What Have I Done...

[stuckinoz]

I feel the same... I feel there is not a good outcome for me out of either choice.. I TELL, my husband WILL freak! So much so, I worry of him doing something VERY extreme to either himself or me, and to top it all off ruin the lives of three small children? OR hold it in and never be able to let go of the guilt.. which is worse??? ALL I can promise right now is that I will NOT be doing anything without him and I am praying hard!!!

 

I'm not one that normally says right off the bat that you should tell..I would normally say, keep it to yourself, work on YOU & your marriage. But this seems to be KILLING you. Maybe you should just tell him. Have you thought that maybe he'd understand. Maybe he loves you enough to work on things & make it better again.

{{Hugs}} You need them!!!!!!

[Reggie]

I think you should tell your wife and let her decide how she wants to go forward. Surely, you must believe she has the right to know.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Again, all telling you to come clean have been cheated on and all have a story to tell. I reiterate, say no. Your wife has created a terrible environment at home (when it comes to sex) and you have done your best to repair it from the OP. Yes a mistake was made, but again there was no SEX!!!!

 

Say nothing and see whether your spouse is as committed as you to repairing the marriage and addressing her issues (as I think you have hers).

 

I know those saying come clean have been hurt in ways I do not know, but I refuse to accept that spilling your guts is the right thing to do....

[LostInCosmos]

Keep it coming folks - the different perspectives are really helpful.

 

It's hard to know what to do...

 

There are so many elements to this. At the core, I feel like I'm going to feel worse if I keep it to myself. If I tell her, I feel better, but she breaks down. On the flip side, it does seem disingenuous not to tell her. On the other flip side - this was a major shift in the way I'm viewing the situation; if I find a new job, fix the marriage and move forward, is it better to just use it as a personal learning experience?

[HsMomma]

There are so many elements to this. At the core, I feel like I'm going to feel worse if I keep it to myself. If I tell her, I feel better, but she breaks down. On the flip side, it does seem disingenuous not to tell her. On the other flip side - this was a major shift in the way I'm viewing the situation; if I find a new job, fix the marriage and move forward, is it better to just use it as a personal learning experience?

 

Just as I think it's wrong to assume to know the right way for anyone else to live, I think it's wrong for you to assume that your wife can't handle the truth (sounds like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men ). When my exH was cheating on me, I'm sure he thought I was incapable of dealing with knowing what he was doing too - how WRONG he was! What I was incapable of was living a lie. I know you'd feel better if you didn't have to tell her because, while "personal learning experiences" are just marvelous things, you don't have to REALLY deal with any fallout that the affair would cause. At least not from your wife. Internal fallout is one thing - true marital fallout (where both people know the whole score) is entirely different.

[LostInCosmos]

"I think it's wrong for you to assume that your wife can't handle the truth"

 

Perhaps, but I know my wife very well. I also know what the power dynamic in our relationship is. Do I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what she will do? No. But I've seen her face adversity many times in the past. It's not her strong suit. And only in the past few weeks has she emerged from a pretty nasty bout of depression and self-loathing. She has also recently kicked an addiction that fed these things, but as with all addictions, provided comfort. Is it possible she won't fall back on these habits? Yes. Do I think it's likely, at all? No. Should I not consider these things?

 

"you don't have to REALLY deal with any fallout that the affair would cause. At least not from your wife. Internal fallout is one thing - true marital fallout (where both people know the whole score) is entirely different."

 

In a weird way, I'd prefer the fall out - if she hated me, demanded a divorce, whatever. I feel like a wretched POS, and feel like I deserve her treatment as such... I know there are a lot of guys out there that can just swallow this, move on, whatever - I'm not. I am borderline non-functional right now.

[HsMomma]

"I think it's wrong for you to assume that your wife can't handle the truth"

 

Perhaps, but I know my wife very well. I also know what the power dynamic in our relationship is. Do I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what she will do? No. But I've seen her face adversity many times in the past. It's not her strong suit. And only in the past few weeks has she emerged from a pretty nasty bout of depression and self-loathing. She has also recently kicked an addiction that fed these things, but as with all addictions, provided comfort. Is it possible she won't fall back on these habits? Yes. Do I think it's likely, at all? No. Should I not consider these things?

 

"you don't have to REALLY deal with any fallout that the affair would cause. At least not from your wife. Internal fallout is one thing - true marital fallout (where both people know the whole score) is entirely different."

 

In a weird way, I'd prefer the fall out - if she hated me, demanded a divorce, whatever. I feel like a wretched POS, and feel like I deserve her treatment as such... I know there are a lot of guys out there that can just swallow this, move on, whatever - I'm not. I am borderline non-functional right now.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't consider what she might or might not do in reaction - what I'm saying is, it should be HER choice. You're her husband, not her keeper. If she were to find out about your affair & go back into a depression and/or her addictive behavior, that is her choice to make. Just as you couldn't MAKE her depression go away or make her give up the habit that fed into her depression & self-loathing, you can't MAKE her go back to those things by telling her the truth.

 

You say you'd, in a weird way, prefer the fall-out - if that is indeed true, then you need to make the choice to tell her the truth of what happened. But it seems to me you don't want to make a decision because if you do, there will be negativity.

 

That's what happens. When someone steps outside the marriage & the spouse finds out, there are bound to be repercussions. When someone steps outside the marriage & the spouse doesn't find out, the WS finds him/herself paralyzed. Seems to me you feel as if you're damned if you do tell & damned if you don't. I don't know how you can live with her, while being borderline functional - does she not know something's wrong?

[Dexter Morgan]

I know those saying come clean have been hurt in ways I do not know, but I refuse to accept that spilling your guts is the right thing to do....

 

tell that to someone who has wasted almost a decade being married to someone that kept her trap shut.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

tell that to someone who has wasted almost a decade being married to someone that kept her trap shut.

 

Every story is different. Please I do not mean to belittle what happened to you, I'm sorry. Simple questions are:

 

1. Was your spouse a serial cheater

2. Was it 1 time or a long-term affair

3. Was there a long-term EA that removed her from you and the family

4. Did you have a family

5. Was there sexual problems in your marriage prior to the affair

 

As said every situation is unique. In this case they were already in a lousy place and he is trying to work his way out of it....

[LostInCosmos]

No, I don't think she suspects anything. She's blissfully happy right now, making it increasingly difficult to come clean.

 

I go back and forth - sometimes I'm able to tell myself I can move forward, put this behind me and get on with our life together. Other times I'm on the verge of throwing up, unable to focus and a just plain mess.

 

It's not helping that the OW is treating me like garbage...

 

This would be the time I'd like to use the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind machine... Ugh.

[MistyK]

LiC, there's a book I found helpful that you might want to check out - it's called "When Good People Have Affairs". It's a very methodical look at why the affair happened, what to do next, and how to keep it from happening again.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

LiC, there's a book I found helpful that you might want to check out - it's called "When Good People Have Affairs". It's a very methodical look at why the affair happened, what to do next, and how to keep it from happening again.

 

 

Again you did not have an affair. Yes you confided in your boss and you did some heavy petting and maybe more. You did not have sex and it was one night. Get over it and concentrate on your marriage..... Also get a new job if this continues at work....

[lostsoulmate]

You do what you think is right. If you don't want to tell her because you think she can't handle it (or you can't handle telling her) then don't.

 

If you can promise yourself it won't happen again, don't let it.

 

If you love your wife, move past your guilt and move forward with your marriage.

 

If you want to tell her just to get it off your chest, don't.... that is too selfish.

 

Getting a new job is a good idea.

 

 

Good luck.

[jmargel]

In this situation I believe you have to learn to forgive yourself for what you have done. In order to do that, you need to recongnize what you have done and then learn from it. Which you are doing. This is the important part.

 

Beating yourself up over and over in regards to this is not doing any good. You are not a bad person, you just made a bad decision like just about all of us had in some point in our life. None of us are perfect and things is, both you and your wife will make mistakes in the future.

 

If her mental well being is unstable right now (which it seems like it is), I would advise against telling her (at least for now). This is more important than her knowing.

 

In the meantime going to counseling is going to help you, you seem to be on the right track with all of this. Both my ex-fiancee and my wife have both had very bad pasts and both have been abused. Often the one closest to them becomes abused by them. So, I know how you feel and I know how easily one can be tempted to confide into another, which creates an emotional bond.

 

Learn the boundaries, learn to recongize them before something like this happens again.

 

Remember your a good person, start working on forgiving yoruself. It's part of life.

 

Good luck!

[Jennifer26]

Again you did not have an affair. Yes you confided in your boss and you did some heavy petting and maybe more. You did not have sex and it was one night. Get over it and concentrate on your marriage..... Also get a new job if this continues at work....

An EA is still an affair. Kissing, heavy petting? Those are grounds for a PA. This did not just happen in one night, this was months in the making.

 

OP - my husband has the same line of thinking as you when it comes to our marriage. I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and my husband views me as being frail, and unable to handle hardship well.

 

He's made mistakes throughout our marriage, including an EA years back.

 

In all cases, he chose to lie (either outright or by omission) and keep me in the dark because 'he didn't think I could handle it' and the end result of all of it has been that the trust in our marriage has been completely shattered.

 

I found out about the lies eventually, some not for years after, but eventually. I didn't leave him, I didn't go and hurt myself as he feared, but because I know he has and will lie to me I no longer trust much of what he says to me. Our marriage is pretty empty now, and I find it impossible to rebuild the trust. I feel like ultimately we will divorce, and not because of his EA but because his lack of honesty in our marriage and him thinking of me as this weak creature he must lie to 'to protect'.

 

Just know, should your wife ever find out what has happened all of her trust in you will be destroyed. The pain she would feel if you came right out and told her, will be multiplied many times by also knowing you deceived her. Trust will be even more difficult to regain.

 

Had my husband came forward and admitted he made a mistake to me, of course I would have been hurt. But I also would have seen that he felt remorse over it, and that he wanted to put things right and include me on working on our marriage.

[Reggie]

Again you did not have an affair. Yes you confided in your boss and you did some heavy petting and maybe more. You did not have sex and it was one night. Get over it and concentrate on your marriage..... Also get a new job if this continues at work....

 

Somebody explain to me how this was not an affair. Maybe Bill Clinton can weigh in.

[LostInCosmos]

MistyK: Thank you for the recommendation - checked out the book on Amazon and it looks great. I really need to do some introspective searching and take steps to protect myself from this in the future, and it looks perfect. Gonna pick it up at Borders tonight.

 

jmargel & Lostsoulmate: This resonates with me. Thank you. The support truly means something to me.

 

Toodamnpragmatic: I really appreciate your trying to put perspective on this. The truth is, yes, it could have been much worse. That said, I think Jennifer is right here: no mincing words about it, I had an affair. The emotional attachement alone is fair game. As for what happened in the hotel room, no it was not sex, but it was far outside the bounds of what anyone would consider acceptable.

 

Update for everyone: W and I had a great night out last night. I got out of my own head for a few hours, genuinely laughed and enjoyed her company. It really helped. We also learned, sadly, a good friend's father passed away. We pulled together today to give support and make plans to get down for the funeral. It was nice to be a team again.

 

I feel better today than I have since the incident. I don't want to take one good day as a clear indication of how to move forward, but at this point I'm thinking putting this in the open would do more harm than good.

 

I'll be out of town for a few days, and I'm hoping I can use the time to connect with W. I'll give an update when I'm back. Thanks again, everyone.

[HsMomma]

Somebody explain to me how this was not an affair. Maybe Bill Clinton can weigh in.

 

I agree completely with you, Reggie. I, too, don't understand how this can be construed as anything other than an affair.

 

Bill will just say that "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" so probably don't wanna ask him to weigh in!

[Reggie]

Have you figured out why you had an affair?

[dobler33]

first of all, PM, i've been keeping track of your thread and i've now heard you twice refer to potential acts of violence by your husband against himself or you if you tell him. please seek saftey and counsel from a mental health professional in your area before you put yourself at risk by telling. i hear and understand the posters who are urging you to come clean but the possibility of violence is an extenuating circumstance that must be taken into account. please stay safe, my dear.

 

ok, lost, here's a few different perspectives just from my own recent experience. first though i want to acknowledge that you too have shared that your wife has some mental health/substance abuse issues and that you are concerned for her stability, which is entirely valid. if a BS has a history of suicidality or self-injuring behaviors, this throws all ethical decisions into a different light and must be afforded consideration.

 

that being said, if you feel she is stable enough to hear it i would also advise disclosure. i might not have done, for some of the same reasons folks here have said, but for one story. my xOM's wife had an affair several years ago - a brief and seemingly unemotional physical thing - and although he sensed that something was wrong at the time, she fiercely denied all of his accusations. cut to three years later, and when she found out about our affair (long-a** story that i'll spare you) she finally told him what she'd done. i can't say if falling in love with me can be viewed as a direct result, but his ultimately accurate suspicions and her hiding of the truth set up a big wall between them that was a brick in the foundation of their distance and near-destruction. understand that it's rather painful to take this view, as i was very much in love with the OM and was devastated when he ended it to rebuild with his wife - part of his decision to do so was based on the fact that she had finally fessed up and offered to take responsibility for her own mistakes. but it's a blaringly obvious case of a nasty little secret growing in the dark like a mushroom, fed on lies and guilt, and as such may be helpful for you.

 

i also want to tell you that i didn't think my husband was going to be able to cope with the revelation of my affair, and instead he has turned himself around and is more committed than ever to becoming closer and stronger as a couple. however, i'll reiterate that he is not suicidal, and that this is a vitally important thing to factor in when you're making your decision.

 

have a good vacay, see you when you get back.

[jmargel]

IMO this situation is like a scab, if you keep picking at it nothing but harm will come from it. Like Reggie said, you need to find out within' yourself why you did this. This is the most important part. And it's not because you are a bad person, you are probably lacking something, or have something bottled up that manifested itself into what happened.

 

Find the cause, get a solution to it and then you can move on with your life. Don't drown yourself in the guilt that doesn't do any good. Taking responsibility isn't about telling your wife, it's about realizing what you did, why you did it and finding an answer to it.

 

Continue on working on the marriage, that's the important part.

[silktricks]

I don't think you should tell your wife. This is something that IMO you need to eat. Regardless of what many here say, IMO you'd be telling her for YOUR good, not for hers. If she is just now coming out of a bad depressive episode, it doesn't seem to me that you need to shove her back into one.

 

I do think you need to find a different job as quickly as possible. You apparently do not have whatever it takes to keep yourself from doing the wrong things around and with your boss - for whatever reason.

 

To deal with your own guilt - and make sure that you NEVER do anything like this again, you may want to get yourself into some individual counseling as well.

 

Since you do love your wife, then work with her to continue improving your relationship together. But life is made up of a lot of mistakes. Some of the mistakes we make we just need to take with us to the grave. For you, this sounds like one of them.

[LostInCosmos]

Hi folks,

 

Feel free to give me a "shut up we're bored with you now" once this gets old. But I'm back and thought I'd offer an update.

 

W and I are doing OK. I have begun processing my indiscretion in a more productive manner and have decided not to tell W what happened. If that night had progressed to actual intercourse, or if this was some ongoing thing I wanted to continue, I'd feel differently. But as the situation stands, I feel as though putting this in the open would do more harm than good to our marriage.

 

W and I got made it down for the funeral together, which was nice. Not that we got along perfectly. We had a few snippy, stupid fights along the way, which actually lead to what I *think* was a good conversation last night. The long and short of it is, W and I are very different. I'm the ambitious, wanderer type. She is more the hearth and home kinda girl. After a blow up fight about babies, the suburbs and splashy weddings, we had a productive conversation that basically ended with "yes, we're very different - but we balance each other, and that's a good thing." I sincerely believe this is true, and I want it to work between us, because we are good for each other.

 

On the downside, our sex life is in the toilet, and it's killing me. There is simply no passion. She is very self-conscious and while she enjoys sex with me, is almost never the one to "begin the dance". In my opinion there is nothing in the world sexier than confidence and she just isn't in that head space. Often I'll make advances that are pushed away, which makes me less likely to initiate. Add to this the stress and guilt of my behavior, and it's making for a pretty ****ty situation. It's been 4 weeks since we've made love. Honestly, as far as guys go, my sexual needs are pretty light. More than anything, I need to feel desired - like unrestrained desired. It's probably an ego thing, and yes, probably played a huge role in my choices with OW.

 

As for OW and the job - I put in an application for an attractive role at another firm, but I'm a little disheartened by the lack of work out there. My industry is not doing well in this economy. The OW has become much friendlier. She cornered me before I left last week to hash things out. She was in tears about how distant we'd become and she wants to be friends. It made me feel horrible, but she has a history of being very hot and cold. The truth is I really don't understand her. And I don't want to. I know she's bad for me, but like a drug, I'm attracted to it. I'm trying VERY hard to be polite and civil in my interactions, but maintain a "I don't give a ****" attitude in my head.

 

Any advice on how to keep all the bad, hurtful bits of our relationship in my head and forget the good parts?

[jmargel]

Any advice on how to keep all the bad, hurtful bits of our relationship in my head and forget the good parts?

 

It wasn't a relationship to start with. It was a friendship that went over the boundaries. Would she be the type if you tell her that you want limited contact, to try and contact your wife? Would she be the vengeful type? Just for that reason I would continue to be nice to her, but push yourself a little further away.

 

Perhaps MC is needed for you and your wife, unless you get to the root issue of your problems they will always be there.

[prttymarie]

Well all I can advise you is think of that "SICK" feeling you had when you did what you did and if that doesn't make you not want to even look at your co worker, then nothing will! I know thats enough for me... Good luck to you!