jwi71 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 but any idea how many couples can recover successfully (meaning not just "staying married) but to more satisfying Rs and quality of life without counseling? My IC tells me that fewer than 20% make it...he believes that some stay together for various reasons but are not truly healthy. So, ultimately after some discussion, his answer was less than 10% survive in a healthy manner. My IC used to be our MC and I'm sure others will have their own opinions. In sum, the numbers are not good.
Spark1111 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 OFGnormore........Why no counseling? Sorry if I missed it in your post.
Author OFGnomore Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 OFGnormore........Why no counseling? Sorry if I missed it in your post. We are in counseling. But mostly me though. I'm the unfaithful one and I bring a whole lot more to the M than H does. I came from an unstable family/childhood, etc. H married me because he truly loves me and I fear that I've got intimacy issues that I will always work to resolve due to my childhood. But H is willing to give it a go because of his love for me, our children, and because I confessed to him and was not caught. And little things made a difference too that showed H where my heart was. I never wore my diamond ring when with xOP. H spent a lot of his earned money as a single guy to buy me that, it would have added insult to injury. I wore a gold band I had before my M during the A and H made me throw it out. Also there is something big about bringing an OP to the marital home. I never did that either even though xOP wanted to see my house. Don't ask me why but that would have made things worse for some reason for H. xOP did bring me to his house once and yes, it was a meeting for me to say good bye but we ended up being physical. He brought out wine to talk and by the end of the bottle he was pouring his glass into mine, you get the picture. And that was the LAST time I was with him to his frustration. It was over. Sorry TMI, I needed to vent.
Author OFGnomore Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 OFG, speaking as a f/om I think that there is a tendency on the part of the ws to try to downplay the sexual content of an affair. it has been my experience (I ended the affairs, not the mw) that in a pa the sex is usually great. Not necessarily because the OM is a better lover, but the illicit nature of the A is added "spice". If I were the BS, I would want to know every detail for two reasons. 1) To make sure that there is no residual desire for the OM 2) I don't want to be blind-sided about future revelations...........2sure As a person with a statistical background, surely you know that you can skew statistics in any direction you want. Statistics about subjective emotional issues have very little value. I didn't have to downplay, even though what happened was still embarassing for me to admit. Seriously, w/o getting too graphic, this guy really couldn't "function". I can count on one hand the number of times we were physical over the course of a year and half. It was just as embarrasing for me afterwards. How do you respond to that? Seriously. Again, that helped H tremendously in his esteem after confessing.
Darth Vader Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I didn't have to downplay, even though what happened was still embarassing for me to admit. Seriously, w/o getting too graphic, this guy really couldn't "function". I can count on one hand the number of times we were physical over the course of a year and half. It was just as embarrasing for me afterwards. How do you respond to that? Seriously. Again, that helped H tremendously in his esteem after confessing. It's the images of you orgasming by another man that may haunt your husband. From what you stated, your hubby made you throw out a ring that you had before you were married to him, because you wore it to have sex with OM. You may or may not realize that your hubby may have images about what you wore, including underwear, perfume, even grooming habits that you did for OM. Have you disclosed such things to your husband? Has he asked or even thought about such things? It would include any gifts OM bought you, and gifts you got for your husband, perhaps out of guilt during the time of the affair. There's probably a lot more, but I can't think of anything else. These things I mentioned are some of the likely thoughts your husband has been having, some of which he may be hesitant to ask, but wants to know. You may have to inform him of such things to help him further, but, expect that he will want those items mentioned and unmentioned, GONE!
Author OFGnomore Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 It's the images of you orgasming by another man that may haunt your husband. From what you stated, your hubby made you throw out a ring that you had before you were married to him, because you wore it to have sex with OM. You may or may not realize that your hubby may have images about what you wore, including underwear, perfume, even grooming habits that you did for OM. Have you disclosed such things to your husband? Has he asked or even thought about such things? It would include any gifts OM bought you, and gifts you got for your husband, perhaps out of guilt during the time of the affair. There's probably a lot more, but I can't think of anything else. These things I mentioned are some of the likely thoughts your husband has been having, some of which he may be hesitant to ask, but wants to know. You may have to inform him of such things to help him further, but, expect that he will want those items mentioned and unmentioned, GONE! Well ya forced my hand. H knows it all. Why I went back is beyond me, just to know this guy has serious medical issues. Uggh, I mean, it was over before it began and that is all I'll say and that was consistent.
tami-chan Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I never asked questions, never even wanted to talk about it-even though my H was more than willing to talk about it. I didn't think there was anything he could have said or explained that would have made it less painful or easier to recover from the betrayal. So why ask <shrug>. More than a dozen years later, and several affairs (his) later, I had my own affair. D-day for H was this past Memorial Day. Not because I got caught or anything like that-I ended my 4 year affair last Feb 2009- but because a good friend in LS convinced me it was the only way to move forward. H has a lot of questions, I only want to answer the ones I am comfortable with. That's why a divorce is likely.
2sunny Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I never asked questions, never even wanted to talk about it-even though my H was more than willing to talk about it. I didn't think there was anything he could have said or explained that would have made it less painful or easier to recover from the betrayal. So why ask <shrug>. More than a dozen years later, and several affairs (his) later, I had my own affair. D-day for H was this past Memorial Day. Not because I got caught or anything like that-I ended my 4 year affair last Feb 2009- but because a good friend in LS convinced me it was the only way to move forward. H has a lot of questions, I only want to answer the ones I am comfortable with. That's why a divorce is likely. this is why in order to properly heal the marriage the truth is critical. it is the cover up that still keeps the affair alive. when the truth is revealed - along with anything the spouse wants to know... is when the healing begins... painful, yes, but at least it has a chance. most people can handle the truth much more than the wondering of it all... and to tell the truth is very freeing. dealing with what the truth means is a process... some are willing to move through the pain and some run from it.
tami-chan Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 this is why in order to properly heal the marriage the truth is critical. I agree. That's why I realized, I do not( probably never did) want to save the marriage after all.
silktricks Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I wanted (wanted is probably not the best word - needed is more accurate) complete details. If my husband wouldn't have been willing to provide them he would have been shown the door. As far as I was concerned if he was more worried about "protecting" the information then he was about the state of my mind, then he could take a long walk to somewhere else. It wasn't a pretty experience for either of us, but we got through it together.
aeh Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Tami, it hurts me to look at you because I just discovered the OW my H was having the A with was Asian. (I have several Asian friends, but right now every Asian woman I see send a stab through my heart.) Darth, you're right about the images. Although I am not sure which part of the A hurts the most, I am likely to say it is the images, especially of him climaxing, with another woman.
Spark1111 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Initially, it was too painful to hear the details of the physical affair. He would never touch me again, and sex was/is an important and GREAT part of our relationship. But when I was emotionally ready, I had to hear all of it, no matter how painful it was to do so. I needed to get the pink elephant out of the room. What wasn't being discussed was overshoadowing what was, and ultimatley non-productive towards our healing. Much has been written on the importance of the spouse hearing the details as the truest way towards recovery. I mean the affair partner heard about the marriage and family life constantly. To recreate the intimacy necessary to a relationship, there can/should be no secrets between married partners. Those who share the details, IF the BS needs them, have a much higher success rate in recovery than those who do not.
Andy L Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 My H wanted ALL the details, locations, acts, positions, etc. Personally, I can't imagine xOP while have sex with. The two men are so completely different, in terms of their body size and endurance, maybe that TMI. . OFGnomore, I like your testimony because i see you're truly. Ok, i believe in you, but tell me: 1)Besides his difficult performance you like being sexuality with the OM in those days? 2) Do you believe that if OM was a real sexual powerful, it would be harder to end with the affair????
Author OFGnomore Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 OFGnomore, I like your testimony because i see you're truly. Ok, i believe in you, but tell me: 1)Besides his difficult performance you like being sexuality with the OM in those days? 2) Do you believe that if OM was a real sexual powerful, it would be harder to end with the affair???? Good questions. 1. At the time I felt emotionally close to xOM. But the physical part was never comfortable for me. Added that he had issues it made me NOT want to go there with him. 2. Maybe, for me if you're close to someone emotionally, you want to express it physically. But deep down, the internal conflict was there so I don't think it would have made too much of a difference in terms of ending it but we probably would have been intimate more often.
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