What Have I Done...

[LostInCosmos]

A bit of background: I love my wife, and she loves me. We've been together for around 7 years, married for 4. No kids. About two years ago we ran into a lot of problems. Long story short, we could not find compromise over a number of major issues, we became sexually inactive (sometimes going for months - we're in our 20s, and this had a major effect on me) and she admits she has been clinically depressed for the past year or so. I tried encouraging her with social opportunities, joint yoga classes, getting into therapy (individual and MC), help overcoming addictions she has struggled with, etc.. She met most of my efforts with a lack of enthusiasm. I am *NOT* perfect, but I was *NOT* a bad husband. This lopsided dynamic became exhausting.

 

Around the same time wife and I hit trouble, I became very close to my boss at work. She is also married. We developed an intense friendship, which lead to what I think people would call an EA. It's hard to tell - the wife and I still talked, and things weren't awful, they were just... muted. I definitely confided in OW, and she became a very important person in my life. When I'm honest with myself, I think I was having an EA. This went on for some time, and eventually physical contact was made (not sex - kissing, petting). This was a big wake up call, and we decided to cool off, spend less time together, stop drinking, etc.. I decided to start putting 120% into my W, and use this as an opportunity to move forward in a positive way.

 

Things were going well, until last week. OW and I were on a business trip for an extended period of time. On the last night, we celebrated in a group with some drinks. Stupidly, we decided to order something to eat in her hotel room afterward. One thing led to another and we made a much more serious physical transgression. We did not have sex, but it was WAY over the line.

 

I am destroying myself over this.

 

I cannot eat, sleep or be intimate with W. What is really hurting me the most is things were FINALLY starting to get BETTER wife W and I. She got the opportunity to change parts of her life that were really keeping her down, we were more candidly talking about our sex life and how to better it. She is finally coming out of the depression that had been hiding the woman I fell in love with for years.

 

And now I've ruined everything.

 

I know that everyone is going to say I should tell her - but I just know it will crush her. She might go berserk and attempt to destroy everything in my life, her life and OW's life. She might crumble and turn back to old addictions I've struggled for years to help her overcome.

 

I want to keep hurting over this. I feel like I deserve to be unhappy - I've had some extremely dark thoughts, which I know are not helpful. But I have never been able to do anything which hurts W. She has been making progress in her life - I feel like telling her will unravel everything, to say nothing for our marriage.

 

I guess what I want to know is if anyone has made a mistake like mine, decided to focus the guilt into energy towards their marriage, and had it work out? Or am I deluding myself? I feel like if I can get away from work, focus on W, finally connect her with sexually and do everything I can to help her be happy, I can live with this.

 

I understand nothing I've said is an excuse, and this was a stupid, regretted, choice I made. I understand there are those out there very hurt by people like me, but I'd appreciate it if I could get constructive advice, not heaps of bile.

 

Please help. I feel like a monster.

[Dexter Morgan]

first, if you really loved your wife, you wouldn't have cheated.

 

second, does it really matter if we tell you to tell your wife?

 

As someone that deserved to know what my xW did, and as someone that could have saved precious years off my life with the information that I deserved to know, I can tell you to tell your wife and give her the ability to make a choice about her life.

 

The whole, "I don't want to hurt my spouse" dribble is just that. The real problem here is that the cheaters don't have the balls to come clean.

 

So you were selfish to cheat, stay selfish and keep your wife in the dark....I'm sure you will get over what you did quickly enough.

 

Do what is best for you, don't worry about what is best for your wife or respecting her.

 

Oh, whether or not you tell your wife.....you need to start looking for another job. It is highly inappropriate for you to stay in the precense of your boss and someone that you had an affair with.

 

You can keep your job until you find another one, no matter how long it takes, you keep looking.

 

And if you aren't willing to do that, don't be giving us any bunk about loving your wife and wanting to make this work.

[LostInCosmos]

Thank you for replying Dexter.

 

"first, if you really loved your wife, you wouldn't have cheated."

 

I don't think this is fair. Love does not mean perfection. It means love. Occasionally, we hurt people we love. That does not negate the feeling, it just sullies it.

 

"second, does it really matter if we tell you to tell your wife? As someone that deserved to know what my xW did, and as someone that could have saved precious years off my life with the information that I deserved to know, I can tell you to tell your wife and give her the ability to make a choice about her life.The whole, "I don't want to hurt my spouse" dribble is just that. The real problem here is that the cheaters don't have the balls to come clean.

 

So you were selfish to cheat, stay selfish and keep your wife in the dark....I'm sure you will get over what you did quickly enough. Do what is best for you, don't worry about what is best for your wife or respecting her."

 

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you've been hurt. It *does* matter what advice I get here. I don't have a lot of other places to go for help... Believe it or not, I am genuinely trying to do what is right. Your dismissive tone is not helpful.

 

"you need to start looking for another job. It is highly inappropriate for you to stay in the precense of your boss and someone that you had an affair with. You can keep your job until you find another one, no matter how long it takes, you keep looking."

 

This, is good advice. Gonna spruce up the CV tonight. Thank you Dex.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you for replying Dexter.

 

"first, if you really loved your wife, you wouldn't have cheated."

 

I don't think this is fair. Love does not mean perfection.

 

not talking about perfection. talking about if you loved your partner, you wouldn't be feeling up another woman.

 

not talking about forgetting to put the toilet seat down.

 

 

It means love.

 

in the words of Halle Berry in Boomerang...."love should have brought your ass home last night".

 

 

"second, does it really matter if we tell you to tell your wife? As someone that deserved to know what my xW did, and as someone that could have saved precious years off my life with the information that I deserved to know, I can tell you to tell your wife and give her the ability to make a choice about her life.The whole, "I don't want to hurt my spouse" dribble is just that. The real problem here is that the cheaters don't have the balls to come clean.

 

So you were selfish to cheat, stay selfish and keep your wife in the dark....I'm sure you will get over what you did quickly enough. Do what is best for you, don't worry about what is best for your wife or respecting her."

 

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you've been hurt. It *does* matter what advice I get here. I don't have a lot of other places to go for help...

 

does she have a dear friend you could confide in? I say a friend of hers because a buddy of yours will tell you to keep quiet because he doesn't want to see you in the doghouse....unless the buddy is like me of course;)

 

 

Believe it or not, I am genuinely trying to do what is right. Your dismissive tone is not helpful.

 

its dismissive because I know you aren't going to man up and be honest with her.

 

you could prove me wrong on that one though:)

 

 

"you need to start looking for another job. It is highly inappropriate for you to stay in the precense of your boss and someone that you had an affair with. You can keep your job until you find another one, no matter how long it takes, you keep looking."

 

This, is good advice. Gonna spruce up the CV tonight. Thank you Dex.

 

no problem

[2sure]

Only you can decide whether or not to tell your wife.

Either way, you are going to have to come to terms with this and move forward.

 

The only way for anyone to come to sincere terms with anything we have done is first, to recognize it and own it.

 

Despite your guilt, you still arent owning it.

 

To even think that by not telling your wife you are doing her a service...not inflicting pain, etc. is just further justification of the betrayal.

 

Not judging you - but advising that regardless of what you do - call like it is so you can begin to reconcile with yourself.

 

If you arent going to tell her about this, ok - but acknowledge that you are deciding not to tell her for your own reasons - you are ashamed of yourself, you feel to guilty, you have too much to lose, etc. Whatever they really are.

[whichwayisup]

Since it seems you can't control yourself around the OW and you lose sight of what's important (drinking and putting yourself IN a situation where you'll be alone with OW) I say, QUIT your job. Get far away from the OW, and end it with her completely. You two have crossed the lines more than once and it's only a matter of time before you DO end up having sex with her. Feeling guilty afterwards, like remembering, "Oh yeah I DO have a wife.." isn't going to help you BEFOREHAND.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You are going to get no pity here, except from me. I guess because I have never (knock on wood) been affected by infidelity.

 

I say you say nothing. You did not have sex, you are in your 20's in a sexless marriage and no kids.

 

Find a new, job, do not quit.... Your spouse has to be committed to the marriage, as it is already damaged considering the problems only 4 years in to it at your young age.

 

If it works wonderful, if not, it was not meant to be.

 

Say absolutely nothing.... I am tired of these pious members (though truly understand their hurt) always saying to confess and ruin a number of lives.

 

YOU DID NOT HAVE SEX...... never forget that.

[LostInCosmos]

Thanks everybody - it's nice to hear from different perspectives. And cathartic to actually "talk" about this.

 

Seems like one thing everyone agrees on is to get out of my job. I agree, but it's going to be hard for me to land something else. I work in a sector hard hit by the economy. It feels reckless to just up and quit... but I'm going to put feelers out and post some resumes.

 

2sure: "Despite your guilt, you still arent owning it. To even think that by not telling your wife you are doing her a service...not inflicting pain, etc. is just further justification of the betrayal."

 

There is validity to what you are saying, but it's not lip service that I don't want to hurt W. It's not just that the knowledge of what I did will hurt her, but will regress the progress she has made as an individual. The past couple weeks has been the first time I've seen her truly HAPPY in years. To take that away from her now feels monstrous. I do own what I've done; it consumes my every non-engrossed thought.

[eyeswide]

 

I guess what I want to know is if anyone has made a mistake like mine, decided to focus the guilt into energy towards their marriage, and had it work out? Or am I deluding myself? I feel like if I can get away from work, focus on W, finally connect her with sexually and do everything I can to help her be happy, I can live with this.

 

I understand nothing I've said is an excuse, and this was a stupid, regretted, choice I made. I understand there are those out there very hurt by people like me, but I'd appreciate it if I could get constructive advice, not heaps of bile.

 

Please help. I feel like a monster.

 

Hey there, LiC...

 

I see LOTS of similarities in your story to my own.

 

And my biggest regret of all???? NOT TELLING MY HUSBAND RIGHT AWAY!!!!!

 

I tried exactly what you did -- tried to focus my guilt on making my marriage better. All I did was end up gaslighting my husband and eventually we just froze each other out.

 

Eventually I came clean, but then we were so used to the deep freeze and not dealing with our problems together that we ended up where we are today...working real hard and trying to reconcile after his affair.

 

Good luck to you, dear. You're not a monster. You just play one on T.V.

[eyeswide]

oops - misplaced my emoticon and accidentally hit send.

 

I was going to say, that was a bad joke there at the end, but we all have our monster moments in life -- we all lash out, sometimes in pretty destructive ways (yeah, like having an affair -- none too much worse than that one...)

 

But you are not inherently bad, wrong, weak, on a path to hell. I thought all those things about myself for a long time and that's pretty much what messed my head up for a long long time.

 

Truth it out, honey. Truth it out.

[whichwayisup]

Getting your resume together and putting it out there to see what other jobs you can get is a good idea.

 

Another thing to do is break up with the OW for good. Tell her that you two won't be spending ANY alone time together and try to keep things light and professional. NO more intimate, personal talks with her. Hopefully she'll understand and not cause problems for you professionally and personally.

 

I believe you love your wife, but unfortunately, you love yourself abit more. Sorry to be harsh..

[LostInCosmos]

Eyeswide: Thank you so much. My heart goes out to you, and I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me. It's making me reconsider telling W. I can't tell you how much this has shaken my self-perception to its core; it's people like you that help with perspective. Good people, bad things...

 

Whichwayisup: OW and I are over. Honestly, I can't stand the sight of her, and we've already had the "no alone time, no intimacy, no booze" discussion to day after. I don't really know how she is doing, but I can't engage with that right now. In some ways, I'm very angry with her. She was supposed to be older, wiser, whatever. I considered her a mentor. Not shifting responsibility for this AT ALL (it's on me), but, it's frustrating to lose a relationship I once valued.

 

And as for the love myself more part - you are not harsh. You are right. Years of feeling like I was putting in all the effort did leave me bitter and jaded about our marriage. Again, no excuse at all, but I feel like I'm finally seeing things more clearly now...

 

 

Thanks again everyone - it seems so rediculous to talk about this on an internet forum, but it's extremely theaputic for me (at least until I can figure out my health insurance and see a real therapist!)...

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am destroying myself over this.

 

I cannot eat, sleep or be intimate with W. What is really hurting me the most is things were FINALLY starting to get BETTER wife W and I. She got the opportunity to change parts of her life that were really keeping her down, we were more candidly talking about our sex life and how to better it. She is finally coming out of the depression that had been hiding the woman I fell in love with for years.

 

And now I've ruined everything.

 

I went through this exact same thing.

 

Your marriage right now is crap. Just worthless crap. What keeps you hanging in there is hope and memories. So, what do you do about it.

 

First, by being honest with your wife it will let her know how serious the situation is... and let her make the choice to fix herself and the marriage, or move on.

 

Don't do things like I did! I let my guilt ruin me. I took all the blame for everything and gave 130% to be the best husband ever... while my wife put forward no effort whatsoever.

[jwi71]

Around the same time wife and I hit trouble, I became very close to my boss at work. She is also married. We developed an intense friendship, which lead to what I think people would call an EA. It's hard to tell - the wife and I still talked, and things weren't awful, they were just... muted. I definitely confided in OW, and she became a very important person in my life. When I'm honest with myself, I think I was having an EA. This went on for some time, and eventually physical contact was made (not sex - kissing, petting).

 

Now its a PA (physical affair) as well. You went from emotional attachment to physical acts. And you begin a cycle where EA leads to PA which deepens the EA which makes the PA seem more "natural".

 

This was a big wake up call, and we decided to cool off, spend less time together, stop drinking, etc.. I decided to start putting 120% into my W, and use this as an opportunity to move forward in a positive way.

And this is for everyone who questions NC (no contact) with the AP (Affair Partner). Because every contact continues the A. Sorry OP, had to throw that in...but I hope you see some benefit from this as well. Once you make the leap...you can't "unjump". It becomes a slippery slope...

 

Things were going well, until last week. OW and I were on a business trip for an extended period of time. On the last night, we celebrated in a group with some drinks. Stupidly, we decided to order something to eat in her hotel room afterward. One thing led to another and we made a much more serious physical transgression. We did not have sex, but it was WAY over the line.

...as you have just seen. You are STILL cheating on your W. The ONLY way to end this is to go NC. Which means sayonara to your job. Now, your W will have questions like "Why are you quitting?". You have a choice...lie to her or be honest. Each path is hard and IMO lying is FAR harder and FAR more destructive.

 

Time to be honest.

 

I am destroying myself over this.

I get it. I sympathize with you buddy. And there are again two options of dealing with this guilt: try and squash or deal with it. The funny thing about guilt is the longer you sit on it the more powerful it becomes. Guilt requires a secret...it feeds upon it, nourishing itself and becoming stringer and heavier. Its VERY hard to keep it under lock and key.

 

So starve it. Give it no secret upon which to feed. Better yet, drag the ugly SoB into the light and watch it die a swift death like the vampire it is.

 

So...choose your pain...slow burning and long lasting guilt or a quick flash of a M already deep in trouble.

 

I cannot eat, sleep or be intimate with W. What is really hurting me the most is things were FINALLY starting to get BETTER wife W and I. She got the opportunity to change parts of her life that were really keeping her down, we were more candidly talking about our sex life and how to better it. She is finally coming out of the depression that had been hiding the woman I fell in love with for years.

My friend...do not choose the burning long lasting guilt path. It doesnt get any better. I know you have heard of "The truth shall set you free" and "The truth always comes out". These phrases are millenia old...if you dont listen to me then listen to the hundreds of generations that have passed since those were first uttered for there is substantial truth to them.

And now I've ruined everything.

No you haven't. That's the guilt and shame speaking. Marriages survive this...there are several examples here on this board (mine is NOT one of them). You CAN save it.

 

But it requires honesty. This, not my xW's A killed our M. She was never honest and she never changed. And you are walking a path which greatly hinders your M recovering.

 

I know that everyone is going to say I should tell her - but I just know it will crush her. She might go berserk and attempt to destroy everything in my life, her life and OW's life. She might crumble and turn back to old addictions I've struggled for years to help her overcome.

Yup. And for all the reasons I listed above. You try and play the martyr and you'll be one sure enough. Find a good MC, take your W and be honest. You can't save a M in crisis by adding to the problems.

 

 

I guess what I want to know is if anyone has made a mistake like mine, decided to focus the guilt into energy towards their marriage, and had it work out? Or am I deluding myself? I feel like if I can get away from work, focus on W, finally connect her with sexually and do everything I can to help her be happy, I can live with this.

You're deluding yourself. My stbxw tried it and failed. HAd she been honest and actually tried to work on herself...we might still be together.

 

I obviously have considerable bias towards the truth.

 

Please help. I feel like a monster.

Not a monster. Just a frail, mistake prone human with jumbled up emotions.

 

So...which path will you walk?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I went through this exact same thing.

 

Your marriage right now is crap. Just worthless crap. What keeps you hanging in there is hope and memories. So, what do you do about it.

 

First, by being honest with your wife it will let her know how serious the situation is... and let her make the choice to fix herself and the marriage, or move on.

 

Don't do things like I did! I let my guilt ruin me. I took all the blame for everything and gave 130% to be the best husband ever... while my wife put forward no effort whatsoever.

 

 

There is the crux.... Yes feel the guilt, understand what you did was wrong, but remember, you did not have sex. From the OP, your wife shoulders plenty of blame for the problems in the marriage. Make sure she knows how you feel and figure out what you need to do (the two of you) to make it better and save the marriage.

 

Again I say keep your mouth shut and put it all behind you.

[citizen67]

You are going to get no pity here, except from me. I guess because I have never (knock on wood) been affected by infidelity.

 

I say you say nothing. You did not have sex, you are in your 20's in a sexless marriage and no kids.

 

Find a new, job, do not quit.... Your spouse has to be committed to the marriage, as it is already damaged considering the problems only 4 years in to it at your young age.

 

If it works wonderful, if not, it was not meant to be.

 

Say absolutely nothing.... I am tired of these pious members (though truly understand their hurt) always saying to confess and ruin a number of lives.

 

YOU DID NOT HAVE SEX...... never forget that.

 

 

This is a very unpopular opinion around here, but I happen to agree with it. But you must cut ties with the boss all together. Not necessarily quit but nothing outside strictly professional contact from here on out - thinking you could hang out platonically in her hotel room was kidding yourself

[prttymarie]

I am sorry for your situation.... I to am struggling with a situation. however I crossed the line further than you and did have intercourse and threesome after a night of much, to much to drink and I was stupid and today feel like the worst person on earth. (you can see my story as well as all the posts under "I am just sick" thread) I am not sure what I will do either? Tell or not? No one on this board knows your life, or how telling or not telling will affect you. I hope it all works out for you, you are the only one that can make the decision...

[LostInCosmos]

I did read your post prttymarie - I felt very sympathetic towards you. I know what we did was *terribly* wrong. But these situations feel so black and white on the outside. On the inside they much more complicated.

 

I hope you take solace in the voices on this board. I hope you take solace in the knowledge you went out to an innocent situation, got intoxicated and found yourself in a situation you were unable to control. You are NOT the worst person on earth. You strike me as a committed, passionate and spiritual woman who regrets a single night of indiscretion. I deeply, and truly hope you find peace.

 

*I* should have known better. I never should have allowed this relationship to progress to a point where this was even on the table. And after it was on the table, I should have militantly guarded myself against circumstances which temptation would present itself.

 

But I did not.

 

I feel like such a fool. And I can't figure out which is the worse of two evils - confess, possibly massacring the self-esteem and happiness of the one woman I care about more than anything in this world. Or keep everything inside, just waiting for the guilt and shame to grant me reprieve (will it?)...

[prttymarie]

I feel the same... I feel there is not a good outcome for me out of either choice.. I TELL, my husband WILL freak! So much so, I worry of him doing something VERY extreme to either himself or me, and to top it all off ruin the lives of three small children? OR hold it in and never be able to let go of the guilt.. which is worse??? ALL I can promise right now is that I will NOT be doing anything without him and I am praying hard!!!

[RunawayTrain]

Marie if you were a decent person you would tell him hun. He deserves that respect to know and go and get checked out for STDs.

[LostInCosmos]

I have no idea what's right for you, or your family PM, but I disagree with anyone on this board who thinks there is a black and white, one size fits all solution to this situation.

 

There is something to be said for accepting that you are a fallen human being, capable of monumental mistakes. If this was a wake up call for you (no more clubs, excessive boozing, poor choice in friends, WHATEVER), and in your heart there is a commitment to NEVER allowing anything like this to happen again - I *do* think it's possible that putting this all into the open will do more harm than good.

 

On the flip side, consider if this will chew away at your soul and stop you from moving forward in your MARRIAGE and your LIFE, it's worth considering telling him. It's important to express how deeply this has affected you because of your LOVE for your family.

 

The cold hard truth is there is no great option for us. We made a giant mistake, and either way, we have consequences to pay. Only you and I can decide which is best for us and our families.

 

I was once a deeply religious person, though have since followed a different path. I didn't go the seminary, but I do hold a minor degree in theology. You appear to hold heartfelt spiritual beliefs, so I would like to offer you this:

 

Psalm 32:1-5: Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was turned into the drought of summer. I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," and You forgave the iniquity of my sin.

 

If you can find peace with God and peace with yourself, I would be as bold as to say that speaks volumes to your next steps.

[z1850]

I'm glad you have a conscience. That's a good sign. Now exercise military discipline and maintain your boundaries like a soldier. If the problem persists, find another job. Eventually you'l forget about it, since fornication wasn't involved.

[lkjh]

man up and tell her

[tami-chan]

I am with the minority. Don't tell. BUT, own the guilt, work through the guilt and re-commit yourself to the marriage, a 100% percent. Your wife seem psychologically fragile, and could be devastated if she knows about this. You do not need that to add to your guilt. The punishment for your mistake is the guilt that you will have to live with all your life. Here's hoping, you would do the right, loving thing from here on out.

 

Hit the pavement job searching but do not be careless. You need a job to support yourself and your family (im assuming). Those people who say , quit your job now are impractical-maybe they have lots of money in the bank and do not worry about bills and such. Trust me, it makes it more difficult to work on your marriage if you are financially strapped.

[Dexter Morgan]

I feel the same... I feel there is not a good outcome for me out of either choice.. I TELL, my husband WILL freak! So much so, I worry of him doing something VERY extreme

 

honestly, thats all the more reason to tell him because if it would be considered a big deal to him, he deserves to know.

 

 

to either himself or me, and to top it all off ruin the lives of three small children?

 

don't you dare put this on him. if children's lives are "ruined", it won't be because of anything he did, it would be because of your actions, it would be because of what YOU did......not your husband.

 

And children's lives aren't "ruined" in a divorce. I divorced my wife, my kids are just fine. I see to it they are taken care of. They don't get to see me on a daily basis, and that is a source of sadness for them....but I didn't do this to them. but FAR from "ruined".

 

 

OR hold it in and never be able to let go of the guilt.. which is worse???

 

for you? actually telling is worse, because you'll have to face and own up to what you did and you will have to deal with whatever fallout comes..whether it be your husband wanting to divorce you, or if he forgives, that he may look at you in disgust for a while until most of the visions of what you did pass somewhat.

 

The alternative....which I have no doubt is going to be your choice, is to lie to him by keeping him in the dark....and you keep it to yourself. Guilt? I'm sure you'll be just fine and dandy after a few months.