Jilly Bean Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Why would you say that? Not having the experience, you have no frame of reference to examine the psychology of it. I'm genuinely curious. Because both you, who lost his virginity at 35, and the other male poster who is a 35-year old virgin, both commented that they would wait months and months before being intimate. Most sexually active people wouldn't assess such lengthy timelines. See the trend? It doesn't take a trained psychiatrist to know that anyone who waits this long in life to have sex isn't clear of some issues or hang-ups/dysfunction. Sex is a very normal, and very natural act, and it IS a basic biological drive. Those that delay it this long have some other things attached to it - whether religion, waiting for marriage, some different sense of morals in which they view sex as bad or wrong, sexual abuse, fears, orientation confusion, low sex drive, etc. Take your pick.
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Try lack of an appropriate and loving sexual partner Doesn't make sense to you because, one, you're female and men pursue you for sex and two, you started having sex at a young age for whatever reason and only have that frame of reference. You might find me to be, in real life, far different than you're inferring here. A couple of LS'ers already know For the OP, at this juncture, I'll clarify sex to mean, for myself, penile to vaginal intercourse. Just wanted to make that clear.
Jilly Bean Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Try lack of an appropriate and loving sexual partner Doesn't make sense to you because, one, you're female and men pursue you for sex and two, you started having sex at a young age for whatever reason and only have that frame of reference. You might find me to be, in real life, far different than you're inferring here. A couple of LS'ers already know For the OP, at this juncture, I'll clarify sex to mean, for myself, penile to vaginal intercourse. Just wanted to make that clear. Oh, I have a hard time imagining that is a valid reason. I think making it to 35 or 40 and not having a relationship is also a bit off the norm... I lost my virginity at 19 (or 20, I forget exactly - it was somewhere in that timeframe). Not exactly a child. And you are personalizing this WAY too much, Carhill. But, thanks for the Clinton-esque qualification.
Samari Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 If I was really into someone, and she was really into me and we were dating consistently, I probably wouldn't be able to wait more than two months. Sex is a very important aspect of a relationship to me and I do value it highly. No offense to the partner's personal beliefs, but that is just how I feel. It is a great way to spend time together.
Author trenino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 for you who think it is better to wait and hold it . I want to hear How did you prevent it ? did you avoid private place such as his or her apartment or something like that? Always date in public space ..? or is it by reducing the frequency of meeting each other like.. once a week? Please share your experience .. What is the best way to ask a guy to hold it? tell him straight ? Some guys may find it very offending. The thing is .. i notice guys tend to treat girls differently after sex. The romance seems just gone... On the other hand, most girls feel more "connected" to the guys. It seems once sex came things get blurry. any male opinion? why do u guys behave differently after sex?
Samari Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 The thing is .. i notice guys tend to treat girls differently after sex. The romance seems just gone... On the other hand, most girls feel more "connected" to the guys. It seems once sex came things get blurry. any male opinion? why do u guys behave differently after sex? I think I understand where you are coming from. But it really depends on the situation. I mean if you and a girl meet at a bar, go home and have sex, I mean she should assume, or at least have a clue that what happened was just a one-night stand. If you are a guy that is seeing the girl consistently and in effect are "dating" the woman and after a while finally have sex...then nothing should change afterwards. But there are guys in this world that go through all that and set up a girl for a major letdown all because they wanted to "hit it and quit it".
t0ri Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Personally, although I have, I wouldn't sleep with someone I wasn't officially dating, and I'd wait at least a month or two of dating to do the deed. I had sex with my ex right before we started dating and I think that was a bad idea. Way too soon, for me. Sex is emotional to me, so...whoever I date next better be willing to wait till I'm ready. Or they can walk away, which is fine too. Everyone's different.
39388 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Statistically, globally, the average age that people lose their virginity is 17, so yes, waiting until 35 or older is highly abnormal and atypical. This isn't a moral argument - it's the sheer statistics reflecting that someone waiting this long, is waiting about twice the average age, which makes it highly unusual. Because both you, who lost his virginity at 35, and the other male poster who is a 35-year old virgin, both commented that they would wait months and months before being intimate. Most sexually active people wouldn't assess such lengthy timelines. See the trend? It doesn't take a trained psychiatrist to know that anyone who waits this long in life to have sex isn't clear of some issues or hang-ups/dysfunction. Sex is a very normal, and very natural act, and it IS a basic biological drive. Those that delay it this long have some other things attached to it - whether religion, waiting for marriage, some different sense of morals in which they view sex as bad or wrong, sexual abuse, fears, orientation confusion, low sex drive, etc. Take your pick. I agree sex is very normal. I've stated that causal sex does not interest me. I want sex with someone who loves me. I'm very hungry for sex now, more hungry than someone who statred young could possibly imagine. I have to find a woman who wants a relationship with me and this is very very hard. Being a doormat with no self confience up until recently is why I couldn't find anything resembling a relationship. The two most negative traits a man can have. Now, I see one post after another saying how abormal it is which is another hurdle to overcome. I'm fully aware that I might be asked about this in a relationship and a truthful answer might cause her to want out of the relationship immediately. It's an almost endless cycle. I don't think it's many months. It's once we know and trust each other and are in love. There is no specific amount of time.
Calyapae Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I think deciding on when to have sex with someone completely depends on the dynamic of that particular relationship. For example - you go on a date and really like the guy and don't want to just turn the relationship into only sexual, maybe you feel that this has guy has the potential to be someone important to you, it would probably be a good idea to hold out a little before you have sex together so that you can develop more of a relationship. However, if the vibes between you are purely sexual but you don't think of the guy as being the type of person you could be with in a longer relationship, maybe just being short term or a bit of fun, I don't see why you shouldn't have sex with him around 3rd date, maybe 2nd if he has a strong effect on you!! I personally wouldn't jump into bed with someone on the first date or anything, because I feel like even if theres not going to be a relationship, I would still like for the guy to have a modicum of respect for me and I do need to feel like there is a bit of a connection and be attracted to the guy to enjoy the sex. And for me, attraction is not just looks, but personality too, so I would need to get to know him a bit first. But I truely feel that every situation is different and you can't put a definite "only after x amounts of dates" or anything, since the dynamics between 2 people can vary so much.
Asami Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Most women, if they listen to their instincts v. rationalize them away, know when the time is right which can change per partner. It could be one date, or might never happen at all. Having said that, I would highly recommend that people wait for exclusivity, previous to entering into a physical relationship with anyone. good advice, I just wish I was knew about LS prior to my last relationship experience.
prettybaby Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 It took us about 30 dates LOL But we're definitely an exception And we even already knew each other before then, so it wasn't like we were going out with a total stranger lol That being said, there are no regrets about waiting this long. It was all well worth it, and the endless amount of dates before it happened actually make for awesome memories now We kept a little memory box with restaurant receipts, cinema tickets, present wrappings, cards, etc in it. That sounds sooo pissy LOL But the whole anticipation period was magical so to speak. We got to know each other very well, and the attraction kept building up until we just couldn't take it anymore lol **sigh** Sorry, I'm rambling! I must add though: it wasn't conscious choice. Neither of us thought "okay, we should at least date this many times before we get physical". It just happened that way, mainly because of our persnalities. We both need to warm up and get super comfortable with someone before we can get intimate; so it simply worked out that way in a pretty natural manner. And it's something that was never even discussed. I think it's wise to wait between 5 and 10 dates before you jump into bed with someone; especially when it's someone you have just met and still need to get know first. But I personally wouldn't go as far as flat out denying sex for a long period of time, to the guy I supposedly love. Especially if I feel attracted. That's just stupid imho.
BoredPerson Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I think the appropriate time to wait is one date and that sex on the first date is very permissable. To the poster above. I'd love to be in a relationship for that long and to have been friends with her before hand would be perfect, you are a very luck person to be smart enough to let that happen. However, unless you try to sex them as soon as possible most girls will just put you in the friends basket. I think girls need to learn to be more accpeting of men.
carhill Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 any male opinion? why do u guys behave differently after sex? With a healthy man, sex should strengthen the connection. To me, it's a great way to see if the couple is on the same page. If they're not, there's a disconnect after sex for the first time. An awkwardness. It doesn't have to be fatal, but it is a great signal to pay attention to. Such are the risks of intimate personal relationships. I want to hear How did you prevent it ? did you avoid private place such as his or her apartment or something like that? Always date in public space ..? or is it by reducing the frequency of meeting each other like.. once a week? At the risk of JB poking a stick at me again, it's real simple: self control. My d*ck doesn't run my life. Never has. Never will. So much so that invitations to personal spaces, like apartments and homes, never signaled (nor do signal) any sort of sexual import to me at all. In fact, the first time my wife cooked me dinner at her home while we were dating, I spent the night. I don't think we had sexual relations for another month. I slept on the sofa. Non-issue. Looking back at your other threads, I think, for you, seeing clear consistency in a man's actions will be your indicator to move forward. If you don't see that, leave him be. His sexual and romantic style should match or compliment your own. This is what I meant when I was talking about an 'appropriate' sexual partner. People can be sexual without being appropriate. It seems to be 'normal' that men are those people, but I can say from experience that it's pretty equal opportunity.
bac Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 it depends on your objectives. if you want to get married a guy, you better wait longer like 1-2 months. if you are looking for a short time fun you do not wait too long and go for that on 1-3 date. it depends on your age as well. In general if you are an adult mature person with previous sexual experience and you are looking for something between fun and a relationship which is not too serious or long-term ,but you do not want just one-night stand, the waiting period is 3-5 dates. If you are an adult mature person you talk about exclusivity in approximately 4-6 months of sexual relationship. I have got all this information from books.
39388 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 At the risk of JB poking a stick at me again, it's real simple: self control. My d*ck doesn't run my life. Never has. Never will. So much so that invitations to personal spaces, like apartments and homes, never signaled (nor do signal) any sort of sexual import to me at all. I fully agree. It's all about self control. I *really* want to have sex, but at the same time I don't want to share the experience with someone I don't love.
carhill Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 One thing you will have to be watchful of, if my experience is any guide, is that, once you become sexually active, if that person does not become a LTR for you, it will seem to be much easier to have casual sex. Also, you will feel sexual more quickly when presented with intimate situations, even unhealthy or inappropriate ones. IOW, self-control is more important after losing your virginity than before, IME. Again, this is keeping in line with a philosophy of love and intimacy driving healthy sexual desire, if that is your choice. You will be tempted. Women can be very persuasive. Words to the wise
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 seeing clear consistency in a man's actions will be your indicator to move forward. If you don't see that, leave him be. His sexual and romantic style should match or compliment your own. This is what I meant when I was talking about an 'appropriate' sexual partner. People can be sexual without being appropriate. It seems to be 'normal' that men are those people, but I can say from experience that it's pretty equal opportunity.That's it in a nutshell. While people can say anything, when it comes to backing it up with actions, that's an entirely different thing. I'm going to take it one step further in that both words and actions should mesh. If they don't, there's conflict within the other person, so strap in for the drama-coaster, if you're willing to ride it out. I wouldn't recommend it, since within the early stages, it's easy to get out and find someone who's all in.
39388 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 One thing you will have to be watchful of, if my experience is any guide, is that, once you become sexually active, if that person does not become a LTR for you, it will seem to be much easier to have casual sex. Also, you will feel sexual more quickly when presented with intimate situations, even unhealthy or inappropriate ones. IOW, self-control is more important after losing your virginity than before, IME. Again, this is keeping in line with a philosophy of love and intimacy driving healthy sexual desire, if that is your choice. You will be tempted. Women can be very persuasive. Words to the wise What I'm most concerned about is how I will react to an opportunity if I'm nearing 40 and am still a virgin. The emotional pull toward breaking it might be so strong that I might do it earlier in a relationship than I might have intended otherwise.
ON MY OWN Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I dont think there is a standard on this. However if you sleep with someone on a first date your chances of a one night stand shoot way up. Ppl do view sex in different ways from one another and the person you are dating should have the same view points as yourself if it isnt it can be a recipe for disappointment. I am with Jilly Bean on saying what is important to you. If your going to sleep a person you should be able to talk to them about whats important to you.
carhill Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 What I'm most concerned about is how I will react to an opportunity if I'm nearing 40 and am still a virgin. If you make your opportunities, and I personally think you should, you will feel more in control of yourself and the process. It becomes a positive step rather than a reaction.
39388 Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 If you make your opportunities, and I personally think you should, you will feel more in control of yourself and the process. It becomes a positive step rather than a reaction. I'm trying. I have to be patient, but it's not easy to be. I have to get more dates before I can possibly get to the point where sex is an option.
Mikka Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I think it's different for everybody. I, myself, have been on both ends of this topic. I would rather have the feelings to go along with it. I've had no strings attached one night stands before a couple times. (hey, it happens. lol) and... Right now I'm dating someone who I was friends with for about 2 years beforehand. I ended up being his first girlfriend, and he the same age as me (21), and don't plan on even bringing up sex with him until it's like 5-6 months into the relationship. Taking it slow can be nice. Leaves something to the imagination.
JohnP82 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I think it's different for everybody. I, myself, have been on both ends of this topic. I would rather have the feelings to go along with it. I've had no strings attached one night stands before a couple times. (hey, it happens. lol) and... Right now I'm dating someone who I was friends with for about 2 years beforehand. I ended up being his first girlfriend, and he the same age as me (21), and don't plan on even bringing up sex with him until it's like 5-6 months into the relationship. Taking it slow can be nice. Leaves something to the imagination. Now this is what I don't understand. Women how can you reconcile sleeping with a random guy one night and then when you have a boyfriend making him wait?
rod_in_gtown Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The Bible sets absolute moral standards that God expects us to follow. This is what it says: "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that commiteth fornication sinneth against his own body." (1Cor. 6:18) and also: "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind," (1Cor. 6:9) and also: "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." (1Cor. 7:2) Enough said. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
carhill Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Both parties have freedom of choice. If one party chooses to wait and the other does not agree, then they both can choose to move on to a similarly minded partner. Women (men, too) don't reconcile their sexual choices; rather, they just make them. The main difference is that, generally, women are the gatekeepers of sex in any one specific instance. It's an extension of the caring theory. Whoever wants sex less and hence disallows it from happening has the most control at that given moment. Stereotypically (less so, it seems of late), that's women.
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