sherri Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Hi, im new here, im a total mess, having got divorced a few years ago i do know about heartbreak, now its happened again, if anything worse than before, i met my BF 3.5 years ago, after 7 months he moved in, my kids adore him and we were so happy. Even though there were seperate issues in our lives such as grief from his ex, his kids and moneyy we were very happy, blissful, always on cloud 9, we wanted to marry and buy a house..normal stuff except the realtionship was extraordinarily intense, i adored him, along with my kids he was my reason for being. Last year about may/june i noticed him being very slightly different, he stopped talking about the future, he stopped telling me i was beautiful, i was also difficult to live with as i suffer mildly from depression, in Oct last year he packed his stuff and moved out leaving a note. I was utterly horrified and heartbroken, i called and called till he came back and made him promise to come home, it was very emotional but he did and we were very happy once more. After New year i noticed agian the compliments had stopped but his behaviour stayed kind of the same, he still told me he loved me, was still very affectionate, kind to the kids..we went out we went on holiday, we were a family, i had niggling sense of doubt but overall i was very happy, except for the whole future thing..then we got to May and i noticed hes really emotionally withdrawn, like hes there but not there, so i talk to him in the hope that he will open up, instead, he packed all his things and moved out, this was 12 days ago and since then i have not stopped crying. i miss him so much. i love him so much has he fallen out of love with me- he says not, he just keeps saying i dont know how to make you happy..he doesnt want to try again.. is there someone else..im tortured..i keep saying rationally he couldnt have loved me that much or he would have never left, he would at least try..but he did love me so much..he did..the things he used to say, the things he did..im utterly wrteched, im a wreck, i cant sleep, i cant eat, i just want him..my flat has become a morgue, where it was filled with life and laughter, it was always my sanctuary, now i hate going home..im being a bad mum, i cant talk to my kids because i keep wanting to cry..they are hurting too..please can someone tell me how to make this better...
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 You don't say how old you both are, but it sounds to me like the archetypical mid-life crisis.... at whatever age. It's all become a bit too much for him. Rather than face the crisis head-on, he's bailed out. You really have to get a grip. You don't depend on him for your strength or reason for living. Those are within you. Emotional support and input, I can understand. But your children need you, and this is no time to be losing the plot. Get help. From neighbours, friends, teachers, parents, whatever. Ask for help. I don't see another woman, but it migfht be possible. Right now, until he gets in touch, anything is possible. You can't directly affect him, so whilst I can see this is devastating, you really do have to look at yourself and grow some chick-balls.... Come on girl, toughen up. Women have been deserted left eright and centre, for centuries*. Some have fallen victim, but many more have been survivors. be the latter, not the former. (*And yes guys, I know - you've had your fair share of being shat upon by women too... but I'm just discussing case-in-point here, ok? )
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 He was your reason for being? OMG. You ought to be your reason for being. You put too many expectations on this guy. You made it clear to him that he was your whole source of happiness...well him and your children. That's a burden for anyone to carry. You are really very selfish in doing that. You become like a human drain and zap everyone around you by expecting them to give you what you should be giving yourself. Happiness comes from within. If you suffer depression and know it then why aren't you getting help for your depression? Again you are being selfish to those who you claim to love. You are depending on them for your happiness. How unfair of you.
2sure Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I know it hurts, I know its hard. The really great thing sometimes about having kids is that they make giving up, or wallowing in despair not an option. You have to keep breathing, keep moving forward, keep a sense of normalcy in their day to day life...because they are your kids, thats your job...you do it for them. For them initially. And that is enough to get you through the toughest part of heartbreak or in fact, any crisis. Soon - you will find that although you found the strength only for them....that you have the strength and that its your to keep. Baby steps today. Just keep breathing. You know it gets better.
Author sherri Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Well Amasygrace.. what a tirade..of course you can make sweeping statements like "YOU're so selfish" i mean you know me so well.. Im not selfish, im heartbroken, you dont know me and thankfully i will never ever know you..where is your compassion, your humility and your empathy? please dont respond to my posts, you obviously speak feet first and quite frankly what you wrote was ignorant and unfeeling, not particularly what i need. Many Thanks
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Well Amasygrace.. what a tirade..of course you can make sweeping statements like "YOU're so selfish" i mean you know me so well.. Im not selfish, im heartbroken, you dont know me and thankfully i will never ever know you..where is your compassion, your humility and your empathy? please dont respond to my posts, you obviously speak feet first and quite frankly what you wrote was ignorant and unfeeling, not particularly what i need. Many Thanks I can respond if I want. It's a PUBLIC forum. Geez...I must've hit a nerve or something. The truth hurts.
AriaIncognito Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 First of all I'm sorry that you're hurting. Breaking up sucks, there's no 2 ways about it. About Amaysngrace's comments though, they were dead on. Seeing the truth does indeed hurt us. A man should never be your everything. A woman should never be a man's everything. A relationship is meant to ADD to your life, but it is not meant to COMPLETE your life. Do you see the difference? When we seek relationships to make us feel whole, we basically end up never truly being happy. I should know, I've done this most of my life. It's extremely hard to live with just yourself and be OK with that, but there have been times where I have, and I know that you can do this as well, but it does take work. You do need to admit to yourself that you've placed too much of your happiness on someone elses shoulders. You have children, whom I'd assume you love and cherish. They still need you, regardless. They will still provide you with happiness, regardless. I assume you still also have friends, who will also love and support you. What you're missing here, isn't his support, it's your own support of yourself. Yes, it's completely easy to sit on the other side and tell someone they should help themselves, but honestly, it's the truth. I'm still a work in progress, and I know I've still got a long way to go, but you have to realize that you're worth it, and that you want to be happy, and in order for you to truly ever be happy WITH someone, you need to be happy WITHOUT someone. We posters from NJ do have a tendency to "tell it like it is" and maybe that comes across as harsh to you, but please, read my words, amays words, knowing that they are in SUPPORT of you loving yourself, they are not meant to demean, destruct or tear you down. Good luck to you, I know it's tough. Just keep posting and keep trying to move forward, one step at a time.
Recommended Posts