Shoshana Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Good morning - I'm brand-new here, been lurking for a bit. Lots of good advice here! Let me give you a little background here... I'm back into the world of dating after a pretty hairy divorce. I found out in March of '08 that my then-husband was apparently gay and was sleeping with guys... pretty much kills a marriage. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. Anyway, we separated immediately thereafter, and the divorce finally went through in early February of this year. During that year or so, I did not date; I didn't even so much as flirt. I was completely depressed. I began the process of buying a home for myself and, during that process, I began to feel empowered, happy, etc. - and when I started getting attention from a particular guy, I found myself liking it and so I figured I was ready to maybe get back onto the dating scene. For reference here, I'll just call him Andrew. So Andrew and I exchanged some flirtations, and he was pretty much following me around like a puppy for a few weeks (we do community theatre together - it's how we met, and we were in a show together). We spent lots of time talking and, one night, ended up talking into the wee hours of the morning - and finally exchanged a kiss. It was like putting a lit match to kerosene!! We had two more dates, each culminating in some pretty heavy making out. On May 20, I finally closed on my house - and the first night in my new house was spent with him. Fantastic!!!! We saw each other a lot over the two weeks following that, and the time together was wonderful. We just couldn't get enough of each other - and on the days where he couldn't see me, he'd call me and we'd talk on the phone and catch up. Andrew would say the most amazing things to me... tell me how wonderful I am, how he loved spending time with me, all kinds of incredible stuff that I hadn't heard anyone say to me in years. Last week, he had craziness at work that pretty much took up all of his free time from Wednesday through Sunday - and he was incommunicado. No phone calls, no emails, nothing. Sunday afternoon he calls me during a break between work and rehearsal, exhausted from work, and we chat a bit and made plans to see each other either the following day (which would have been this past Monday) or Wednesday (which is today). Sunday night - late, around midnight - he calls again and says he couldn't wait to see me, could I please let him inside, he's at my front door. Of course, I did! He came in, we sleepily caught up, ended up having sex and we fell asleep, him telling me that he loves being near me, etc. He left early Monday morning, kissing me goodbye. I have not heard a WORD from him since. I know that he's busy this week because he's in tech week (theatre lingo for the week of hellish rehearsals before a show opens), but after such an attentive past month or so, I'm getting a weird gut reaction that he's blowing me off. It has me all off-balance, angry, hurt. I can't even concentrate at work (hence my writing this on the forum instead of doing my work!! ). Am I being paranoid? Am I flipping out for no reason? I feel like I have zero perspective here... because of the incredible deception from my marriage, I feel like I can't trust my own intuition about anything anymore. I'm a pretty gutsy, strong person, but my confidence in my ability to read situations for what they are is well and truly shaken. So - to those who have bothered reading all this (thank you!!!) - can anyone offer me some perspective? Thanks in advance - Shoshana
Jilly Bean Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Hmmm...tough to tell. My first thought in reading your story, is that he's caving right now. You know - when men have too much on their plate, they tend to cave in order to solve their issues, or get through work/drama, etc. During this time, it's very typical for them to go incommunicado, and IMO, the worst thing you can do is then react to the perceived slight, by pursuing him. Will just add to the pressure he already feels. It's only WED morning, and since you had the impromptu get-together on SUN night, I'd stay positive you will still hear from him today. And if not - DON'T freak out. Just sounds like he's going through a time of high demand, and hon, men do NOT have the ability to multi-task like we can. Keep the faith.
Thornton Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Hmm... he adored you, everything was fine, and then he suddenly stopped communicating with you? Bad sign. A text only takes 30 seconds to send, you can make a quick phone call while you eat lunch... if you really want to communicate with someone you can find a couple of minutes somewhere. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the only reason men completely stop communicating with someone is if they've lost interest. Then he turns up at your door at midnight... booty call? He got sex and left, then continued not communicating with you. Maybe he genuinely doesn't realise you're freaking out over this; it might be helpful for you to tell him how you feel about the lack of communication. Having said that: have you attemted to contact him and he ignored it? Communication is a two-way street, you can contact him instead of waiting for him to contact you. Give him a few days, see how it goes, and if the communication doesn't improve and the excuses continue you need to have a serious talk with him. If he turns up at your house again, don't give him sex - you don't want to become that woman he can ignore for days/weeks on end but who he can still call for sex whenever he feels like it. Make sure it's a relationship, not a booty call, before you let him into your bed again.
Lucky555 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 sounds like hes backing off. Life does get busy but a quick text, email, phone call would have been nice. give him space if he doesn't call you then move on. Sounds like it started good as do all the scenarios in the initial dating phase until the guy gets what he wants (sex). Give it a couple days and don't take "too busy" as an excuse. its just a way out for him.
Author Shoshana Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Thanks, everybody. I have to think that in this day and age, what with everyone being so connected (he's got an iPhone, for crying out loud, and so do I), a freakin' email or something would have been nice. I can't explain, though, why I'm so hurt by this. I am really and truly hurting, and it's so stupid because it's not even like I dated the guy that long.
Mel-Logan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Don't feel bad Shoshana you've done nothing wrong! I'm not going to say if he used you or not because it's too early to tell. Give it some time. Also too busy is not a valid excuse. If he shows up at your door at midnight again, then it's clear of what he wants. Keep us posted. -Mel
pandagirl Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Ugh, sorry about this situation -- annoying. It's too early to tell, but just remember even if things don't work out, you didn't do anything wrong. It's more his issue about why his actions don't match his words, and a reflection upon the type of guy he is -- one you probably don't want to date.
Thornton Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Don't feel bad - if it turns out he's used you, he's the baddy here. I know it's difficult not to feel used and stupid, the "I should have known better" syndrome, but you couldn't have known what he would do. Used and stupid would be allowing him to continue coming to you for sex without having a proper relationship. Rejection always hurts, whether you're really into the person or not. You deserve better than this - if it turns out that he does want a relationship, he needs to try a LOT harder.
stepka Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Welcome to the site Shoshana. I went thru the same thing w/ my husband, except I'm pretty sure he wasn't going out on me first, but he was about to. I don't know what to say about Andrew, except that he could be losing interest--I"m going thru that same thing right now too, and it hurts. A lot of the pain comes from the fact that you're probably still not recovered from the pain of losing your husband yet, so don't feel silly--we'll probably have to go thru this at least a couple more times before we find a keeper, but I'm thinking it will get easier. It sounds like the man is a player.
Author Shoshana Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Actually... I ended up hearing from him later that day, and on Wednesday night he came over - and we talked about it. (I'm not one to bottle things up; I let people know when I'm upset and why!) He was very apologetic... completely didn't realize how upsetting it was to me and told me he was sorry he caused me so much worry. I also failed to mention - and perhaps didn't even consider - that he hasn't really dated anyone since he broke up with his girlfriend a year and a half ago... and he has been with her since he was 19! (He's 27 now.) Basically, the only experience Andrew's had with women was with this one girl - and she's kind of psychotic, anyway, so maybe his perspective is a bit skewed. Anyway - all seems to be on an even keel for the moment, but actions always speak louder than words. A promise is nothing until it's kept. Thanks, everyone, for weighing in - I appreciate it!
Tizzy Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 All I can say is, listen to your gut! It picks up on things well before you do/will. Even if things appear fine and all seems dandy, take time to evaluate why you feel the instinctive feeling you do that something is "off" about this guy. The feeling will only grow stronger. It may sound crazy, but my advice is to enjoy whatever fling you're having with this guy but keep your emotions in check and don't get attached. Believe what you see and don't make excuses for bad behavior on his part. There are other men out there, ones who will treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated and you should not settle for less.
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