vintagecat Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I am straight always have been, always will be. That's just my orientation. I had a bosom best friend in high school (and later) that at the time I had no idea (but in hindsight I was clueless) that is gay. I school we did everything together, had similar interests and activities that we both enjoyed. After school we kept in close contact for years, traveled together, spent time with each other, talked on the phone, exchanged emails, same for other members of my family as she was the "adopted" daughter. She was even commissioned to marry my husband and I 17 years ago. When my father died about 8 years ago she came back home to be with us and she seemed different, distant, distracted. I had immediate family concerns so I noticed but didn't really worry about it too much, as we were all on edge at that time. Months later she stopped returning phone calls from both me and my family. Our email went unanswered. We were being cut off. I then found out that she was living with a woman in Oklahoma and that it was probably a spousal relationship. We invited her and her partner several times to join us for other family celebrations/events but she didn't even bother to decline the invitations. I really don't care that my friend is gay but I really do care that I've been fully cut off from her as has my family, who also cares. Numerous attempts to pin her down either by phone or with invitations or dropping through town have been either ignored or rebuffed. When we've (I, my mom, brother) asked her what's wrong, she claims that she's just very busy. I am the kind of person that finds it hard to make friends and the ones I do have tend to be lifers. I really can't afford to lose too many friends and this one has thrown me for a loop because there was no precipitating incident. So today I woke up this morning missing her after having a dream that she was in. Writing this post is the first time that I've really acknowledged the permanence of this loss and it has me in tears. Any insight into this from maybe gay people that have cut off straight friends? What's up with this? I have to ask strangers because she won't tell me.
Girlygal Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 i would like to see what advice you get because i am in a similiar situation, only i see my friend frequently since we live in the same town and i see her parents all the time because they are clients of mine. I knew since 10th grade that she was gay, but she never came out until after college and things have never been the same since. i remember one time shortly before graduation she took me to dinner cause we had a spat and she wanted to make up. she showed up with flowers and a card but when we got to the place we were eating there were a bunch of our friends there and i just sort of let the whole thing go. But in hind sight i often wonder, was she trying to start a "relationship" with me that night and when i "blew her off" did i offend her? I will check back later, i am super interested in what people have to say!!!
quankanne Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 vintage, two possibilities are running through my mind: 1. she might feel uncomfortable about being out of the closet and has cut off old ties to be able to live a gay lifestyle without worrying about being judged 2. she's in an abusive relationship where her partner has isolated her from her friends and family. And I hope to God it's not this, because she may feel like she's got to give in to her partner's demands in order to keep the peace in their home ... just keep sending messages, let her know you're thinking about y'alls friendship and that you miss her. Hell, if you were close at some point, tell her the dream had you worried, and that you just needed to hear her voice. I've done that with friends of mine (guys and girls) and they were cool with that.
dunstable Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I don't see what her being gay has to do with this.
Author vintagecat Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Being gay may have nothing to do with it but the cutting off not just of me and my family, but also other former friends happened once she took her first partner. As far as I know she has never "come out" to anyone officially. She just kicked us all to the curb without explanation regardless of previous closeness. She was like a sister or in my case closer than I am with my sisters and then nothing. No contact, no response when I initiated (time and again) no explanation. The coincidence of timing is too much to ignore. Bottom line: Today I finally acknowledged that this situation is probably permanent which made me sad and I'd like to possibly understand what happened. Thanks quankanne, both of your scenarios may be a possibility.
norajane Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Have you ever acknowledged to her that you know she is gay and this has not changed your feelings for her at all? That you love her for who she is and miss her and wish to be a part of her life again? Maybe she doesn't realize that you know and don't care about her sexual orientation? Although, I'm more inclined to think that quankanne could be right - this sounds more like an abusive relationship problem, rather than having to do with her being gay. Unless there is something about your family/religion/background that would lead her to believe you wouldn't be able to accept her as gay.
Author vintagecat Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 norajane, Thanks for your thoughts. All of us have said things roughly similar to her because it doesn't matter to us whether or not she is gay and has a partner but she insists that she's just "really busy" and that's all. When I called in the past and got the "friend" you could freeze ice on her ass by the tone of her voice and mostly she would tell me that my friend wasn't available and that she would pass a message to her. Of course, no return calls. When I get my friend on the phone she's not unfriendly but is distant, vague and gets off the phone in a hurry. I'm pretty puzzled by all of this but of course she won't tell me what's going on. I've tried. We all have. I just essentially buried a friend or the hope of regaining a valued friendship today. I suppose after 8 years I'd finally get it. This is not a passing phase.
norajane Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Do you have her email? You might do better to try to communicate with her that way. The best you can do is keep sending a message every now and then and let her know that you love her, miss her, and that your door will always be open to her no matter what. There may come a time when she can take you up on that open door. Anything can happen in the future - it's not set in stone that this is how things will always be.
Author vintagecat Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 No email address. Unfortunately they moved to Georgia two years ago and all I have is her work number, of course not the best place to call for heartfelt conversations....any call I make and actually get her on the line lasts maybe 5 to 10 minutes. Just after they moved to Georgia I decided not to bother her any more so I haven't called recently. Her father died last August and our family sent a huge wreath and my brother that lives near where the funeral was held called her but got her mother who was very cordial. I have pretty much given up (it would take a miracle to reverse) but I'd sure like to understand what happened. Maybe I'd feel better about it. Maybe I wouldn't wonder. I think why I dreamed about her and why this is an issue is I have a critically ill family member and no real friend except my husband that is close enough to share this burden with. I miss the type of mutual support and closeness that we once had. I've never replaced her. Being dumped has wounded me more than I care to admit now that I've begun to write about it.
sally4sara Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Could be your friend had unrequited emotions for you that you were never aware of? During the years, she meets her current partner and confides to her the story of her coming to terms with her own sexuality and the childhood friend she was attracted to but could never seal the deal with. Maybe you were her "the one that got away but made me realize I was gay"? Her partner may find you a threat and asked her to not re-establish a connection with you for that reason. Think about it; if your old friend had been a guy, you would probably just assume this was the case.
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