell phone. Ok. He gave me exuses/reasons. His ex gf had been calling alot and it just hit me one day to look. Thats not the issue tho right now. He hides his cell from me. I dont actively look for it. I just know he keeps it so I cant look at it. He leaves it in his truck at night and never brings it in. He doesnt have it around me. HIs excuse at one point was that he doesnt want me to see something from one of the guys and get all upset about it. Ok well why would i get upset at something nasty or whatever that his guy friends send him? Ok so my question is.. would you trust your boyfriend if he hides his cell from you? or do you think hes got something to hide and thats why hes so guarded with it? I just need some answers before I ask him if I could see it. A few weeks ago he was caught lying about something really stupid and I already had trust issues with him and that just made it worse. So am I being unreasonable for wanting to ask to look? It bugs me EVERY day. Thanks for your help
missdependant Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Relationships without trust fail. Leave the issue alone. If you don't trust him, and if it's been going on for this long you should probably consider leaving him. Digging through his personal things isn't going to make the situation better. So lets say you look through it, and you find nothing.. you will start looking in NEW places for reasons not to trust him. Or turn it into a very annoying habit. Lets say you DO find something. You've just confirmed your suspicions. Then what? More drama? The situation seems lose-lose to me. Instead of snooping, COMMUNICATE with him. Tell him your concerns, and that you don't trust him.
Sam Spade Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 That's delicate. In general no - he shouldn't be going out of his way to hide his cell phone. But, if you have (or if he thinks that you have) snooping tendencies, he may be doing it just to make a point. At least I know that I'd be irritated and would put my phone away, even if I had nothing to hide. Or more innoquously, although I don't have anything to hide in my email, I wouldn't leave it open or give her my password... One way or another, you need to resolve it, resentment will probably only get worse if you don't.
Author temptris33 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 another problem is that I CANT communicate with him. If I try to talk to him it always ends up with him being defensive and angry. I walk on egg shells with this person. If I could just talk to him about things and get some understanding and communication back from him then thats the route I would go. If there is ever an issue he takes it personally and turns things back aorund on me. Its so stupid. I would never just check his phone without asking tho. I did it once and I wouldnt do it again. I just have this constant nagging stuff every day and I cant shake it.
MissHollywood Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 another problem is that I CANT communicate with him. If I try to talk to him it always ends up with him being defensive and angry. I walk on egg shells with this person. If I could just talk to him about things and get some understanding and communication back from him then thats the route I would go. If there is ever an issue he takes it personally and turns things back aorund on me. Its so stupid. I would never just check his phone without asking tho. I did it once and I wouldnt do it again. I just have this constant nagging stuff every day and I cant shake it. I don't mean to sound judging but how did you last seven years with someone you don't trust and can't communicate with? You have to make a decision on what you want to do and it seems like it's telling him how you feel and talking things through or walking.
lora22 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I don't think it's at all unreasonable that this bothers you, especially given his history. I've been in this situation twice: once with a bf who had a similar history (where I found questionable stuff on his phone and we fought about it), fast forward a couple of years and he would leave his cell in his car for an entire weekend when he visited me or if I visited him and stuff like that. It really bugged me, but with the point we were in our relationship and the way he was about his phone it seemed more like it wasn't a big deal. He's never been very attached to his cell so it didn't seem like a big deal. Second situation was with last ex, who was incredibly attached to his phone, always texting on it. He didn't "hide" his phone away (god forbid he'd have to go all night without it), but he literally could not be found without his cell. He wouldn't ever leave it in his room or anywhere else that I might be able to find a minute alone where I could look at it, and sometimes he would even bring it into the bathroom with him when he showered. This bugged me so much (I had never looked at his phone before, so I never found anything on it) because sometimes he WOULD leave it somewhere where I'd have the opportunity to look at it. So the times when he brought it into the bathroom and stuff I couldn't help but think....is something going on right now that he wouldn't want me to find out about? Cuz seriously, who needs to text in the shower. Anyways, based on those two situations I feel like how attached your bf is to his phone might play a factor into why he leaves it in his car. I think if you choose to talk to him about this you SHOULD NOT accuse him of anything outright. I think this is incredibly dumb, but in my experience guys often lie about really dumb things because they THINK you might get mad, even though they didn't exactly do anything wrong - so then of course you wonder if they lie about that, what else do they lie about, and the real problem/issue/fight is about the fact that you caught him lying. I'm totally rambling, but I guess I think you should consider his previous cell phone behavior, then if you choose to say something to him, present it as "I feel X because of Y" and not "You do this thing wrong" or "I think Y behavior means that you're doing Z."
Thornton Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be hiding his phone from you. That is a big red flag right there. If you ask to look at it, he'll just delete anything suspicious before you see it, the only way to catch him out is to look at it without him knowing.
Author temptris33 Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 ok sorry for the delay in my response but I found some things on my computer last night that left me really upset. I came home from work last night and my computer was on and still logged on under my bf. I checked the history on it and found various porn sites (ok I can deal with that cuz its kind of a guy thing) BUT I also saw another site that was a singles site for sex only. He was also on the same site last week too as the computer history showed. THere were these number files that I couldnt open so I went through the dating sex site and clicked on various local girls and whoo-la the numbers showed up in the history. Hes been clicking on their info and looking them up for over a week. I was so mad. He wasnt home. WHen he got home I asked him about it and he denied that he looked at that one site. He fessed to the porn sites cuzz he cldnt obviously deny those. He said he never looked at that site and didnt know why it was there and that when you look at a web page there will be advertisements usually to the right and they show up under history even if you dont open them. Ok I always thought that history is ONLY the things that you click on and visit. Am I wrong? Ok next thing. THE CELL PHONE. With all this going down I nicely asked him if I could look at his cell because it would make me feel better to know that he isnt lying about anything-given the computer sites n stuff. He said "hell no" I dont have to prove anything to you and "my cell phone is private and I told you that you are to never touch it"! I asked him again and told him that given the circmstances I need to see it. He would not have any part of it. He said he shouldnt have to prove anything and that I should trust him. I told him that if he has nothing to hide then hide nothing. He still refuses to show it to me so I am having difficulty believing him. If his cell was so private then why does he let his bfriend change up his ring tone and his sister does too. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE. Is it a privacy thing or do you think hes hiding somethin? and the computer thing....does just anything go to your history or just the visited things? What is so private on his cell that he cant show it to me HELP
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Spend the next seven days at a friend's or family member's home. Message received. No cell phone required
Author temptris33 Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 I wish I could do that but I have a dog and all that. WOuldnt be that easy to leave. You know, I could deal with the porn but I cant get over the fact that he wont show me the cell. Am i really being unreasonable to ask?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm an honest person. I despise cheating given my history with it. But if I knew my SO was snooping through my phone, I would be PISSED. I don't like sneaky behavior at all. I'd probably hide it from you, too. The big difference from your BF, though - if my BF said he was curious what was in my phone, and he could explain what he was looking for - I'd have no problem handing it over to him to have a look. But if he made a habit of checking up on me...yeah, I'd be annoyed. If you trust somebody so little that you have to patrol their phone...it's time to go. Trust me.
Author temptris33 Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Ok well big difference...I havent snooped in his phone. I asked if I could see it. I dont make a habit checking up on him at all. Given the circumstances of last night and lying before, I asked. I thought if he showed me his phone he was being upfront and honest. I figured if he didnt show me then he obviously had something that he was keeping from me. I look at it this way....cheating can be different definitions to people...I feel that if you are texting things to people that you couldnt say in front of your SO then its wrong. Am I wrong? So, I dont check up on him BUT with all the stuff going on I just thought Id ask. I have never asked to look at it before. He asked to look at my cell about a year ago and I gave it to him with no regard. No big deal. So since I have never asked him to hand it over before Id think that it wouldnt be a big deal....but it was.
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 So, what do you do with the dog when you and BF go on vacation? Sounds like time for a vacation
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 ok sorry for the delay in my response but I found some things on my computer last night that left me really upset. I came home from work last night and my computer was on and still logged on under my bf. I checked the history on it and found various porn sites (ok I can deal with that cuz its kind of a guy thing) BUT I also saw another site that was a singles site for sex only. He was also on the same site last week too as the computer history showed. THere were these number files that I couldnt open so I went through the dating sex site and clicked on various local girls and whoo-la the numbers showed up in the history. Hes been clicking on their info and looking them up for over a week. I was so mad. He wasnt home. WHen he got home I asked him about it and he denied that he looked at that one site. He fessed to the porn sites cuzz he cldnt obviously deny those. He said he never looked at that site and didnt know why it was there and that when you look at a web page there will be advertisements usually to the right and they show up under history even if you dont open them. Ok I always thought that history is ONLY the things that you click on and visit. Am I wrong? Ok next thing. THE CELL PHONE. With all this going down I nicely asked him if I could look at his cell because it would make me feel better to know that he isnt lying about anything-given the computer sites n stuff. He said "hell no" I dont have to prove anything to you and "my cell phone is private and I told you that you are to never touch it"! I asked him again and told him that given the circmstances I need to see it. He would not have any part of it. He said he shouldnt have to prove anything and that I should trust him. I told him that if he has nothing to hide then hide nothing. He still refuses to show it to me so I am having difficulty believing him. If his cell was so private then why does he let his bfriend change up his ring tone and his sister does too. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE. Is it a privacy thing or do you think hes hiding somethin? and the computer thing....does just anything go to your history or just the visited things? What is so private on his cell that he cant show it to me HELP I apologize, Temptris...I missed this post. My post was based on your first post. I dealt with a sex-addict for 4 years. Married for 4 years of him having cyber sex with other women (one of them a supposed "best friend" of mine), going to prostitutes (actually "happy endings," but IMO, it's the same thing), dating other women (in case we didn't work out), and trying to get co-workers into bed with him. I would ALWAYS have a gut feeling that he had done something, but ignored it because I didn't want to stir **** up and cause a fight over nothing. I'd always find out later that I was RIGHT and should have listened to my gut. Now...before I give MY opinion...your gut is telling you something. Don't ignore it out of guilt. YOU'RE not doing anything wrong. He's given you reason in the past to doubt him. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!! My gut was NEVER WRONG. I wish I had listened! I could have saved myself SO MUCH GRIEF. So...for MY opinion. I say run. Run and run fast. You brought up some very valid points. NO, that **** would not be in his history if he hadn't actually clicked on it. What a load of crap. OMG...having been in a relationship and having dealt with this - I would RUN LIKE HELL. It's not even worth talking to a person like this. Because not only are they HIDING the bad behavior, but when it's exposed they make excuses, justifications, and LIE. I wouldn't touch my SO with a 10-foot pole if I had dealt with what you mentioned in this post. I would have been gone before he realized it.
clv0116 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I don't mean to sound judging but how did you last seven years with someone you don't trust and can't communicate with? Now THAT is an interesting question.
dreamergrl Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I think it's time to stroll along. You spent 7 years with a man you can't trust, for some reason or another. Do you want to spend the next 7 years doing the same walk and talk?
manugeorge Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I'm an honest person. I despise cheating given my history with it. But if I knew my SO was snooping through my phone, I would be PISSED. I don't like sneaky behavior at all. I'd probably hide it from you, too. The big difference from your BF, though - if my BF said he was curious what was in my phone, and he could explain what he was looking for - I'd have no problem handing it over to him to have a look. But if he made a habit of checking up on me...yeah, I'd be annoyed. If you trust somebody so little that you have to patrol their phone...it's time to go. Trust me. SoulSearch is right. No ones likes to constantly be checked up on so if you have a habit of snooping due to your insecurity alone, I can see why he will not hand you his phone. BUT it doesn't seem like the case here, you yourself said it best, "a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing". It's really that simple. Couples are entitled to personal privacy but they are also obligated to be transparent with each other, this is NOT mutually exclusive. I say you have a sketchy a** guy on your hands there. He's up to something alright, if he hasn't already dabbled in it.
missdependant Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I don't get why people come on here for advice, then completely disregard it. Leave your boyfriend if you can't trust him, and can't communicate your valid concerns with him. Especially if he is going to be doing disrespectful crap behind your back. Your relationship will NOT progress if he's out looking for sex with someone other than you. Porn is understandable.. but dating sites? Absolutely NOT; obviously he's looking for more than just porn. If he was using YOUR computer to look at this stuff, then YES bring it up. It can't really be considered snooping if it's YOUR computer. Like I said, snooping through HIS stuff isn't going to fix the problem. The problem isn't the cell phone, it's the fact that you don't trust him; and that he is being deceiving. Focus on the real issue at hand. Not the trivial details. In any case, your bf sounds like a huge douchebag. And he deserves to be single. I'd advise taking your dog and getting into an apartment or staying with a friend for a while. You should not put up with that a-hole! PS. If he clicked it, it will show up in the history; or if there is a pop-up. The only thing you can't be sure about are the cookies.
Thornton Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 If he doesn't click on it and visit the site, it won't be in his history. I say this as a professional web developer, don't let him tell you it's incorrect. He has been on that site hooking up with girls. Here are instructions on how to block certain websites in Internet Explorer and Firefox. He doesn't visit those sites? Ok... so block them and watch him get angry because he can't figure out why he can't get on those sites. http://www.wikihow.com/Block-a-Website-in-Internet-Explorer-7 http://blogote.com/2009/ideas/browser-ideas/how-to-block-certain-website-in-firefox-browser.html You can't stay in a bad relationship for a dog! Take your dog and leave this loser. If you're not ready to leave yet, I think his behaviour justifies some snooping - look at his cell phone without his knowledge. Ordinarily I wouldn't suggest this, but he has given you just cause by his behaviour. Perhaps what you find will finally convince you to leave him - he sounds like extremely bad news.
Trialbyfire Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I've been on this site now for 2.5 years and have seen thousands of threads. I've yet to see one where people hide their cells for no reason at all. Sometimes, it's flirty texts to third parties. Other times, it's a full blown physical relationship(s). Reliant on what you consider cheating, as far as I'm concerned, it all exceeds the boundaries of a trustworthy relationship and in piss-poor taste. To add to that, it's rare that people confess when confronted, when the wronged party has no real evidence and most often, when they do. If anything, the OPs are made to look like it's their fault for invading someone else's privacy. Typical cheater mentality and reaction, in that the best defense is offense. Lie until you die. Dump this liar. History on a computer, are the sites he clicks on. If he's surfing hookup/dating sites, you shouldn't just see one link on the browser. You'll see multiple links to assorted profiles which is what you saw.
Krytie TV Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Hiding cell phone + getting defensive and angry when asked = DEFINITELY hiding something and guilty conscience. Never let him tell you that your feelings of mistrust are wrong. All the evidence is there and you only have to acknowledge it. The choice is yours, but all of these signs will most definitely lead to an act of betrayal on his part, if it hasn't already.
sully 123 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I can't see how you stayed with him for 7 yrs, when you have never trusted him. As hard as it sounds he doesn't sound like you and him are on the same page. I don't know if he is hiding his phone because he can't be trusted or he is hiding it because of you. It doesn't sound lilke a healthy relationship. I would invest anymore time. If he can't be trusted what will be nesxt?
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