wow123 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Many of the people whom dumped us still loved us but didn't feel like the relationship was what they wanted. They continued to stay with us and talk to us until they found someone new. It seems like we are hurting ourselves by going NC. Why can't we continue to remain in contact with them until we find someone new? It's the same thing they did.
TheBigCow Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Well two things: 1) If it doesn't hurt you at all to stay in contact with your ex, your not the same as most of us (or me at least!). 2) Your ex probably doesn't want you to contact her if she has a new boyfriend, would be awkward for her. And if neither of those are a problem.. 3) If you don't get over your ex, then no second relationship is going to work, and NC is for many people the only way to do this effectively. Obviously your ex didn't need NC to get over you.. but thats the privilege of the dumper I guess..
Author wow123 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Well... 1. She wants to stay in touch...I asked. 2. It hurts me more to be out of touch it seems. I went over 3 weeks NC. I'm trying LC i guess...
TheBigCow Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Possibly she wants to stay in touch... it seems more likely she's a bit guilty and is just trying to be nice. Don't take this as a personal attack please, just seems to be the case in usual. 2. It hurts me more to be out of touch it seems. I went over 3 weeks NC. I'm trying LC i guess... Okay well I should have said, does it make you happy. NC does hurt for a while, but it slowly gets easier. I honestly think if you want to move on, you need to go NC. The reason I think this is that you're finding NC so hard. If you were finding it a breeze then sure, obviously you're not finding it too difficult to get over her, but you're not. If you want to heal yourself so you can get back into another healthy relationship you're going to need to let go of your ex. However you should do whatever you feel is right for you.. this is just one guys opinion, and admittedly one guy who doesn't know you at all. Just don't cling onto your ex if you know there is no chance. If you can honestly just be friends then okay, but you NEED to be honest with yourself
Author wow123 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Well there may be a very slim chance if any. That's why I dont want to go NC and never know if there were a chance. I'm trying LC, maybe talk once a week. I'm still going out with my friends on weekends and partying and all that. Just haven't met anyone else yet. I figure if/when I do meet someone else I will go NC and take things very slowly with the new person.
sacg Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Good lord, man. Dont think it works like that, at least not if you really care..... Just live
Taucher Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I sort of agree with Wow123. My GF left me 3 weeks ago. I am stuck in our flat that we started renting together so happily 2 years ago. The reasons for the split were mainly hers (she did dump me after all) but I suspected that there were a lot of outside issues that made her question us. As it turns out, she went as far as to admit this is the case when we met up on Friday. We have stayed in contact (not ever initiated by me) and I have let her know that I love her but that I am fine and can cope with anything. This is not how I feel but I am not putting pressure on her. If it goes on like this for much longer then I will go to NC, but at the moment I feel like I am there for her while she thinks about sorting out her issues. The way I look at it is that texting and emailing every 2 -3 days keeps it ticking over. I still miss her more than anything but I hope I will gradually be weened off having to have her in her life. And if she decides to get back because she acknowledges her issues and sees how good we are together, then great. If (IF) I have moved on, then tough luck on her. What I am trying to say is, although I can see the value in NC, only YOU can know what your relationship is like, what the REASONS for splitting up were, what frame of mind your significant other is in. There is no right answer for anyone. I will end on a positive note. I was best man at my firend's wedding in March. They were going out for 6 years. They had a 4 month split in the middle. My friend went NC and his gf said that she felt like he didnt care about her. He guessed that that might happen but he followed the adivce of his friends to go NC and they almost split up for good. Do whats right for you. But dont beg or plead. That is never a good look. T
NopeNah Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Maybe see if you can treat her and her new man to a meal? Let her go...well she is already gone.. Let yourself go I guess would be the proper term. For yourself, your sanity and your pride!
TheBigCow Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Okay well first off when I say NC I am mostly thinking of you initiating contact, if they do, then although I think most of the time best to not reply, there are exceptions. Taucher and Wow you both have not given up hope of your relationship working. I'm not saying you should, but the point of NC is to heal and move on... if you're not ready to do this, then maybe you're right NC might not be for you. I do think you should confront the thoughts that if you 'do nothing' you might have doubt in the future about what might have happened. But at some point you have to say 'this is enough' you can't chase her forever, you will be stopping her happiness and yours. Personally I think looking her in the eye and telling her how you feel is enough, if she rejects you, you should respect her choice. However its different for everyone and you follow your own mind. @Wow in particular: It doesn't really sound as though you have any particular connection this this girl? You say "I haven't met anyone else yet" as though you don't care who it is (within reason) as long as you have someone? I don't have a problem with this.. but you will meet people eventually, if this girl doesn't inspire you amazingly then do you really think its worth this grief? @Taucher: you're right, everyone is different. I think you've got the right attitude in that respect... but be wary of false hope, it can make you crash even harder.
LukeC Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Hey guys, this isn't off topic but neither is it answering wow123's post i'm sorry but maby it will help? I too have been looking for some advice on NC.. I still Love this girl so much and i split with her recently after a 3 year relationship. Basically i want more than anything go get back with her and i can do that because i know she Loves me just as much as i Love her and in the end I called the split and know its not what either of us wanted it just had to be done so that we could reflect on our mistakes.. In the last year we did both make a terrible mistake and basically i confessed straight away and she confessed 6 months after (last week). I'd argue we are both as bad as each other but that I can't see our Love for each other ever going away even though at times i can't belive what she or I did I know i wont ever be able to completely forget them and that hurts but i'm sure it hurts her just as much!? I started NC yesterday with her hoping that it would heal my emotions, but quite honestly it feels like i'm going to push the only girl i Love away... I just want us to regain respect for each other, I want her to know that i'm not to be taken for granted and that I could live without her... (even though i feel i can't) Is non contact the right way to go about this and to find out how a partner really feels about you? Or is it only a method you apply to a partner you want to forget. Any help is much appreciated thankyou! :] Luke
NopeNah Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 You ended it with her LukeC? If you truely want her back IMO NC is not the way to go...but, if its only been one day why havent you tried to fix it already? are you sure you even want/need to? sounds to me like cheating was involved by both parties...and that nonsense will be brought up in the near future by both of you, even if you reconcile..
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 To keep my answer short: NC allows you to fall out of love. It is the fastest way to fall out of love with someone. And it's hard as hell especially when you're not the one who wanted it to end but I think everybody here knows that Let's keep each other strong, we all have our bad days. And I've had the same doubts you're having. But I don't want to inflict myself any more pain by standing around watching my ex move on. Sooo, I'm doing NC. For myself. To move on. To stop my pain. If you really wanna do this, do it. But what I've learned from it, you'll regret it. So think about it, and HARD. I guess my answer wasn't so short after all.
NopeNah Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 And WOW123...I'm not as week as my EX to need her around to"find someone else before I move on",like she did me! I hope that you're not either..I don't need her support in any form or fashion to do that...I'm a "good looking/cool guy" that can find PLENTY on my own..what the hell do I need her for now? She can keep my closure and her bull****!
TheBigCow Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 LukeC if you can forgive her (like she forgave you presumably) you might be able to make it work. But since you both violated the others trust you're really going to need to work together to re-build the trust, which includes being completely open about your feelings. (in other words I would talk to her) Guys the bottom line for me is.. sort out exactly how you feel before doing anything. And if you find that your emotions change every day you probably need space not contact. No one but yourself can tell you what the right course of actions is, but I do know that when your in the middle of heartbreak you do things that you look back on and think "well that was a bit dumb".. so try and avoid that!
jlr Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 of course it always depends on the situation. if you were the one who dumped someone and now you want them back, well then yeah, i'm sure you'd want to contact them to let them know that. But if they already know that and don't know what they want to do, NC will help to heal that. It will help them make a choice. Same for if you were dumped and you want that person back. If they are confused and dragging you up and down in their indecision (as in my case, for example), then NC makes the most sense. It's the only way they can clear their head to think about it all. Only time and space can really do that. If love is meant to happen it will. If NC makes the other person forget you and move on to someone else, then it wasn't meant to be. Being around them isn't going to make them love you again. It has to be something they want because they want it, not because they just keep with what's familiar. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. In alot of cases, you need to be apart to realize what really matters or what you want. And, I don't know about you, but I can't be my ex's buddy while she's got a new dude. I can't do that with someone I loved and was intimate with for five years. I think the being friends part is sort of a sham (I know it does work in rare cases). Someone always gets hurt.
jlr Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Many of the people whom dumped us still loved us but didn't feel like the relationship was what they wanted. They continued to stay with us and talk to us until they found someone new. It seems like we are hurting ourselves by going NC. Why can't we continue to remain in contact with them until we find someone new? It's the same thing they did. Also, in regards to the above statement. Why would you want to be with them if they have found someone else? What's the point? And why do you need to do what they did, it's not a game. If they kept you around for backup until they found someone else, you should be mad about that, and you shouldn't want to keep being around. My two cents.
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