Kamille Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 TBF -- I think it's easy to dismiss men who reject you when it's just a few. The problem is when it seems like no guy is interested in you. That's hard to deal with. I had a similar problem to Meagan in high school. I wasn't very attractive, and it was remarkable the difference in how men treated me. It's like I was some sort of untouchable, they looked right through me, would never speak to me. I was completely invisible to them. At least other girls would acknowledge my existence, but I realized just how superficial men are. They seriously won't acknowledge you unless they have some low-level interest in bedding you. This wasn't just the majority of guys; it was all guys. I went through all of high school barely exchanging a sentence with another guy who wasn't related to me. I did try to engage them on a few occasions, but it never went anywhere. I'm guessing you've always been attractive, so you probably have no idea what it's like. For example, do you think your fiance would have been so helpful in that first encounter if you weren't attractive? Would he have even bothered getting to know you? Guys didn't pay a hiota of attention to me when I was in junior high... At the time I believed that if only I were prettier guys would pay attention to me. In hindsight, and after having talke with a few of them, I realize it had very little to do with my looks and a lot more to do with my shy-awkward attitude. Again, point dismissed as it proves that Attitude is more important then Looks when it comes to being approached. I mean, Shadow, how much can your appearance have changed since high school? (And I know you look stunning now).
Kamille Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Ok, last post in this series. Meagan, you mention "your culture" a lot? Could you tell us in which country you live?
Ruby Slippers Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I am fairly average in appearance (with fantastic legs and boobies ), but above average in intelligence and personality. I have never had a problem attracting handsome, quality guys who fall head over heels for me. I could obsess about my flaws and imperfections, and sometimes I did when I was a teenager, but at a certain point, you have to figure out that the best you can do is to work with what you've got. I'm not the stunner in my circle of friends, but I see the way men cherry-pick the most physically striking of them, sleep with them a few times, then move on to the next hot girl, and I have no envy. A male friend of mine (white) had a long and quite strong relationship with a dark-skinned woman from Nigeria, and he absolutely adored her. Your dark skin is NOT a liability unless you make it one. You need to work on your attitude more than anything.
Montclair0011 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I have noticed the troll-like qualities of this poster so I hate to even chime in here for fear of being considered the same. But she is 100% right on this topic. For women it's mostly about looks and age. End of story. Sure there are some average or homely women who get lots of dates, but they are in the minority. On AVERAGE, non-attractive woman will have far few opportunities to meet and find mates. It is much harder for them and they will often be treated poorly or ignored. Attitude and personality do count, but they don't make up for lack of physical beauty. Given a choice between an average or homely woman with a great personality and a babe with "issues" they try the babe everytime. They may dump her soon after, but they won't go back for the other one, except as a "friend." And yeah, women who have a history of being ignored by men do get negative attitudes. It's not a good way to be, but it's difficult to remain optimistic when your experience is to feel so consistently invisible. And this is reinforced bigtime in the media. There are lots of homely men on TV and they get dates but very few, if any females. I'm not considered universally ugly BTW. I'm sort of cute, actually and men have found me attractive and there were a few short periods in my youth where I looked better than my usual. Once I was depressed and did not eat and got super skinny. Guys started opening doors for me and making eye contact and flirting. It was like a whole different world. Meanwhile that was probably my most mentally unhealthy time, yet I could suddenly get dates! Go figure. I also know these things about men because I have lots of male friends, i.e. guys LOVE my personality (I have TONS of friends--everyone LIKES me and things I'm a blast to be around) enough to want to be a buddy, but sexually they are elsewhere. I have sat with some of these guys and watched them log into match.com looking for and corresponding with women. Guess what they are interested in? Yup, how young and hot the women look. They barely read the profiles. Professional, intellectual men fall madly in love with tall blond travel agents and secretaries without college degrees. They won't even consider a women their own age. And yes, once again, I know this is not true in every situtation and no one wants to hear about my little pity party, but I'm sick of these things not even being acknowlaged so I feel the need to speak up. Read the posts on from men on this message board and it does not contridict what I'm saying. It's not just the trolls of the world who feel this way.
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Ok, last post in this series. Meagan, you mention "your culture" a lot? Could you tell us in which country you live? I live in the USA, I am Black. When I say culture I mean Black/African American culture
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Well since there is no way you can change your skin tone or your features, why don't you take some of the energy you invest on your "outward appearance" and invest it in some hobby? That way, you wil have something more to bring to the table. What do you like to do? What do you find interesting? I like to read, write, travel, makeup, hair, (very into cosmetics), I like to discuss politics and race. that's all I can think of right now. I like to workout and eat right
Ruby Slippers Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Once I was depressed and did not eat and got super skinny. Guys started opening doors for me and making eye contact and flirting. It was like a whole different world. Meanwhile that was probably my most mentally unhealthy time, yet I could suddenly get dates! Go figure. I think there is definitely some truth to this. The friend of mine who gets hit on the most is the thinnest, but she's not the most intelligent or charismatic or together of the bunch. The rest of us are far from fat, but we're not rail-thin -- more athletic and toned. I can only guess that the media's fixation on extreme thinness has succeeded at establishing very skinny as the ideal.
Author MeaganRaye Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 And I hate it when guys pay more attention to the friend they think is more attractive and ignore everyone else.
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Ruby, the only MEN who think that super skinny women are attractive, are the gay guys that work in the fashion industry.
Isolde Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I think I look a lot better now than I did in high school AND am wayyyy more confident and I still don't get a lot of dates. *shrugs* Some of the women who get treated worst by men are extremely beautiful. Many of them have "issues," but some don't seem to have anything wrong with them, though I guess you could argue they were settling for people who didn't meet their needs. As I've said before, I rarely see very beautiful women with handsome men. Good looking people prefer plain people as partners, much of the time. You know what? I'm tired of all these looks threads. They're ultimately meaningless because people do what they do; that's not gonna change no matter how much we talk about it.
MusicChick24 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Maybe guys didn't pay attention to you because of your lack of self esteem. I'm not BS-ing when I say that I 100% believe that looks do not matter at all, and I can say that because I always dated the guys that other girls were like "WTF are you thinking" and it was always because they had other good qualities, however I never viewed them as ugly because I don't view people that way. Anyways...I no what it's like to feel unattractive and have very low self esteem as I had low self esteem from Elementary School to Late Middle School because I was picked on, however I still dated. When I got to high school my Self Esteem wasn't that great, but guys noticed me because I got out there, I didn't hide anymore, mostly because I wasn't made fun of anymore. Guys do look at women who put more effort into being attractive than those who do not, HOWEVER, men notice a woman who puts herself out there and has a beautiful personality as well.
DMoon Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I have noticed the troll-like qualities of this poster so I hate to even chime in here for fear of being considered the same. But she is 100% right on this topic. For women it's mostly about looks and age. End of story. Sure there are some average or homely women who get lots of dates, but they are in the minority. On AVERAGE, non-attractive woman will have far few opportunities to meet and find mates. It is much harder for them and they will often be treated poorly or ignored. Attitude and personality do count, but they don't make up for lack of physical beauty. Given a choice between an average or homely woman with a great personality and a babe with "issues" they try the babe everytime. They may dump her soon after, but they won't go back for the other one, except as a "friend." And yeah, women who have a history of being ignored by men do get negative attitudes. It's not a good way to be, but it's difficult to remain optimistic when your experience is to feel so consistently invisible. And this is reinforced bigtime in the media. There are lots of homely men on TV and they get dates but very few, if any females. I'm not considered universally ugly BTW. I'm sort of cute, actually and men have found me attractive and there were a few short periods in my youth where I looked better than my usual. Once I was depressed and did not eat and got super skinny. Guys started opening doors for me and making eye contact and flirting. It was like a whole different world. Meanwhile that was probably my most mentally unhealthy time, yet I could suddenly get dates! Go figure. I also know these things about men because I have lots of male friends, i.e. guys LOVE my personality (I have TONS of friends--everyone LIKES me and things I'm a blast to be around) enough to want to be a buddy, but sexually they are elsewhere. I have sat with some of these guys and watched them log into match.com looking for and corresponding with women. Guess what they are interested in? Yup, how young and hot the women look. They barely read the profiles. Professional, intellectual men fall madly in love with tall blond travel agents and secretaries without college degrees. They won't even consider a women their own age. And yes, once again, I know this is not true in every situtation and no one wants to hear about my little pity party, but I'm sick of these things not even being acknowlaged so I feel the need to speak up. Read the posts on from men on this message board and it does not contridict what I'm saying. It's not just the trolls of the world who feel this way. I agree. Posters who can dismiss the reality of being ignored or rendered invisible due to looks and to espouse platitudes of be yourself, etc have probably always been deemed attractive/beautiful most of their lives or were lucky enough to have the X factor to shield lack of looks. I don't think the OP in this case is engaging in a pity party when I have also seen the results of what she speaks especially since I work in a male dominated field and have many male relatives. The woman can be fantastically intelligent, kind, and fun, but if she isn't attractive/beautiful then she is rendered to the friend pile or seen as a resource to get close to her hotter friends. I know a woman who is absolutely stunning, but she is very average in intelligence and personality. She is nice, but she has men falling over her to date and she has already turned down three marriage proposals. My other friend is very plain but she is stunningly brilliant (IQ is 165) and is intensely creative. She has lots of male friends but she bemoans the fact that she can't find any men who want to engage in a relationship with her. She is mentally healthy, kind and generous, yet she struggles for male attention. How about the guy who chased down a woman he just saw in a train station. he didn't need to explore her personality or get to know her--he pursued her solely on looks--which is all too frequently what women are judged for more so then men. And yes--colorism is a problem in the AA community. That isn't something that the OP is making up. AA scholars have discussed ad infinitum about this damaging cultural problem and does affect how women who are dark perceive their worth.
C-i-C-u Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I'm new here but this thread made me really want to join, other than not having a forum to post in. I can't really remember the last time "life" was fair. Sorry, you are going to have to settle for less. Originally Posted by lovestruck818 umm...no lowering standards is not an option. I don't do ugly or fat...b/c I'm not that. It's not fair.
monkey00 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 If black men don't accept you for who you are (in this case your dark skin) why don't you consider other options like dating outside of your race?
cyril's fan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 True, but don't underestimate guys: most are not stupid and understand this dynamics and prioritize accordingly. Actually there are many beautiful women who may have troubles marrying or establishing solid relationships. Makes perfect economic sense, actually: looks fade, so a gorgeous girl with no other major qualities is a depreciating asset to be dated and dumped once the looks fade . An average girl with greatr traits and personality on the other hand is better positioned to draw consistend long term returns on her assets on the marriage market because even if her looks fade, her other assets make her more desireable partner in the long term . There. Cynical enough for you? Sure, occasionally there is the best of both worlds, but the odds are slim, so why waste time thinking about it? I honestly don't see how a marginally hotter girl than my already pretty and great girlfriend would make me any happier??? Hopefully there are more of the smart guys you mentioned. I can't even tell whether I'm great looking or average looking anymore. I get mixed signals. I hope your girlfriend knows what you said in the last paragraph because if I were her, I would love you even more!
nomoregummybears Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 At least initially, this is true. I just had a psychology final the other day, and one of the questions dealt with a study we talked about in class about speed dating. Invariably, the factors that best predicted how attracted people were to one another were purely physical. Ouch. That said, this only applies to first impressions. How "hot" you are then becomes nothing more than just something that gets you through the door more easily. After that point, pretty much everything else (personality, confidence, stability, secure attachment, etc) kicks into play. Attractive people get more dates and probably fool around more, but more well-rounded people tend to have more lasting, fulfilling relationships because they just have more to bring to the table over an extended period of time.
BoredPerson Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I don't have a girlfriend because I am ugly and I am very lonely. I am 25 and I think I am old enough to want to have someone to come home to and keep me warm at night. People say I am a cry baby well I say I am a man and I am allowed to have feelings and I feel lonely. It is harder being ugly. I have to work much harder in the corporate world at my work and at my relationships because other people are very pretty and people like them for that reason.
MissHollywood Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Haven't you all seen average people with their SOs? That goes to show that it's not all about looks.
lovestruck818 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I'm new here but this thread made me really want to join, other than not having a forum to post in. I can't really remember the last time "life" was fair. Sorry, you are going to have to settle for less. [/i] I shouldn't have to though...I'm an arm candy kind of girl. That's like Seth Rogan dating a gorgeous supermodel...rarely happens.
C-i-C-u Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I shouldn't have to though...I'm an arm candy kind of girl. That's like Seth Rogan dating a gorgeous supermodel...rarely happens. unless the female is a hooker. Anyways. All that I am saying is that it doesn't hurt to date out of your comfort zone but don't go to any extreme. If you don't like obese then don't date a guy who weighs past a certain weight on him. If you don't like ugly then don't date a guy whose ugly. But you can still date a guy whose obese. Just have a cut-off. I am pretty sure you won't be dating any guy who isn't a certain height limit. You just have to settle and look for past the looks department. I don't know how you look like or where you live. But you should be doing fine it sounds like you are a good women find yourself a good man and remember he doesn't have to equally match you in the looks department but he should at least share an interest in some physical activity that will keep him in decent shape. Remember most people don't run. So getting a guy who at least runs three times a week is a good thing even if he is out of shape, ie fat.
C-i-C-u Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I shouldn't have to though...I'm an arm candy kind of girl. That's like Seth Rogan dating a gorgeous supermodel...rarely happens. Oh, it happens. I have seen a fat guy, fatter than me and I am fat, date a gorgeous girl. A gorgeous girl dating a not so good looking guy happens frequent here. Has to be because there are more straight females than males here.
missdependant Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I thought you were planning on being single your whole life anyway? You act like high school is the same thing as adult life. And you're 22 years old? My god, grow up. Things change, people change. You get older and you learn that life isn't as shallow as it was in high school. By the way, I was a total loser in high school; total loner, bookworm, hardly any friends, straight A student, no charisma, no stunning looks. Then I got into college. And I figured out pretty quickly that REAL life is nothing like high school.
missdependant Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I feel valued, like I matter to people in this world People honking their horn at you makes you feel valued??? OMFG, you need help!
Kamille Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I like to read, write, travel, makeup, hair, (very into cosmetics), I like to discuss politics and race. that's all I can think of right now. I like to workout and eat right Ah wow! There's so much here. I'm very much like you - I like to read, write, travel and I love talking politics and deconstruct my white privilege (or get in heated debates about whether or not that's even possible). Are you involved in any association or groups that cater to your interests in politics and race? Those are great spaces to meet open-minded smart men. If black men don't accept you for who you are (in this case your dark skin) why don't you consider other options like dating outside of your race? Hu hu! While I fully understand the appeal of black men , I give dating outside your race two thumbs up, way up. And, to tell you the truth Meagan, I envy dark-skinned women. I think a goodlooking black woman is just stunning. I say embrace the color and make it work for you. I shouldn't have to though...I'm an arm candy kind of girl. That's like Seth Rogan dating a gorgeous supermodel...rarely happens. Your posts lovestruck make me wonder if maybe you and Meagan might be projecting your own issues onto the male gender. Since you put so much emphasis on their looks, is it possible you're shortchanging them and assume they're only interested in your looks? That maybe you don't spend enough time developping other aspects of the relationship on the first few dates? I live in the USA, I am Black. When I say culture I mean Black/African American culture I didn't realize "racist" skin color preferences were still so prevalent, and haven't observed them amongst my friends in Canada. A friend of mine has really black skin and men of all races fall over themselves to talk to her.
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