Was almost there....

[Mino]

1. 1. 
      

   2. Thought I would give an update, I know, I have not posted about my situation in a long time. I hope this post will help others. I have been the ow for almost 5 years. I work with my guy. We are not young, mid 40 and 50. He has been married 13 years. During the A we spent everyday together, in the evenings he went home. I guess the difference with my guy is he has ocd. At the begining when the A started he had no children. We were not really serious the first year, I thought I had my feeling under control. I went away for 7 weeks, out of the country when I got the message from him, his w was pregnant. I broke it off at that point. We were apart for several months, well he came back and told me that he loved me, and wanted to be together. He said "trust me" How stupid I was, I gave my heart to him. BUT of coarse we had to wait till the baby was born, it was the right thing to do. After the baby was born, we set date after date, his anxiety got worse, so he went to a series of doctors. He was on meds, High dosage, he went to IC, congnitive therapy, In the meantime, he mangaed to move out twice. only to return home after a few weeks. Of coarse our R continued. His w turned the other way... knowing of the A. But I guess what was she suppose to do, sahm. They go to mc, (my idea) mc says the M is dead, best if they split. This time it will be different, no moving in with me, but getting his own place. Of coarse IC tells us we need to do NC for 6 months , time for him to heal, but we couldnt.. he lives just around the corner.. So pretty much I was living with him this entire time. We furnish his place, ( and yes I helped out) Things we finally working out..He is a great dad, well actually became a great Dad, spending as much time with his child as he could. Everyday he would see his child . But I saw his saddness in his heart. He started withdrawing, as time went by. About 3 weeks ago, I was questioning the procedure for the D. It was time, I wanted him to finally tell his family that we were dating. But he was not ready. I was crushed. I decided to go NC. Didnt want too, but I needed to know our future. I ignored him at work, he didnt call, I didnt call. After 10 days I broke. We sat , we cry, we make love, and he tells me he cant do this any more, he needs to be with his child. His heart is breaking. We talk, we cry, I go nc for 5 days, I tell him to go home, if that what he needs to make him happy. He says he not sure, He does nothing, but sits alone in his place. I break again... He tells me he has decided., he is going home. Now Bs on the site, please dont get mad, but this man does not love his w. He cares for her because of the longivity of his m and she is the mother of his child. He always says he feels sorry for her. So I ask if he has talked to her, he says not yet. I ask "what if she does not want you back in her house, I mean you been gone almost a year. He says he does not care what she says, he thinks by law he can move back home, since he pays the bills. I see the selfishness in him, I am sure his w has had a chance to heal in this time, and I dont think she knows what is about to happen. I do feel for her, but he is determined. His obsession has become his child. I know he loves me, there is no doubt in my mind. But this feeling of him missing his child is eating him alive and with his mental condition it is 100 times worse. So here I am tonight, letting you all know how my story is ending. I feel my heart ripped to shreds, again. I know my guy has truly put in a good fight, a fight for us to be together. But at the end we lost. I know I gave him 100%. I never gave up. I never gave up as I saw he was fighting with his demons. But today I saw a tired man, a man who has no more fight left inside himself. I just want you to know not all return for love for the w. And there are fathers out there that cant bare being apart from thier children, its not just a excuse like many want to believe, Its sometimes IS the TRUTH. Do I believe I was just a piece of Ass on the side, like many may say, NOPE dont believe that either. He proved over and over how much he wanted this too. SO my story is out there to help others I hope, I do want to thank NoIdidnt, wwisup, stamp and many others who have given me great advice. Dont know how i would have survived some days without you. Tomorrow is a new day...

      
      

[GreenEyedLady]

You have a gracious, loving attitude about this.

 

My heart goes out to you in your hurt.

 

Stay positive and know that many are thinking of you.

 

You are not only brave, but humble.

 

GEL

 

((HUGS))

[Mino]

Thanks Gel, I am slso a mess! You always gave me hope and i do appricate that from you. The hardest part of this is knowing he is making a mistake again. He has tunnel vision at the moment, thinking only that returning home will still his pain. He is not thinking of all who will be hurt in the proccess. I know I will eventually heal, ( I think) But his wife will be decieved once again, for he is not going home out of love to her.

[Lyssa]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Mino.

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

[[[[[Mino]]]]]

[Lyssa]

I know I will eventually heal, ( I think)

 

It may not look like you will heal right now but given time, you will get through this. You have us to help you heal, Mino. You're not alone.

[Mino]

It may not look like you will heal right now but given time, you will get through this. You have us to help you heal, Mino. You're not alone.

Thanks Lyssa, just feel numb right now, I know I need to get myself together for work tomorrow, wish I could take of 6 months, so i dont have to see him.

[ednadean]

oh mino,

what a heartwrenching story!

Hang in there. AFter 5 years it's bound to be hard - but it needs to be done.

 

I agree - I think sometimes we tend to oversimplify i.e. if he doesn't leave his wife for you then you're just being used for sex.

I don't think that's always the case. I think a man can love someone and still stay in a marriage -- esp for the sake of the kids. I think this is RARER in women for some reason that I don't understand. i.e. when a women falls in love with someone -- she is usually more willing to leave the marriage and make a go of it with the new person (anecdotal evidence only!!!)

 

HUGS!

[OWoman]

Mino the dice were loaded against you, given all the factors, but you've given it your all and that's the very best you could do. You haven't lost - you've proved what a loyal and loving partner you are, and you've stayed true to yourself.

 

Yes, this next while will be hard, but you'll get through it - you have before, and you're made of strong stuff. I suspect his return - if his W allows it - will not be for too long; his child will also be getting older, and joint custody will become possible with the child half-time living with him in his place, and half-time with the mother in hers, so that he won't have to be a "visiting" parent. Other things will become possible in time - if you're still interested.

 

For now, your priority is yourself, just as he's made his child his priority for now. Take care of yourself. (((((hugs)))))

[Mino]

Hi Owoman, Thanks for your support. Your right on that one, he will come after he succeeds in getting into the house. With or without the W permission. But I know in my heart I will not be the ow again. To much pain... After living with him, sleeping everynight together, there is no way that I could go back to an A. I wanted him the right way. I know he will not make the marriage work. I feel mostly for his family. For the pain he will put them through once again. Part of me says he is a monster, and the other part of me understands his illness.

[jwi71]

Mino,

 

What are you going to do to protect yourself from his sad soap opera?

Have you taken real steps to shut him out of your life? Blocked his numbers, blocked email and the like?

 

Or are you leaving the door open?

 

I say this because you have tried NC more than once and it didn't take. Each time getting sucked back in. I am hoping and praying that YOU have changed and that you want to move on. To me, this means complete cold turkey separation. Which means blocking his numbers yadda yadda yadda. Anything less, to me, says "I hope he calls".

 

Which would be monumentally sad. He isn't changing. And what I mean is even though he doesn't love his W he WON'T leave her. You will forever and always be no more than OW. And that's the sad part. Because you are worth more than "the women he loves but won't leave his family for".

 

Its not about you. Its about his failures and shortcomings. Please do NOT for one second think its a rejection of you...its not. Its his inability to overcome the attachment to his W and child. And he NEVER will. He's just proven it.

 

Do not think you wasted five years...you didn't.

 

Safeguard yourself. Cry your tears.

 

Its a long, hard and painful path...and it will end.

[Mino]

Mino,

 

What are you going to do to protect yourself from his sad soap opera?

Have you taken real steps to shut him out of your life? Blocked his numbers, blocked email and the like?

 

Or are you leaving the door open?

 

I say this because you have tried NC more than once and it didn't take. Each time getting sucked back in. I am hoping and praying that YOU have changed and that you want to move on. To me, this means complete cold turkey separation. Which means blocking his numbers yadda yadda yadda. Anything less, to me, says "I hope he calls".

 

Which would be monumentally sad. He isn't changing. And what I mean is even though he doesn't love his W he WON'T leave her. You will forever and always be no more than OW. And that's the sad part. Because you are worth more than "the women he loves but won't leave his family for".

 

Its not about you. Its about his failures and shortcomings. Please do NOT for one second think its a rejection of you...its not. Its his inability to overcome the attachment to his W and child. And he NEVER will. He's just proven it.

 

Do not think you wasted five years...you didn't.

 

Safeguard yourself. Cry your tears.

 

Its a long, hard and painful path...and it will end.

no I have not blocked anything, I work with him and I do see him everyday. I was more then the woman he loves..and wont leave his family for, HE DID LEAVE< almost a year. This is not about attachments to his w, but only of his child and his ocd. Is the door open, NO ! Because I do realize this illness is not going away! Beleive me, we tried, everything. And no I dont take it as rejection, its not about me, its about something that is even bigger then himself.

[whichwayisup]

Is there any way you can start putting feelers out there and find another job? I don't know how you're going to function with a level head, having to see him daily. How can you start to heal?

 

Stay strong and I hope you feel better soon.

[Mino]

Is there any way you can start putting feelers out there and find another job? I don't know how you're going to function with a level head, having to see him daily. How can you start to heal?

 

Stay strong and I hope you feel better soon.

No, finding a job making 6 figures in my line is next to impossible. And I have been there years longer, I be damned to give up my career, not for him nor anyone eles, Just have to make this work:cool: Thanks wwisup!

[OpenBook]

I'm so sorry, Mino. [[[hugs]]] We're here for you, as you have been here for us so many times.

 

And I'm with WWIU. I definitely think you should find a way to GET AWAY FROM THE B*STARD so you don't have to see him every day!! I've lived thru that. Having to face him and deal with him every day just prolonged the agony for me... moving on was so much more painful than it had to be.

[Mino]

I'm so sorry, Mino. [[[hugs]]] We're here for you, as you have been here for us so many times.

 

And I'm with WWIU. I definitely think you should find a way to GET AWAY FROM THE B*STARD so you don't have to see him every day!! I've lived thru that. Having to face him and deal with him every day just prolonged the agony for me... moving on was so much more painful than it had to be.

Hi Openbook, Thanks for your support. Its funny, I dont see him as a ba*stard.I do feel sorry for him. I know he is sitting in his place, in pain, and confusion. He has been fighting this for a long time. I cannot be angry with him, for I am a mother too. In his mind he felt he had to choose me or his child. In his mind he couldnt blend us together and create a happy life. Its crazy, because in my reality it was never about choosing one or the other, this would be absurd. Children always have priority....

[whichwayisup]

Is there anyway you can ask for a transfer? Another area to work from? Just so you don't have to see/deal with him daily.

 

You are right, kids come first. As painful as your situation is, and as much as you want him, something tells me you wouldn't be able to be truly happy if he chose you over his children.

[jwi71]

no I have not blocked anything, I work with him and I do see him everyday.

 

Ok...its ok to not be ready to really let go. Just be prepared for the consequences.

 

I was more then the woman he loves..and wont leave his family for, HE DID LEAVE< almost a year.

Perhaps you misunderstood my intent. I am NOT trying to belittle you. I am NOT saying your R was unimportant to him or you. His R with his W and child are MORE important. Subtle yet huge difference.

 

I know he left her and moved out. How many times now? Honest...ask yourself...how many times has he moved out. Then moved back in. That's my point Mino...sure...he moves out AND THEN HE GOES BACK. Just like now. What does that tell you Mino?

 

And its not about you or your value to work or society or even your MM. Its about HIM and HIS failures.

This is not about attachments to his w, but only of his child and his ocd.

Yet you say this "He cares for her because of the longivity of his m and she is the mother of his child. He always says he feels sorry for her"

 

He doesn't love her but he sure as hell cares for her, feels responsible for her and values some aspects of the M. He obviously loves his child. I am certain he cares very deeply about you. I don't deny one moment the strength and validity of your R with him.

 

But you gotta open your eyes. All of life is a choice. What did he choose.

He chooses his M and his child time and again. I say this as carefully as I can. I do NOT want you to think I am rubbing your nose in it. But I think you are choosing to "not see" it. And, to me, that leaves you open to more of this same pain. There is a clear pattern that I see...and I'm sure its hard because you're in the thick of it. (This is why NC is important...clouds lift and you see things you "overlooked").

 

Is the door open, NO !

I hope not. I only want you to be happy. And I don't see it with him.

 

Because I do realize this illness is not going away! Beleive me, we tried, everything.

I don't understand this.

 

And no I dont take it as rejection, its not about me, its about something that is even bigger then himself.

Good. Its not about you at all.

 

I am worried you will slide back into this. And that nothing will change. Given that you work with him, you cannot go NC. And the work with him part will be very hard on you.

 

How about a three day weekend? Just disappear for a few days.

 

(I did and it helped me cope...in fact...I'm returning to Portland to camp out by the Zig Zag river next month...another recharge me event)

[2sure]

Mino - I feel for you. I'm a BS, and regardless of whatever else I think ...I sincerely feel for you. Time to take care of YOU, and you know that.

 

But look: Yes, he has demons. Yes, he misses his kids. Misses them so much that he will fight his way back into the house, simply because legally he can.

 

All about HIM.

[Mino]

Mino - I feel for you. I'm a BS, and regardless of whatever else I think ...I sincerely feel for you. Time to take care of YOU, and you know that.

 

But look: Yes, he has demons. Yes, he misses his kids. Misses them so much that he will fight his way back into the house, simply because legally he can.

 

All about HIM.

Thank you, I do feel for the w since she does not know we have been living together all this time. She may assume. I am sure he is not giving her the truth of why he wants to return. As far as I know, she had moved on with her life and ajusted to the S very well. Now the drama will start again for her. But its her choice too, knowing what he like and what she can expect of him, I am not sure if she will put herself in that position once again.

[Mino]

Hi Jw171, I do understand what your saying about choices. And I agree. In his case with his illness(ocd) His brain is wired differently then a normal person. His child has become his obsession. I also know that once he has stilled this pain inside of him, (meaning he is back home) The obsession will stop, and then reality will set in of what he has done. In the meantime, his w thinks he is there for the right reason, to work on his m, and out of love to her. And then the proccess of wanting to leave will start all over again for him. The w gets dragged through the pain again.....Vacation would be nice. We are extremely busy at this time of the year, but maybe I can squeeze something in, Laying on the beach with a Bahama Momma sounds really really good to me right about now. I can hear the hear the steel drums calling:cool:

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, I do feel for the w since she does not know we have been living together all this time. She may assume. I am sure he is not giving her the truth of why he wants to return. As far as I know, she had moved on with her life and ajusted to the S very well. Now the drama will start again for her. But its her choice too, knowing what he like and what she can expect of him, I am not sure if she will put herself in that position once again.

 

Mino, the thing is, you really don't know WHAT he is telling her. You hear this through him, that's the thing. For all you know he may not have the nerve to tell her what is truly going on, which then makes me wonder if he's omitted stuff to you as well. This guy can't make up his mind and it's more than just his kids. I mean, he isn't going to hurt you more by telling you more than he needs to.

 

But you don't know what will happen once he's home and settled. Maybe they'll do counselling, maybe he'll want to make his marriage work..To assume that he'll want to leave again is a mute point because noone knows what the future holds, especially theirs.

[norajane]

5 years is a long time to give someone a chance to get their act together. It is indeed time for you to take yourself out of the equation and let him and his wife do what they will.

 

It's a hard road at first, but it's a road YOU are in control of. And that beats letting an indecisive MM make your road for you. Take that vacation as soon as you can and start the healing process.

 

There is better out there for you than what you've been dragged through the last 5 years. Now you have the opportunity to clear your heart and mind and go for it!

[whichwayisup]

5 years, but how much of the 5 years did it take for him to actually leave? Before his wife found out etc..

 

But I do agree, 5 years is too long for her life to more or less be put on hold, waiting for the MM to crap or get off the pot.

[norajane]

5 years, but how much of the 5 years did it take for him to actually leave? Before his wife found out etc..

 

But I do agree, 5 years is too long for her life to more or less be put on hold, waiting for the MM to crap or get off the pot.

 

For some people, 5 years is long enough to marry, have a kid or two, divorce and remarry. One of my friends is doing that right now, wedding in Sept.

 

In this case, I'd say it's long enough that the relationship has run its course for Mino - he's trying to get back into his home, right where he started. Holding on for more of the same, which she's already been through as he's left 2 or 3 times now, is just banging her head against the same brick wall hoping for a different result.

 

And the best part about banging your head against a brick wall for 5 years is when you stop.

[Mino]

5 years is a long time to give someone a chance to get their act together. It is indeed time for you to take yourself out of the equation and let him and his wife do what they will.

 

It's a hard road at first, but it's a road YOU are in control of. And that beats letting an indecisive MM make your road for you. Take that vacation as soon as you can and start the healing process.

 

There is better out there for you than what you've been dragged through the last 5 years. Now you have the opportunity to clear your heart and mind and go for it!

Thanks Norjane, your right...time to start my healing;)