ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I am new to this forum, this is actually my very first thread and post all in one. I am a married women in my mid-thirties and had an affair a year ago with a co-worker/friend of mine. I had been unhappy in my marriage for years and felt betrayed by my husbands actions with a woman friend from his work. My co-worker/friend had always flirted with me, gave me attention and we got along well and had a general pull/chemistry for each other. Well I ended up first in an EA then it turned physical. The affair lasted only a month. I thought at first it was harmless fun, but of course ended up falling for him. He ended things with me claiming it could never work, which I totally agreed with him. Not only am I 13 years older than him but he also has a long term girlfriend, plus I am married with 2 kids. Since he ended things I have been miserable. I am working on my marriage and that has improved but I still often think of my AP and just how hurt and used I feel. He still wants to be friends and I just find it very difficult when I still have feelings for him. I understand NC is the way to go but it is just so hard to make that final break. Approximately how long did it take to get over the AP? It just seems like these feelings will never go away.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I don't really have any advice for you, but wanted to say you've been heard and welcome to the forum.
Tabbie Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 It can take a long time. I was in an affair for over 5 years and he went back to his wife almost 9 years ago and I am still heartbroken. I feel for you and know how awful it can be.
MistyK Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 My sister went through a similar situation - a heated 3 month affair that she knew would never go anywhere. I think it was so hard for her to let go because after they ended things she romanticized the A so much. Is it possible that in retrospect he is appearing much better than he really is because you experienced such a brief snippet? Does he seem more attractive as the opposite/alternative of your husband than as a person in his own right? I imagine it must be very painful for you to still have to see him everyday at work. Is it possible to have NC?
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Hey So sorry you are in pain, I know how it feels. Im not going to lie, it does take time, sometimes a long time to 'get over' someone you love. Has it been 1 year since the A ended then? {{{hugs}}}
ednadean Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 is there any chance he might switch jobs? I think for most people -- the most heartbreaking thing is seeing the person constantly and being reminded of them and [even if you don't want to] -- comparing that person [who you make perfect in your head] to the 'reality' of your spouse. the grass is always greener on the other side as they say Move on, stay strong, and stay focused. It sounds like he's well and truly let go...time for you to as well.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Well in response to the posts. Thank you for your warm welcome here and kind words. I'm sorry I didn't make everything so clear. My AP is no longer working with me, in fact we have both moved on to different jobs, but we still keep in contact through email. I have tried to not contact him but he usually emails right when I begin to feel I am "over it." I have kept the emails pretty platonic, but he has not, yet he is the one who originally broke things off. and to MistyK thank you for your response. Yes my fantasy of him was not the reality of him and I think I still hold onto that when I need to realize even if we could be together (my AP and I) it would never work. I really need to move on, my thoughts are constantly deceiving me I need to be true to myself and really let go.
jwi71 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 but we still keep in contact through email. I have tried to not contact him but he usually emails right when I begin to feel I am "over it." I have kept the emails pretty platonic, but he has not, yet he is the one who originally broke things off. Here's why you can't "get over it"...its not over. Every contact is a continuation of the A. Oh I know...its just friends. Except that's not how you are emotionally reacting to him. He is obviously fishing for sex - which further makes you feel used. NC is the only answer. Its the only-sure fire way to end the A and its associated feelings. And...have you informed your H of the A and that you continue to contact this man? I would say that your continued contact with your lover is retarding your ability to move forward at home as well.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I have tried to not contact him but he usually emails right when I begin to feel I am "over it." I have kept the emails pretty platonic, but he has not, yet he is the one who originally broke things off. Have you thought about blocking his emails?
jj33 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Lady I think the first thing is to own up to what people are saying that the contact now that it is no longer required for work, is personal. And you are within your rights to tell him, we ended this, I need to have no contact with you so that I can move on. Let him know you will be blocking his emails. Remind him this is what HE wanted. He chose to end it so he does not get to have your attention as and when he feels like emailing you or contacting you. Being his little pal is not part of your job description. There need to be real consequences to the fact that he ended it.
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Did your husband ever find out about the affair? You have to say goodbye to him because even though you two aren't in the A anymore, you're still very much emotionally attached to him. How can you heal and try to reconnect with your husband if the OM is still in your life, even by email? Ask him, no tell him to respect your wishes and end it once and for all. Hanging on is just keeping the addiction of feelings alive.
jj33 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Very true WWIU. I found that to be the case over the past few years. Yes I had a work connection and only time will tell how possible it is to sever that, but the fact is that being in such close touch kept the spirit of the A alive for both of us (like a ghost) years after it ended.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Well I know what I need to do. I have not blocked AP's email and no my husband does not know. I don't think I will ever tell him as I am unsure of how he would react. My husband cheated on me previously to my affair so I think I liked the extra attention I got from my AP and the fact that he is 13 years younger than me was obviously another self-esteem boost. I just was never prepared to fall for him. Is it best to send a NC letter or just block email altogether and move on, it seems so cold, but I guess that is how I was treated when the affair ended.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 A NC letter would be best, but you need to be honest with yourself and why you cheated and your husband should know the truth, I mean it's only fair that you know about his past indiscretions and yet you stayed, why isnt he showed the same?
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Well I know what I need to do. I have not blocked AP's email and no my husband does not know. I don't think I will ever tell him as I am unsure of how he would react. My husband cheated on me previously to my affair so I think I liked the extra attention I got from my AP and the fact that he is 13 years younger than me was obviously another self-esteem boost. I just was never prepared to fall for him. So you know what it's like to feel betrayed, the loss of trust, since your H cheated on you. Did you two ever seek marriage counseling during your recovery? Or was the A a reaction (not saying revenge) to his A? I just think since you gave him a chance, don't you think he deserves that same chance as well? If he finds out you cheated and kept this from him later on, it'll be alot worse than confessing now. Is it best to send a NC letter or just block email altogether and move on, it seems so cold, but I guess that is how I was treated when the affair ended. Just tell this guy you need to focus on your husband and fixing your marriage and it would be best if he stopped contacting you. Say goodbye and then block him. No need to make a big deal of it.
hopesndreams Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 You say you are working on your marriage but without confessing to your husband what happened and then doing some major repair work, if he would still want to, what's to say it wouldn't happen again? There could be another AP around the corner, someone younger, fitter, gives you a wink and your off doing it again and the cycle will just repeat itself. You found out about his affair and it's only fair for him to find out about yours. Confession is good for the soul. Besides, good chance he will find out next month or maybe years from now and it would be much worse for both of you then. Go NC right now with that guy. Seems to me, could be wrong, he might want to have another go with you. Would you be able to resist?
LakesideDream Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 LadyDesigner, There is a possibility that you will never "get over it". Everything isn't in our control. Sometimes we cross boundries we can never recover from. I hope this is not the case for you. It's not the case for most people. Most people recover from their affairs, and loves with various degrees of difficulty. Sometimes with no difficulty at all. I hope that's you. It wasn't me.
MotoMan Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 You know what to do, it's your emotions that are distracting you. One thing that's been missing in the thread is whether or not you want to rebuild your marriage. You don't want to tell your H, because you don't know how he will react... I think you DO know how he will react, that's why you don't want to tell him. The question is, do BOTH you and your H want to strengthen your M, or are you both worn out from trying and the misunderstandings that pop up in R's? Check marriagebuilders.com and drphil.com for info on how to "affair-proof" your M. Since you've both strayed, you're both going to need to change to make the R work. Good luck to both of you, I hope you both can build a great M, and enjoy your two kids together and grow old together
Author ladydesigner Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 adyDesigner, There is a possibility that you will never "get over it". Everything isn't in our control. Sometimes we cross boundries we can never recover from. LakesideDream this quote seems to ring so true I really do feel like I have crossed a boundary that I can never recover from. My fist love in life broke my heart and still does not even come close to the pain that I feel from this affair ending. I thought I would be over this by now:( MotoMan I do need to figure out a way to affair proof our marriage. What is most strange is that I was never really hurt very badly upon discovery of my husbands affair so I often wonder whether I really truly do love him or not. I feel my affair happened out of loneliness and circumstances that were in my control but I still crossed that boundary. My affair partner which was my co-worker at the time were really close friends and one thing led to another and Bam here I am now. Well thank you for all of these wonderful responses I hope to learn a lot here and from all of you.
LakesideDream Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Ladydesigner, Each of us has the potential to be vastly different, it's society that tries to compact us all into rigid, definable boxes. You are in the right place to discuss your situation, and get some good feedback. Understand you will get a lot of feedback that does not apply to your situation, don't let it worry you. The "broken heart" analogy is a good one. Hearts can be like bones. I broke a leg 25 years ago, it was a serious fracture. I was in a half cast for 6 months. The "doctor" said it was healed. A quarter century is a long time. You know that when I stress that leg, or even sometimes when I'm under other stress that leg begins to ache right near the break. I don't think about that leg very often, when it begins to ache I can't think of much else.
Owl Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Lady, you seem to have missed WWIU's (very valid) posts. Do you intend to rebuild your marriage? Does your H know about the affair? If so, does he know about the continued contact with OM? These are key questions and points, because they clearly outline one possible solution for your issues right now. But it all depends on what your goals and intentions are towards your H and your marriage.
Author ladydesigner Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Lady, you seem to have missed WWIU's (very valid) posts. Do you intend to rebuild your marriage? Does your H know about the affair? If so, does he know about the continued contact with OM? These are key questions and points, because they clearly outline one possible solution for your issues right now. But it all depends on what your goals and intentions are towards your H and your marriage. Owl you are right. I guess I am really unsure as to what I really want. I feel like I need to work on my marriage for the kids. I really am unsure as to whether I am still in love with my husband. We get along great and there was a time that we truly were in love ,but I often feel like too much has happened for me to feel really loving towards him. No my husband does not know about the affair and I probably will never tell him. I know it's not right I really just don't see the point. I am currently considering marriage counseling. And my husband does know I am in contact with the OM, but sees him as my colleague, which he was until we crossed that line. I know I sound like a mess I guess I really wanted to be heard and have a place to talk about this. Nonetheless I am still heartbroken.
Owl Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Owl you are right. I guess I am really unsure as to what I really want. I feel like I need to work on my marriage for the kids. I really am unsure as to whether I am still in love with my husband. We get along great and there was a time that we truly were in love ,but I often feel like too much has happened for me to feel really loving towards him. My wife could have posted this exact statement 5 years ago, shortly after her EA with OM. She felt the exact same way at the time. No my husband does not know about the affair and I probably will never tell him. I know it's not right I really just don't see the point. I am currently considering marriage counseling. And my husband does know I am in contact with the OM, but sees him as my colleague, which he was until we crossed that line. I know I sound like a mess I guess I really wanted to be heard and have a place to talk about this. Nonetheless I am still heartbroken. I'd suggest that if you choose to walk away, and end the marriage, there's no need to tell your H. Other than knowing the truth about WHY things turned out the way they did, he couldn't do much with that information, and your honesty at that point would be useless to him. If you were to decide to work on the marriage...telling him would be CRITICAL. A marriage will NOT successfully recover if rebuilt on a lie. There are tons of reasons why you SHOULD tell him if you're working on the marriage...and the only 'REAL' reason you'd have for not telling him is simply to avoid having to be responsible for the choice to have an affair. His knowledge that you contact "a colleague" doesn't really mean anything, if he doesn't know about the affair. Given that you're still in contact with OM...you have no real desire or intent to end the affair (ANY contact is a continuation of the affair), nor to come clean with your H and work through all of this. I understand that. I'd simply tell you this...does your H not DESERVE the truth? The chance to decide for HIMSELF if he wants to remain married to you after your affair? Do you think that keeping him in the dark about the real situation that his marriage is in is fair to him? Wouldn't you want to have the option to decide to remain married to him if he was cheating on you? Again...I'm making suggestions, and being point blank honest...but I'm not intending insult...what I'm hoping is that you'll see what I'm saying and take a few minutes to look at the situation through HIS eyes, and do the right things for your marriage and your family. I'm not telling you to end the marriage, nor end the affair. I'm suggesting that EVERYONE in the situation be given the equal chance to choose, based on the full knowledge of the situation.
dobler33 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 LakesideDream this quote seems to ring so true I really do feel like I have crossed a boundary that I can never recover from. My fist love in life broke my heart and still does not even come close to the pain that I feel from this affair ending. I thought I would be over this by now:( i know how this feels, my dear. your comment about your first love heartbreak not even coming close to how bad this feels kicked me in the gut because that was exactly what i felt when xOM ended it. i have to say that i'm a little freaked out by the fact that you're still hurting after a year - i'm only about 7 weeks out and hoping for better and better as time moves on. it's scary to think that it could still hurt in a year. but, this may be a difference between our situations - my H knows and we're rebuilding, and all the love for him i had forgotten seems much more accessible now, which definitely amelliorates the pain and grief of losing the xOM. the one good thing that came of the affair was a rock-solid knowledge of what i want in my relationships, and what i wasn't getting in my marriage. when we started to rebuild i was reserving judgement to see if it was possible to find the same kind of intimacy and openness and emotional closeness w my H that i had w the OM. i can see it's there, and the possibilities are a glimmering goal to shoot for. i can imagine how much more pain i would be in now if that wasn't the reality in my marriage, as you seem to feel is the case for you. my H surprised the hell out of me - he forgave me and set to work busting through all the defensive bullsh*t he'd set up to keep me out, and i hardly recognize him now, he's so different from the man i strayed from. do you think your H is capable of the same thing? even if you doubt he's likely to do it, do you think he's capable? if so i'd say tell him and try to work through to something better than you were before. if not, moving on may be the right thing for you, because once you've tasted that kind of love there's no going back to lack of communication and intimacy if that's all that's possible in your marriage. in that case, you can still say the same thing - that out of this pain and disaster you at least have learned what you want, need and deserve. if that's not available with your husband, then you know now it's possible with someone, even if it's not the OM. i would echo what owl and others have said - if you do intend on staying it is really impossible to grow unless you tell him. like i said, my H made a total turnaround, so it is definitely possible. keep us posted and much love to you.
LakesideDream Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 First: Wise 'ol Owl, Your critical posts to LadyDesigner are all true, and there is a great need in the world for truth. Things are not shades of grey. That being said, sometimes the hand holding that megaphone could occasionally be clothed in a velvet glove. LadyDesigner is DOING most of the right things right now. She knows what her DUTY is, and is looking for support because, as is often the case doing the right thing doesen't feel very good. There is much to be said for "faking it till you make it". You know my story, I began to "feel" there was something very wrong in my marriage, and purposefully shut my eyes. I had a 9 and 10 year old who relied on me. I was the rock that anchored the family. I am proud of the fact that I got them through to young adulthood, living on their own before it all went up in flames. I have a lot of empathy for LadyDesigner.... maybe it's the shared initials, LD..... or maybe I just "in that mood".
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