Dealing with Sexual Images of OP

[OFGnomore]

Whether you're a female or male BS, how do you cope with these images? Do you want the full truth as the betrayed? My H wanted ALL the details, locations, acts, positions, etc. Fortunately, mine was not a sexually based EMR and I mentioned my xOP suffered from a multitude of sexual dysfunction based on his age and probably health conditions and the meds he took. I disclosed everything he wanted to know. And for him he wanted to know the full truth so he could move forward w/o the fear of being blind sided. Personally, I can't imagine xOP while have sex with. The two men are so completely different, in terms of their body size and endurance, maybe that TMI. H is H there is no comparison. So while I think it's hard for H to know I was with another man that way, there is still more good to our M than bad that makes it worth saving.

 

And Anne, I think it's important to keep a balanced perspective on this board. Not everyone recovers or recovers in a healthy way in light of infidelity. In fact OWL, mentions less than 30% do past 5 years. I appreciate hearing the successes along with the failures. There can be something learned from all perspectives.

[DNU1]

OFG:

 

I'm a man, and I wanted to know EVERYTHING about the OMs and my STBxWWs affairs. EVERYTHING!

 

It was heartwrenching to not know. My mind played tricks on me, conjuring up images of hookers, farm animals, orgies, you name it. In some ways the truth was horrible to hear...but in other ways it was helpful in my healing.

 

My STBx continues to deny the latest DDay/OM was anything more than a one time sex, and two years ago at that. Yet she continues to see him daily at work and later admittd that they played smoochie-face in lounge when no one's around.

 

(yea, right...liar!)

 

My marriage did not recover, but not because I didn't try my hardest. I've never worked so hard on anything in my life! I spent five months consumed with my marriage, working on making a better me, working on meeting her emotional needs. All the while she was heading off to work every day to see the latest OM.

 

I'd like to know all the details of this latest...but we are getting a divorce. And I suspect that my STBx will never tell me the whole and complete truth.

[2sure]

As a BS, when I discovered H's infidelity I asked all the questions hundreds of times to him and to myself. Why?? Who? What? Where? How many times, etc.

 

The rug was pulled from beneath me. I felt that if I had all of details, I would not feel so much ...a NON Particpant in my life. Did I say that right?

 

The more "details" I got..both from on my own and from H, the more betrayed I felt. Note that I was not MORE betrayed, you cant be more betrayed or less betrayed. Betrayed is betrayed. You need the Facts, because this is life, this is a decision. But the details led me into a downward spiral. The more I got, the more questions I had. Questions without answers , so I would use my imagination. I became obsessed of course, as most of us do.

 

Finally, my H is the one who said: STOP. And he stopped participating in the grilling. It was the best thing he did at that point. From there, I didnt verbalize the details so often, which led to me not imagining them so often, which was a good step toward the recovery our marriage. This was 2.5 years ago.

 

The BS on here that have seen photographic or in person images of Details of their spouse's affair have a clear visual image of the betrayal. Thats not something I would ever want the pain of carrying. When a BS gets so many details, that same kind of image is created.

[Spark1111]

For me, not knowing was ten times worse than finally hearing the details. My imagination was what was obsessive, not the reality of my WS's affair. With each revelation of truth, I learned my obssessing was maybe 100 times worse than the reality of what had actually happened between them.

 

I am calmer now. It was her attention and admiration of him that ignited the hormones, as 2sure has wisely informed me. The dynamics of a secret affair that made it seem of so hot and special.

 

I am almost 2 years from DDay, and in a much better place. We are now dealing with the emotions that led him to choose the path he did. The emotional, angry and tearful exchanges between us have finally calmed down to mature and rational conversations. of questions and answers.

 

For me to stay in this reconciliation, I need HIM to understand the "why" of it all, and that, according to our therapist, is the last and hardest question to answer. Many BS do not have the patience to wait for that one. But I do, and am happy I waited.

[2sure]

Yes Spark, I can understand that a person's imagined details would be WAY worse than what actually happened. Reality always pales things a bit - for better or worse.

[OFGnomore]

Yes Spark, I can understand that a person's imagined details would be WAY worse than what actually happened. Reality always pales things a bit - for better or worse.

 

Yeah. The details for H even though he hated to hear than anything happened we're much tamer than how H and I are intimate and that was helpful. Of course, H assumed it was worse so in my case the details certainly helped.

 

Maybe this should be a new thread but any idea how many couples can recover successfully (meaning not just "staying married) but to more satisfying Rs and quality of life without counseling?

[Dexter Morgan]

Whether you're a female or male BS, how do you cope with these images?

 

only way to get rid of the images was to make my wife insignificant to me. so I divorced her.

 

otherwise, if I had stayed with her, even though I'm confident the images would diminish in time and would be "less" painful, I'd still have them from time to time. thats not the life I want...not the life i am willing to settle for.

 

divorcing her and getting away from her eradicated that pain....for me anyway. Do I still think about what she did from time to time? Sure, but it doesn't hurt and I actually laugh at it now...knowing someone like that is not longer my problem, but someone elses.

 

 

 

Do you want the full truth as the betrayed?

 

cheating is all I need to know, maybe if it were an EA, or a PA..details are not important, and really, with either of these types of affair, it doesn't matter to me.

 

But sex is sex...I don't need to know how many different positions they did to know they are going to pack their bags.

 

 

So while I think it's hard for H to know I was with another man that way, there is still more good to our M than bad that makes it worth saving.

 

that may be true, and you both may see it that way. But now your husband has been exiled to a life with those visions in his head. he may come to a point where it doesn't consume his every thought, but he WILL think about it from time to time, and when he does, he will be sick inside with it.

 

Again, he probably will get to a point, if he isn't there already, where he doesn't think about it on a daily basis. just don't kid yourself into thinking he has forgotten and will never have even the slightest bit of animosity over it...he'll just keep it to himself and bottle it up.

[2sure]

All affairs, marriages, etc are as unique as each of us individually.

But I have been astounded really...by how similar the PATTERNS are.

The patterns of the infidelity itself - all WS say the same words.

The patterns of recovery - the WS has to be affected by consequences.

 

Those things are for sure, to me.

But you know, like anything else in life: There is no magic bullet.

I am someone who believes that EVERYONE can benefit from some counseling, it doesnt hurt right? But it isnt necessarily part of a special formula - not like the "consequences" are.

 

My H was open to going to MC, because he wanted to do whatever I needed. He was open to it, but never became comfortable with it. He tried, he wasn't hostile...but he had no comfort level so I could see we/he wasnt benefiting.

 

We read books. We communicated. We still do. I'm here.

And we havent just survived. We have both grown as individuals.

His infidelity happened when we were first married...so we had no real history...afterward we had no where to go but up.

[65tr6]

Yeah. The details for H even though he hated to hear than anything happened we're much tamer than how H and I are intimate and that was helpful. Of course, H assumed it was worse so in my case the details certainly helped.

 

Really depends on the individual. In general whatever BS wants to know should be answered by WS. I had to know everything and my wife told me everything. It hurt like hell but proved HUGE in my/our healing.

 

Even otherwise, should nt open and honest communication be top priority after an infidelity ?

 

Maybe this should be a new thread but any idea how many couples can recover successfully (meaning not just "staying married) but to more satisfying Rs and quality of life without counseling?

 

Good question. From what I have read here and my own experience in the last 8 months, alteast one of the spouses has to be fanatic about saving/working on the marriage. Ideally it has to be both that is RARELY the case. How many actually do it, I dont know. However, if your focus in more on individual growth rather than on the marriage, i believe it goes a long way whether your marriage recovers or not.

[OFGnomore]

All affairs, marriages, etc are as unique as each of us individually.

But I have been astounded really...by how similar the PATTERNS are.

The patterns of the infidelity itself - all WS say the same words.

The patterns of recovery - the WS has to be affected by consequences.

 

Those things are for sure, to me.

But you know, like anything else in life: There is no magic bullet.

I am someone who believes that EVERYONE can benefit from some counseling, it doesnt hurt right? But it isnt necessarily part of a special formula - not like the "consequences" are.

 

QUOTE]

 

What are the consequences and patterns you speak of? My H made sure I suffered consequences and that was okay, when I told him I was willing to face whatever they were. I told H, I took your freedom from you whenI made this choice w/o your consent, know I'm giving it back to you to choose what you want to do with full knowledge. For the first month, H was enraged. I thought my M was over, he blasted the news about me and xOP all over our small community. In the end, I've lost some Rs but the most important Rs are my family and a few good friends that stood by my side through it all.

[OFGnomore]

Really depends on the individual. In general whatever BS wants to know should be answered by WS. I had to know everything and my wife told me everything. It hurt like hell but proved HUGE in my/our healing. ** You sound like my H.

 

Even otherwise, should nt open and honest communication be top priority after an infidelity ? ** I think so.

 

 

 

Good question. From what I have read here and my own experience in the last 8 months, alteast one of the spouses has to be fanatic about saving/working on the marriage. Ideally it has to be both that is RARELY the case. How many actually do it, I dont know. However, if your focus in more on individual growth rather than on the marriage, i believe it goes a long way whether your marriage recovers or not.

** I think both have to work on it. However, I think the majority falls on the WS shoulders. But if my H told me it's soley you're job to fix this mess I'd seriously consider a divorce. I went to him prior to the with a lot of stuff that I wanted us to deal with and most of the time it was brushed off, I can't live in an R like that for the rest of my life. Seriously.

[Thornton]

I've been cheated on, and I did not want to know the details - somehow it made things worse. I didn't want to know what he did with her, because whenever we did that ourselves I'd think of her, and wonder whether it was better when he did it with her. I preferred to have only very general details, not detailed facts.

 

However on one memorable occasion I came home and, since there was nothing on tv, I pressed play on the video machine to see if my bf had recorded something I might fancy watching. It turned out to be a video of him banging his OW on the couch in our living room! He then tried to claim it was ages ago before we met (when he lived in that apartment alone) despite the fact the video showed them doing it on a very distinctive bright red couch which we had bought only a few weeks previously! Still, even though the whole event was there on video in gory detail, I couldn't bring myself to watch it, I turned it straight off. Thankfully I saw sense and dumped the douchebag in question

 

Btw, can someone please tell me what xOP, STBxWW and OWL mean? I know a lot of acronyms but I can't find those ones listed anywhere.

[2sure]

The consequences my H incurred were as various as the stories here.

Any yes, would probably be another thread - and a good one too. I have been meaning to get to that very subject.

 

But for now I can tell you this, because you reminded me of my feelings at the time.

 

When my H's infidelity occurred, it was devastating for me to realize that here was a problem I didnt have the skills to solve. That drove me crazy, I felt like if I couldn't fix it, it couldnt be fixed.

 

And then: I felt like...why should I fix this?? It isnt my problem, I didnt do anything wrong. Which also didnt help.

 

And then: My H, not knowing what else to do or say said he would do anything I asked of him. Which put it all right back in MY LAP.

 

He doesnt know what you are supposed to do to make him feel better.

Thats something you have to figure out together.

He needs to feel better.

You have to understand why you did what you did.

Dont ask him what he wants you to do. But DO something.

[HsMomma]

I personally did not want all the details of what my exH had done. It wasn't going to change the fact that he'd done it nor was getting the details going to do anything to ease my mind. The only thing I asked was her name (at least the 3rd one's name - the first 2, I didn't even ask that). For me, it wasn't about who/what/where/when/in how many positions, etc. It was about the fact that he'd stepped outside the marriage, and I didn't trust him not to do so again, even if it DID take me 3 times to kick his a$$ to the curb!

[reservoirdog1]

divorcing her and getting away from her eradicated that pain....for me anyway. Do I still think about what she did from time to time? Sure, but it doesn't hurt and I actually laugh at it now...knowing someone like that is not longer my problem, but someone elses.

That was a help in my case too. What XW did and with whom does cross my mind occasionally, but it's in an absentminded, disinterested way. It doesn't hurt or impact my life anymore, and my usual response when it does crop up is to figuratively (or sometimes literally) roll my eyes. She's remarried now, so I don't have to worry about what she gets up to or with whom.

[65tr6]

I think both have to work on it. .

 

DONT go in with that attitude if you want your marriage to survive or get out of stalemate position that it could be stuck in. It does not help.

 

However, I think the majority falls on the WS shoulders..

 

Nope. The one who wants badly is the one who takes it on their shoulders. It could be BS or WS. In fact most of the time it is the BS because they are the ones who are hurt badly........ALL this assuming one of them wants to stay in the marriage.

 

But if my H told me it's soley you're job to fix this mess I'd seriously consider a divorce. ..

 

Again, i dont think you just say, it is your problem, you screwed up, you fix it ! It is not that simple. You really need to take a step back analyse what went wrong, who needs to fix what.....BOTH will have plenty to do. Both may not be fanatic about it fixing it but one needs to lead.

 

 

I can't live in an R like that for the rest of my life. Seriously.

 

Then you change it by taking the lead, if you want it that badly. Dont expect for things to fall in your lap...they never do. It is lot of work. That's why I said, focus on individual growth first...you will be amazed at the results. Take little steps of growth.

[2sure]

Its true now that you say it. It was the personal growth we each experienced throughout recovery that ultimately saved our marriage.

 

To be honest - the personal growth I experienced gave me the strength to know that either way, whatever this marriage threw at me - I would be ok. That thought alone led me to be able to trust again - my H and myself.

[Spark1111]

It is very interesting to me that social research points to the fact that men have such a harder time with ridding themselves of imagining the physical act, while women (not all) are most upset by the emotional connection their WS establishes with an OP, feeling hell, if he sent me flowers and held my hand, he could have all the sex he/we wanted.

 

It may explain why almost 90% of female BS will attempt to reconcile, providing the WS invests the same amount of effort to emotionally re-connect with them.

 

I believe the statistic is way, way lower (30%) for male BS because they cannot rid themselves of the affair's visual sexual imagery. Hence, the anger cannot heal.

 

Also interesting to note, (yes, I am just a wealth of knowledge gleamed through reading:cool:) that 73% of all divorces today are initiated by women, and it is NOT due to affairs, addictions, abuse, or financial irresponsibility.

 

The number one reason women file is NEGLECT. They feel neglected, unloved, lonely.

 

As for counseling, IMHO, IC helps both partners grow as people. In MC, the marriage is the client and it can be, at times, somewhat to very uncomfortable because really, who has the perfect marriage? No one.

 

However, you can gain important tools to better communicate your needs and improve the relationship. Key areas of weakness in a marital relationship, whether or not they were the cause of the affair, are identified, and then hopefully, improved.

 

If either party attends MC to blast or punish the other party, a good MC redirects you both back to improving the marriage. It is not about win or lose, right or wrong. It is about concrete tools you both employ every day in the relationship.

 

Does this help G?

[anne1707]

And Anne, I think it's important to keep a balanced perspective on this board. Not everyone recovers or recovers in a healthy way in light of infidelity. In fact OWL, mentions less than 30% do past 5 years. I appreciate hearing the successes along with the failures. There can be something learned from all perspectives.

 

 

OFG

 

Do you think I have not taken a balanced perspective? All I have done in another thread is tell it how is in my situation - not anybody elses - so I am not sure what you are getting at here

 

As for your question, with regard to my H's affair I chose not to ask for details. It hurt more than enough without knowing that detail and for me personally I knew it would not have helped. This was a few years before my affair and when we went through MC last year, it became apparent that there were obviously still unresolved issues about my H's affair (especially as it was only then that he admitted they had sex -something he denied at the time). However it still works better for me not to know the detail. What matters to me is that he regrets what he did just I regret what I did and that we are now both focussed on us.

[Dexter Morgan]

Also interesting to note, (yes, I am just a wealth of knowledge gleamed through reading:cool:) that 73% of all divorces today are initiated by women, and it is NOT due to affairs, addictions, abuse, or financial irresponsibility.

 

The number one reason women file is NEGLECT. They feel neglected, unloved, lonely.

 

 

would the neglect have anything to do with when the woman becomes a mother, seems disinterested in sex and alone time with husband....husband then becomes use to the idea that the wife is blowing him off, therefore husband ceases all initiation of affection and becomes content with simply being a household participant?

[2sure]

The number one reason women file is NEGLECT. They feel neglected, unloved, lonely.

 

Spark - thank you for the rest of the figures....I read figures like those all the time - and I think it helps gain some perspective as to expectations.

 

I work with stats, demographics, etc, so they were one of the first things I looked up on D-Day. Professionally speaking I know that polls, stats , etc. are skewed...but I honestly liked knowing them, going in.

 

As to the #1 Reason Women File for Divorce -

Infidelity is not Legal Cause in most states anymore.

Neglect is the equivalent of Irreconcilable Differences which in my state shows up as #1, regardless of the real reasons that may have led to the filing.

 

And this wouldnt be important to mention except that: the figures for Infidelity are huge ( but can never be accurate). The figures for recovery are small. With that knowledge It just makes sense that many people divorce because of infidelity....even if your state calls it Neglect or Irreconcilable Differences.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

As to the #1 Reason Women File for Divorce -

Infidelity is not Legal Cause in most states anymore.

 

which is a load of s##t. I suppose the courts in those states think a person should stay with a cheater.

 

but then again, if you are cheated on, there IS neglect...so people can find a way around the laws of idiots.

[OFGnomore]

OFG

 

Do you think I have not taken a balanced perspective? All I have done in another thread is tell it how is in my situation - not anybody elses - so I am not sure what you are getting at here

QUOTE]

 

Not at all. I think I was responding to the need to have all sides expressed. Some make it (have better Ms or at least stay married) and some don't after infidelity (get divorced).

[Spark1111]

Dex, good points. Sure, it does not attribute to the "whys" of who is initiating the neglect. It just claimed it is the number one reason women file and women today are filing for divorce in record numbers.

 

2sure--this was a private survey done asking confidentially why women had filed for divorce and I believe eliminated the obvious: affairs, addictions, abuse.

 

While Irreconciliable differences is used as everyone's legal complaint in a court of law, the results surprised even the administers of the survey.

 

Of course, affairs and abuse and addictions can be the straw that breaks the camel"s back in a marriage. But most women were willing to work through that, unless there had been a long history of neglect preceding the breaking straw.

 

But surprise, surprise, there was not. They just wanted more emotionally and could afford to live without a husband/provider.

 

The times, they are a changin'.

[boldjack]

OFG, speaking as a f/om I think that there is a tendency on the part of the ws to try to downplay the sexual content of an affair. it has been my experience (I ended the affairs, not the mw) that in a pa the sex is usually great. Not necessarily because the OM is a better lover, but the illicit nature of the A is added "spice". If I were the BS, I would want to know every detail for two reasons. 1) To make sure that there is no residual desire for the OM 2) I don't want to be blind-sided about future revelations...........2sure As a person with a statistical background, surely you know that you can skew statistics in any direction you want. Statistics about subjective emotional issues have very little value.