grogster Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 SG is using sports and male bonding (with Steve) to avoid confessing to JS his crude, sexist lust for blue halter top girl, which is demeaning to JS, and all women everywhere. Plus, SG must kick his porn addiction, which is demeaning to JS, and all women everywhere. Great post, GT.
missdependant Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I feel unappreciated and thought the girl in the blue halter top might appreciate me and save me from the vacuum that this relationship has become. Have a nice day Oh, Carhill. :D
Author Jersey Shortie Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Gorilla, even I can laugh at myself and your post did make me laugh. It was clever. Despite the fact that you think I am some evil witch for my own NATURAL concerns. I am just tired of how there are so many excuses on why men do things but as a woman, I am expected to rise above it all while he is allowed to pander to it. I.E: Him looking. I.E: Me not being allowed to naturally feel upset about his interest in another girl. I thought mercurial to be a much better parallel I liked it better then stupid car analogies! It was very smart. Our MC often commented that my wife and I talked "at" each other, rather than with each other. Ultimately, at some point one of us would shut down. In our case it was her. The breakdown in communication was both our responsibilities. We weren't valuing each other's strengths and accepting each other's weaknesses in a healthy way. Well I agree it's both responsibility to communicate. And I don't claim I am perfect. But I do make an attemtp to talk about things and often feel like men just don't really care too much. So, what are you going to do when you find a guy who engages you emotionally and really listens and accepts? Scary thought, huh? Getting what you want often is If I found a guy that actually did that, I would be more committed to wanting to make him happy as well.
carhill Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I do make an attempt to talk about things and often feel like men just don't really care too much. This is a critical observation which I took away from MC regarding compatibility. For you, this aspect of a relationship is a need, not a want. Do not compromise your needs. If you encounter a man who consistently exhibits an uncaring attitude and your overall feeling is that he is uncaring, that's a deal-breaker. Don't waffle. I saw signs of a similar dynamic when my wife and I were dating but did not yet have the maturity to recognize it for what it was, an elemental incompatibility. Such doesn't make us bad people, rather just incompatible for each other. The guys in your sample might make perfect partners for women who want a companion and don't really care about sharing their feelings.
Trialbyfire Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Jersey, everyone has a right to their own ideals and opinions. You also have a right to question them. Where that right ends, is blanket generalizations, with no real knowledge about how every man or each couple interacts. You also have the right to want a man with the same ideals, so it's not a constant battle of wills. That's what compatibility is all about. The more values and ideals you share with your partner, the easier the relationship becomes. I can't take non-resolution. If there's a problem, lay it all out on the table on both sides. Discuss for a short while. If resolution is impossible, is this a want or a need? If it's a need on one side and a want on the other, it makes sense for the "want" side to roll over. If it's a want on both sides, find a compromise. Where it tends to get bogged down, is when pride/ego takes over common sense or basing wants not on facts but feelings.
Woggle Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 JS no offense but if you found a man like that you would still find something to pick apart and be unhappy about. Your type always does.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 JS no offense but if you found a man like that you would still find something to pick apart and be unhappy about. Your type always does. Thank you Kettle.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I've dated a couple of men who were the kind that would withdraw at the first sign of conflict. It's because YOU feel better after talking things out, while THEY feel worse. They walk away feeling like you're unhappy with them, like you're blaming them for stuff and they're not good enough, like you're the coach who told them they throw like a girl, like you're the boss who told them their work is sloppy, like you're mommy chastising them for being bad. They think of their women as the ones who support them and lift them up and make them feel like superman. Any attempt at talking about issues feels like criticism to them, and they'd rather avoid it. The only thing that I found that worked was to approach every "issue" with humor and in a playful way, rather than anything remotely resembling confrontation. Also, don't do it directly. Sit next to him, holding his hand, rather than facing him head on. Better yet, have the conversation while he's doing something else like folding laundry or cleaning up with you in the kitchen, so he doesn't have to look at your eyes/face at all. As far as my BF is concerned, this is spot on. We've had two conversations where I had to address something that bothered me, neither of which were a big deal at all, but I needed to speak up about. Both instances really brought him down. I've had to make it clear that my efforts to communicate things that bother me are no reflection on him, or how I feel about him, but merely things I want us to work on together.
C-i-C-u Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I have had this experience all through-out my life with guys. With the men in my family, extended to the men I have dated. And something I see on this message board. I know this isn't just special to the guys I pick. But I have personally experience that whenever I have tried to discuss something with a guy, they either shut down or get defensive and avoid directly dealing with what is going on.It is frustrating to say the least. Why do guys do this? Just because a woman wants to discuss an issue that she is having, doesn't mean she thinks your evil or awful. It just means something is bothering her and she wants you to try. Do guys not care to resolve things that bother their woman? Or do they just bury things down deep becaue men aren't taught really to deal with their emotions very well? guys don't do that. Boys do who are still stuck in that silence=strength. Eventually some females will tire and want a real man who says whats wrong. A male who communicates is something most women want. Not some meathead who thinks going silent is the best solution.
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