Ingenue Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I'm not sure if this is the right section to post this query, but I'd appreciate any advice or kernels of wisdom that you all could share. My current boyfriend of 6 months will be moving away at the end of summer. I am not going with him as it is too premature to move in together and he should experience the excitement and feelings of his new situation. This move will be at least 4 years, possibly more. In the time that we've spent, we click very well. We've yet to have an argument and we see each other between 3-4 times a week, and email and talk every day. We're both in our 30s with similar dispositions and similar political views. I am not insecure nor am I possessive and I encourage him to follow his dreams wherever they may lead him, with or without me. But I am uncertain as to whether to continue the relationship in a long distance mode once he moves or end it at the end of summer and enjoy the 8 almost 9 months we will have had together. While he will only be 2.5 hours away by car, long distance relationships are difficult. Is it best to take this day by day and see whether an LD relationship is feasible or would it be in both of our best interests to end it now before both of us become even more attached. I raised it with him the other day and we both started crying when we spoke about the possibility of breaking up. Both of us seem to lean towards trying it day by day. My heart tells me to try the LD but the rational part of my head tells me otherwise. Any thoughts/comments/advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
WTRanger Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 2.5 hours by car really isn't that "long distance" in my opinion. It's medium distance at best. The fact that you two will still be close enough to see each other on weekends and if there were to be an emergency you can make it to him in no time is a plus. Any sort of distance relationship takes work, commitment and trust. If either of you are not willing to do all three, then don't waste yours and his time. If you two really do click together, why in Sweet Jesus would you be willing to throw it all away for a measly 2.5 hour car ride? Seems to me like you are looking for an out.
BCCA Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Just remember, where there is a will, there is a way. I would just wait and see. Maybe it will be too much to handle, but maybe it will actually work out alright. And you never know, maybe 6 months from now it will be a good time to move in together.
northstar1 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I'm not sure if this is the right section to post this query, but I'd appreciate any advice or kernels of wisdom that you all could share. My current boyfriend of 6 months will be moving away at the end of summer. I am not going with him as it is too premature to move in together and he should experience the excitement and feelings of his new situation. This move will be at least 4 years, possibly more. In the time that we've spent, we click very well. We've yet to have an argument and we see each other between 3-4 times a week, and email and talk every day. We're both in our 30s with similar dispositions and similar political views. I am not insecure nor am I possessive and I encourage him to follow his dreams wherever they may lead him, with or without me. But I am uncertain as to whether to continue the relationship in a long distance mode once he moves or end it at the end of summer and enjoy the 8 almost 9 months we will have had together. While he will only be 2.5 hours away by car, long distance relationships are difficult. Is it best to take this day by day and see whether an LD relationship is feasible or would it be in both of our best interests to end it now before both of us become even more attached. I raised it with him the other day and we both started crying when we spoke about the possibility of breaking up. Both of us seem to lean towards trying it day by day. My heart tells me to try the LD but the rational part of my head tells me otherwise. Any thoughts/comments/advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Well, if you post this on the Long Distance Board, you'll find quite a few who are doing long term long distance relationships so they can offer you some advice. How far away are you going to be and how often could you possibly see each other? My experience was not positive with an LDR. Same amount of time toghether before we became long distance as you have with your boyfriend. It didnt' work out after trying it for a few months. Too far away and for too long. My thought is that life was too short to be trying to conduct a 'relationship' over internet lines and cell phone towers. I want to experience someone in the physical world, and that includes spending time with them on a regular basis - and the intimacy. I just couldn't deal with the separation and the uncertainty of what the future would bring. But that is my experience, others will offer you the other side of the coin.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Have you had the luck of finding people you click with really well frequently? If not, then I would advise you to go with your heart. You are both in your 30s and so finding such matches becomes even harder. I think you should give it a try vs. throwing it a way if you both feel strongly enough about each other. Your writing sounds very mechanical and so I def think you should use your heart over your head. If you lose him without trying, will you regret it?
Author Ingenue Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks for the suggestions/comments all. To clarify, I'm not looking for an out as opposed to rationally thinking the situation through before investing my heart into something that might be doomed to fail. I've been in a LDR before and they take a lot of work so I'm aware of what needs to be done. I'm just not sure whether I want another relationship lived through the virtual world and how satisfied I can be with it. It's true that we click well together and I'm not averse to trying, which I'm leaning towards doing at least for a month or so to assess our dynamic. I'm just not entirely convinced of how reliable my heart is, as its never really been that successful in navigating the choppy waters of relationships.
Katherineos123 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I think this relationship is certainly worth pursuing... Its not everyday that people find someone they "click" with and can be themselves with. You should at least give it a shot, you might kick yourself if you dont... and at least if it doesnt work, you can safely say you tried. However, I think if a LDR is to work out, there HAS to be a light on the horizon... Someone will inevitably have to agree to move to the other... Otherwise, all the uncertainties will eat you alive. You could say... "lets try the LDR thing for 6 months... or a year... see how things go.. and then talk about finding somewhere together..." Im in a semi-ish long distance relationship, similar to you, about 2 hours away... we've only been doing this for about 8 months, and it is certainly exhausting, and very difficult... But i knew from the get-go that he was planning on moving to me come September.... And having a solid date in mind made it much much eaiser.
Author Ingenue Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 However, I think if a LDR is to work out, there HAS to be a light on the horizon... Someone will inevitably have to agree to move to the other... Otherwise, all the uncertainties will eat you alive. Im in a semi-ish long distance relationship, similar to you, about 2 hours away... we've only been doing this for about 8 months, and it is certainly exhausting, and very difficult... But i knew from the get-go that he was planning on moving to me come September.... And having a solid date in mind made it much much eaiser. I think this is what is giving me pause. It's too premature in the relationship to make any guarantees except that I know he will be relocated for 4 years. In that time, things will be very up in the air as he won't be looking to settle down on account of his new circumstances. I do know that if I don't try it for at least a few months, I'll kick myself because of our "chemistry".
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I don't get the big deal, I guess. People are lazy, IMO. My BF and I are over 2 hours apart. (If I'd quit speeding, it's probably 2.5.) He can't leave his place in the summertime much at all because it's when his job REALLY picks up and it's not worth the headache. So I'm the one doing all the driving (he chips in for gas and changes my oil for free). It's not a big deal because I love the guy. I love spending time with him. But I guess, when you have to commute an hour and 10 mins one direction everyday for work because of the area you live in, 2.5 hours to go see my BF is nothing to me. It's all about perception. And about how strong the relationship is. (And btw...I have no "end date" in mind. Neither of us is really planning to move. In fact, we've already discussed my trips out to his place this winter...meaning that we're stuck "LD" for at least another year. We haven't discussed moving at all in awhile.)
Author Ingenue Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 I don't get the big deal, I guess. People are lazy, IMO. My BF and I are over 2 hours apart. (If I'd quit speeding, it's probably 2.5.) He can't leave his place in the summertime much at all because it's when his job REALLY picks up and it's not worth the headache. So I'm the one doing all the driving (he chips in for gas and changes my oil for free). It's not a big deal because I love the guy. I love spending time with him. But I guess, when you have to commute an hour and 10 mins one direction everyday for work because of the area you live in, 2.5 hours to go see my BF is nothing to me. It's all about perception. And about how strong the relationship is. (And btw...I have no "end date" in mind. Neither of us is really planning to move. In fact, we've already discussed my trips out to his place this winter...meaning that we're stuck "LD" for at least another year. We haven't discussed moving at all in awhile.) I think that's great that you can do that. I did an LD relationship over 6+ hours away from me for 5+ years. Commuting was a nightmare but we made it work because we spoke every night. I do love spending time with my current boyfriend and it's going to be terribly sad when he moves away. Given my past experience with an LD relationship, I just don't want to be in yet another relationship for another 4+ years where the primary mode of communication is lived out in the virtual world. There is something to be said for consistent face-to-face interaction and I don't know if seeing him once a week or upwards of 3 times a month is sufficient. It's all speculation at this point as he hasn't even moved away yet. I am willing to try as is he.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 You know he is moving for four years. Well if you are in your 30s - if it goes well, I imagine you might consider moving there during that? 4 years is a long time . . .
Author Ingenue Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 You know he is moving for four years. Well if you are in your 30s - if it goes well, I imagine you might consider moving there during that? 4 years is a long time . . . I absolutely might consider moving there. But he could be relocated anywhere from 4 years to 6 years or more and he has no desire to start a family or settle until after his stint is over. I think the only thing I can say with any certainty right now is that we're both willing to try it out for a few months. That's all that any relationship can ask for. Even if he did stay in the city, there is no guarantee that we wouldn't break up either.
Recommended Posts