BobSacamento Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Lust is a powerful thing. It controls people. Makes them do stupis things. It causes me to be attracted to terrible people and uninterested in people because of a lack of it. It sucks. Take lust out of the equation and it's like everyone, looks wise, is on the same level.
carhill Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Is it possible that lust can come from a different place and be influenced by factors other than physicality? Worth a thought, perhaps
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Honestly Megan, I try to avoid black guys that seem like that. So no, I have never dated a black guy who said crap like that. And any one I HAVE heard say stuff like that I instantly disliked. Most people around me know that i dont go for hearing stuff like that, so it's never put in my face like that. Do you find that hard to believe, because i'm lightskinned myself? You would have to know me. I am VERY hard on blacks like that, and I have no time or respect for them. Like I said, anyone blacks who feel like that are weak and should be.....never mind. My views can be harsh on stuff like that..too harsh to be said in mixed company, if you know what I mean. Megan, to me you should NOT try to appease men like that. Guys like that have some deep seeded issues about themselves. You may not think so, hell they may not even think so, but they do. You have to learn that it's THEM, not YOU. There are so many black guys out there like that. It's very hard since its embedded into our culture. I have given up hope. Since the summer has started, my skin has darkened even more and I feel that I am not going to get noticed as much by men. I have really nice features but my skin is so dark now that I don't even think it matters. When I"m lighter during the fall/winter I notice a significant difference. At least you're lightskin with light eyes, you'll have it much easier than me
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 I seriously don't understand the pity party Meagan. Clearly, you do date and men do find you attractive. This likely means that at least a percentage of the men you find attractive also find you physically attractive. And guess what? It's like that for everyone! Plus, it's mathematically impossible that all black men in your region suffer from colorism. Come on! Where are you meeting these men? How old are they? The guys in my age group 18-25 (maybe 30) usually want the lightskin girls; they pursue them the most. I see a lot of pretty darkskin girls like me, but they don't get as much appreciation as the average to pretty lightskin girls. I'm very observant so I noticer this. The average to cute lightskin girls walk around like they KNOW they are going to get noticed, and it's because they usually do. They tend to be stuck up as well because so many black guys pursue them and put them on a pedastol The older men seem to really like dark girls (I had one much older man give me a compliment about how I was so pretty and dark) but they are just TOO old. In their 50s and up. I don't want a man that is going to be in a senior citizen home in 10 years while I am still pretty young. I don't have a weight problem, I walk a lot and eat relatively healthy (I have to because diabetes run in the family. I have my own hair that is very long.) I just feel that I have to try a bit harder.
Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 The guys in my age group 18-25 (maybe 30) usually want the lightskin girls; they pursue them the most. I see a lot of pretty darkskin girls like me, but they don't get as much appreciation as the average to pretty lightskin girls. The average to cute lightskin girls walk around like they KNOW they are going to get noticed, and it's because they usually do. They tend to be stuck up as well because so many black guys pursue them and put them on a pedastol The older men seem to really like dark girls (I had one much older man give me a compliment about how I was so pretty and dark) but they are just TOO old. In their 50s and up. I don't want a man that is going to be in a senior citizen home in 10 years while I am still pretty young. In my experience, and sorry guys, but you're in the toughest age group dating wise, no matter what your skin-color. Sorry to generalize guys, but between the ages of 18-25, a lot of guys date for status, more to impress their friends then to actually build a healthy relationship. So I can see how colorism would operate there, especially if your main way of meeting men is through clubbing or the party scene. After all, your looks are all you have against the backdrop of booming music. This, here, again, is why I would suggest investing in yourself and in other activities where you meet people based on shared intellectual interest. Oh, and as a side note, in my experience, dating also got easier as I got older. On the one hand, I accepted myself as I am (an average looking girl with a great sense of humor). On the other, men also become more mature. And I'm not talking 50 year old here. 30 somethings generally have figured themselves out enough to make great partners.
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 In my experience, and sorry guys, but you're in the toughest age group dating wise, no matter what your skin-color. Sorry to generalize guys, but between the ages of 18-25, a lot of guys date for status, more to impress their friends then to actually build a healthy relationship. So I can see how colorism would operate there, especially if your main way of meeting men is through clubbing or the party scene. After all, your looks are all you have against the backdrop of booming music. This, here, again, is why I would suggest investing in yourself and in other activities where you meet people based on shared intellectual interest. Oh, and as a side note, in my experience, dating also got easier as I got older. On the one hand, I accepted myself as I am (an average looking girl with a great sense of humor). On the other, men also become more mature. And I'm not talking 50 year old here. 30 somethings generally have figured themselves out enough to make great partners. So, I'm not pretty enough for the young guys. I'm bitter because if I were lighter I wouldn't have to go through all of this
Kamille Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 So, I'm not pretty enough for the young guys. I'm bitter because if I were lighter I wouldn't have to go through all of this No, what I'm saying is younger guys are a headache for any girls, of any skin color, not that you're not pretty enough. Sounds to me from what you've reported here like you have no problem attracting guys. Also sounds to me like you might be chasing players, the kind of guys who use women to stroke their self-esteem and who therefore tend to be as superficial as you claim all men are. This doesn't mean you aren't pretty, this means you've set your sights on precisely the kind of men who might suffer from colorism. Where do you meet the guys you find hot?
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 No, what I'm saying is younger guys are a headache for any girls, of any skin color, not that you're not pretty enough. Sounds to me from what you've reported here like you have no problem attracting guys. Also sounds to me like you might be chasing players, the kind of guys who use women to stroke their self-esteem and who therefore tend to be as superficial as you claim all men are. This doesn't mean you aren't pretty, this means you've set your sights on precisely the kind of men who might suffer from colorism. Where do you meet the guys you find hot? There is nothing productive to do where I live. Most young ppl go to the movies or clubs (I hate clubs), or hang out in the street. It's dead here. I don't know wehre to meet guys I find hot. I work, go to school, maybe go to a museum and that's it. I feel like dropping out of school. I am just sinking into a depression. I don't even think graduating will make me happy. I feel trapped
Kamille Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 There is nothing productive to do where I live. Most young ppl go to the movies or clubs (I hate clubs), or hang out in the street. It's dead here. I don't know wehre to meet guys I find hot. I work, go to school, maybe go to a museum and that's it. I feel like dropping out of school. I am just sinking into a depression. I don't even think graduating will make me happy. I feel trapped Believe me, the situation will feel even more hopeless if you drop out of school. Try the opposite. You had said you were giving up on dating men for a awhile... Give up! Find other things to bolster your self-esteem. That could be succeeding in school.
loveslife Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I had a friend in college who was overweight. One day she confided in me that she thought the extra pounds were a self-protective device for her. As long as she was overweight she could blame her weight if someone didn't like her. She said she thought it was a way for her to avoid facing any issues she had that drove people away. Being overweight really was the least of her issues. And really she was a little plump and not huge. I've been reading your threads, MeaganRaye, and I can't help but think your looks are not the issue. It's hard to know the real issue since none of us know you. I suspect it either has to do with setting your sights on superficial, shallow men or not feeling good enough about yourself. Confidence really does matter a whole lot more than looks. And chemistry has nothing to do with looks. Sheesh, I've seen some gorgeous guys fawning over women who are really plain looking. So much can come into play. Sadly, I don't think anyone here is going to be able to convince you that looks are not the problem.
loveslife Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I feel like dropping out of school. I am just sinking into a depression. I don't even think graduating will make me happy. I feel trapped Have you thought about seeking therapy? Depression is a serious illness.
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Have you thought about seeking therapy? Depression is a serious illness. Yeah, I have. But the therapist wasn't helping me at all. She didn't give me any productive feedback and could not relate since she was of another race
Kamille Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Confidence really does matter a whole lot more than looks. And chemistry has nothing to do with looks. Sheesh, I've seen some gorgeous guys fawning over women who are really plain looking. So much can come into play. LOL like me! I swear Meagan, I'm as average-looking as they get. Size 8-10, brown hair, hazel eyes, tall-ish, an all-right face, a student budget so an average ward-robe. Yet, men do hit on me all the time. What I cultivate? A zest for life. I go out to have fun and enjoy myself, not to get hit on by as many men as I possibly can. I don't need three quazillion men to hit on me to feel valued. I get my self-esteem from other things in my life. And what I want? One sweet guy. As long as my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful, that's all I need. So stop thinking it's looks. IT ISN'T. Start enjoying yourself.
amaysngrace Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 She didn't give me any productive feedback and could not relate since she was of another race Write to Oprah. Or Obama. But they probably couldn't help you much. They overcame.
Kamille Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Yeah, I have. But the therapist wasn't helping me at all. She didn't give me any productive feedback and could not relate since she was of another race Then find a therapist who's black.
amaysngrace Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Meagan here's a thought. Why don't you stop making excuses? Excuses are for losers. Do you want to be a loser in life or a winner? Stop focusing on what you are and start to see who you are. Who are you Meagan? All I see is someone full of excuses. This is the reason or that is the reason. And so you can't do a thing about it. But it's not true. It's your life and they are your thoughts and you can change them believe it or not. Stop thinking of what is on the outside and begin to improve what's on the inside. Do something today that makes you feel unique in who you are. Just go out and find something, anything, that enhances you as a person. Even if it is just going to the library and finding a book of interest. When you build yourself up from the inside then the outside won't matter near as much. So change what you can. And stop making excuses.
LadyRLD Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 The guys in my age group 18-25 (maybe 30) usually want the lightskin girls; they pursue them the most. I see a lot of pretty darkskin girls like me, but they don't get as much appreciation as the average to pretty lightskin girls. I'm very observant so I noticer this. The average to cute lightskin girls walk around like they KNOW they are going to get noticed, and it's because they usually do. They tend to be stuck up as well because so many black guys pursue them and put them on a pedastol The older men seem to really like dark girls (I had one much older man give me a compliment about how I was so pretty and dark) but they are just TOO old. In their 50s and up. I don't want a man that is going to be in a senior citizen home in 10 years while I am still pretty young. I don't have a weight problem, I walk a lot and eat relatively healthy (I have to because diabetes run in the family. I have my own hair that is very long.) I just feel that I have to try a bit harder. the bolded part is what you should re-read. That just means they are confident. If the darkskinned girls walked around like that too, they wouldn't have any problems either. I should know I am dark skinned myself. But I don't have any low self-esteem issues. So men, "black" men are attracted to me. and I also have locs in my head :-) so your argument only makes sense because you yourself have very low self-esteem and this is what you choose to see. If your self-esteem was healthy, then you wouldn't even notice things like this. Fix your way of thinking and you will be able to get a black man that you are attracted too. That's all I have to say.
torranceshipman Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I think it is strange that you think a therapist couldn't help you as she was of a different race.
NopeNah Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I think it is strange that you think a therapist couldn't help you as she was of a different race. I'm sure it was a matter of not being told what she wanted to hear
loveslife Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 What exactly does she want to hear? Seriously. I'm really curious.
Cherished Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You are complaining about men not being attracted to you because of your skin, yet you admit that you have to have that physical attraction, too. Sorry but basic attraction can't be controlled, just like you can't control if you are or are not physically attracted to a guy, these men who aren't attracted to you because of your skin tone can't help it, either. So you'll just have to find a guy who 1. you are attracted to and 2. who is also attracted to your look Problem solved.
Asami Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You're lucky you're not black because you don't have to deal with this. It's easy to change the color of your hair, I can be a blonde if I wanted to, but I can never be White unless I get extensive plastic surgery. I just know that I want to look the ideal (lightskin, long hair, light eyes) so I can appeal to as many black men as possible. I see how the lighter skin black women have it much easier and have access to the type of men that wont give me the time of day because I am not fair enough wow girl you got some serious self esteem issues! It seems like you value yourself worth on looks, not good. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to find happiness within yourself first before thinking about having someone in your life. Guess what people can see the wowa is me attitude, or and low self esteem really quick and in my opinion, it's not a healthy attitude to have getting into a relationship it sometimes attract negativity, As a black woman, I get rejected by guys from time to time, I don't take it personally, nor beat myself up about it, I just keep it movin my take on that is it's their loss! plain and simple. It makes me sad that you dislike yourself so much. Please seek a therapist..
lovestruck818 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I had a friend in college who was overweight. One day she confided in me that she thought the extra pounds were a self-protective device for her. As long as she was overweight she could blame her weight if someone didn't like her. She said she thought it was a way for her to avoid facing any issues she had that drove people away. Being overweight really was the least of her issues. And really she was a little plump and not huge. I've been reading your threads, MeaganRaye, and I can't help but think your looks are not the issue. It's hard to know the real issue since none of us know you. I suspect it either has to do with setting your sights on superficial, shallow men or not feeling good enough about yourself. Confidence really does matter a whole lot more than looks. And chemistry has nothing to do with looks. Sheesh, I've seen some gorgeous guys fawning over women who are really plain looking. So much can come into play. Sadly, I don't think anyone here is going to be able to convince you that looks are not the problem. Most gorgeous men do not fawn over plain women...some do, I wouldn't say most. I would say most people try to date people with comparable looks to theirs.
tinklebell Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Most gorgeous men do not fawn over plain women...some do, I wouldn't say most. I would say most people try to date people with comparable looks to theirs. I'd think looks are subjective. I've dated people who aren't conventionally good looking but I find them so attractive. So it's in the eyes of the beholder.
Samari Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Meagan here's a thought. Why don't you stop making excuses? Excuses are for losers. Do you want to be a loser in life or a winner? Stop focusing on what you are and start to see who you are. Who are you Meagan? All I see is someone full of excuses. This is the reason or that is the reason. And so you can't do a thing about it. But it's not true. It's your life and they are your thoughts and you can change them believe it or not. Stop thinking of what is on the outside and begin to improve what's on the inside. Do something today that makes you feel unique in who you are. Just go out and find something, anything, that enhances you as a person. Even if it is just going to the library and finding a book of interest. When you build yourself up from the inside then the outside won't matter near as much. So change what you can. And stop making excuses.She won't reply to this. I don't think she even wants to be helped. I'm not sure why she started this thread.
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